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Post by sunrisequest on Apr 24, 2022 10:13:46 GMT
As I write this, I'm not sure that I need a whole lot of advice, but just wanted to come on anyway and thank all of you for all of the posts on this forum that have helped to bring clarity to my mind in the last week.
I broke up with an FA partner about 4 weeks ago. We were together for 9 months. We had a dynamite beginning, an incredible connection. This has never happened to me before and I had never heard of lovebombing so was totally clueless about how the speed of our initial connection was a huge red flag. I had done a lot of work on myself but I was still in a vulnerable place at the time I met him. I thought I'd met my soulmate, couldn't believe my luck!!! He said so many times during our time together that he had found his person, talked about marriage etc... lots of talk about the future.
I did pick his insecure attachment within the first few dates. I thought he was AP. As time progressed, I felt this even more and could see that it was significant for him, as he was super clingy, wanting to nail down the future immediately, wanted to tell me constantly how he felt, and got quite upset if I couldn't see him because of work etc. I am AP but due to all the work I'd done, was sitting more secure in the way I was showing up. I knew quite a bit about AP and DA attachment (because that's all I'd experienced in the past) but for some reason had never bothered to educate myself on FA. Whoops!! I thought that because I had insight into AP, I could deal with his insecurity with compassion, thinking of how I like to be treated if I feel insecure. That was my strategy anyway.
Every month or so, we'd have a fairly big blow out - it was usually triggered by me either being sick, or having had a really difficult day and showing up to meet him being less than 100%. I would always take care to explain my low mood as soon as I saw him, but because he has big trust issues, he always thought it was because I was upset with him and just wasn't telling him the truth. He would sabotage and try and pick a fight, and then eventually when I would react with even the mildest frustration, he would say that obviously we aren't working and then go into full avoidance mode, which completely confused me as I thought he was AP and knew this wasn't typical.
He was also highly triggered by my direct and open way of communicating and would find it hard when I expressed an opposing view to his (even though I have a pretty gentle and respectful way of expressing... I think!), I've also figured out how to set boundaries pretty well, and that was super hard for him and he often felt my boundaries were a criticism or direct rejection.
We probably cycled through about 6 or 7 instances where he'd sabotage, threaten to leave, and then change his mind... he always apologised afterwards and took full responsibility each time, talked about how he planned to change it for the better... and I always forgave. but one day he finished everything out of the blue on a text message after a slightly difficult conversation. He then changed his mind and spent the next couple of weeks persuading me we should try again. He said he was so grateful for my patience, he was just scared to let my love in because it required him to look at himself more than felt comfortable. I understood and finally agreed to try again. But he went AWOL the very next day. Spent three weeks being completely distant, saying he needed space for himself to sort some stuff out - I thought he was having a mental health crisis (he has some issues I know about) and was super supportive and gave him space but checked in every now and then. He finally called day on it, with the strangest reasons that I know are not the truth. All blaming me. I could see he had completely disassociated by that point and seemed angry with me if anything. He unfollowed immediately from socials. The end.
The reason I stuck around for so long is because he was seeking therapy and in his vulnerable moments he talked about being sick of creating hurt, finally finding someone who made him want to change, talked about the fear he felt of hurting people, hurting me, scared of being rejected and hurt... and I have SO much compassion for him. But I have to say this experience has cracked me open wide. I loved him deeply, and I wanted to it work so much. It's been super hard to look at the ways that I contributed to all of this... 50 pages of journalling helped me to distill some major lessons - I was addicted to the thrill of feeling as fully seen and loved and accepted as I did in that first month (and each time after we'd come back together after a drama). It was filling a HUGE void inside of me. And the rejection each time he withdrew was triggering the deepest wounds. The thrill and the terror, when they'd come intermittently, absolutely worked like a drug on me.
I've learned I need to give myself the levels of love and acceptance that I was so deeply craving from him (and most likely my parents)... and I now know what lovebombing is and how unhealthy it is, and I also know I need to call day before allowing so many rounds of the same thing to continue. But also, things about him that really attracted me have made me realise the fact I was so attracted to those parts of him mean I need to integrate them into my own life more - playing music, giving back to the community etc... I'm always going to be grateful for this experience.
I haven't been in touch with him since we finished. It's been super hard and I don't actually think I've got to the point yet where I'd be strong enough turn him away if he came back and said all of the right words once again. But reading all of your posts have definitely helped to strengthen my resolve, and I just want to thank you all for that. x
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rykus9
Junior Member
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Post by rykus9 on Apr 24, 2022 16:04:00 GMT
Welcome to the forum. Sounds like you are making a lot of progress in yourself and that this is the first major challenge.
