Dating for the first time after 8 months.

Well I think that emotion has a place in discussions and I certainly can get emotional too... so I hope you don't feel you have to alter yourself too much and it's more about the skills of communication. There's a lot lacking there for a DA there as you know and being able to be open to the others experience is lacking in both. When I first came here one of my early posts was seeking information about how to communicate better. My style was unintentionally hurtful to him. His style was unintentionally hurtful to me, and we were frustrated with each other and it was a revolving problem. We've since done some learning and making efforts toward better, more helpful and secure communication. There's a ton of great resources on the web about that, we printed some out and went over it together. We still hit some snags now and then but there is much improvement.

I've just posted a link to a video that addresses the inner critic, mine was triggered at Mother's Day as I had a problematic relationship with my mother who was very harshly critical. Take a look, it's a great video and one to return to if you find yourself beating yourself up!

They're not getting disregarded as irrelevant. The anxious person isn't finding adequate resolution to getting their needs met and think there's still a negotiation going on that will improve if they can just find the right way to communicate whatever they're trying to say. So it's a combination of not being connected to themselves enough to feel they're communicating their needs properly in the first place combined with looking for the magic formula for the perfect way to state their needs to change the outcome to one they want.

So handling it may look like saying something that eases the triggered abandonment fear ("even though we're disagreeing about this, people have disagreements and work through them, I'm not going anywhere") while still keeping your own boundary for what you're saying ("that being said, we're at an impasse so let's sleep on this and revisit it once everyone has processed what the other person shared and has had more time to think it through"). Or that may not worth depending on how anxious the person is, but I think it's an approach that both acknowledges the anxious partner while protecting the boundaries of self in a way that de-escalates and promotes working together without co-dependent mind reading. It's not dismissing the conversation or their feelings outright, but it's stopping the looping until a later time you can problem solve more productively. As long as it's actually used for time to process and not as a stalling and avoidance tactic to never finish the conversation or conflict resolution.

And it does lead to possibly accepting that if this happens a lot nothing ever gets solved, the anxious person can't problem solve because they're always abandoning self even after the trigger passed or you simply don't want the same things so the issues keep coming up without solution, then it may not be a compatible match.

I've noticed it a little here on the forum, and at some points with more triggery conflict earlier in my own relationship. Sometimes I think it's about the anxious person being convinced they know the internal workings of the other party, and don't accept input that doesn't support the narrative. So that's where I relate to what sunrisequest said, in my own experience of feeling pressured to justify myself or even defend myself instead of letting my voice be adequate, doing the best I can to offer clarity and then setting a boundary around any circular rehashing as it's counterproductive and frustrating and never leads to anything but further escalation.
I agree that a continued pattern of this without improvement would constitute incompatibility, though. My challenge in it has been to understand what's happening and create my own parameters for it, improving my own communication but having limits and enforcing them, too.
Typically growth can be found on both sides of such a problem if people are self aware enough, and if not then issues like this are just the tip of the iceberg.

sunrisequest I tend to think that what you are describing is insecurity too deep to be in a relationship with (his). Deep insecurity causes people to be unable to access their empathy and they become so self absorbed in their threat response and need to feel safe that they are unable to provide anything like empathy, understanding, or support to their partner. That's what you needed there... I don't see that you needed further adjustments other than to limit the conversation as you said. It seems to me that what you needed was empathy for your pain and fatigue, you needed support and you needed reciprocity for boundaries and respect. The incessant engagement about their needs may seem one way to an unaware AP, but to me, at some point it becomes quite disrespectful, selfish and uncaring. You really deserved better there without having to work so damn hard for it.

Right!  Courtship and dating should be about learning about your potential partner... not just about the fun stuff like what we like to do together, how the sex is, what our backgrounds are, what our plans are.  When I was dating my boyfriend we had all the fun stuff in spades... what I needed to see over time is... how does he respond to my stated (important: STATED) needs? How does he respond to my natural priorities (children, work, my own health routines, etc ).  Those natural priorities and values are also a point of compatibility, and can be discussed but not necessarily negotiated- this is a big area to make sure values align!  And of course, how do we navigate conflict, how much responsibility and self awareness is in myself, in the other person? Is there mutual respect and trust? Are we able to be different without trying to change the other?  There are many deep areas of compatibility that need to be considered.

Its great to know what your personal values and priorities are- the qualities of character and relationship "personality" that you are cultivating in yourself and desire in a partner.  The more you become healthy and emotionally mature and responsible, the LESS you should be compromising in those areas or you will be in an inequitable dynamic parenting an emotionally immature partner who doesn't take responsibility for their own emotional health.  

Humans are complicated and imperfect and there is room for that, however.  We discovered, like many couples, that we weren't as good at handling conflict as we had hoped.  That's where trust, commitment and teamwork come on, but this must be evidenced on BOTH sides.  If a fear abandonment, a fear of engulfment, a fragile ego, unhealthy boundaries and over- or under-dependence play too much a role in the dynamic, it's going to be toxic no matter what you try.  Being secure and healthy as a partner requires that those be tackled individually, prior to entering a committed relationship.  I worked on this over years in various relationships, which ultimately all failed because of the insecurity not yet healed in both partners (like tends to attract like, insecure is attracted to and attracts insecure, generally...).

So there's a growth trajectory in self aware, actively growing people who are putting in the effort to develop relationship skills.  At some point, you can offer and also recognize and embrace heathy, more secure and peaceful dynamics.  And the toxic stuff becomes more obvious and intolerable, in terms of what you will and will not accept for your relationships and well being. 

Oh absolutely do give yourself grace, it's only by walking through these situations that we learn what our limits and real needs are around all that.  For whatever reason, he wasn't making the progress you needed to be healthy and happy in relationship with him, and now you have a clearer sense of where you're at with all that.  It's all such a learning process and you don't know til you know, with some things.  Emotional investment makes it all the more difficult to set limits and know when to fold.  We all hope that what we are investing in will work. And, all insecures have a tendency to accept too much because we aren't clear about boundaries and what's healthy, what's sustainable, what actual progress really looks like. Until we learn the hard way.