What are your safe spaces?

sorgin
People with asperger can be extroverted and sociable…

About adhd there’s a discussion going on right now in the somatic experiencing group on Facebook

In my process of knowing myself I went through thinking I had so many mental dissorders that I didn't finally have that now I am reluctant to think I have anything else aside of ADHD, FA and I am yet to discover whether I might have a mid CPTSD as well. But you got my attention and I'll dig deeper into it to find out. Thanks Anne. I guess getting a therapist to diagnose me is ideal, but still struggling with trust issues. The funny thing is that while writting you I got an engine totally open in front of me to replace the head gasket, fix valves and more, because I didn't trust the mechanic to do it, even though I've never done it before. Greetings to you all.

@introverttemporary They're both available in their respective film counterparts as well. Seven years in tibet is worth watching, one of my favourite films.

I love how deep your admiration for him is. Well, I mean, no wonder why, rebuilding the transmission? Wow haha. Looks like you're doing a great job working on yourself so far!

I appreciate your encouragement. I don't let myself to be undermined by those who focus on things related to my ADHD I cannot or do not want to change at the moment. It affects me less and less since some of who I considered comprehensive people ended up unmasking themselves as insecures projecting their own stuff on me and unable to accept everyone's brain doesn't work the same way. It took way more time to realize it than I'd like to admit it... Obviously I'd be much more affected if the person complaining were my partner, as I'be already triggered by my attachment woundings.

I would like to ask you, if isn't too personal to post it here, what aspects of the ADHD in your partner you find that might create "non-insecure attachment related conflict" within the relationship.

I love that you are secure in your neuro divergence! I can somewhat relate because having strong HSP traits is also to be different from the "norm", and conveys a set of difficulties but also some strengths and gifts that I appreciate. My boyfriend takes me as I am as well, the "high maintenance" sensitive woman and the empathetic, insightful, and gifted woman are one in the same to him and it really feels good to be supported the way he supports me.

We do have non-attachment related conflict related specifically to more problematic ADHD traits, but also have made a lot of progress with how we approach those conflicts. Here are some areas of conflict we have experienced and are learning to navigate constructively:

Time management/hyper focus . He has a tendency to lose track of time and become hyper focused which can lead to frustration and disappointment on my end if he makes us late for something, keeps me waiting when I'm hungry (like, we have a date and he's still off doing something and I'm starved as hell and tired, haven't heard from him and feeling resentful because I feel forgotten, blah blah).

How it's evolved: In the past, a pattern of this triggered anger and avoidance in me. I'd let him feel my irritation and he'd get defensive. Fight ensues. Then I began to put it all together. I talked to him about ADHD, in an attempt to support him, and work out the kinks. He felt defensive and rejected a label BUT... acknowledged that leaving me hanging was not his intention and was painful for me(and for him) Solution- a reminder or alarm on his phone to help him stay in track. Over time this has become (almost) a non issue!

He's a hoarder, messy. (Not filth, just small piles of random chaos). This is an issue that we are approaching as a couple. Right now, we spend our together time in his personal space, instead of mine because of logistics. I recognize it's his space and his business, but also have my own needs for organization and the arrangement of my personal space, which helps me feel calm and balanced and most at ease. I used to fear the idea of cohabiting in the future, because of our vastly different lifestyles related to our personal space. I initiated a difficult conversation about this at one point, because it just kind of came to a head. I had to balance his needs and choices (and real struggles/limitations) with my own needs and wants, and asked for a compromise or at least a acknowledgement of this as an obstacle.

How it's evolving: He likes and does not resent my re-organizing of the space, he likes the feeling of home and the pleasant esthetic I've introduced to his space. He acknowledges the clutter and messiness as something undesirable that he would like very much to correct, because he also enjoys organization but has difficulty achieving it. We have an open understanding that this is something we can and will approach as partners, with him tackling the task and me not taking the mom role with it- a common trap for an adhd couple is to fall into that parent child dynamic and we are aware of that on both ends. I will not over function, he will not persistently avoid the challenge. It's up to him to find a way to manage his stuff and I will be helpful and supportive. This is something we are doing to pave the way for happy cohabitation in the future.

Impulsiveness, failure to plan adequately: This has resulted in some snafus! Short version: Some "I told you so!" , emotionally charged moments have evolved into more partnering on plans so that we can combine his inspiration with my pragmatic approach. More teamwork, more planning discussions, more adopting my way of doing things because I'm a more thorough planner and able to anticipate and head off difficulty, I excel at it as an HSP. He brings the vision and makes a lot happen, I help it happen less chaotically lol. It's actually a lot of fun to develop as a team, we are having a great time bringing the best of the ADHD and the best of the HSP personalities together. We are so opposite in some ways, it could spell the end of the relationship! But we have opted to make it something really special that capitalizes on our respective strengths.

There are more, but there is nothing that we can't turn into an opportunity to get stronger and better as a couple. The payoff is worth it, for both of us.

A sense of humor has proven very helpful, on both sides. We are able to laugh at ourselves, and playful interaction about this stuff is pretty common. It's been rough, really rough at times but that has softened as we have built trust and true camaraderie as a couple.

It takes me a while to answer compared to other posters for obvoius reasons and I prefer to take my time to do it.
Thanks for your insight! It's nice to see a fair and mature approach to both HSP and ADHD in your relationship. Definitely not a fairy tale, but a true story of work and dedication. Moreover I can see you practice the concept of "good enough" changes to make things work out, not trying to impose radical behavioural shifts, that's a big trigger to me and I turn deffensive. I am willing to accept some changes with support and comprehension, but I won't accept to be someone I can't be, specially when the only "support" I get is "all you have to do to change is wanting to change" LOL.

I now see more clearly how some aspects of ADHD can bring conflict, especially those related to time managing and failure to plan. When I am hyperfocused in getting something done, I can easily forget or postpone about eating, sleeping, hanging out with friends, etc. Not very nice to have someone wait while starving haha.

I've never thought about the mom role, but it's a bit scary to fall into that trap. I struggled so much at home to be a functional man. She didn't let me cook, she would go at night and take the dishes out of the dishcleaner because she didn't like the way I organized it, she would re-clean everything afterwards because I couldn't fit her high standards of perfection. It ended up in me giving up about doing a shit at home and avoiding to be at home as much as possible because they would blame me about not doing a shit everytime they got the chance to do it and I would get triggered and defensive.