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Post by jash123 on Apr 11, 2022 10:24:10 GMT
Hello everyone
So I am 25 years old and she is 19 years old. We are both university students in USA. Everything was good in our long term relationship (more than 1 year) but she wanted to go out of country for a student project for 5-6 months. She said she need to feel a little independent and free and such we can be long distance for this period then she said everything will be alright. Until she goes this project (4 months) she changed totally. She started to self sabotage relationship and make problem from every little details. Then before a few weeks ago she goes, she decided to break up with me and she went this project. We didnt talk for 4 months and she came back to my city after 5 months. We a few times bumped each other and she texted me. We had great conversation, we were going out and having fun even we kissed. She had drunk call with me. But she was totally one day hot other day cold. She was confused at all. Also she was doing these with someone else. So she was eating her cake like she had me and she had other guy. Kinda dating with both of us. A few weeks continued like this and I asked her to date with me like "official" decision she needs to make. And she said she isnt sure she is confused bla bla bla. I said her that my time is valuable i dont want to lose time with this childish game like she keep both of us in her hand. Then i pushed her to make decision. She said she doesnt want to date with anybody right now she needs time she isnt ready. Then i said okay i respect we move on totally and cut connection forever. I removed her number, all social media etc. She said okay she will try to move on from us maybe we would be together or marry in the future. I said i am not going to contact her anymore.Me and her were going to same aerobic course. After one week she registered other guy to this aerobic course and show up infront of me with him. I have never seen such disrespect before from anybody. It is crazy childish and sick move by her. After this moment something is broken in me against her like i lost my all respect to her and my love turned into like disgusting feeling towards her. I am moving from city after 2 months found job in capital city. So therefore we wont see each other again after 2 months already and she probably wont even know I moved because of we dont have that much mutual friends and she cant see my social media.
Lastly she was going to therapy for years but i dont think this child trauma can be solved easily if therapist isnt professional about this or attachment styles.
I suggest everyone to move on from FA Ex otherwise they will text you probably in the future when they see real lose but this cycle will repeat. Once hot once cold then they pull away etc.
If you are anxious like me(i try to lean secure) FA will steal your time and even if you get back together it will end the same if they dont get therapy even couple therapy
She had parents but she didnt see any love from her dad since childhood. Like her father was ignoring her and didnt show any love when we were together. She was crying about this all the time and he cheated on his wife many times. They eventually broke up. Her brother is also same he is 27 years old and he didnt have any healthy relationship since i met with him. Like he dates with girls but max in 3-4 months he broke up with them. I think this is coming from parents and they made their children FA. Her brother also goes therapy and he has borderline personality disorder. (i believe my ex has too)
I am really really sorry for her and her psychology but i cant accept that what she did to me. Even if she texts one day i am thinking to ignore her.
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Post by jash123 on Apr 17, 2022 11:57:19 GMT
update
we kept bumping each other a few days and we didnt say even hi
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rykus9
Junior Member
Posts: 91
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Post by rykus9 on Apr 17, 2022 16:57:37 GMT
Sorry you had to go through all that, it can be really hard. Try to focus on yourself and doing thing to make yourself happy. As much as it hurts trying to love someone that can't accept love yet is really hurtful too so probably this outcome is actually for the best and hopefully is an opertunith to grow and figure out what you really want or need.
Sending positive thoughts your way
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Post by jash123 on Apr 17, 2022 21:16:23 GMT
Sorry you had to go through all that, it can be really hard. Try to focus on yourself and doing thing to make yourself happy. As much as it hurts trying to love someone that can't accept love yet is really hurtful too so probably this outcome is actually for the best and hopefully is an opertunith to grow and figure out what you really want or need. Sending positive thoughts your way thank you a lot for your supportive comment. exactly i am doing the same and focusing on myself. Trying to date with someone else and i feel good again. I dont feel that sad after her disrespect. i am suggesting to do the same if who reads this message and struggling with avoidant ex. Just move on and leave them in their world, do not look mistake in yourself no matter what you do it ends the same, a few months later or before doesnt matter guys, out of blue they end relationships. |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 17, 2022 22:15:30 GMT
I mean, she's only 19 years old with barely a year of adulting under her belt. I get that you feel offended by her but try to have a little respect for her very young age. You're mid twenties and that is a big difference when it comes to life experience out of high school. Maybe just wish her the best and move on and try to let go of some of the bitterness? You sound bitter, at least. She's just a kid.
