rykus9
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Posts: 91
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Post by rykus9 on Apr 13, 2022 18:54:13 GMT
I would consider my safe places fantasy and adrenaline. When I can't get the former I just fantasize about anything, but what I love the most is just to go to he great outdoors on my own and manage reasonable risky activities, "me against the ruthless nature" sort of thing. I can't bear seeing neither other humans nor human traces, don't know precisely why it bothers me so much. When I get everything I need I am plenty focused on what I am doing, a bit scared and not thinking that much, just the next step matters. I am also amused by the beauty of nature. The problem comes when the sun goes down. I like to set a fire, then I have to face myself, I usually feel very lonely and a deep desire that there was someone else to connect with and to share it. There are very few people to whom I like to share these experiences with, maybe two or three childhood friends. They don't like it as I do so I usually go alone. This really resonates with me. I also feel way different if I can go into a natural survival mode. Very clear and present. Problem for me is I like very spontaneous usually under prepared to most outdoors enthusiasts. I don't like tents or big bags full of comforts so a lot of people don't want to venture to far with me or I am stuck in a safe stroll in the woods scenario that isn't what I like. I think for me being alone I the middle of nowhere makes me embrace that I am near an apex predator, I can focus on my movements and my surroundings and put purpose and confidence into every move without having to consider feelings or pack order mentalities that happen if you move or act like a confident apex predator in society. I first thought of this when I thought a cougar was maybe stalking me.. I have a "poofy walk" you ever see a dog kind of alert,confident but sensing threat? They get bigger by fluffing up their fur and moving different. More confident bigger steps that are more abrupt. I do that too lol especially at night. I think its good for me to channel that sometimes and get to feel my body go in battle mode but in a natural and productive way where I won't be judged or upset more pack minded people. *edit. I also realize I have a kind of safe space in my head. I love to dive really deep into my hobbies/interests, sometimes even trivial things if I'm really stressed. I will want something specific and pretty normal like a weed eater. Then I look at all the models/ brands. Then I find a forum of reviews and users. Then I buy a commercial grade weed eater that I use 5 times a year. I have put money into old vehicles aswell because I started reading and getting myself distracted in some crazy idea I later discard. I don't think I've had a physical space I thought of as safe. The closest I can think on that was probably being at girlfriends houses in the early honeymoon phase. I've had a lot of issues with my space being violated to some extent. I use to have a lot of dogs and that helped a bit I think,but was a lot of work and hurt aswell. |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 13, 2022 19:16:51 GMT
It seems there is a gender difference in safe spaces! It would make sense to me...
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sorgin
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Post by sorgin on Apr 13, 2022 23:34:43 GMT
I would consider my safe places fantasy and adrenaline. When I can't get the former I just fantasize about anything, but what I love the most is just to go to he great outdoors on my own and manage reasonable risky activities, "me against the ruthless nature" sort of thing. I can't bear seeing neither other humans nor human traces, don't know precisely why it bothers me so much. When I get everything I need I am plenty focused on what I am doing, a bit scared and not thinking that much, just the next step matters. I am also amused by the beauty of nature. The problem comes when the sun goes down. I like to set a fire, then I have to face myself, I usually feel very lonely and a deep desire that there was someone else to connect with and to share it. There are very few people to whom I like to share these experiences with, maybe two or three childhood friends. They don't like it as I do so I usually go alone. This really resonates with me. I also feel way different if I can go into a natural survival mode. Very clear and present. Problem for me is I like very spontaneous usually under prepared to most outdoors enthusiasts. I don't like tents or big bags full of comforts so a lot of people don't want to venture to far with me or I am stuck in a safe stroll in the woods scenario that isn't what I like. I think for me being alone I the middle of nowhere makes me embrace that I am near an apex predator, I can focus on my movements and my surroundings and put purpose and confidence into every move without having to consider feelings or pack order mentalities that happen if you move or act like a confident apex predator in society. I first thought of this when I thought a cougar was maybe stalking me.. I have a "poofy walk" you ever see a dog kind of alert,confident but sensing threat? They get bigger by fluffing up their fur and moving different. More confident bigger steps that are more abrupt. I do that too lol especially at night. I think its good for me to channel that sometimes and get to feel my body go in battle mode but in a natural and productive way where I won't be judged or upset more pack minded people. *edit. I also realize I have a kind of safe space in my head. I love to dive really deep into my hobbies/interests, sometimes even trivial things if I'm really stressed. I will want something specific and pretty normal like a weed eater. Then I look at all the models/ brands. Then I find a forum of