It is hard and I am sending love and positive thoughts your way, and I feel there are many here that are on that same journey and could offer you better advice than I am able.
I find the posting helps me, please continue if it's any relief at all. We all need a bit of help at some points!
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Post by tnr9 on Apr 24, 2022 16:56:04 GMT
Hi and welcome…..as an AP leaning FA, I temped to pick avoidant leaning FAs so I don’t have an experience similiar to yours…but I know this can certainly happen due to the nervous system going a bit haywire. I do remember several times I thought about breaking up because I was afraid that B was going to or had dumped me. I think it is good that you have processed this relationship fully and have determined that you need to continue no contact.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 24, 2022 19:36:26 GMT
Hi sunrisequest, There are many elements of your experience I can relate to in the dynamic with an anxious partner (Or the anxious side of an FA partner). Having done quite a bit of work on my own side of the dynamic, and coming from the DA side toward much more secure in my relationship, I can also really relate to the lessons you've learned. The initial period does trigger a very poignant and touching feeling of being "seen" and understood, and that is something that attracted me to unhealthy insecure dynamics too- it was my own overwhelming need to be seen that clicked with someone who was overly engrossed in me (and saving me actually) rather than taking care of their own need to rescue, fix, and avoid themselves. So the dance begins. Like you I learned through the pain of being met without empathy on a bad day, that I needed more to empathize with myself, know my limits and know when I needed to encounter loving, secure support rather than insecure support from an unhealthy partner. I learned the difference, and found ways to meet that need by creating boundaries, and turning toward relationships that were healthier in my life. I began to cultivate health for myself and my dynamic by finding ways to meet my needs in healthy ways. By experiencing the backlash of not meeting the anxious partners expectations, I learned how I hurt myself by not allowing myself to feel, not allowing myself to be connected even if feeling flawed, my expectations of myself ignored my own needs just as much as an anxious partner ignored my needs. Before awareness, I had to try super hard to be a good person and to prove myself. That's exactly what anxious person demands- be a good partner to me, and prove it constantly. So it turns out , an anxious partner is my nightmare projection, the embodiment of my own inner critic. Your feelings don't matter. Your exhaustion doesn't matter. You are insufficient. You have a bad day? You're not a good person. Not able to show up 100%? You have failed everyone. These are the words of the AP to me, and the words of my harsh inner critic. So like anyone that I press to look at themselves and where they are creating and enabling this dynamic, I have done that introspection and transformed those negative internal messages, developed self love and self compassion, learned what the difference between healthy connection and insecure connection is, and embraced the former while letting go of the latter. This experience will truly help launch you into a better relationship, with yourself and with anyone you attempt to create a loving relationship with. As you know , the back and forth of the insecure dynamic, the sheer insult and abandonment of it, doesn't work for you. You can choose it out of your life, and you can change and develop your own capacities toward healthy relating. Love doesn't have to hurt so much! That's the huge lesson for me. I've grown by understanding myself, what my healthy needs and aspirations are, and putting those things at the forefront of my awareness. This is not selfish, because my healthy needs lead me toward connection, not away. My healthy needs create empathy in me- if I understand myself as a human who needs and wants to give love, I can understand my partner from that perspective also. Being healthy changes the landscape completely, from one-up one-down, to equality and partnership. Welcome to the board, I'm glad that it's been helpful to you in your process. I hope that things continue to be revealed to you that will liberate you and encourage you, even while you deal with the pain and loss of this toxic relationship. |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 24, 2022 19:53:05 GMT
Something else you touched on- if you disagreed or expressed an alternate or opposing view, it triggering a blowout with the partner. This was a message I had to overcome, the message that "Introvert, your voice is ugly! If you express yourself in ways that I do not like it that trigger me, you are an aggressor!". The inability of an insecure person to be challenged is a doozy, and it takes trusting yourself, building your communication styles, and actually accepting your own fallibility so that you don't need to defend so hard against the idea of being wrong, or being fallible. When you can embrace your own balanced way of being, when you can understand that disagreement isn't a personal attack, or that boundaries aren't a statement of anybody's worth but your own... then you can be free from being sucked into this victim/perpetrator dynamic. It seems that you have been learning this, but J wanted to just relate to that point specifically as well. You don't have to own someone else's triggers. If there is a misunderstanding, it doesn't mean you need to be punished or invalidated. Secure people can be challenged as still stay steady, can assert without attacking, can accept differences and still maintain their own integrity. The opposite is true of insecures. One thing I have found strikingly refreshing is the ability to challenge narratives, make boundaries, and disagree, amongst healthier people. Healthy dynamics welcome these functions of autonomy.
