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Post by tnr9 on Dec 28, 2017 16:24:26 GMT
Yes....it still happens with me as well....it comes from trying to protect ourselves against abandonment. A couple of things I find useful is: 1. Let myself " go there" as in allow myself to visualize the worst outcome...which for me has been that he prefers this other girl more than me. 2. While in that space, I gently remind myself that I have no control over my ex...but I also have the absolute worst crystal ball track record. 3. My situation is now a bit different because he is my ex...but trust is part of any relationship....so I would suggest either you speak to her about the likes on FB to dispel your fears or you have a bit of a self conversation to 1. Thank the part of you that is worried for trying to protect you against a perceived threat but 2. that your partner is trustworthy and you are worthy and a FB like is just a FB like. 4. "Needing to know" is part of how we respond when our attachment system is activated. However, I find that "knowing" really isn't "knowing" for me because I will connect random and often unrelated information if I am in "danger Will Robinson" mode. So I now acknowledge the fear...yes..it could certainly be the case that he likes this girl and is trying to get her attention via likes...but I also try to think of alternatives including the "I really don't have enough information to jump to this conclusion". Another thing to consider is that you are looking for reinforcement that everything is ok....knowing this about yourself can help you to have a discussion with your partner. She may not see the need to like your posts since she is in a relationship with you...but that is something that is worth clarifying in a calm and supportive way. Thank you for the insight, it's very helpful. This morning I had an episode of sorts and started feeling extremely anxious. I sent my usual good morning text at 6:30am and I have the bad habit of checking messenger to see if she's been on. I didn't receive any response and I saw a few hours later she was on Facebook. I start getting in my head and start thinking horrible thoughts of her being mad at me, or not wanting me. I cant help it. It started to feel so bad that I could feel it in my stomach and I was just out of control worrying. Finally around 10:30 she replied, but with just a quick simple reply. It just gets to me that she can find time to be on Facebook and not reply to my message. It makes me feel like I am not important, that she doesnt think about me, even though she loves me, and that others are more important. I did that too....whenever I did not hear from him...I would check Messanger as well...and then I would take it personally when I saw that he had been online, but had not responded to my text. What I failed to look for was a pattern....it wasn't as if this was the first time he hadn't responded but had been on Messanger....and as such...I missed a chance to view this as simply part of his communication pattern versus something to do with me. The anxiety you feel whenever you don't here from her is your attachment system telling you that something is wrong and must be addressed. When she does respond..you will feel ok...but don't be surprised if you continue to feel anxiety until that happens. One thing you can do....is lie on the floor....seriously...it will calm your nervous system. Listen to some relaxing music. 3-5 minutes....very helpful. As APs, we tend to want others to respond the way we do....and that isn't how DAs or FAs operate. |
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Post by stavs on Dec 28, 2017 16:36:15 GMT
Thank you for the insight, it's very helpful. This morning I had an episode of sorts and started feeling extremely anxious. I sent my usual good morning text at 6:30am and I have the bad habit of checking messenger to see if she's been on. I didn't receive any response and I saw a few hours later she was on Facebook. I start getting in my head and start thinking horrible thoughts of her being mad at me, or not wanting me. I cant help it. It started to feel so bad that I could feel it in my stomach and I was just out of control worrying. Finally around 10:30 she replied, but with just a quick simple reply. It just gets to me that she can find time to be on Facebook and not reply to my message. It makes me feel like I am not important, that she doesnt think about me, even though she loves me, and that others are more important. I did that too....whenever I did not hear from him...I would check Messanger as well...and then I would take it personally when I saw that he had been online, but had not responded to my text. What I failed to look for was a pattern....it wasn't as if this was the first time he hadn't responded but had been on Messanger....and as such...I missed a chance to view this as simply part of his communication pattern versus something to do with me. The anxiety you feel whenever you don't here from her is your attachment system telling you that something is wrong and must be addressed. When she does respond..you will feel ok...but don't be surprised if you continue to feel anxiety until that happens. One thing you can do....is lie on the floor....seriously...it will calm your nervous system. Listen to some relaxing music. 3-5 minutes....very helpful. As APs, we tend to want others to respond the way we do....and that isn't how DAs or FAs operate. That last sentence is really what I need to grasp. I need to keep in mind that not everyone is like me and doesnt love the same way. |