reviews and users. Then I buy a commercial grade weed eater that I use 5 times a year. I have put money into old vehicles aswell because I started reading and getting myself distracted in some crazy idea I later discard. I don't think I've had a physical space I thought of as safe. The closest I can think on that was probably being at girlfriends houses in the early honeymoon phase. I've had a lot of issues with my space being violated to some extent. I use to have a lot of dogs and that helped a bit I think,but was a lot of work and hurt aswell. Yeah buddy, I feel you, "only the esential" style, nothing better than sleeping looking up the stars inside your bivy sack in the middle of nowhere. I lived in British Columbia for a year and a half and I loved to be out there. I lived close to Alaska as a mushroom hunter during the summertime. Wilderness. We don't have such a word in our language. Few bears are left here and no wolves at all. Now I have to play as if I were three days from the closest road while being 6 to 7 hours long, but the effect is real, the risk as well. The backcountry is always wild and beautiful. In regard to what you said about digging deep into reading forums and so about hobbies. I can relate about that as well. In fact I am currently fixing an old van from the 80s to make it my home and I feel very safe (in a way that I am totally focused) when looking for parts, tutorials, tools and also fantazising about myself living free from rent and stuff. It's crazy how similar we are. Our attachment style might drive us to look for similar things. At the end, we humans beings are no so different from one another and somehow predictible. |
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rykus9
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Posts: 91
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Post by rykus9 on Apr 14, 2022 1:35:25 GMT
sorgin yes it is crazy the similarities I see within some of the posts here. I have always looked for answers about my personality, but until I found the dismissive attachment never has anything been so startlingly close on so many aspects I thought where fairly unique, as I'm sure you did as well. I love foraging! That must have been a great adventure to explore up Northern BC. I only lived for a short time in grizzly country and I have a great deal of respect for their presence, the wild up there is yes undescribable! Glad to meet you on here and hope you are doing well. This forum has really been helping me a lot and I'm thankful for connections like this!
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Post by krolle on Apr 14, 2022 2:47:06 GMT
sorgin yes it is crazy the similarities I see within some of the posts here. I have always looked for answers about my personality, but until I found the dismissive attachment never has anything been so startlingly close on so many aspects I thought where fairly unique, as I'm sure you did as well. I love foraging! That must have been a great adventure to explore up Northern BC. I only lived for a short time in grizzly country and I have a great deal of respect for their presence, the wild up there is yes undescribable! Glad to meet you on here and hope you are doing well. This forum has really been helping me a lot and I'm thankful for connections like this! Well Met rykus9I have bonded with sorgin before regarding similarities in our personalities, so its nice to hear there are other people on here who share sentiment. I'm glad to hear you are searching for answers about yourself. It is quiet the journey. I notice in myself a strong ability to recognize patterns. Hopefully you will find some you are looking for. I am also a huge lover of nature. And the wilderness is one of my safe places for sure. I have talked on the forum before about taking long wilderness trips. I don't want to project my own reasons for that onto you as some of them are not so admirable. But I will share them if they offer potential avenues that might resonate with you. The easiest part to explain has already been mentioned. Nature can be breathtakingly beautiful. And not every body can hack it, so that gives us who can a sense of earned exclusivity that we can get to some of those hard to access places. Secondarily, and more closely related to attachment styles, I think it has a lot to do with our relationship to people/humanity. I have a very negative view of humanity. Always feeling like an outcast. Though I can (temporarily) form close bonds with individuals or small groups, I mistrust people in general. And I also find them exhausting for the most part. But out in the natural world things are much simpler. Getting out in nature feels like a breath of fresh air, both literally and figuratively. Without access to nature I'm sure I would go insane. In addition I do minimal gear and "challenging" trips. I have always thought of the reason for that being that I feel the need to prove my competence. In the social world my executive functioning is poor, in nature my executive functioning is elite!. and finally I have always felt (enmeshed, encroached upon, trapped, controlled.....whatever restrictive metaphor you prefer...) in my relationships. Being out in the wild alone offers such an intoxicating sense of freedom its very addictive. May I ask what your relationship to your parents was/is like? |
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Post by krolle on Apr 14, 2022 3:04:12 GMT