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Post by sunrisequest on Apr 24, 2022 21:47:09 GMT
Hi and welcome…..as an AP leaning FA, I temped to pick avoidant leaning FAs so I don’t have an experience similiar to yours…but I know this can certainly happen due to the nervous system going a bit haywire. I do remember several times I thought about breaking up because I was afraid that B was going to or had dumped me. I think it is good that you have processed this relationship fully and have determined that you need to continue no contact. Thank you TNR9 - I did actually track back and read your story, I identified with plenty of parts of it (especially your huge learning that no contact is the best course and not going back on it even for friendship), even though the attachment dynamics were different. Yes, he did say this many times as explanation for his threats to leave... said he was suggesting to end things because he didn't want to get to the point where I would just get sick of him and finish it. Sometimes he wanted to see if I would fight for it. But I never would... I would just wait for him to make a decision, but inside it was killing me! I have a less than healthy tendency towards taking more than my fair share when it comes to fixing conflict. |
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Post by sunrisequest on Apr 24, 2022 22:28:30 GMT
Before awareness, I had to try super hard to be a good person and to prove myself. That's exactly what anxious person demands- be a good partner to me, and prove it constantly. So it turns out , an anxious partner is my nightmare projection, the embodiment of my own inner critic. Your feelings don't matter. Your exhaustion doesn't matter. You are insufficient. You have a bad day? You're not a good person. Not able to show up 100%? You have failed everyone. These are the words of the AP to me, and the words of my harsh inner critic. Thank you so much for the thoughts Introverttemporary. So much of what you wrote has been my direct learning too. I think I'm at the point where I have a lot of awareness around relational dynamics and how they end up that way. And I also know how to express my needs and boundaries within the relationship, and to talk about where I saw an unhealthy pattern forming between us, and to open up discussion where we could potentially change it... but what I don't do so well is to enforce my boundaries by walking away from someone who simply cannot meet them. I continue the discussion, try and find ways to help them meet my needs, see how I can express better, over-give of my energy, allow the same mistakes to repeat again and again and again... trying to prove what a good and patient partner I was, as you describe above. It's interesting that he made me feel so deeply seen and understood to begin with, welcoming any feelings I had with open arms, but not very much later it turned to, 'I wonder if you're too sensitive', 'You're too deep', 'why can't you just pretend you're okay when you're sad like I do' etc. To begin with I'd say, well, I have taken years to accept my emotionality, my depth, my sensitivity, and it's not something I want to change about myself, I want to be able to show who I really am to you. But after a while of this, I felt my insecurity creeping in... shame that I wasn't enough, that I was too much, blah blah. I appreciate that what was actually happening was that his own emotionality, intensity and depth were parts of himself that he hadn't yet accepted (but I actually loved those parts of him) and so he was actively rejecting them in me as a projection. The mirror of anxious vs anxious is CRAZY! Before this, I was in an almost 20-year relationship with a DA. It was in the most part a positive and loving relationship (and still is as we co-parent) and I learned a lot from this relationship. But I felt very lonely and unsupported for a very long time and made the same mistakes of trying to fix it by fixing myself. I also have some other challenges in my life that mean that I sometimes have days where I literally have nothing left in the tank at the end of the day and I need a minute to put myself back together again. I have learned that I need a partner who will sit next to me if I've had a tough day and not feel the need to fix me or be afraid of any emotion that I express. The idea that I deserve support and acceptance from a partner is something I need to back myself on, because that's what healthy secure relationships with interdependence are all about. But first I need to give those things to myself so it's not so much of a desperate need. |
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Post by sunrisequest on Apr 24, 2022 22:48:09 GMT
Something else you touched on- if you disagreed or expressed an alternate or opposing view, it triggering a blowout with the partner. This was a message I had to overcome, the message that "Introvert, your voice is ugly! If you express yourself in ways that I do not like it that trigger me, you are an aggressor!". The inability of an insecure person to be challenged is a doozy, and it takes trusting yourself, building your communication styles, and actually accepting your own fallibility so that you don't need to defend so hard against the idea of being wrong, or being fallible. When you can embrace your own balanced way of being, when you can understand that disagreement isn't a personal attack, or that boundaries aren't a statement of anybody's worth but your own... then you can be free from being sucked into this victim/perpetrator dynamic. It seems that you have been learning this, but J wanted to just relate to that point specifically as well. You don't have to own someone else's triggers. If there is a misunderstanding, it doesn't mean you need to be punished or