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Post by tnr9 on Dec 28, 2017 16:43:54 GMT
I did that too....whenever I did not hear from him...I would check Messanger as well...and then I would take it personally when I saw that he had been online, but had not responded to my text. What I failed to look for was a pattern....it wasn't as if this was the first time he hadn't responded but had been on Messanger....and as such...I missed a chance to view this as simply part of his communication pattern versus something to do with me. The anxiety you feel whenever you don't here from her is your attachment system telling you that something is wrong and must be addressed. When she does respond..you will feel ok...but don't be surprised if you continue to feel anxiety until that happens. One thing you can do....is lie on the floor....seriously...it will calm your nervous system. Listen to some relaxing music. 3-5 minutes....very helpful. As APs, we tend to want others to respond the way we do....and that isn't how DAs or FAs operate. That last sentence is really what I need to grasp. I need to keep in mind that not everyone is like me and doesnt love the same way. Yes..it is good to be aware of that...however, you cannot be the only one working to understand things. She will also need to meet you in the middle...otherwise...you will start to feel resentful and she will likely pick up on that as rejection. That is why the recommended relationship for anyone with an insecure attachment is one with a secure partner. Two insecures have a lot of triggering to overcome. |
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Post by Deleted on Dec 28, 2017 18:44:36 GMT
I did that too....whenever I did not hear from him...I would check Messanger as well...and then I would take it personally when I saw that he had been online, but had not responded to my text. What I failed to look for was a pattern....it wasn't as if this was the first time he hadn't responded but had been on Messanger....and as such...I missed a chance to view this as simply part of his communication pattern versus something to do with me. The anxiety you feel whenever you don't here from her is your attachment system telling you that something is wrong and must be addressed. When she does respond..you will feel ok...but don't be surprised if you continue to feel anxiety until that happens. One thing you can do....is lie on the floor....seriously...it will calm your nervous system. Listen to some relaxing music. 3-5 minutes....very helpful. As APs, we tend to want others to respond the way we do....and that isn't how DAs or FAs operate. That last sentence is really what I need to grasp. I need to keep in mind that not everyone is like me and doesnt love the same way. I don't speak for all avoidants, but I just want to say I don't understand all of this "checking" on other types of media. If it's just a chitchat text, I feel it doesn't require an immediate response otherwise it would be a day full of constant texting and getting nothing else done. I also don't think that the quicker someone responds, the more they love you. I think the not jumping to conclusions advice is spot on. |
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Post by tnr9 on Dec 28, 2017 18:58:08 GMT
That last sentence is really what I need to grasp. I need to keep in mind that not everyone is like me and doesnt love the same way. I don't speak for all avoidants, but I just want to say I don't understand all of this "checking" on other types of media. If it's just a chitchat text, I feel it doesn't require an immediate response otherwise it would be a day full of constant texting and getting nothing else done. I also don't think that the quicker someone responds, the more they love you. I think the not jumping to conclusions advice is spot on. Hey Mary....yeh....completely understand why it would not make sense to you....your attachment system doesn't get activated in the same way. It isn't so much the content of the message...although that does play a small role...when an AP reaches out to our partner....our attachment is activated if we don't hear back. A communication of any kind is in essence a "bid" for reassurance/everything is ok. If we don't get that within a certain amount of time...our attachment system goes into high alert telling us that something is wrong. A lot of this occurs subconciously. Because an APs anxiety is now activated...we will experience greater degrees of discomfort that is only relieved once we hear from our partner. This is why the silence and space that a DA and FA need are so triggering to an AP. Silence=something is bad, I did or said something wrong, she/he is mad at me....it all goes back to our broken attachment with our parents. Also...we are very attuned to communications and as such...we tend to read into things from our own way of relating. What you have described makes sense...but is also really foreign to me. I can do work and still respond in a timely fashion to my partner. I see it as not being an either/or. It also doesn't have to be an all day thing. Usually 1 well timed communication is all I need. |