krolle, I don't think that I feel different levels of HSP sensitivity correlated to how occupied I am. My main hobby involves acute mental focus and physical coordination, and I do terribly trying to engage in public with it without blocking sensory input via custom earplugs and carefully selected clothing choices (I feel like such a weenie still when I describe the steps I have to take to be comfortable in public spaces but I can laugh and give myself a mental hug all the same hahaha). My favorite way to engage in this competitive hobby is alone and in silence, 100 percent occupied and engaged. For hours. I can only handle a couple hours in public with sensory insulation before I'm D.O.N.E. I also compete well, but feel a bit overwhelmed by the end of a match and need to get home to a quiet place and veg in order to feel relaxed and get over a feeling of overwhelm even if I won the match. So it's not win/lose emotions related either. I recently took up archery and again, It takes a lot of focus and I LOVE the silence and tranquility of the indoor range nearby where even in the presence of other archers, I felt great simply because it was so quiet and non-overwhelming. My boyfriend got me a bow and loves to shoot so it's going to be a great compliment to our other couple activities that involve a lot more sensory input (like sailing, about to come into play but seriously the wind and cold temps can get to me, obviously). When the weather becomes balmy I look forward to outdoor local ranges where the natural scenery is splendid. Kind of an HSP dream right? I like to strength train but need ear plugs to do it in public. Vegging out at home, I also prefer silence and low sensory stimulation. I am sensitive HSP-wise all the time, alone or not, occupied or just chillin doing nothing. Glad to know that because being unable to manage that made me more avoidant in my life prior to learning about it. Sorry for the little tangent... When I'm just chilling being still I don't feel squirmy at all. I don't have any discomfort with it. I hope this doesnt offend you in any way. But one thing I have been looking into is potentially having an autistic spectrum disorder, after it was suggested by my therapist based on many of my personality traits. Have you ever considered that for yourself? |
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rykus9
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Post by rykus9 on Apr 14, 2022 3:39:02 GMT
I feel there are many parallels with what you say are your experiences to except for I spent a lot of time outdoors as a kid and as an avoidant I rarely think about people at all when I'm out there. It is the rare escape from that, but in life I think my thoughts especially on trusting and bonding we are very similar.
My relationship with my parents I honestly thought was just normal. They are both professional middle class working folks. My mom was a teacher. Most people really liked her in that regard. She was around the most and was pretty supportive and took us to do a lot of stuff.
My dad was rarely around and was really over sensitive.
I realize now I was raised pretty strict, don't touch anything. Don't talk. Was expected to be easy and happy. Everything had to have a solution, a logical fix.
I was put in the basement as a kid pretty young I think, not sure why. And my mother and her mother are both very cold. No I love you except in cards no physical affection. I was alone and outside a lot.
But yeah I honestly kinda thought I had a good childhood until I read the dismissive traits and actually thought about it. Wierd right?
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 14, 2022 3:57:40 GMT
krolle , I don't think that I feel different levels of HSP sensitivity correlated to how occupied I am. My main hobby involves acute mental focus and physical coordination, and I do terribly trying to engage in public with it without blocking sensory input via custom earplugs and carefully selected clothing choices (I feel like such a weenie still when I describe the steps I have to take to be comfortable in public spaces but I can laugh and give myself a mental hug all the same hahaha). My favorite way to engage in this competitive hobby is alone and in silence, 100 percent occupied and engaged. For hours. I can only handle a couple hours in public with sensory insulation before I'm D.O.N.E. I also compete well, but feel a bit overwhelmed by the end of a match and need to get home to a quiet place and veg in order to feel relaxed and get over a feeling of overwhelm even if I won the match. So it's not win/lose emotions related either. I recently took up archery and again, It takes a lot of focus and I LOVE the silence and tranquility of the indoor range nearby where even in the presence of other archers, I felt great simply because it was so quiet and non-overwhelming. My boyfriend got me a bow and loves to shoot so it's going to be a great compliment to our other couple activities that involve a lot more sensory input (like sailing, about to come into play but seriously the wind and cold temps can get to me, obviously). When the weather becomes balmy I look forward to outdoor local ranges where the natural scenery is splendid. Kind of an HSP dream right? I like to strength train but need ear plugs to do it in public. Vegging out at home, I also prefer silence and low sensory stimulation. I am sensitive HSP-wise all the time, alone or not, occupied or just chillin doing nothing. Glad to know that because being unable to manage that made me more avoidant in my life prior to learning about it. Sorry for the little tangent... When I'm just chilling being still I don't feel squirmy at all. I don't have any discomfort with it. I hope this doesnt offend you in any way. But one thing I have been looking into is potentially having an autistic spectrum disorder, after it was suggested by my therapist based on many of my personality traits. Have you ever considered that for yourself? No, I've worked with psychologists in relation to a custody case where my attorneys asked for psychological evaluation due to father's addiction and behavior. In addition to that, I've used professional therapists over the years. The custody case required both of us to undergo full evaluation with potential diagnosis- there was no dx for me other than being a victim of emotional abuse and needing support for that. My childhood consisted of a lot of alone time, it's what I remember most- long afternoons wandering alone in the country where we lived, or playing by myself in the back yard behind a row of trees when we moved to the city. Neither parents engaged much beyond very basic caregiving, not even to greet us kids when we came from school as soon as we were old enough to walk there which for me was second grade. Frankly, there was mostly neglect. So I consider the conditioning of isolation to be a heavy factor in my makeup. I don't have any neuro divergence or PD, unless you count HSP as neuro divergence. Are you planning on getting a full evaluation? I highly recommend that, should really offer some clarity. |