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rykus9
Junior Member
Posts: 91
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Post by rykus9 on Apr 17, 2022 23:06:56 GMT
Sorry you had to go through all that, it can be really hard. Try to focus on yourself and doing thing to make yourself happy. As much as it hurts trying to love someone that can't accept love yet is really hurtful too so probably this outcome is actually for the best and hopefully is an opertunith to grow and figure out what you really want or need. Sending positive thoughts your way thank you a lot for your supportive comment. exactly i am doing the same and focusing on myself. Trying to date with someone else and i feel good again. I dont feel that sad after her disrespect. i am suggesting to do the same if who reads this message and struggling with avoidant ex. Just move on and leave them in their world, do not look mistake in yourself no matter what you do it ends the same, a few months later or before doesnt matter guys, out of blue they end relationships. Just remember that likely your anxious preoccupied tendency or you leaning that way as a reaction to her way of being will not be resolved without doing self work as well. If starting a new relationship was the key to attachment we would all have it figured out after a time or two. Chances are you are attracted to avoidants as it brings up a familiar pattern from your past. The cycle will continue unless you realize that half the problems and all of the solutions are in yourself. Good luck |
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Post by jash123 on Apr 18, 2022 8:10:43 GMT
I mean, she's only 19 years old with barely a year of adulting under her belt. I get that you feel offended by her but try to have a little respect for her very young age. You're mid twenties and that is a big difference when it comes to life experience out of high school. Maybe just wish her the best and move on and try to let go of some of the bitterness? You sound bitter, at least. She's just a kid. well you are right about it but i started this relationship because she seemed more mature than others in her age. it was childish move by her |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 18, 2022 10:29:36 GMT
I mean, she's only 19 years old with barely a year of adulting under her belt. I get that you feel offended by her but try to have a little respect for her very young age. You're mid twenties and that is a big difference when it comes to life experience out of high school. Maybe just wish her the best and move on and try to let go of some of the bitterness? You sound bitter, at least. She's just a kid. well you are right about it but i started this relationship because she seemed more mature than others in her age. it was childish move by her If she is 19 and you had a relationship of a year, then you began this relationship with a girl 5-6 years younger than you when she was fresh out of high school? Maybe she was still in high school? Either way, very young and in terms of life experience, much younger than you. In my opinion as a parent of both a 25 year old and a 19 year old, I think it was poor judgment on your part to try to get a serious relationship from a 19 year old girl whom you knew to have serious issues with her father and childhood trauma. She was crying all the time about it? That's some serious pain. She's also just now embarking on a life away from home as a college student. This is a lot for a young girl. Her behavior is not at all surprising from a young woman in her stage of life, with emotional pain and new changes in college, unfortunately. And of course she was confused, that's a very confusing time as she explores relationships not just with her platonic peers but with romance as well. I am not going to agree that you were the person victimized here, and if her actions matched her age contrary to your expectations, then lesson learned for you. Your ego may sting and that's unfortunate but again, I think it was a questionable move on your part. As I said, being a parent of a 25 year old as well, I think a young man your age should know better and you were asking too much of a young woman in her position. This is likely due to your own anxious attachment style, and the tendency you'll have to push other people to meet your needs as an AP. You may wish to have a deeper look at your part in this, or you may just want to vent your feelings here. Either way, we will need to agree to disagree. It's very unfortunate to have to go through these kinds of experiences with unhealthy dating habits, but truly the way toward more successful relationships will be to do everything you can to develop a healthy approach to them. If someone is showing signs of being available for a committed relationship, you won't see them with someone else or behaving in ways that don't indicate commitment to you. So, to ask for a commitment from someone behaving as she was was a disappointing experience, but not a surprising one. I know it hurts and this has stung but hopefully you can find a good way forward that helps you find happier outcomes. You are young as well and have a big future, please take good care of yourself. Find some support, maybe a counselor or some healthy friends, and don't lose hope. The very best thing you can do is to explore your own attachment style and try to tskw care of the pain it brings. We are all here doing that and you're welcome to have a look at the Healing AP thread, it's a very good place to start. See if you can identify anything in yourself that needs support. Good luck! |