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Post by stavs on Dec 28, 2017 19:15:58 GMT
I don't speak for all avoidants, but I just want to say I don't understand all of this "checking" on other types of media. If it's just a chitchat text, I feel it doesn't require an immediate response otherwise it would be a day full of constant texting and getting nothing else done. I also don't think that the quicker someone responds, the more they love you. I think the not jumping to conclusions advice is spot on. Hey Mary....yeh....completely understand why it would not make sense to you....your attachment system doesn't get activated in the same way. It isn't so much the content of the message...although that does play a small role...when an AP reaches out to our partner....our attachment is activated if we don't hear back. A communication of any kind is in essence a "bid" for reassurance/everything is ok. If we don't get that within a certain amount of time...our attachment system goes into high alert telling us that something is wrong. A lot of this occurs subconciously. Because an APs anxiety is now activated...we will experience greater degrees of discomfort that is only relieved once we hear from our partner. This is why the silence and space that a DA and FA need are so triggering to an AP. Silence=something is bad, I did or said something wrong, she/he is mad at me....it all goes back to our broken attachment with our parents. Also...we are very attuned to communications and as such...we tend to read into things from our own way of relating. What you have described makes sense...but is also really foreign to me. I can do work and still respond in a timely fashion to my partner. I see it as not being an either/or. It also doesn't have to be an all day thing. Usually 1 well timed communication is all I need. Mary, tnr9 is spot on with this. I know it seems silly, but it's just something inside of us that gets the anxiety going. I literally was feeling it in my stomach and if I had a xanax with me, I would have popped it to make the feeling go away. Once I received a text back, all was right in the world. My mind just started wandering into all sorts of bad scenarios as to why she didn't text me back. If I could rid myself of this I certainly would. It feels awful. |
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Post by kristyrose on Dec 28, 2017 19:20:44 GMT
tnr9,
I just read through all of your posts here, as well as the others, and I just want to say you are so brave for putting it all out here for us to read. I felt like I was reading my own story as I read yours. I do the exact, almost to a T, exact same things you have done.
It is incredibly taxing and I sometimes with the same, that I could be more FA/DA and put the ruminating aside and focus elsewhere. My ex just came back from a week long trip and I've already texted him to see how he's doing, now just waiting for a response.
I also am planning on having a talk with him knowing he will most likely stick with the decision to end our relationship. At any rate, you are not alone and I understand the utter pain and frustration of being AP.
Sending you lots of light..
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Post by Deleted on Dec 28, 2017 19:29:13 GMT
Hey Mary....yeh....completely understand why it would not make sense to you....your attachment system doesn't get activated in the same way. It isn't so much the content of the message...although that does play a small role...when an AP reaches out to our partner....our attachment is activated if we don't hear back. A communication of any kind is in essence a "bid" for reassurance/everything is ok. If we don't get that within a certain amount of time...our attachment system goes into high alert telling us that something is wrong. A lot of this occurs subconciously. Because an APs anxiety is now activated...we will experience greater degrees of discomfort that is only relieved once we hear from our partner. This is why the silence and space that a DA and FA need are so triggering to an AP. Silence=something is bad, I did or said something wrong, she/he is mad at me....it all goes back to our broken attachment with our parents. Also...we are very attuned to communications and as such...we tend to read into things from our own way of relating. What you have described makes sense...but is also really foreign to me. I can do work and still respond in a timely fashion to my partner. I see it as not being an either/or. It also doesn't have to be an all day thing. Usually 1 well timed communication is all I need. Mary, tnr9 is spot on with this. I know it seems silly, but it's just something inside of us that gets the anxiety going. I literally was feeling it in my stomach and if I had a xanax with me, I would have popped it to make the feeling go away. Once I received a text back, all was right in the