invalidated. Secure people can be challenged as still stay steady, can assert without attacking, can accept differences and still maintain their own integrity. The opposite is true of insecures. One thing I have found strikingly refreshing is the ability to challenge narratives, make boundaries, and disagree, amongst healthier people. Healthy dynamics welcome these functions of autonomy. Yes, coming back to this - agree so much. Weirdly, what would happen in situations where I expressed my opinion assertively or if it was different to his, he would just go quiet and then withdraw and go cold and distant for a few days, or even up to a week... it triggered his avoidant side. And honestly, none of these conversations were even misunderstandings, they were about banal every-day life things. So I felt I was being punished with the very thing that triggers me the most - being abandoned just for being me. But yet again, it was more about the fact that he didn't have the skills to speak up assertively himself, or the ability to just leave his opinion there in the discussion, separate to mine... because we are separate people. I think that's a co-dependency thing. All in all, I loved what you said about choosing not to be in a back and forth unhealthy dynamic because it doesn't work for me, and that love doesn't have to hurt so much. It's really the punch line isn't it. I knew this all along of course, but still didn't have the courage to walk away, so this is where at least some of the work lies for me, I think. I'm glad your journey has brought you to a place where you feel you've learned all of this already - thank you for sharing your insights! |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 25, 2022 14:56:16 GMT
Before awareness, I had to try super hard to be a good person and to prove myself. That's exactly what anxious person demands- be a good partner to me, and prove it constantly. So it turns out , an anxious partner is my nightmare projection, the embodiment of my own inner critic. Your feelings don't matter. Your exhaustion doesn't matter. You are insufficient. You have a bad day? You're not a good person. Not able to show up 100%? You have failed everyone. These are the words of the AP to me, and the words of my harsh inner critic. Thank you so much for the thoughts Introverttemporary. So much of what you wrote has been my direct learning too. I think I'm at the point where I have a lot of awareness around relational dynamics and how they end up that way. And I also know how to express my needs and boundaries within the relationship, and to talk about where I saw an unhealthy pattern forming between us, and to open up discussion where we could potentially change it... but what I don't do so well is to enforce my boundaries by walking away from someone who simply cannot meet them. I continue the discussion, try and find ways to help them meet my needs, see how I can express better, over-give of my energy, allow the same mistakes to repeat again and again and again... trying to prove what a good and patient partner I was, as you describe above. It's interesting that he made me feel so deeply seen and understood to begin with, welcoming any feelings I had with open arms, but not very much later it turned to, 'I wonder if you're too sensitive', 'You're too deep', 'why can't you just pretend you're okay when you're sad like I do' etc. To begin with I'd say, well, I have taken years to accept my emotionality, my depth, my sensitivity, and it's not something I want to change about myself, I want to be able to show who I really am to you. But after a while of this, I felt my insecurity creeping in... shame that I wasn't enough, that I was too much, blah blah. I appreciate that what was actually happening was that his own emotionality, intensity and depth were parts of himself that he hadn't yet accepted (but I actually loved those parts of him) and so he was actively rejecting them in me as a projection. The mirror of anxious vs anxious is CRAZY! Before this, I was in an almost 20-year relationship with a DA. It was in the most part a positive and loving relationship (and still is as we co-parent) and I learned a lot from this relationship. But I felt very lonely and unsupported for a very long time and made the same mistakes of trying to fix it by fixing myself. I also have some other challenges in my life that mean that I sometimes have days where I literally have nothing left in the tank at the end of the day and I need a minute to put myself back together again. I have learned that I need a partner who will sit next to me if I've had a tough day and not feel the need to fix me or be afraid of any emotion that I express. The idea that I deserve support and acceptance from a partner is something I need to back myself on, because that's what healthy secure relationships with interdependence are all about. But first I need to give those things to myself so it's not so much of a desperate need. You DO deserve support and acceptance from a partner, I can back you on that too! |
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Post by sunrisequest on Apr 27, 2022 11:32:43 GMT
Gahhh.... I am pretty sure that my ex has already moved on with someone else... and in fact, from what I have pieced together, he met her the week before he broke things off with me. So, most likely, that's the reason he broke it off with me. He was already in a state of withdrawal before he broke it off, but was still telling me he loved me and missed me, and it was hard to not see me but he needed time to get on top of some things etc. Then the actual breakup came seemingly out of nowhere. I guess now I know why he was so cold and gave all those strange reasons. He never had the guts to tell me the truth that he had met someone else.