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Post by tnr9 on Apr 18, 2022 15:12:15 GMT
Hello everyone So I am 25 years old and she is 19 years old. We are both university students in USA. Everything was good in our long term relationship (more than 1 year) but she wanted to go out of country for a student project for 5-6 months. She said she need to feel a little independent and free and such we can be long distance for this period then she said everything will be alright. Until she goes this project (4 months) she changed totally. She started to self sabotage relationship and make problem from every little details. Then before a few weeks ago she goes, she decided to break up with me and she went this project. We didnt talk for 4 months and she came back to my city after 5 months. We a few times bumped each other and she texted me. We had great conversation, we were going out and having fun even we kissed. She had drunk call with me. But she was totally one day hot other day cold. She was confused at all. Also she was doing these with someone else. So she was eating her cake like she had me and she had other guy. Kinda dating with both of us. A few weeks continued like this and I asked her to date with me like "official" decision she needs to make. And she said she isnt sure she is confused bla bla bla. I said her that my time is valuable i dont want to lose time with this childish game like she keep both of us in her hand. Then i pushed her to make decision. She said she doesnt want to date with anybody right now she needs time she isnt ready. Then i said okay i respect we move on totally and cut connection forever. I removed her number, all social media etc. She said okay she will try to move on from us maybe we would be together or marry in the future. I said i am not going to contact her anymore.Me and her were going to same aerobic course. After one week she registered other guy to this aerobic course and show up infront of me with him. I have never seen such disrespect before from anybody. It is crazy childish and sick move by her. After this moment something is broken in me against her like i lost my all respect to her and my love turned into like disgusting feeling towards her. I am moving from city after 2 months found job in capital city. So therefore we wont see each other again after 2 months already and she probably wont even know I moved because of we dont have that much mutual friends and she cant see my social media. Lastly she was going to therapy for years but i dont think this child trauma can be solved easily if therapist isnt professional about this or attachment styles. I suggest everyone to move on from FA Ex otherwise they will text you probably in the future when they see real lose but this cycle will repeat. Once hot once cold then they pull away etc. If you are anxious like me(i try to lean secure) FA will steal your time and even if you get back together it will end the same if they dont get therapy even couple therapy She had parents but she didnt see any love from her dad since childhood. Like her father was ignoring her and didnt show any love when we were together. She was crying about this all the time and he cheated on his wife many times. They eventually broke up. Her brother is also same he is 27 years old and he didnt have any healthy relationship since i met with him. Like he dates with girls but max in 3-4 months he broke up with them. I think this is coming from parents and they made their children FA. Her brother also goes therapy and he has borderline personality disorder. (i believe my ex has too) I am really really sorry for her and her psychology but i cant accept that what she did to me. Even if she texts one day i am thinking to ignore her. Just so you know…not everyone who is FA does this….I feel you have generalized your situation and are in a blaming mode versus looking at how you have contributed to the situation. Most APs do not thrive with a long distance relationship and oftentimes miss changes in their own behavior as a result of this different dynamic. It will be beneficial to explore this so you can increase your chance of finding a better partnership for you in the future. |
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Post by tnr9 on Apr 18, 2022 15:23:16 GMT
I will add this…shared responsibility can be a hard concept…..but when you outsource your feelings, actions and reactions to someone else…you are basically giving your power away….and no wonder why you would be angry. But if you can see her actions/reactions as seperate from your actions/reactions (she is responsible for hers and you are responsible for yours) you then can take back your power. Yes…that does require also owning some mistakes along the way…..but better that they are your mistakes that you can work to address than be the result of someone else causing your mistakes. It isn’t a matter of avoiding avoidants…it is a matter of owning your power to decide what relationship works best for you and move forward…trusting yourself along the way that if things start to look/feel like it is the wrong relationship…you have the ability to leave. That is true power.
