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Post by charlii on Feb 13, 2022 21:19:01 GMT
I'm still here, still reading, still moving on day by day. Making progress too.
Just came back from a dance class, invited a good friend to go to a formal event I need a date for without feeling bad, etc.
It's about 5 weeks post breakup with my FA, who obv was thikning about this before our snap breakup. I have read or done the videos about their reacting after a breakup. And, I am not contacting him at all. That desire to do so sailed past even if I have fleeting moments to want to explain myself, I decided that he actually needs to explain and have remorse for some of the controlling behaviors on his way out.
Observing, bc I don't like surprises at all: We never blocked each other so it is easy to look (I know you all will tell me to stop. I am in an ok place to be doing it).
He has been really quiet on social media, overall for about 3-4 weeks. He is just starting to come out of his shell a little bit.
He used to text/snap me pics relentlessly (probably an anxious pattern but never realized it). So after a few weeks of quiet, I notice he is snapping 1 person quite often. In fact, he was never a slave to social media,, but I keep seeing him check like every 15 minutes Probably worried this new person is not giving attention.
I guess this is his safe way for now to get to know someone better on friend level as he waits to move to the next person. Feel like it is replacement behavior for what we had bc we were pretty active w that (pics) if not together. He has been a homebody except work and the gym.
One other thing- I was wondering to myself. He seemed to be so mad that I wasn't responding/talking to his news of the breakup that night. It seemed as if he thought I had nothing to say. IT wasn't that at all.
Is this bc he expected or wanted me to keep trying or not give so easy (thus proving the abandonment issue, vulnerablity etc)
Curious then.Is it safe to assume even tho it is 5 weeks, he has not had the time to assess/process emotions pr anything about what happened with us esp that last day?
I just wondered when that is predictable to happen, in general. OR what the next steps are in the process. But tbh, I think he was leaning avoidant at the end, or at least the day we broke up
Thanks!
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Feb 13, 2022 23:31:58 GMT
How do you know he's been a homebody?
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Post by charlii on Feb 13, 2022 23:49:53 GMT
Because we are on each other's social media and maps. He is historically a homebody; still is for the most part. It is very easy for me to see it when I open mine.
He also lives near a friend of mine so I click her icon on the map to text her, his icon is always nearby...and his is usually home..
I also know the group he is hanging out with, when he does, courtesy of his friend, who he keeps at very arms length --he will soon get tired of. Not his usual people he can open up to at all. But I guess people need to heal however they can.
I also have taken these tests..I keep getting secure scores. I hope I continue this way. I have really been working on myself (using the Anxious info as well since I feel I swayed that way with all of this). Still not good w uncertainty.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Feb 13, 2022 23:56:51 GMT
Because we are on each other's social media and maps. He is historically a homebody; still is for the most part. It is very easy for me to see it when I open mine. He also lives near a friend of mine so I click her icon on the map to text her, his icon is always nearby...and his is usually home.. I also know the group he is hanging out with, when he does, courtesy of his friend, who he keeps at very arms length --he will soon get tired of. Not his usual people he can open up to at all. But I guess people need to heal however they can. I also have taken these tests..I keep getting secure scores. I hope I continue this way. I have really been working on myself (using the Anxious info as well since I feel I swayed that way with all of this). Still not good w uncertainty. None of your monitoring of him is secure, regardless of how you answer questions on a test. However, that's your business, I was just curious how you track him, I don't use snapchat. If he's willing to put his location out there then he must be ok being stalked and spied on, although he may not have considered that you might do that. Anyway, good luck! |
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Post by charlii on Feb 14, 2022 0:20:02 GMT
Snap is just something that younger people use. We're both in our 20's so we use that or text
. Personally neither of us have our locations turned on for anyone else except who we are close with. In his case 2 people. In my case about 7.
As I have said from the beginning, even without a breakup, I am a curious person no matter what. Observant to the world around me. Love to learn or analyze.
I would be noticing that or anyone else in the location of whomever I am texting. I don't think it it is to do with being secure or not. You can see it. So I haven't dissabled it and noticed it.