world. My mind just started wandering into all sorts of bad scenarios as to why she didn't text me back. If I could rid myself of this I certainly would. It feels awful. Have you talked to her about this? It's not always possible to text back right away, but it possibly could get better if she knew you just need one text back in a certain amount of time and that would be the end of it, it could improve. I just know that with some of my friends, they get pissed if I don't text back right away but if I do, one text will lead to an hour of texting which I may not have time for. I have a friend who will text me at 7am on Saturday and get pissed if I text back later, but I am literally still sleeping. Then I may putz around on the computer while I wake up and then text her. I love her, but I just have my own timeline. It's also sort of an independence thing for me. Sometimes it feels like the other person is "checking up" on me and wants to know what I'm doing all the time or wants me to know what they are doing all the time. It may be childish, but I like a certain amount of freedom and autonomy. |
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Post by kristyrose on Dec 28, 2017 19:35:10 GMT
Mary,
Your explanation is super helpful! My FA ex will not respond to me sometimes for an entire day- I've learned to leave him be and only send one text instead of multiple. I believe he also feels like he is being "checked on" as he will often avoid questions such as "how is your day?" and instead mention some random thing he read in the news instead.
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Post by stavs on Dec 28, 2017 19:35:52 GMT
Mary, tnr9 is spot on with this. I know it seems silly, but it's just something inside of us that gets the anxiety going. I literally was feeling it in my stomach and if I had a xanax with me, I would have popped it to make the feeling go away. Once I received a text back, all was right in the world. My mind just started wandering into all sorts of bad scenarios as to why she didn't text me back. If I could rid myself of this I certainly would. It feels awful. Have you talked to her about this? It's not always possible to text back right away, but it possibly could get better if she knew you just need one text back in a certain amount of time and that would be the end of it, it could improve. I just know that with some of my friends, they get pissed if I don't text back right away but if I do, one text will lead to an hour of texting which I may not have time for. I have a friend who will text me at 7am on Saturday and get pissed if I text back later, but I am literally still sleeping. Then I may putz around on the computer while I wake up and then text her. I love her, but I just have my own timeline. It's also sort of an independence thing for me. Sometimes it feels like the other person is "checking up" on me and wants to know what I'm doing all the time or wants me to know what they are doing all the time. It may be childish, but I like a certain amount of freedom and autonomy. I have talked to her in the past about this issue, and I simply get an "I was busy" answer. Just irritates me that she can go like random stuff on Facebook or wish an acquaintance Happy birthday, but cant respond to a loving text in the morning. It just seems very rude to me, and makes me feel like I am not a priority. To your point though, it could be an independence thing - she is very big on being independent. |
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Post by tnr9 on Dec 28, 2017 19:47:01 GMT
Mary, tnr9 is spot on with this. I know it seems silly, but it's just something inside of us that gets the anxiety going. I literally was feeling it in my stomach and if I had a xanax with me, I would have popped it to make the feeling go away. Once I received a text back, all was right in the world. My mind just started wandering into all sorts of bad scenarios as to why she didn't text me back. If I could rid myself of this I certainly would. It feels awful. Have you talked to her about this? It's not always possible to text back right away, but it possibly could get better if she knew you just need one text back in a certain amount of time and that would be the end of it, it could improve. I just know that with some of my friends, they get pissed if I don't text back right away but if I do, one text will lead to an hour of texting which I may not have time for. I have a friend who will text me at 7am on Saturday and get pissed if I text back later, but I am literally still sleeping. Then I may putz around on the computer while I wake up and then text her. I love her, but I just have my own timeline. It's also sort of an independence thing for me. Sometimes it feels like the other person is "checking up" on me and wants to know what I'm doing all the time or wants me to know what they are doing all the time. It may be childish, but I like a certain amount of freedom and autonomy. I can so see my ex doing this....putzing on his phone....while I am trying to tell myself that everything is ok because my alarm bells are going off but he is in a good place. I could never understand how he could literally go days without responding and then act like nothing was wrong. This has been very helpful Mary and highlights one of the big areas where misunderstanding can occur. I was never checking up on my ex....I just needed some reassurance that we were good, because as an AP I am not very good at self regulating when my attachment is activated. I really should have discussed that with him. |