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Post by anne12 on Apr 14, 2022 6:00:56 GMT
Guys, rykus9 , krolle , sorgin I would recommend looking more into neurodivergence , e,g, asperger (maybe also adhd/add). I know 3 men with asperger in their 40ties, 50ties (dated two of them, for about 3 months a long time ago) with some of the same traits, as you are describing. Yes, they didn’t get diagnosed as children and they dident tell me about their asperger traits. When you know weather or not you are neurodivergent, there are so many resources - also in couples therapy. If the couples counselor is not familiar with asperger, there will be a lot of misunderstandings and maybe no progression. It is also important for your future partner to know about www.maxineaston.co.uk/published/AS_in_the_Counselling_Room.shtmlChris Packham - Asperger’s and me - documentary - youtu.be/IjdEJdr-vfs (to me his Asperger’s is more extreme than the men I have been dating - they were a lot more social) There are more resources in the neurodivergence thread in the general discussion forum jebkinnisonforum.com/post/40538/ |
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sorgin
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Post by sorgin on Apr 14, 2022 10:19:38 GMT
Guys, rykus9 , krolle , sorgin I would recommend looking more into neurodivergence , e,g, asperger (maybe also adhd/add). I know 3 men with asperger in their 40ties, 50ties (dated two of them, for about 3 months a long time ago) with some of the same traits, as you are describing. Yes, they didn’t get diagnosed as children and they dident tell me about their asperger traits. When you know weather or not you are neurodivergent, there are so many resources - also in couples therapy. If the couples counselor is not familiar with asperger, there will be a lot of misunderstandings and maybe no progression. It is also important for your future partner to know about www.maxineaston.co.uk/published/AS_in_the_Counselling_Room.shtmlChris Packham - Asperger’s and me - documentary - youtu.be/IjdEJdr-vfs (to me his Asperger’s is more extreme than the men I have been dating - they were a lot more social) There are more resources in the neurodivergence thread in the general discussion forum jebkinnisonforum.com/post/40538/Thanks Anne, I briefly had a look at Asperger's syndrome and I would't say (so far) I fit as an Asperger, but I appreciate your interest. I'll sure have a look at it another day. I definetely have some traits. I don't have problems socializing, when I want I can do it fairly well, but most of the time I just don't want to and I don't like it. I keep a close group of people around me instead. I am highly perfectionist but 80% of the time is related to my mind (obsessively) building or fixing important things to last forever, strong enough and well design, because it streses me sooo much to think about my "whatever it is" failing, specially when I do it for myself but for others as well. I simply want it to last forever, to be always by me and not let me down. So I am not a perfectionist in every aspect of my life, in fact I couldn't be more untidy. I don't know how this would fit in the picture of an Asperger. It looks more related to attachment trauma, doesn't it? Does anyone else relate? Being that said, I was diagnosed with ADHD 15 years ago. I've read that some ADHD's are in fact trauma survivors and some are misdiagnosed though. Sorry for the off topic. |
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sorgin
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Post by sorgin on Apr 14, 2022 10:45:51 GMT
sorgin yes it is crazy the similarities I see within some of the posts here. I have always looked for answers about my personality, but until I found the dismissive attachment never has anything been so startlingly close on so many aspects I thought where fairly unique, as I'm sure you did as well. I love foraging! That must have been a great adventure to explore up Northern BC. I only lived for a short time in grizzly country and I have a great deal of respect for their presence, the wild up there is yes undescribable! Glad to meet you on here and hope you are doing well. This forum has really been helping me a lot and I'm thankful for connections like this! Yeah, I felt that as well, I am so "unique", noboby is dealing with the stuff I am dealing, "something is broken inside me and don't want to tell anyone" type of feeling. I was so happy this has a name and it isn't a unique way of being. I hope you all are doing well, I don't write that much but I read you on a daily basis. |
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Post by anne12 on Apr 14, 2022 13:24:24 GMT
sorgin People with asperger can be extroverted and sociable… About adhd there’s a discussion going on right now in the somatic experiencing group on Facebook
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 14, 2022 13:58:16 GMT
I might give the impression that I don't enjoy socializing- but I do. I just prefer one on one to groups, I find groups overwhelming to some degree, and can have fun with them a short time and then prefer to retreat.