He knows I do it..pretty much everyone does. You can turn it off. But I haven't
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Post by Deleted on Feb 14, 2022 1:33:50 GMT
Snap is just something that younger people use. We're both in our 20's so we use that or text . Personally neither of us have our locations turned on for anyone else except who we are close with. In his case 2 people. In my case about 7. As I have said from the beginning, even without a breakup, I am a curious person no matter what. Observant to the world around me. Love to learn or analyze. I would be noticing that or anyone else in the location of whomever I am texting. I don't think it it is to do with being secure or not. You can see it. So I haven't dissabled it and noticed it. He knows I do it..pretty much everyone does. You can turn it off. But I haven't Interesting take. I think that what you are calling curious, others might call nosey. You're not harming him, but the definition of "nosey" is to be TOO curious about the affairs of others, there is a distinction between what is considered healthy and what is considered intrusive (like your assumptions about his behaviors, the mind reading stuff above). Nosey neighbors aren't popular with anyone and it's because they have that insatiable curiosity about other peoples business, that is really none of THEIR business. It's a boundary thing. It might not work out well for you to continue to indulge your "curiosity" without questioning it. Food for thought. But, Thanks for satisfying my curiosity about social media tracking- I have kids in their 20's and don't even know the weird stuff they do lol. Again, best of luck and take care. |
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Post by tnr9 on Feb 14, 2022 1:34:57 GMT
Snap is just something that younger people use. We're both in our 20's so we use that or text . Personally neither of us have our locations turned on for anyone else except who we are close with. In his case 2 people. In my case about 7. As I have said from the beginning, even without a breakup, I am a curious person no matter what. Observant to the world around me. Love to learn or analyze. I would be noticing that or anyone else in the location of whomever I am texting. I don't think it it is to do with being secure or not. You can see it. So I haven't dissabled it and noticed it. He knows I do it..pretty much everyone does. You can turn it off. But I haven't There is a difference between observing and jumping to a conclusion….why is it still so important for you to speak for him? If it were me..I would find that trait really disrespectful. It would be very off putting and it isn’t secure. And I do not understand why him being a homebody is something that needs to be mentioned….that has absolutely zippo to do with being FA. I also find the monitoring of his movement as creepy….and I would truly encourage you to deactivate it….because it is keeping you stuck and still focused on him. Curious then.Is it safe to assume even tho it is 5 weeks, he has not had the time to assess/process emotions pr anything about what happened with us esp that last day? No…it isn’t ok to assume anything about him…that is what the members of this community have said several times. |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Feb 14, 2022 1:46:07 GMT
Snap is just something that younger people use. We're both in our 20's so we use that or text . Personally neither of us have our locations turned on for anyone else except who we are close with. In his case 2 people. In my case about 7. As I have said from the beginning, even without a breakup, I am a curious person no matter what. Observant to the world around me. Love to learn or analyze. I would be noticing that or anyone else in the location of whomever I am texting. I don't think it it is to do with being secure or not. You can see it. So I haven't dissabled it and noticed it. He knows I do it..pretty much everyone does. You can turn it off. But I haven't There is a difference between observing and jumping to a conclusion….why is it still so important for you to speak for him? If it were me..I would find that trait really disrespectful. It would be very off putting and it isn’t secure. And I do not understand why him being a homebody is something that needs to be mentioned….that has absolutely zippo to do with being FA. I also find the monitoring of his movement as creepy….and I would truly encourage you to deactivate it….because it is keeping you stuck and still focused on him. Curious then.Is it safe to assume even tho it is 5 weeks, he has not had the time to assess/process emotions pr anything about what happened with us esp that last day? No…it isn’t ok to assume anything about him…that is what the members of this community have said several times. Well said! I found the assumptions made about his thinking and behavior to be off putting as well, and disrespectful. And the word creepy definitely came to mind with the original post. The whole scenario is far from secure but the rationalizations are well stocked. I frankly am disappointed that the effort is made to get enabled with it here, in spite of all the feedback prior. But, again, charlii ... you are free to believe whatever you want to about your level of security and appropriateness! I just wouldn't bet on getting a lot of support for your behavior here, there's too much maturity and been-there-done-that wisdom on the board really. Gotta jump off this thread for real, I'm not curious about the questions originally posed 😬. |
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Post by charlii on Feb 14, 2022 2:25:39 GMT
Homebody refers to the like to hang out at home. Both of us do that. IIt can be used in terms of describing someone who goes out alot versus someone who likes to hang at home. I am speaking how? I had a break up, I am processing it, questioning behavior changes and what I may anticipate so I don't let anything bother me. I am asking how others' generally behave and comparing it (even if not exact).