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Post by tnr9 on Dec 28, 2017 20:34:59 GMT
tnr9, I just read through all of your posts here, as well as the others, and I just want to say you are so brave for putting it all out here for us to read. I felt like I was reading my own story as I read yours. I do the exact, almost to a T, exact same things you have done. It is incredibly taxing and I sometimes with the same, that I could be more FA/DA and put the ruminating aside and focus elsewhere. My ex just came back from a week long trip and I've already texted him to see how he's doing, now just waiting for a response. I also am planning on having a talk with him knowing he will most likely stick with the decision to end our relationship. At any rate, you are not alone and I understand the utter pain and frustration of being AP. Sending you lots of light.. Thank you Kristyrose..it is so good to know that I am not alone...that others go through the same challenges that I do. Most of my friends are very independent secures, DA or FA...as such they could not really help me as their suggestions were really geared towards their own attachment style. I honestly felt incredibly broken for being so activated and not being able to sooth myself. |
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Post by Deleted on Dec 28, 2017 20:47:50 GMT
Have you talked to her about this? It's not always possible to text back right away, but it possibly could get better if she knew you just need one text back in a certain amount of time and that would be the end of it, it could improve. I just know that with some of my friends, they get pissed if I don't text back right away but if I do, one text will lead to an hour of texting which I may not have time for. I have a friend who will text me at 7am on Saturday and get pissed if I text back later, but I am literally still sleeping. Then I may putz around on the computer while I wake up and then text her. I love her, but I just have my own timeline. It's also sort of an independence thing for me. Sometimes it feels like the other person is "checking up" on me and wants to know what I'm doing all the time or wants me to know what they are doing all the time. It may be childish, but I like a certain amount of freedom and autonomy. I have talked to her in the past about this issue, and I simply get an "I was busy" answer. Just irritates me that she can go like random stuff on Facebook or wish an acquaintance Happy birthday, but cant respond to a loving text in the morning. It just seems very rude to me, and makes me feel like I am not a priority. To your point though, it could be an independence thing - she is very big on being independent. It's very much a different perspective. I wouldn't necessarily see it as you are not a priority, although I can see how you are seeing it that way. Sometimes, it's a matter of what takes the least "energy". Doing random stuff on FB or communicating with acquaintances is very easy and low energy. Communicating with my bf takes a certain amount of emotional energy and preparation (I know, sounds wierd). I may put it off until I feel prepared. I don't mean asking her why she didn't text you, but really talk about what makes each of you happy. |
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Post by Deleted on Dec 28, 2017 20:53:26 GMT
Mary, Your explanation is super helpful! My FA ex will not respond to me sometimes for an entire day- I've learned to leave him be and only send one text instead of multiple. I believe he also feels like he is being "checked on" as he will often avoid questions such as "how is your day?" and instead mention some random thing he read in the news instead. I so relate to this! My current bf sends how is your day texts all the time. I really have to check myself from getting annoyed. I know it's an innocent question, but it's knee jerk reaction. Sometimes, I too will send some random thing back that I read about, rather than some boring thing that happened at work. |
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Post by kristyrose on Dec 28, 2017 21:11:34 GMT
Mary,
Your post made me smile! Yes, I believe my ex feels the same. I can almost hear his annoyance so I've learned not to take it personally and also just to give him the space he needs.
He also refused to give me a christmas card last year (even though i love getting cards even more than gifts) because he said "we see each other all the time, why do I need to give you a card?" He did send me a xmas card this year because we are not together as a couple and we did not get each other gifts, but the card was oddly formal yet he called me a "gift to this world"- which while kind, is a bit odd. However, that has always been his style, very formal with some light joking.
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