FA overly critical about me?

Oh my god this book is amazing. We are Tim and Sarah. I've sent it to him but he's not very interested in reading psychology things. Oh well, at least if we break up I can learn a lot.

Hi! Welcome back, and I'm sorry things are trending back down with him at the moment.

Mostly I wanted to point out something I'm seeing here: you're not making him feel any way. He is an adult and his own person and feels how he feels. It is your responsibility to be respectful of him, but his to manage his feelings. If you're both looking at this as you MAKE him feel a certain way, then that is the unhealthy codependency taking root.

You also said: "The thing is that we're constantly fighting because every misstep I make in the way he feels like I am not doing enough and I am always going to be the same. I've messed up some important days for him (I was tired at a concert he loved and he knew I was not having the greatest time, and he started a new job and he felt I neglected his archievement because I was working) It's like he never sees the changes I am making, or he wants them faster that I can deliver. I honestly want to work it out with him, but I am feeling very pressured and I hate to feel like that. It's like he thinks I am making excuses while I think I am doing my best and feeling good about myself."

When you were tired at the concert, how did that work out? Did you want to go home and either tell him that or passively indicate it? Did you truly not mind waiting it out while he enjoyed it, even though you weren't feeling well, and tell him that? I'm trying to figure out if he's making assumptions about how you feel, and how you're both communicating.

For example, if you told him you didn't feel well but were okay to stay, and you meant that, did he believe you? Or did he assume you weren't saying what you meant and he felt bad the entire time and then left early? I'm asking because my FA ex used to do this to me. If I didn't enjoy somewhere we were that he wanted to be or I wasn't feeling well but I was okay with hanging out for a bit and entertaining myself so he could have fun, he'd get hypervigilant and kind of not believe me saying I'd be fine? And then he'd stay and do what he wanted and feel bad I wasn't feeling great about whatever we were doing, but it would end up only manifesting as his resentment towards me.

This really had nothing to do with me. It was him acting out his childhood dynamics with people who were passive aggressive about similar situations (they'd have played the martyr about staying), having blurry boundaries with him (the hypervigilance), and his FA fear of engulfment overwhelming him. Of course, understanding that was not helpful because he didn't want to go deeper than surface level, and the easiest answer in that case was I must be "making him feel that way." But if your boyfriend is still interested in growth, then the growth for him here is figuring out why he's not taking you at your word, and as already mentioned, why he can't properly separate your needs and emotions from his. In my case, my ex had zero interest in growth, awareness, or change, so we couldn't resolve anything and it didn't work out. If your boyfriend is still in it and will agree to couples counseling, this is where I'd start.

And it's not blaming him, your side of this would be exploring if you're communicating your needs directly and consistently or are you being passive aggressive. Also, are you trying to rely too much on what he wants you to do instead of what you want to do for yourself? It sounds like taking his advice about working less, hobbies more, etc. was good and kicked off you working through things for yourself in a direction you wanted to be in. You weren't just doing it for him. But now that you did those things and have switched to taking your own advice for what you need and want to do next, since it sounds like you're feeling better and better, is he resentful that he's being left behind? Or that he's not in control?

What may be happening here, in regards to feeling like you're growing apart, is sure, you may have been getting depressed and he's helped point that out so you got back on track. But once on track, maybe one or both of you is trying to grow out of codependency in certain areas, and the other is resisting? Or it's also possible that you're growing apart as you're changing during the pandemic, but that doesn't mean you misjudged your compatibility earlier on.

If he's willing to acknowledge his role here and go back to couples therapy, there's definitely space for you both to explore. If he is "done" and doesn't want to work through this with you, there won't be much you can do. But since you've worked through your issues together before, I hope he gives it a chance to try again!

Oh wow, lilyg, I'm really sorry to read how controlling he is of your activities and your time! This sounds very unhealthy to me. You absolutely have every right to spend your time how you like. Trying to control what you do, how long you are gone, etc... that is abusive in my opinion. Becoming furious over breakfast when you are working, too. This sounds serious to me, how toxic his behavior is. You should have autonomy, freedom, and peace in a relationship. Has he always been this way?

As an update, I told him to read the book Hold me tight, as there's a couple going through the same but he just got angry telling me I think reading books and going to therapy is the solution to everything. Of course I don't act like it but he's still very hang up on the idea that I'm not doing absolutely anything and that it's all my fault, that I killed the relationship and his happiness. I think he's being very unfair. He's very set in that I'm exactly the same and I haven't done anything, which worries me. I feel very controled and not heard. I've tried talking about understanding I have things to change but told him to let me do my own thing in my personal life and of course, held me accountable on the relationship connection, spending time together, being there for him... I told him I felt like he feels responsible for my feelings and like I feel I am responsible for his feelings and while he's very angry, I hope he can mature that thought later on.

He wants to talk and feel heard. He wants me to take action on myself. I can agree on that, but he still blames me for everything. And while I understand what he needs and I know what I did to make this happen, I am very worried about his attitude right now. I don't want to be held responsible for everything always, or that he keeps being controlling. I don't know if it's a matter that he processes his feelings or this is as good as it gets. I don't want to feel small or like I have to take everything in my hands everytime we hit a rough patch.

He got very angry when I told him I felt controlled and he told me we were done, that I was selfish and how could I tell him that. I told him ok but he just kept going. Finally I told him that I was going to work on myself anyway and that I wanted to do what he needed from me, but that I wanted us to be a team and not be one versus de other. I asked him if he felt like I understood what he wanted to say me and how he felt and he said he did. I do not feel heard, though. I think right now he is not able to see me because he is really activated right now. But if he cannot do it when he regulates... I don't want to be in a relationship like that.

I feel like everytime we have a real problem, he just goes into the 'I don't know what I want to do right now' and it is starting to emotionally exhaust me. I think it's why I am not crying and begging.

At least I feel like I'll be fine whatever happens. I am very excited to feel like myself again and regain my self-esteem. I can do it.

Sorry for spamming I needed to get it out of my system.

He says therapy is not the solution and got very angry at me trying to send him information to think together. I know that what's important should be worked in an objective way. I was just trying to start a conversation and a middle ground but for him I'm just trying to not accept is my fault and do the things I have to do. So no, sadly it won't help.

He says he is happy with everything but me.

I have been drawing and writing and connecting with friends. I do feel much happier and myself he says I have done it just a few times and thinking that therapy and reading books and writing in my diary is going to help but it won't.

Thank you so much for this. I feel very moved by all the help you're offering. I honeslty don't understand, I think he's really angry and in a very unhealthy loop. He has never been like this and always supported me before when doing all of this. I don't know if he's really hurting and angry, desperate or if he has always thought like this and now he's just over it all. Right now I feel so small and judged. I agree is not healthy and not where I want to be ever in my life. 

Yes I am preparing for it, emotionally mostly. I knew we were on a rough patch but this... I didn't expect this. I have always felt he had my back. He was my person, you know? We have a dog together and we are living together, so we will have to think about logistics, but I'm not that worried about it. I have change so many times my living arrangements and my life, I'm used to it.