FA overly critical about me?

Hi lilyg ….so glad to hear from you!!!  I am glad to read you are doing better…..Covid really did a number on all of us. As to your boyfriend….to me it sounds like he has some boundary issues…which could explain why he isn’t seeing the positive changes you are making and only focusing on when you “let him down”.  What I mean by a boundary issue is that he sounds like he doesn’t perceive you as “separate” from him, but instead sees you as an extension.  I had the same issue (and I am an FA) and it comes from having a childhood where a parent or parents also did not see the child as “separate”….so boundaries become blurred.  It is really tough to see it when that is what you are used to.  A couple of suggestions….have an agreement to only speak to each other using “I” terms…as in I feel this because….that is one way to get him back inside of his own body so to speak.  Another thing is to express your own boundary……you are not responsible for his happiness etc.  He can be disappointed in your actions…but not disappointed in “you”…because you are a separate person from him and thus you are not responsible for him.  If he is open to it….I would recommend some somatic experiencing therapy.  That was a real game changer for me.

Hi lilyg , he could be depressed or struggling with something physiological. The pandemic threw a lot of people off physiologically because of increased stress and inadequate social support. Changed eating habits, drinking habits, and work habits disrupt the body and mind a lot. Sometimes anger is just a sign of a body and brain not in balance, and the physiological causes need to be addressed first.

Some of the things a man needs in relationship and will become cranky and withdrawn if these needs aren't met:
To feel like he is able you happy
To be trusted- in his competence and his loyalty
Affection and sex, physical availability
To have a woman who is happy
Encouragement and admiration, someone in his corner and by his side
Companionship

Of course, it's very important to know your needs and express them to him (some of which I'm sure are the same as his needs, and are currently not being met. But it also helpful to try to understand how men are a little different than women in some of their needs. We can overlook how sensitive and relationship oriented men can be, if we are feeling rejected our alienated ourselves. Having boundaries around angry behavior is important, but understanding the causes behind the anger can be truly transformational too.

The two things you mentioned- his first day at a new job and the concert, sound like big triggers for him. While it may not seem like a big deal that you were tired at the concert (and you are allowed to be tired 🧡) , for him it may have represented your "absence" or his inability to make you happy if the concert was his idea and he wanted you to have a good time with him. I'm not saying that only his needs matter here. But only that if he feels like essentially an unappreciated and unsuccessful man (unsuccessful with you) then that can come out in the kind of dissatisfaction you're seeing. I've found that my boyfriend NEEDS to have a good time with me, he needs companionship, it's a huge piece of his happiness.

I don't want to give him a pass for being short tempered with you. And, I'm sorry you're experiencing such criticism and negativity. I can certainly feel your frustration at doing so many healthy things and really giving your all to the relationship and to yourself. What I've learned from conflict in my own relationship is that it takes broadening my view to see where he hurts, where he is vulnerable, where I have let him down thinking of my own needs and failing to understand his because he's not as vocal about them- he's more vocal when they aren't met. He becomes more critical, just as I do.

Have you had a direct conversation with him about the feelings you shared here? Or have you expressed that you want to understand his needs and how you can meet them because you love him? So often when things go bad we hunker down and go into the threat response of thinking about our own unhappiness and lose the interdependence and teamwork we really need. We can become pessimistic, demotivated and guarded, and it sounds like he's there, and you're there. That's where it gets tough and renewing love and commitment becomes vital. When it's most difficult. I tend to think it's possible for you two simply because you've been able to have the conversation and you share that you've grown as a couple thus far, and that this is a recent sticking point.

I hope you are able to bridge the gap with him. One thing that has helped us is this agreement we made that if just ONE of us can soften in conflict and bring the love and the warmth into the middle of our conflict, the other promises to open and receive it so that we can remember we are PARTNERS and not enemies. It's helped us renew our commitment and trust even in the midst of anger or misunderstanding.

I don't know if any of that helps, I'm just now having my coffee and improvising lol.

You definitely deserve grace and to be nurtured too. This is a tough one. I don't know the answers but tend to agree that it's going back to trauma, as tnr9 suggests. At least you can get some empathy and support here. Are you in therapy to take care of you too? My boyfriend's adhd rejection sensitive dysphoria can cause him to react in such ways. Any chance he is neurodivergent, adhd?

Thank you so much. I feel like he tries but he's tired of me, I guess. It seems like he's breaking up with me. I feel sad he feels like I drag him down, I want him to be happy. I thought he was happy with me.

Yes I am in therapy, I was feeling very good actually until yesterday. I don't think he's neurodivergent, I think he has attachment issues. It feels like everything's very dramatic. But maybe I'm the real problem, as in we're not as compatible as I thought.

There may be issues….but you are not the problem…..relationships are rarely black and white.  If he cannot own his side of things….then you do not need to take that on as your issue.  Perhaps the 2 of you are not a good match but right now you are working off of a feeling instead of what is concrete.   Allow yourself grace.