Dating for the first time after 8 months.

I agree that being open and feeling heard is a great thing for us dismissive type. It is so hard and so unnatural that when we feel truly accepted we do tend to open up. I have also tried to break people of this "delusional" version of me in a cold hard manner and both will only draw in other insecure people who want to focus on our problems because of this openness and fix us. Hence the AP whom we are a perfect project/distraction for.

What I'm starting to see is that stable people probably have a relationship where they meet the person and because they are stable they can show an appropriate level of attention as well as interact at an appropriate level of depth better.

The way I think of it if you took a square and made a chart with honesty and affection as the two metrics, it would grow from the bottom left corner in a nice straight 45* angle up t the top corner of maximum honesty and affection.

As a dismissive I think we are unaware when people start to show interest, when it gets painfully obvious we notice, then we doubt why so our line is just going straight along the bottom still, then when we are convinced they like us we just open up completely and dump a lot of emotions and our inner problems all at once so our curve just rockets to the top, but the other person hasn't been building theirs up in the normal way so they aren't committed enough at this point(because we didn't grow together properly as a couple) and leave because it becomes too much for them when they haven't developed strong enough bonds to take on that much of our lives at once in the usual build up couples do before they actually open up and put real issues into the open.

Its cheesy but watch some of the online dating stuff, there is a kind of rough framework there.
It was hard for me at first, and because I never knew of attachment theory and there was no good internet anything yet. I kind of learned through being a bit bitter and frustrated, but now I could probably do it more in a healthy manner is just to try to lead all the conversations about more personal stuff.

Redirect questions people ask you, often they open it not to hear about you but talk of themselves. Let them. Ask leading questions to deepen the connection without just dumping on them and not listening.
In essence I found being semi closed off but supportive was what worked best for me and then I would give little bits after I felt we got much closer.

Nicely done! I have an old Toyota I need to do that very job on. Did one in shop class in school but it's been a minute.

It's sad too say but for me because I am such a recluse, but I did have accomplishments in life, that when there is no narrative, that people fill in the blanks with a glorified version of the narrative and hold it in their head when they are attracted too you.
I think everyone does this to an extent, you have a glorified version of her too in some ways.

Because you are self aware, and insecure in some ways, you see these flaws clearly in yourself and can fixate on them to an extent.

I agree that being open and feeling heard is a great thing for us dismissive type. It is so hard and so unnatural that when we feel truly accepted we do tend to open up. I have also tried to break people of this "delusional" version of me in a cold hard manner and both will only draw in other insecure people who want to focus on our problems because of this openness and fix us. Hence the AP whom we are a perfect project/distraction for.

What I'm starting to see is that stable people probably have a relationship where they meet the person and because they are stable they can show an appropriate level of attention as well as interact at an appropriate level of depth better.

The way I think of it if you took a square and made a chart with honesty and affection as the two metrics, it would grow from the bottom left corner in a nice straight 45* angle up t the top corner of maximum honesty and affection.

As a dismissive I think we are unaware when people start to show interest, when it gets painfully obvious we notice, then we doubt why so our line is just going straight along the bottom still, then when we are convinced they like us we just open up completely and dump a lot of emotions and our inner problems all at once so our curve just rockets to the top, but the other person hasn't been building theirs up in the normal way so they aren't committed enough at this point(because we didn't grow together properly as a couple) and leave because it becomes too much for them when they haven't developed strong enough bonds to take on that much of our lives at once in the usual build up couples do before they actually open up and put real issues into the open.

In my mind travel makes you strong in a different way. It forces you to learn all the versions of yourself you can be. To adapt and meet new people and challenges. To rely on yourself and trust yourself.

The thing I do think is a negative for us dismissive is we do need to build accountability, to be able to compromise and learn compassion for life. It messy and I think the more I am in longer relationships the more I learned that it is always a game of give and take. It's learning the social ques of this dance and finding a partner who moves in a similar fashion.

Its cheesy but watch some of the online dating stuff, there is a kind of rough framework there.
It was hard for me at first, and because I never knew of attachment theory and there was no good internet anything yet. I kind of learned through being a bit bitter and frustrated, but now I could probably do it more in a healthy manner is just to try to lead all the conversations about more personal stuff.

Redirect questions people ask you, often they open it not to hear about you but talk of themselves. Let them. Ask leading questions to deepen the connection without just dumping on them and not listening.
In essence I found being semi closed off but supportive was what worked best for me and then I would give little bits after I felt we got much closer.

Best of luck I know we are still different people and every interaction is different but I still feel that as a more logic forward person when I went in emotionally I was all in and messy and got hurt.
When I learned to apply some logic a realized how
1 my guard and obliviousness led to some distrust in women
2 my all in dumping during early times not only was a shock and overwhelming and drive off stable people. It also stopped me from getting to know the real them as there was no back and forth. So I had a glorified version of them and they had all my worst and felt unheard. Then I was hurt that they left after I was open but I never let them be as open (or they shut down when you dump too much)
3 the people that stay through the early dumping are also insecure and are relieved to not share and focus on you

I see now how that cycle has hurt me in the past but I got much better at listening and trying to balance my sharing to be less than the women. They do care about us but if you look at programing they want to feel protected, heard and supported so if you are more vulnerable that them or seem to require a mom they will withdrawal in my experience.

Use the forum to open up if you can't commit to therapy yet, I find the ideas posted here to be very helpful. Plus the balance of men women at different levels of secure etc helps and could offer other views.

Hope you have a great day sorgin sending positive thought your way

Thank you so much:). It feels so good to be supported and understood. It's great I am at this point of my life where I am starting to adress my insecure self and separate it from my true self. I never thought I would be in possition to even think of understanding me. I'll definetely have a look at Brene Brown. I am looking forward to reading "From surviving to thriving" but to be honest with you, I lost it somewhere more than a week ago and it just volatilized, I will have to get it in kindle version haha