Timeline for a FA moving on

If someone comes here and acknowledges that they are ruminating, and behaving in unhealthy ways and they want support, that's one thing.

But to come here claiming they are secure, that they are not being unhealthy, it's actually that they are just curious, happen to be on social media with shared locations, and are justifying insecure behavior and asking questions that if we were to answer, we'd be enabling behavior we KNOW is unhealthy AP behavior... then some stout feedback is appropriate in my opinion.

This poster has received many responses that indicate that her behavior is viewed as insecure, rather than secure, and that it violates healthy boundaries. If a person comes looking for feedback then it may be contrary to what they'd like to receive. But the whole insecure dynamic delivers something contrary than anyone would like to receive... being unhealthy in your actions will always bring an unpleasant response. Evolution away from these behaviors is not only possible, it's the way to get healthier and happier.



You can't pull the wool over the eyes of all the aware participants on these boards, but you can pull the wool over your own eyes. People have tried to be helpful and if taken with a little open mindedness, the feedback offered here can still be helpful.

Had to edit that because idk what happened with auto correct but it was crazy

I think there is a difference between understanding generally the patterns of a particular attachment style, and mind reading an ex.

There are a lot of factors that contribute to a person's makeup, and presuming to know what they are "probably" thinking and doing is a toxic habit to get into. Assuming this guy's thought process isn't appropriate- maybe an FA might do this or that, but look at the differences between individuals of the same "type" here! It's a fools game to pursue this the way it's often pursued by AP's who are focusing on the head space of others as a form of insecure acting out. Of course, they are free to do it, but I still think that it's not reasonable to expect feedback that condones it or accepts the assertion that it's secure behavior and that we just don't understand. Disagreements will naturally arise, but that's the nature of discussions where people have vastly different views.

Yes; the typo changes everything! 😬😉

Yes, we are saying the same thing. I haven't gone into suggesting what to do to work toward security because 1) I'm not AP and I can't speak to that specifically, I could give bad advice or offer something unrelatable and 2) I've not seen receptivity to advice offered here, only the cherry picked questions as you said, which all arose from the insecure approach to a breakup.

There is so much information here and on the net available to a curious person, on how to become healthier, but I see a tendency of AP members to use the forum to talk about others primarily. It's certainly not prohibited but the reality is that most of the active contributors are not going to participate in that type of discussion because we know it's not healthy or a good use of our efforts here.

That's funny! No idea why my autocorrect changed something to "napoli" earlier. what the what? 😂

I see what you're saying, but not being AP myself it's very confusing what might or might not be a landmine, and I don't particularly want to walk on eggshells for fear of triggering an AP.  It's a conversation that may be uncomfortable, I'm sure all types have felt uncomfortable here.  I know I have, I've been told what I should and shouldn't say when talking about myself, because what I expressed was incorrect according to the anxious person that corrected me.  I guess it just doesn't get the same attention when it happens like that, no one here to say what the DA  needs! 😂 which is ok.  But I don't want to walk on eggshells either. 

I'm going to say something that might get me ostracized, will certainly trigger some and might well be the last post I share due to becoming flat unwelcome here. On this forum.

Anxious posters dominate the field. There's plenty of people here to protect the triggered AP, but there's another perspective too. I don't see it as being all about coddling new AP posters who are clearly here to act out rumination. I don't think I need to bend over backwards to avoid triggering someone who is here being fundamentally dishonest with themselves and with everyone else, due to their lack of awareness. In a discourse there are two sides, and to be frank about logical fallacies or to call out what could accurately be called gaslighting by the AP when they are manipulating the conversation simply because they want what they want... keys to the ex's mind... that isn't cruel or shaming in my opinion. We can disagree. And clearly we do! It's disrespectful to one's audience to manipulate the conversation the way I see it happening sometimes. Sometimes it appears a ruminating AP is trying to control the conversation with a temper tantrum (they're triggered) and defensiveness (gaslighting comes in here- denying they are doing what they are doing , saying everyone is basically unable to perceive well...expecting everyone to just fall in line and give them the answers they want) and projections (You're shaming me! - when they are struggling with their own shame and simply don't want someone to notice they are all over the map and being very incongruent).

We aren't all therapists, we don't all have a clear understanding of what's going on in the triggered AP mind and some of it is really mind bending especially when they ask "What do you think?" and then react strongly because it wasn't what they want to hear. And if you can't tell a triggered AP what they want to hear then you better just be quiet, jeez.

So yes, I can just stop having anything to do with AP posters. Sure, I can do that. I guess I'm going the way of the DA's that have been here before me- seeing the AP favoring, AP empathizing bias here. I get called out for supposed shaming, when someone else can be just as direct and critical as I, right wrong or inbetween, and nobody from the spectator bench is going to say a dang thing. Because there seems to be a strong sympathy for AP to the point of coddling and favoring sometimes. But most AP have been triggered by a DA at some point, so that's who needs to be corrected, reprimanded, even if what I'm saying is true it triggered an AP so it's not ok. I've seen downright verbal abuse happen here by a triggered AP and, crickets from the gallery. There is no balance between DA and AP, I'm way outnumbered and so I stick out like a sore thumb I guess, even if I'm coming from a decent place, if it triggers an AP then... it should stop.

How about this- let's not censor people.  I agree with alexandra that they will either get triggered and leave and continue their rumination elsewhere trying to get what they think they need, or if the time is right in their process something will stick and a seed is planted and they experience a little feedback that makes them question their position and it can edge them into a more productive effort.  People have to hit bottom.  If I'm going to be here Im not going to tippytoe. I have not been a flaming asshole but I'm the only one that gets this kind of calling out.