It may have ZERO to do with being FA...but according to things I have read here, it 'seems' that behavior changes with an FA after a breakup. Acting opposite how you knew each other in your relationship.
That is why it would be important if that were to happen. For example doing different things when dealing w a post- breakup.
I would try Snapchat yourselves...before denouncing it as creepy as you are free to enable or disable who you want. As said. I have just a few close people on there.
No one is looking for enabiling here../I am not anyway. Just questions and thoughts. No judgement there tho.
And you know what Introvert..glad you are mature and been there done that- But I am secure enough and mature enough not to take the bait of the passive aggressive comments.
I'll continue to read and gain info from other's experiences.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Feb 14, 2022 2:54:38 GMT
Homebody refers to the like to hang out at home. Both of us do that. IIt can be used in terms of describing someone who goes out alot versus someone who likes to hang at home. I am speaking how? I had a break up, I am processing it, questioning behavior changes and what I may anticipate so I don't let anything bother me. I am asking how others' generally behave and comparing it (even if not exact). It may have ZERO to do with being FA...but according to things I have read here, it 'seems' that behavior changes with an FA after a breakup. Acting opposite how you knew each other in your relationship. That is why it would be important if that were to happen. For example doing different things when dealing w a post- breakup. I would try Snapchat yourselves...before denouncing it as creepy as you are free to enable or disable who you want. As said. I have just a few close people on there. No one is looking for enabiling here../I am not anyway. Just questions and thoughts. No judgement there tho. And you know what Introvert..glad you are mature and been there done that- But I am secure enough and mature enough not to take the bait of the passive aggressive comments. I'll continue to read and gain info from other's experiences. I'm not passive aggressive, I've been very straightforward with you. I've not been there done that myself as far as trying to track someone's life the way you are, but someone here mentioned they had engaged in that type of anxious behavior and had empathized with you but pointed out the unhealthy and intrusive aspects of it. And seriously, I count it as your prerogative but I just don't co-sign your rationalizations, that is all. |
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Post by tnr9 on Feb 14, 2022 3:30:30 GMT
Homebody refers to the like to hang out at home. Both of us do that. IIt can be used in terms of describing someone who goes out alot versus someone who likes to hang at home. I am speaking how? I had a break up, I am processing it, questioning behavior changes and what I may anticipate so I don't let anything bother me. I am asking how others' generally behave and comparing it (even if not exact). It may have ZERO to do with being FA...but according to things I have read here, it 'seems' that behavior changes with an FA after a breakup. Acting opposite how you knew each other in your relationship. That is why it would be important if that were to happen. For example doing different things when dealing w a post- breakup. I would try Snapchat yourselves...before denouncing it as creepy as you are free to enable or disable who you want. As said. I have just a few close people on there. No one is looking for enabiling here../I am not anyway. Just questions and thoughts. No judgement there tho. And you know what Introvert..glad you are mature and been there done that- But I am secure enough and mature enough not to take the bait of the passive aggressive comments. I'll continue to read and gain info from other's experiences. I am not interested in that app….I was stating that in my opinion, having the app set up to where you can still see what your ex is up to is creepy….but more importantly, it is allowing you to continue your focus on him (which really isn’t healthy). It has been 5 weeks….has he reached out to you to resume a friendship? If he hasn’t in a direct way reached out to you….then let him be. Analyzing, reading, listening to podcasts changes zero. The question you pose cannot be answered by this community because we are not him…and generalizations aside…he is more then his attachment preference. |
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Post by Deleted on Feb 14, 2022 4:44:55 GMT
