First and maybe last post... let's see

Thank you for your replies Sorgin. Gratefully accepted the hugs and the kind words.

Yeah, I'll allow myself to feel the anger for a little while. I actually think that will be good for me as I'm tired of my brain going to a place where I make excuses for him. He messed me around and treated me badly and betrayed my trust... I deserve better than that.

I'm so sorry you are having to deal with this sunrisequest on top of what you were already processing. As if the break up was not enough! It's all coming at you at once which may feel like some kind of break in the future in terms of concentrating the pain to its absolute limits. I don't know what else to say other than I wish you didn't have to endure this and sometimes the only thing you can do is lean in to all the feelings, including anger as others have recommended. And if there ever was a time to be kind to yourself, this is it.

Thank you… he he that made me smile. Yes perhaps that’s what I should do.

Thanks for your thoughts Rykus9! I really hope this is the case and I’ll attract someone more secure next time.

No, we weren’t long distance, we lived close to each other and I was readily available in all the ways. The fact he is FA leaning more anxious means that he chased very hard to begin with, he was talking about moving in within the first month etc… always wanting to talk about the future, marriage etc, even before we really knew each other properly. I had to slow it down quite a lot at various stages (which made him feel very insecure and upset), but the more committed I became as time went on, the more he’d pull back and freak out.

He said that he’d done that in the past relationships too and was trying to change it. So I’m guessing if he follows the same pattern, he’ll be trying to find a way to live with her asap… and then drama will follow in a different way. But who knows???

if he chooses someone more avoidant (which is more typical for his attachment rather than someone like me who is more AP) then he may get along better with that vibe. He even mused on that one day, that his options were to stay with me and find a way to deal with all of his crap (cos I was acting like a mirror to him plus holding him to account) or find someone else who would just put up with his crap. Sounds like he decided to go for the latter.

Either way, that shouldn’t matter to me now… the learnings for me here are plenty. The red flags have stacked up all along the way and I made excuses for them. My own anxious tendencies flared massively towards the very end and after he kept threatening to leave so frequently… so now I see where my own insecurity still needs some healing.

Aww, yep, you hit the nail on the head!!!! Thanks so much for checking in deanna I really appreciate that.

Yes, am doing all I can to process in a healthy way, but the truth is my nervous system is completely wired and I've been feeling quite fragile the last few days. Moving between journalling, meditating, calling my mum (who is amazing at just listening and validating) and catching up with friends. Feeling a healthy dose of shock still and my heart does feel very sore - I think mainly it's the breach of trust, and the disrespect that I just didn't expect from him. I'm not used to this type of behaviour from people who say they love me.

I had a really difficult experience quite a few years ago with an abusive family member (my ex husband's family), which went on for quite a long time. I ended up experiencing some pretty major PTSD symptoms for a good year. My nervous system feels this week like it did for that entire year... so yeah, I'm struggling a bit. But trying to keep breathing and remembering that I have so many more tools to deal with anxiety and stress than I did then.

I have been thinking a bit about the reason my ex would have posted a pic of himself and this girl a few hours after we broke up... it feels like such a toxic move on his behalf, but it occurred to me that he may have been feeling the need to persuade himself and his new love that he had moved on and that I was nothing to him... when the reality was he was telling me that he loved me and missed me only a couple of days before he met her. I doubt it would go down so well with his new lady if she knew the truth. It also explains the cold and harsh breakup call where he basically re-wrote the history of our relationship. I thought he had disassociated because of his attachment fear, but it seems more likely he was trying to persuade himself that he didn't feel that much love for me anyway. I don't buy it. I know that he did really love me. I could feel it.

Far out, it's a process this breakup grief, isn't it?!?!

Yes, I'm an Aussie too! deanna Although none of my family live here sadly.

Thank you so much, your kind words are like a balm in a shitty week. I feel relaxed and calm in this moment, and so I'm just appreciating that for what it is. I'm sure those moments will come more frequently. I know from your posts you're a music lover too, lots of that going on here to help try and shift the energy... although there was a few terrible days where I was playing Taylor Swift on repeat. I can't even stand her music. That was a low point!!! Ha ha.

Hmmmmm.... I heard from my ex this week. First time since we broke up (except for when he came to collect his things one day). It was just a couple of messages, about something very benign that he didn't really need to message me about at all. Then he said 'I'm in his thoughts' so he thought he'd check in, so I think that was the real reason for his message. And when I responded and said I guess that's how breakups go, thoughts don't necessarily go away straight away, he emphatically responded that no they definitely don't. I didn't respond beyond that but his messages really unsettled me.

After the way things ended, I didn't expect to hear from him at all. It's been almost two months and I'm quite sure (but not certain) he's been in a relationship with the girl he crossed over with for that time. So it's possible they've hit a stumbling block and this is his way of dealing with it. Or it could have been motivated by something else - maybe his ego needing to try and figure out if I still care, or some guilt surfacing for the way he treated me.

I luckily had a counselling session already booked in so I feel like I've been able to steady my resolve to not even slightly entertain letting him back into my life. Not that he's trying at the moment, but if it happens again, I know I'll have to make a boundary and ask him not to contact me again... he doesn't even know that I'm aware of the fact he crossed over to another relationship when he was still technically with me, and I have no intention of discussing any of the past with him now, I see that as being a futile exercise. But I did want to keep things somewhat amicable because we do live in the same community and do have some mutual friends.

It's just annoying.