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Post by tnr9 on Feb 16, 2022 3:07:31 GMT
If someone comes here and acknowledges that they are ruminating, and behaving in unhealthy ways and they want support, that's one thing. But to come here claiming they are secure, that they are not being unhealthy, it's actually that they are just curious, happen to be on social media with shared locations, and are justifying insecure behavior and asking questions that if we were to answer, we'd be enabling behavior we KNOW is unhealthy AP behavior... then some stout feedback is appropriate in my opinion. This poster has received many responses that indicate that her behavior is viewed as insecure, rather than secure, and that it violates healthy boundaries. If a person comes looking for feedback then it may be contrary to what they'd like to receive. But the whole insecure dynamic delivers something contrary than anyone would like to receive... being unhealthy in your actions will always bring an unpleasant response. Evolution away from these behaviors is not only possible, it's the way to get healthier and happier. You can't pull the wool over the eyes of all the aware participants on these boards, but you can pull the wool over your own eyes. People have tried to be helpful and if taken with a little open mindedness, the feedback offered here can still be helpful. Had to edit that because idk what happened with auto correct but it was crazy just want to say.. it seems like part of the AP journey to come. I came here doing the same but criticizing and shaming was not helpful. Trying to understand the situation is the unaware AP's way of trying to be secure, albeit mistakenly so. I think what you are saying is en-pointe, but to deal with unaware APs require less finger pointing because that's a massive trigger that creates more obstacles and blindspots to the exact points you are making. Hey @shiningstar…I don’t know if you have read all of this poster’s threads…but she has stated that she is secure. So these questions are not about her trying to figure things out as an AP…but rather, she is trying to figure him out…which is why these are all posted under the FA section. And I agree with @introvert…we need these different points of view here because the world is full of different points of view. |
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Post by Deleted on Feb 16, 2022 3:08:18 GMT
@shiningstar, what is your reasoning, not participating in these conversations in the public forum, to help the person you want to help, and just posting corrective ideas for those of us who are? If you have something helpful to say, please say it, but to come here just to tell us we aren't doing it right? I don't respect that at all. You have a voice to use if you want to encourage the new poster. But don't try to steer everyone else to say what you would like them to. You can say it. And you can also allow other perspectives even if they don't align with the vision you have.
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Post by alexandra on Feb 16, 2022 3:10:41 GMT
I have not been a flaming asshole but I'm the only one that gets this kind of calling out. I am sorry you feel this way, and I think it is a shame that you do, but you're not the only person who gets called out by different regular members. Maybe it doesn't appear that way to you because "calling out" an AP looks different and less blunt (because they're more hyper vigilant about scanning for criticism). And maybe there's confirmation bias because the anxious who get called out leave so it happens maybe once or twice and then they leave and don't post anymore. I don't think this is an issue that's your problem or "their" problem, I think it just is, because of communication styles. It's still up to you to figure out your boundaries and the level of interaction and effort you seek, of which any is okay, but several people do jump in to tell you your contributions are valuable, and I see that support happen more often than I see it with others (because to your point, there aren't many / any active DA voices here and people appreciate having the DA perspective). |
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Post by Deleted on Feb 16, 2022 3:11:40 GMT
just want to say.. it seems like part of the AP journey to come. I came here doing the same but criticizing and shaming was not helpful. Trying to understand the situation is the unaware AP's way of trying to be secure, albeit mistakenly so. I think what you are saying is en-pointe, but to deal with unaware APs require less finger pointing because that's a massive trigger that creates more obstacles and blindspots to the exact points you are making. Hey @shiningstar …I don’t know if you have read all of this poster’s threads…but she has stated that she is secure. So these questions are not about her trying to figure things out as an AP…but rather, she is trying to figure him out…which is why these are all posted under the FA section. And I agree with @introvert …we need these different points of view here because the world is full of different points of view. Right, I agree. I'm asking... everyone BUT an AP should face the pain of realizing they are unhealthy? They are so hurt already they shouldn't get some pushback for toxic behavior? I've been in support groups where the newbies were asked to be quiet and learn the audience before they come in trying to use the group for their own unhealthy purposes. That's not something that applies here but I can see the wisdom of it. Sit back and listen to those who are actually working on themselves and see what that looks like. |
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Post by Deleted on Feb 16, 2022 3:15:06 GMT
I mean I've just seen certain threads where loads of toxic disrespect come out of an AP's mouth and people avoid the conflict. But if I say something too bluntly .... hey there Introvert, not nice!
It's happened several times since Ive been here and I have called it out before. As the only DA yes I feel discriminated against, I didn't feel that way initially but I am feeling it more and more. I do question my being here. It is my call to make, I know. I'm torn and I will figure it out.