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Post by jash123 on Apr 18, 2022 15:49:08 GMT
well you are right about it but i started this relationship because she seemed more mature than others in her age. it was childish move by her I dont agree that because of she is "young" it gives freedom her to do whatever she wants. I didnt know her family issues before starting relationship, i knew after year when i entered into her family and their meetings. Also everyone knows that men mentality is kinda getting mature way later than women. So when i was 19 years old probably i was more childish than her. Everything was okay but this doesnt mean i am gonna accept this kind of disrespect. It made me to move on easier and faster. Yeah i dont hate her because of her disrepect just i say it was childish. As I said before I am anxious and leaning to secure. I never bombed her phone with text etc or begged to her. I said we will move on and we will be happy without each other that is it as any secure person would say. And i shared my story here for other people who is trying to deal with FA or DA. I know how to deal with FA or DA like give space give time dont text her 3-5 days then she will text you bla bla. She dont like psysical touch or holding hands in public. Then why do you call it relationship? FA or DA should have therapy to have a healthy relationship i am saying this. Otherwise if they cant solve this childhood trauma they are gonna have same pattern in their family. Because you cant do anything when your partner is "self-sabotaging" your relationship. My text is for secure or anxious people who are trying to deal with avoidants and i dont think it is because of age. Internet is full of with those stories who are way older and having same pattern for years. Short term relationships, self-sabotaging, hot-cold behavior, pushing away. No thanks just be secure and move on easily. I see here some people who is insisting to stay FA, good luck for them. |
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Post by tnr9 on Apr 18, 2022 16:05:57 GMT
I dont agree that because of she is "young" it gives freedom her to do whatever she wants. I didnt know her family issues before starting relationship, i knew after year when i entered into her family and their meetings. Also everyone knows that men mentality is kinda getting mature way later than women. So when i was 19 years old probably i was more childish than her. Everything was okay but this doesnt mean i am gonna accept this kind of disrespect. It made me to move on easier and faster. Yeah i dont hate her because of her disrepect just i say it was childish. As I said before I am anxious and leaning to secure. I never bombed her phone with text etc or begged to her. I said we will move on and we will be happy without each other that is it as any secure person would say. And i shared my story here for other people who is trying to deal with FA or DA. I know how to deal with FA or DA like give space give time dont text her 3-5 days then she will text you bla bla. She dont like psysical touch or holding hands in public. Then why do you call it relationship? FA or DA should have therapy to have a healthy relationship i am saying this. Otherwise if they cant solve this childhood trauma they are gonna have same pattern in their family. Because you cant do anything when your partner is "self-sabotaging" your relationship. My text is for secure or anxious people who are trying to deal with avoidants and i dont think it is because of age. Internet is full of with those stories who are way older and having same pattern for years. Short term relationships, self-sabotaging, hot-cold behavior, pushing away. No thanks just be secure and move on easily. I see here some people who is insisting to stay FA, good luck for them. Have you considered that all those posts that you are referring to are written by insecure individuals who are anxious pre occupied and have done zero work to address their own attachment issues? On this board we advocate looking at your own role in the relationship to move on the journey towards secure. |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 18, 2022 16:29:29 GMT
I dont agree that because of she is "young" it gives freedom her to do whatever she wants. I didnt know her family issues before starting relationship, i knew after year when i entered into her family and their meetings. Also everyone knows that men mentality is kinda getting mature way later than women. So when i was 19 years old probably i was more childish than her. Everything was okay but this doesnt mean i am gonna accept this kind of disrespect. It made me to move on easier and faster. Yeah i dont hate her because of her disrepect just i say it was childish. As I said before I am anxious and leaning to secure. I never bombed her phone with text etc or begged to her. I said we will move on and we will be happy without each other that is it as any secure person