Secure trying to understand DA partner

xegon, it makes sense you are being thoughtful about the situation as it is new to you and you haven't dated anyone like this before.

I wanted to add a couple things to consider based on your posts.

First, so you know what you're potentially signing up for, all insecure attachment styles have difficulty speaking up directly about their needs. That include DA, FA, and AP. They are either conditioned to believe their needs don't matter and should be minimized or that they can't trust others to meet their needs so why bother. Additionally, many insecure attachers are disconnected from themselves and don't understand their needs because they grew so accustomed to them never being met in childhood that it was less painful to disassociate in a way. So to @introverttemporary 's point, she may not be able to communicate her needs because she may not understand them or know what they are. In saying this, it's to prepare you for the possibility that in dating anyone with an insecure attachment style, they may expect you to mindread (whether they're doing this intentionally or unintentionally) because of their own communication issues. I've been in a lot of relationships like that, and it is extremely difficult. I've even been like that myself, and it took years to have the epiphany that sometimes I'd say things thinking I meant them but they were the opposite of how I felt, and why did I do that??? I always had the best intentions, but it was because I had an insecure attachment style and put the perceived needs of others above my own needs and didn't even know what my own needs were until I'd put someone else ahead of me and then realized reactively that I had unmet needs. No one was able to point this out to me, influence me, inspire me, or probably even noticed, I had to figure this out myself and didn't until I was 29 and had already been dating for half my life.

Which brings me to my second point. There's a couple different stages to insecure attachment styles. There's what we will call "unaware," which basically means someone doesn't know (or care) to understand attachment theory, they are just running on subconscious patterns and scripts over and over without introspection. Attachment styles are survival defense mechanisms that naturally developed in childhood in response to the trauma of not getting needs met by adult caretakers (could be emotional needs met inconsistently or not at all, could be due to physical needs not being met too, or even all out emotional, physical, or sexual abuse). You do not naturally grow out of this as an adult, unfortunately. One can grow out of it if one chooses to, which generally means one is not happy with aspects of one's life or is in pain and has a self-driven desire to heal and change. The next stage of this might be to become what we will call "aware" that something is wrong in one's life and that one's relationships don't work the way one would like, and one is contributing to that with dysfunctional patterns. One may become all the way aware of attachment theory and that one's own style is insecure.

So you've got the "unaware" stage, which means someone isn't going to be ready to hear what you have to say, and they will take their issues out on you whether they intend to or not. They will not be able to be a good partner. You've got the "aware" stage, which means someone may be at the beginning of considering if they want to take actions to change their life, but may choose not to want to confront their very painful issues. They also will not be a great partner because they need to focus on doing their own work first. The next stage is someone who is both aware and trying to do the work. Again, this is very self-motivated and it's best for a new romantic partner when the insecure person has started whatever their path is for healing before starting to date. If they've recognized their issues and have started therapy or are trying to make significant life changes (perhaps this is challenging themselves and make headway to accomplish personal development goals to overcome fears or issues they have with themselves), then this is a person in process already. They may be too early in process and still have months or years of work to do to get there, but it is someone more likely to be able to work with a partner on having a healthy relationship. They will value having a partner who doesn't enable them but also doesn't trigger their fears by letting the partner's issues negatively impact them (so this means if you've got an avoidant partner, that partner won't want their distancing to cause you to be full on anxious. If it's an anxious partner, they don't want their "needy" moments to push you away).

Avoidants distrust others and fear being engulfed, which basically means they have weak boundaries and don't want to be with someone else who also has weak boundaries and codependency results. Anxious distrust themselves and fear being abandoned. Some people are both avoidant and anxious and fear both at different moments. People who are both will swing more avoidant (and withdraw) when faced with someone more anxious, and will swing more anxious (and will believe they feel more attracted and get desperate for connections) when faced with someone more avoidant.

What introvert is saying is good advice if you're secure and trying to make things work with someone avoidant, because she has been avoidant and is working through it and has been able to develop a long-term relationship with her partner through a lot of hard work. So she has a lot of clarity into the thoughts and needs of the DA. I think the qualifiers to this are

1. checking in with yourself to make sure you really are secure (you sound very kind and reasonable, but you also said you've dated APs, so do you have a history of dating insecures? That usually is a sign of some insecurity or emotional unavailability within yourself, as like attracts like).

2. Understanding what stage of insecure the other person is, and if they're truly ready to try to maturely work with another partner, and to work on themselves to learn how to communicate in a healthy way, improve their boundaries, give and receive love in a healthy way, and heal, or if they are not. People can be receptive and in a growth mindset, or not receptive at all, or flat out disagree with you and feel unseen (which is why it's a good idea to not use labels or force attachment theory on her). If they are not ready, willing, or able to do these things, it will be better for you to walk away, as you do not seek the same type of relationship as the other and have incompatible needs, which is okay. Being ready is demonstrated by words and actions matching, not just someone saying yes, I want this, I want to do this, and then doing everything in their power to not actually do anything about it!

3. If nothing ever changes, can you be happy as things are? I once dated a DA, sweet guy, who basically needed 7-10 days of space once every 3 months, usually without warning. It had nothing to do with me, and he was not doing anything improper during this time, usually locking himself up to do work and to work on personal projects. I was okay with this at the time once I understood it was unrelated to me, as we were young and not living together. If we moved in together it would have become a real problem. We eventually broke up for other reasons, and he did have a history with future girlfriends feeling he could not always show up for them in times of real need or emergencies if they happened during these withdrawal episodes, and breaking up with him over it. He eventually got married, and I have no idea if he worked through his issues, or just found someone compatible with him just the way he is.

As introvert also said, do be honest with her. DAs I've been with may freeze in the face of big emotions, but if you can communicate in a calm and direct way that is concise, and give them space and time to process what you're saying, that should make a big difference. Don't make it sound like you're giving her an ultimatum, but do tell her your own needs and that you want to be with her, and see if she thinks that matches what she wants and feels she can give.

I do think there are big red flags in what you're saying about her history (she has had a chaotic or toxic dating life in the past, between not great relationships and her family comments that she hasn't brought home normal people, her dad denying emotions -- this one is very negative, and probably why she got so triggered after seeing her family because I'm sure her father is a big source of any insecure attachment issues she developed). That may mean she's not ready to deal with the kind of relationship you want, or she has different needs than you and you won't turn out to be compatible. Neither of those will be anything personal or anything you can change.

I know that's a lot of additional information to think about. But I'd really start with being honest with yourself about the 3 qualifiers I listed out before you decide what you want to say to her. Good luck!