On the day we broke up, he restricted me on his social media but first he posted a picture of himself and this girl. He just posted it with a heart and no other caption... I thought at the time, why the heck would you post a picture of yourself and another woman literally a few hours after you break up with someone.. but he's used social media to get at me before, posting songs with meanings for me - sometimes loving things to try and get me back after he'd gone through a withdrawal stage, sometimes awful songs if he was upset. So I figured he was just trying to get at me and make me feel jealous? As I type all this, I realise just how toxic his behaviour was at times.
Anyway, now I know that he's visiting this same woman for the second weekend in a month (she lives quite far away)... the first visit was a week after we broke up. How can you honestly do that just hours after breaking up with someone you said you loved and wanted to spend the rest of your life with? Feeling really devastated and disrespected today.
I know this doesn't change the outcome, but it's just a shock, and makes me feel like it was all a sham. Like his words meant absolutely nothing.
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Post by anne12 on Apr 27, 2022 12:23:08 GMT
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sorgin
Junior Member
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Post by sorgin on Apr 27, 2022 12:38:12 GMT
Gahhh.... I am pretty sure that my ex has already moved on with someone else... and in fact, from what I have pieced together, he met her the week before he broke things off with me. So, most likely, that's the reason he broke it off with me. He was already in a state of withdrawal before he broke it off, but was still telling me he loved me and missed me, and it was hard to not see me but he needed time to get on top of some things etc. Then the actual breakup came seemingly out of nowhere. I guess now I know why he was so cold and gave all those strange reasons. He never had the guts to tell me the truth that he had met someone else. On the day we broke up, he restricted me on his social media but first he posted a picture of himself and this girl. He just posted it with a heart and no other caption... I thought at the time, why the heck would you post a picture of yourself and another woman literally a few hours after you break up with someone.. but he's used social media to get at me before, posting songs with meanings for me - sometimes loving things to try and get me back after he'd gone through a withdrawal stage, sometimes awful songs if he was upset. So I figured he was just trying to get at me and make me feel jealous? As I type all this, I realise just how toxic his behaviour was at times. Anyway, now I know that he's visiting this same woman for the second weekend in a month (she lives quite far away)... the first visit was a week after we broke up. How can you honestly do that just hours after breaking up with someone you said you loved and wanted to spend the rest of your life with? Feeling really devastated and disrespected today. I know this doesn't change the outcome, but it's just a shock, and makes me feel like it was all a sham. Like his words meant absolutely nothing. I am sorry you had to watch this. Try not to take it personal. He thinks this time will be different but it won't. Hopefully he won't reach out so you can keep taking care of yourself and working on your own issues without being molested. Looks like you're doing it pretty wells so far. |
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Post by sunrisequest on Apr 27, 2022 12:54:21 GMT
I am sorry you had to watch this. Try not to take it personal. He thinks this time will be different but it won't. Hopefully he won't reach out so you can keep taking care of yourself and working on your own issues without being molested. Looks like you're doing it pretty wells so far. Thank you... Have got this (probably misguided) hope that this knowledge will push me further into the process of accepting that this is all definitely, definitely over this time and help me to move on. Just now it feels like a major set-back in my healing, and I'm actually just really angry and hurt, but as with all the emotions, I know it'll eventually pass. Whether it works or not with this new person is something I'm going to have to find a way to not put energy into... the truth is it might work, and I need to not make that a reflection of me. He's a good guy wrapped up with some very unhealthy layers... but a certain type of person might be able to ignore the layers and work with him exactly as he is. That's up to them to figure out. His relationships have got nothing to do with me now. The disrespect of posting about her hours after breaking up with me and knowing I would see it is just insane... and the fact that I can now see that he was gaslighting me in his reasons for breaking up, as he really tried to blame it all on me. Those things are what I feel angry about. |
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sorgin
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Post by sorgin on Apr 27, 2022 12:55:57 GMT
Also feeling that you've been lied to such an extent is painful and I am sorry you feel that way. Betrayal is such a trigger to me that that I've never dared to do something like that to anyone, even though I have done pretty insecure stuff like silent treatment and ghosting among many others. Who knows what he hell he was thinking about. Try not to take it personal, you are on the right path and deserve better relationships. Hopefully we will adress his issues one day and put himself into the right track of healing.
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Post by sunrisequest on Apr 27, 2022 12:57:29 GMT
Thank you Annie, I'll take a look at these. I do practice a few somatic exercises as a general thing, plus I journal and meditate and a few other grounding techniques. Feel lucky that I have them!! They definitely do help. |
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