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Post by tnr9 on Feb 16, 2022 3:17:09 GMT
Hey @shiningstar …I don’t know if you have read all of this poster’s threads…but she has stated that she is secure. So these questions are not about her trying to figure things out as an AP…but rather, she is trying to figure him out…which is why these are all posted under the FA section. And I agree with @introvert …we need these different points of view here because the world is full of different points of view. Right, I agree. I'm asking... everyone BUT an AP should face the pain of realizing they are unhealthy? They are so hurt already they shouldn't get some pushback for toxic behavior? I've been in support groups where the newbies were asked to be quiet and learn the audience before they come in trying to use the group for their own unhealthy purposes. That's not something that applies here but I can see the wisdom of it. Sit back and listen to those who are actually working on themselves and see what that looks like. I am healthier now in part because I have been challenged on these boards. If not for these boards..I would never have found my SE therapist. If not for people with other communication styles, I would never have been able to change the dynamic with my mom. These boards have helped me…but I had to chose to address my own insecurity. |
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Post by Deleted on Feb 16, 2022 3:17:12 GMT
People appreciate having the DA perspective, except if it triggers them. Do you know how many times I bite my tongue because it's not worth it? Being a DA here? A lot. Because I know why I'm here, or I did. But maybe I'm shifting to a place of needing something different. I will take some time to ponder it.
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Post by tnr9 on Feb 16, 2022 3:19:05 GMT
People appreciate having the DA perspective, except if it triggers them. Do you know how many times I bite my tongue because it's not worth it? Being a DA here? A lot. Because I know why I'm here, or I did. But maybe I'm shifting to a place of needing something different. I will take some time to ponder it. I would miss the wisdom you offer @introvert…but I respect that it is your decision. |
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Post by Deleted on Feb 16, 2022 3:34:48 GMT
@shiningstar , what is your reasoning, not participating in these conversations in the public forum, to help the person you want to help, and just posting corrective ideas for those of us who are? If you have something helpful to say, please say it, but to come here just to tell us we aren't doing it right? I don't respect that at all. You have a voice to use if you want to encourage the new poster. But don't try to steer everyone else to say what you would like them to. You can say it. And you can also allow other perspectives even if they don't align with the vision you have. You are right, I apologize. I don't think you're a flaming asshole nor do I disagree with your points, like I said I think you are very right in your points. |
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Post by alexandra on Feb 16, 2022 3:56:17 GMT
@introvert, I wouldn't assume people are avoiding conflict with APs. Sometimes things move to behind the scenes, and sometimes even get escalated to moderation complaints. If you are seeing it more, it may not be because you're being "targeted" but because people believe they can directly engage in a thoughtful dialog with you about it via public posts. No one's telling you to shut the f* up, at least no one ready to get something real out of the forum, and I am also sorry you've felt for a large portion of your life that you were shut down. I don't doubt it, and it may be another sore spot you've arrived at exploring. All these wonderful issues that keep on giving, right??
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Post by Deleted on Feb 16, 2022 4:00:24 GMT
People appreciate having the DA perspective, except if it triggers them. Do you know how many times I bite my tongue because it's not worth it? Being a DA here? A lot. Because I know why I'm here, or I did. But maybe I'm shifting to a place of needing something different. I will take some time to ponder it. I would miss the wisdom you offer @introvert …but I respect that it is your decision. Honestly tnr9 I think it's really cool that you and I can feel safe enough with each other (being from opposite ends of spectrum) to have good conversations and understand the other side. I respect it a lot, the input that you give to me and the way you support me. So thank you, it's reciprocal. |
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Post by Deleted on Feb 16, 2022 4:04:05 GMT
@introvert , I wouldn't assume people are avoiding conflict with APs. Sometimes things move to behind the scenes, and sometimes even get escalated to moderation complaints. If you are seeing it more, it may not be because you're being "targeted" but because people believe they can directly engage in a thoughtful dialog with you about it via public posts. No one's telling you to shut the f* up, at least no one ready to get something real out of the forum, and I am also sorry you've felt for a large portion of your life that you were shut down. I don't doubt it, and it may be another sore spot you've arrived at exploring. All these wonderful issues that keep on giving, right?? Thank you, and honestly I have done a lot of work there- there is a real stark difference between the dynamics I encounter IRL and the influx of triggered AP posters that I encounter on this attachment forum. I think it's mud in the water here more than something new that I haven't gotten a lot of healing from. I truly have really balanced dynamics, very much more secure dynamics, in my offline life. Trying to engage deeply here and running into the Trap is like going back in time and it feels pretty icky, honestly, sometimes. I don't always respond of course but this came to a head here today. |
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Post by tnr9 on Feb 16, 2022 11:40:25 GMT
@introvert , I wouldn't assume people are avoiding conflict with APs. Sometimes things move to behind the scenes, and sometimes even get escalated to moderation complaints. If you are seeing it more, it may not be because you're being "targeted" but because people believe they can directly engage in a thoughtful dialog with you about it via public posts. No one's telling you to shut the f* up, at least no one ready to get something real out of the forum, and I am also sorry you've felt for a large portion of your life that you were shut down. I don't doubt it, and it may be another sore spot you've arrived at exploring. All these wonderful issues that keep on giving, right?? Thank you, and honestly I have done a lot of work there- there is a real stark difference between the dynamics I encounter IRL and the influx of triggered AP posters that I encounter on this attachment forum. I think it's mud in the water here more than something new that I haven't gotten a lot of healing from. I truly have really balanced dynamics, very much more secure dynamics, in my offline life. Trying to engage deeply here and running into the Trap is like going back in time and it feels pretty icky, honestly, sometimes. I don't always respond of course but this came to a head here today. I think it would be different if there were others here who were working things through from a DA attachment style…..we did have quite a few at one point, but they all left…feeling exactly as you did. For what it is worth…I am glad you are sticking it out here with all us AP, FA and secures. Your voice matters on these forums. |
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