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Post by Deleted on Jan 29, 2018 2:09:40 GMT
Anxious- YES. The picking up cues thing is big. And the avoiding conflict. I dislike ambiguity very much. It feels like purgatory for me. So I would always tell him “please tell me if this is too much for you, I know I’m a lot.” Now, he TOLD me “I’ll tell you if there’s a problem” but what he actually did was just distance himself more without ever actually telling me. When I finally asked after there was CLEARLY a problem, he said “I thought you would pick up on the fact that I was busy and not responding as much.” But all along he tells me “just be yourself, I’ll tell you if it’s too much.” He also idealizes a very specific past relationship or two, not understanding they were so short, they never really had the chance to disagree or have problems. Aye-yi-yi OMG. YES. I thought I was the crazy one!!! I also really hate ambiguity and that's exactly what he's provided in behavior, though he says he will give verbal clarity. It's very bullshit in my opinion - I can respect the need for space and independence and time, but to me, this is being hypocritical and childish. When I ask if I should scale down on the "i love yous", he said just be yourself. when just the day before, he admitted I was being draining. |
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Post by Deleted on Jan 29, 2018 3:22:02 GMT
Ok, I have to say I love this dog farm analogy. I do understand what you are saying, but I don't experience the same feeling. Those words I highlighted, I have definitely said them before too. Interesting. In the earlier days of the relationship, I used to check in with my partner if "We are good". It's just a way of checking in if there're problems that he's not explicitly saying. Somewhere along the line, I stopped asking because I had felt safe and secure in the relationship and thought that it was stable, and an open and honest relationship in which we talked to each other. The day before he "disappeared" on me, he pointed out that I have not asked that for a while, and he was wondering exactly the same. I was like  ??. Mary, he used to say the same, but apparently, avoidants dislike conflict and confrontations. He has said before that if he did not like what someone did, he would not verbally explicitly say it, but indicate in all sorts of behavior hoping that the other party will get the hint. If he/she didn't, then it's their fault for being insensitive and not picking up his cues, or picked up on his cues and not act on it. So, he would say one thing (just tell me when you're not happy because I'm bad at picking up cues) but act in a different way for himself (you should be picking up cues from people that they are unhappy). It just got to a point where I don't really believe what is said and not said, because clearly, I can't trust that he would simply just tell me what's going on. I can definitely see how that is a mixed message. I do also try to avoid, but if something isn't right, I will say it. There is definitely a break down in there somewhere. I'm a person that doesn't hint and I don't pick up on hints well either, so that is difficult. I would be frustrated by that as well. |
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Post by mrob on Jan 31, 2018 1:53:11 GMT
Wow, what a thread.
It seems like we’re in this twisted dance, I identify with Mary, totally except the niggling doubt that my reaction is normal. Knowing that it is normal to communicate through the day, but feeling overwhelmed if I do. I know partners that constantly communicate in some way every minute of the day. I couldn’t think of anything worse, or more draining.
I once said to my ex wife that I only had so much love to go around. I couldn’t have any more children. Of course, this was ridiculed, so I’m relieved (in a way) to see I’m not on my own.
In addition, there’s no reason for an avoidant to come to a forum like this unless it has become a problem in some way.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 31, 2018 3:26:44 GMT
Wow, what a thread. It seems like we’re in this twisted dance, I identify with Mary, totally except the niggling doubt that my reaction is normal. Knowing that it is normal to communicate through the day, but feeling overwhelmed if I do. I know partners that constantly communicate in some way every minute of the day. I couldn’t think of anything worse, or more draining. I once said to my ex wife that I only had so much love to go around. I couldn’t have any more children. Of course, this was ridiculed, so I’m relieved (in a way) to see I’m not on my own. In addition, there’s no reason for an avoidant to come to a forum like this unless it has become a problem in some way. Yes, it seems that avoidants come here to work on themselves and grow. It has been a good place for me to kick around ideas with other avoidants and not feel so alone in my perspective. It seems that others come here to figure out what the hell is wrong with the avoidant in their life. Ultimately I think everyone learns at least one or two things here. |
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Post by madamebovary on Jan 31, 2018 3:47:15 GMT
Wow, what a thread. It seems like we’re in this twisted dance, I identify with Mary, totally except the niggling doubt that my reaction is normal. Knowing that it is normal to communicate through the day, but feeling overwhelmed if I do. I know partners that constantly communicate in some way every minute of the day. I couldn’t think of anything worse, or more draining. I once said to my ex wife that I only had so much love to go around. I couldn’t have any more children. Of course, this was ridiculed, so I’m relieved (in a way) to see I’m not on my own. In addition, there’s no reason for an avoidant to come to a forum like this unless it has become a problem in some way. I come here to vent a little, to other APs, to try to work on my own sh*t (AP behavior seems the lesser of two evils but we have our own annoyances... that constant need for reassurance has driven more than one person in my life bonkers) and also to get some insight into my DA because sometimes it really does feel like we come from two different cultures entirely and it’s a way for me to try to understand what he might be feeling (ie, something I’m doing SEEMS loving to me but for him it might FEEL threatening... I want us both to feel “safe” for each other). |
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Post by tnr9 on Mar 10, 2018 13:47:44 GMT
Wow, what a thread. It seems like we’re in this twisted dance, I identify with Mary, totally except the niggling doubt that my reaction is normal. Knowing that it is normal to communicate through the day, but feeling overwhelmed if I do. I know partners that constantly communicate in some way every minute of the day. I couldn’t think of anything worse, or more draining. I once said to my ex wife that I only had so much love to go around. I couldn’t have any more children. Of course, this was ridiculed, so I’m relieved (in a way) to see I’m not on my own. In addition, there’s no reason for an avoidant to come to a forum like this unless it has become a problem in some way. My mom is the same way...only so much love to go around...felt like SCARCITY. There just wasn't ever enough love for three kids and definately not enough for her AP daughter (me). I felt it every single day of my childhood and it honestly destroyed my self esteem. I kept trying to figure out what was wrong with me...why I was kept at arm's length, why she could only spend so much time with me before she said her "my name battery" was drained, why she would spend so much time offering suggestions on how I could improve my life without really wanting to know me. It has been good to get that out.... |
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nic
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Post by nic on Mar 11, 2018 18:48:08 GMT
I wish I could taste what being an avoidant is like...to be able to separate out your emotions and not be on high alert constantly. To be independent and be able to act so chill and in control. At times it seems so appealing compared to constant worry, fears, thoughts and emotions that just don't simmer down. I am grateful to be able to share....sometimes it feels so very isolating. Different people can trigger you into being in different spectrums of attachment. I know what its like to be both avoidant and anxious. I can tell you that the anxious side is so much more pain to navigate. And I feel your pain. Im sure youve heard it but you are so not alone. Being anxious takes over your life, your thoughts, your actions. Every text is planted for some kind of action and we analyze every single word or lack there of in any response we get. We read into everything, think we know what the other person "really" means even if they didnt say it. We think we are the world's best detectives. We try to mask our crazy because we know it would scare anyone in their right mind away. Its not a fun place to be and when we are paired with people who are avoidant alarms are going off everywhere. I dont know how to overcome it. Being single usually does the trick but then you have to be ready to make that move and were not always ready or strong enough to follow through with it so we get stuck. Sigh.. |
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