Here's a great article that describes what you're doing charlii, it's one of many articles on the subject of insecure styles and breakups. Your behavior just does not align with secure behavior, that's not a criticism it's an observation, based on a lot of familiarity with the subject in this community. If you read about the reference to anxious preoccupied behavior, you will see a description of what you are sharing here. Scroll down, you will see recommendations that align with more secure behavior. www.huffpost.com/entry/breakup-style-_n_5162878/amp |
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sorgin
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Post by sorgin on Feb 14, 2022 15:55:36 GMT
In regard of the snapchat topic, I think you're being a bit tough on her even though I understand your point of view. I think "Stalking or spying" former partners on social media is so normalized among youngsters that it no longer looks as creepy as it really is. I don't mean it is the right thing to do, it is very very unhealthy, but maybe she's not even realized it because among their age is totally normalized as I said. I've done it once in the past, and I end up hidding her from my instagram stories because it was so tentative to see what she was doing and I realized it was so harmful for myself. And it worked out.
This is the right thing to do, hide him so you don't even have that temptation in the screen when you're in the app, or delete his account and put and end to it. Just think that a team of people, way more intelligent than you and me, and very skilled in psychology and human behaviour among other fields designed those apps to make them extremely tempting so you back in again and again so they can monetize you, plus in this case your attachment wounds are unfold and in play. You think you have control over it but you don't, don't lie to yourself, it is not good for you and it's too tentative, hide or delete him.
I can't add anything else, as it has all been said by introvert and tnr9, which I agree with.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 14, 2022 16:15:24 GMT
sorgin, that she can see his shared location on an app, not creepy. That she is taking advantage of that fact to track his interactions and come and talk about them here to try to predict his state of mind and intentions? I find that creepy and over-reaching. That she is making judgments about his friend choice, while surprised by his breaking up with her? (She can't read him as well as she presumes it seems) I also find that overreaching, and a little creepy. Why? Because it's a significant breach of emotional boundaries, and it's just stalkerish in my opinion. She's trying to predict (and assume) his emotional state and direction, she's not just casually happening to see his geographical location. So I call bullshit on the "I just see it." That doesn't make sense combined with the rest of the content of her posts. I get that she's trying to anticipate what hurt may be coming her way but this all is unhealthy, insecure behavior and I am challenging her claim of "secure". If she did anything like this during the relationship then it's clear why it ended, frankly. It's too much mind reading and justification for doing so.
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Post by tnr9 on Feb 14, 2022 16:22:06 GMT
In regard of the snapchat topic, I think you're being a bit tough on her even though I understand your point of view. I think "Stalking or spying" former partners on social media is so normalized among youngsters that it no longer looks as creepy as it really is. I don't mean it is the right thing to do, it is very very unhealthy, but maybe she's not even realized it because among their age is totally normalized as I said. I've done it once in the past, and I end up hidding her from my instagram stories because it was so tentative to see what she was doing and I realized it was so harmful for myself. And it worked out. This is the right thing to do, hide him so you don't even have that temptation in the screen when you're in the app, or delete his account and put and end to it. Just think that a team of people, way more intelligent than you and me, and very skilled in psychology and human behaviour among other fields designed those apps to make them extremely tempting so you back in again and again so they can monetize you, plus in this case your attachment wounds are unfold and in play. You think you have control over it but you don't, don't lie to yourself, it is not good for you and it's too tentative, hide or delete him. I can't add anything else, as it has all been said by introvert and tnr9, which I agree with. I understand it is normalized….and I have the concern that @introvert raised…which is the use of that information to predict, interpret and analyze him even though they are no longer in a relationship. It enables staying stuck and focused on him. There was a time I likely would have seen no issue in it…but having learned where I end and someone else begins…it now strikes me as unhealthy…maybe that is a better word. |
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