would say. And i shared my story here for other people who is trying to deal with FA or DA. I know how to deal with FA or DA like give space give time dont text her 3-5 days then she will text you bla bla. She dont like psysical touch or holding hands in public. Then why do you call it relationship? FA or DA should have therapy to have a healthy relationship i am saying this. Otherwise if they cant solve this childhood trauma they are gonna have same pattern in their family. Because you cant do anything when your partner is "self-sabotaging" your relationship. My text is for secure or anxious people who are trying to deal with avoidants and i dont think it is because of age. Internet is full of with those stories who are way older and having same pattern for years. Short term relationships, self-sabotaging, hot-cold behavior, pushing away. No thanks just be secure and move on easily. I see here some people who is insisting to stay FA, good luck for them. Have you considered that all those posts that you are referring to are written by insecure individuals who are anxious pre occupied and have done zero work to address their own attachment issues? On this board we advocate looking at your own role in the relationship to move on the journey towards secure. 🙌 Yep! Look, anyone is entitled to feel however they like, it's just that on this board it won't be received quite like you hope if you're in victim or blame mode. At least, not by everyone, and certainly not by those who have been there, done that, with insecure relating. This just isn't the best audience for those not trying to improve and only looking to find fault elsewhere. Maturity and personal responsibility are good things to pursue, not strange ideas or abstract concepts that don't need to be taken seriously. Here you will find a lot of support for getting healthier, evolving your own awareness, and becoming emotionally more mature and therefore more capable of healthy relationships with yourself and others. So, if that's what you're into you're in the right place! Otherwise, it may prove frustrating, triggering, and even painful to receive responses from other members. Best of luck, again! But it takes more than luck.... |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 18, 2022 16:53:46 GMT
I will add this…shared responsibility can be a hard concept…..but when you outsource your feelings, actions and reactions to someone else…you are basically giving your power away….and no wonder why you would be angry. But if you can see her actions/reactions as seperate from your actions/reactions (she is responsible for hers and you are responsible for yours) you then can take back your power. Yes…that does require also owning some mistakes along the way…..but better that they are your mistakes that you can work to address than be the result of someone else causing your mistakes. It isn’t a matter of avoiding avoidants…it is a matter of owning your power to decide what relationship works best for you and move forward…trusting yourself along the way that if things start to look/feel like it is the wrong relationship…you have the ability to leave. That is true power. Lady you're on fire! 🧡😃 |
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Post by annieb on Apr 18, 2022 16:57:15 GMT
It’s quite possible that from her perspective you dated a few times and you certainly weren’t in a relationship. It’s possible that she didn’t have the feelings you had for her. She may or may not be avoidant, but there are also basic things that are not attachment related and maybe they are even simpler than we thing they are. In her mind she was not disrespectful to you, she was just trying to live her life and find somebody she liked. We have all been where you are and it really sucks. It’s sucks to accept that someone snubbed us or didn’t like us as much as we liked them. Or even hoodwinked us with their attachment disorder shenanigans. But if we can come out the other end more centered and accept our share of responsibility we instantly feel better. If I were in your shoes, I would look into why I hung on to a relationship for this long. A relationship that was clearly going nowhere with someone who is not showing signs of a relationship you clearly expect them to give you. Why did you spend all this time in this codependency essentially? What is it that kept you stuck there and what is it that still keeps you blaming her rather than centering and looking back at you. Is it pain, resentment, but where does it come from? Low self esteem answers are all neatly tucked in our childhood trauma. You’re only 25, you’ve got so much life ahead of you and the sooner you start tackling your traumas and seek help and therapy, the sooner you will get back to a fulfilling life. Because if you’re not careful, you can spend years hung up on somebody and denying your true self from thriving. True story unfortunately.
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