And, for the record... speaking on this thread about where I like to retreat for a safe space. As a matter of daily living, it's different. I engage a lot with people for my work, both in the group setting of my workplace and one on one in the service I provide. It's actually very personal, working with body issues. So I don't have an anti-social bent, I like interaction but many settings are too loud or busy for my HSP personality.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 14, 2022 14:09:06 GMT
I would consider my safe places fantasy and adrenaline. When I can't get the former I just fantasize about anything, but what I love the most is just to go to he great outdoors on my own and manage reasonable risky activities, "me against the ruthless nature" sort of thing. I can't bear seeing neither other humans nor human traces, don't know precisely why it bothers me so much. When I get everything I need I am plenty focused on what I am doing, a bit scared and not thinking that much, just the next step matters. I am also amused by the beauty of nature. The problem comes when the sun goes down. I like to set a fire, then I have to face myself, I usually feel very lonely and a deep desire that there was someone else to connect with and to share it. There are very few people to whom I like to share these experiences with, maybe two or three childhood friends. They don't like it as I do so I usually go alone. This really resonates with me. I also feel way different if I can go into a natural survival mode. Very clear and present. Problem for me is I like very spontaneous usually under prepared to most outdoors enthusiasts. I don't like tents or big bags full of comforts so a lot of people don't want to venture to far with me or I am stuck in a safe stroll in the woods scenario that isn't what I like. I think for me being alone I the middle of nowhere makes me embrace that I am near an apex predator, I can focus on my movements and my surroundings and put purpose and confidence into every move without having to consider feelings or pack order mentalities that happen if you move or act like a confident apex predator in society. I first thought of this when I thought a cougar was maybe stalking me.. I have a "poofy walk" you ever see a dog kind of alert,confident but sensing threat? They get bigger by fluffing up their fur and moving different. More confident bigger steps that are more abrupt. I do that too lol especially at night. I think its good for me to channel that sometimes and get to feel my body go in battle mode but in a natural and productive way where I won't be judged or upset more pack minded people. *edit. I also realize I have a kind of safe space in my head. I love to dive really deep into my hobbies/interests, sometimes even trivial things if I'm really stressed. I will want something specific and pretty normal like a weed eater. Then I look at all the models/ brands. Then I find a forum of reviews and users. Then I buy a commercial grade weed eater that I use 5 times a year. I have put money into old vehicles aswell because I started reading and getting myself distracted in some crazy idea I later discard. I don't think I've had a physical space I thought of as safe. The closest I can think on that was probably being at girlfriends houses in the early honeymoon phase. I've had a lot of issues with my space being violated to some extent. I use to have a lot of dogs and that helped a bit I think,but was a lot of work and hurt aswell. Ha, your edit is so me. Easy to go down the rabbit hole of research, reading, for anything. I'm studying a couple languages right now and it's a safe space, in a way. I've got my safe abode now that is all mine but I've had a lot of problems with my space being violated in the past, sharing space with partners who had really horrible boundary issues and I didn't know how to protect myself in a healthy way which is why I turn to go into my head. I can retreat in the presence of others, I don't need a space if it isn't available. |
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Post by Deleted on Apr 14, 2022 14:46:33 GMT
Also, the thread on healing DA avoidant attachment style mentions the avoidant connection to nature. I spent wayyyy more time alone in nature before coming more out of avoidance, I spent most of my free time in the woods. It's strange, now I have to MAKE time to do what used to be the staple if my me time. Balance is good though. I just spend a lot more time with my partner in our activities, time I used to be alone and more in the dismissive groove.
When I was a kid I spent all my time with our animals, outdoors exploring, fishing for hours, it seems like I was always outdoors by myself or.... reading.
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