boyfriend dumped me last night

I think knowing your story is different than understanding and perhaps re-writing your place in it, with a compassionate lens towards yourself.

Fictional example.

Let's say someone had a parent with a personality disorder who constantly criticized them, made them the black sheep, treated them with emotional abuse.

You can say, my parent sucked and now I have trust and abandonment issues. And leave it at that.

Or you can say, when I was a kid, I had unreasonable expectations put on me, I had multi-generational trauma that wasn't actually my own dumped on me, I was at a disadvantage because I didn't have anyone to teach me healthy and mature relating. And all that was unfair but not my fault, maybe even not fully the parent's fault (not that they should be pardoned for their behavior, but recognition that they acted out of trauma and I rightfully want nothing to do with them, but releasing the anger about it for my own sake). It was normalized for me, and I didn't know how messed up it all was until I was older, but now I choose to be kind to myself about it, because it wasn't my fault. It's not actually who I am, and I can change my life now, learn more skills, choose my own family and better relationships, etc. since I'm an adult and no longer a child.

Does that make sense?

Beautifully said, this is exactly what set the wheels in motion for me, being able to objectively describe what happened, what the impact was, and what I was doing to begin to heal. Helped me to start challenging my inner critic, and continues to help me if something crops up today. It's a process that continues, not as intensely as before, but as I work through layers. Everyone I know, even older than I, continues to work through layers of understanding and growth.

Thanks alexandra, I just love these boards for this.

anne12 , yes, I'm textbook HSP, and this is my 3rd move in under a year. I was happy to do the move TO exbf's home, that felt like moving towards something I wanted, and we planned for months ahead. The move OUT felt harsh and desperate. I know I could've stayed for as long as I needed, he wasn't throwing me out right that second, but...I shoved everything I could into two suitcases and ran,stayed a few days at one friend's empty house, then into another friend's guest cottage for a couple weeks, then grabbed this place.It honestly has taken weeks for my nervous system to calm down from such a harsh transition.

And yes, living alone again is brutal and not what I want. I'm very clear within myself that I want a live-in romantic partner eventually, which I suppose is why exbf moved me in.

alexandra , Ok, that's an interesting exercise: I consider my childhood one of "benign neglect." My parents were college-aged, pregnant on 2nd date, never got a honeymoon (still together.) They weren't experienced enough as people or a couple to navigate a newborn, and I was preemie and sickly to boot. Parents moved frequently chasing work opportunities. I lived in cheap apartment complexes, a couple of rural areas, one or two houses in suburbia, and once a small industrial city without much charm. It was often difficult to fit in at new school ecosystems, plus I was an only child, small and sensitive, an easy target for bullies and mean girls. My parents worked a lot, back then it was perfectly normal to have "latchkey kids" who came home to an empty house. I read and watched tv for companionship, and had a very vivid imagination and rich inner world. I was not given much guidance or discipline as a child.

I first acknowledged my sexual orientation/relationship orientation fluidity when I came out to friends as bisexual. I was 18, and had moved to the Big City. I got into a good school, I was extremely well-read. Liberal arts college and the city were very different from the working-class world I grew up in, I discovered drugs, sex and alcohol as a way to fit in and make friends. Several of my early relationships were characterized by love triangles & unrequited love. I became addicted to people who were emotionally unavailable to me, and didn't understand what was happening to me, why I hurt so badly at rejection, I thought I must be broken, and became increasingly self-destructive. I hit rock-bottom one night in my mid-20's, on the floor of a pimp's bathroom, vomiting after snorting heroin, while he banged on the locked door shouting at me to give him oral sex.

I've come a long way since then. I take good care of myself, and have built myself a life that incorporates my core values.

I know now I'm attracted to situations that remind me of early life with my parents, when I felt like they considered me a nuisance in the way of their young romance. It felt familiar, then,the time I was in a budding threeway relationship and my two partners fell in love with each other. Or when my most recent boyfriend started making noise about another woman, yet I stayed. My goal now is to figure out what exactly I need in a partner verses what I can find within myself, and to learn to let go of a relationship if it doesn't meet those needs.

Hi - this is going to sound "woo woo" - but can you just be with what is? Be with all the parts of you? 

Be with the part that is frantically searching online dating sites. Welcome her.
Be with the part that is not feeling confident.
And the part that is distracted, ruminating.
Be with the part that wants to thought-stop - or manage or control. 
And the part that feels she needs to survive a Tuesday in February that's called Valentine's day
And the part making lists. 
Welcome them all to tea.

I love Seeking's advice, which is beautifully worded... and is similar to what popped into my head as I read your post as well... providing space for those feelings and welcoming them, naming them, writing them down, saying them out loud, telling yourself those difficult feelings are there for a reason, they make sense... they're understandable. Giving no resistance to the feelings helps them to pass through you when they're ready. And you just try and nurture yourself through it.

You could even start a little valentines day ritual for yourself... something significant that allows you to give that care to yourself. I sometimes write down lists of things I'm grateful for, things I want to let go of, and things I want to call into my life... and I go and drop them into the ocean and sit and watch them for a little while. It feels good to just do something that holds your intention to love yourself, and let go of what doesn't serve you without any judgement on yourself.

Valentines suggestions - self love exercises (not only for Valentine’s Day!)

jebkinnisonforum.com/post/45707/

jebkinnisonforum.com/post/45859/ - self love

jebkinnisonforum.com/post/45858/ - How To give yourself love with your hands
With your own hands you can invite the Life Force to the body where you experience what is stagnant.

How to write a love letter to yourself - jebkinnisonforum.com/post/45709/

Self pleasure evening - activating the 5 senses- jebkinnisonforum.com/post/45854/

Open your heart exercise- jebkinnisonforum.com/post/41677/

Breathwork exercise
jebkinnisonforum.com/post/49051/
jebkinnisonforum.com/post/49052/

Dang, Rumi, so amazing. I cried reading that poem, thank you Seeking.

I think I'm resisting my feelings because I'm worried I am going to stay stuck in them. There's been times where I lost years to ruminating and not being able to let go of a past relationship, and I'm scared of it happening again. I want to be someone with more emotional resilience than that.

Anne, thank you for the paradoxical change link, it resonated.

I have always felt a certain anger at the whole cult of positive thinking, and tend to shy away from people who are relentlessly positive. Real problems can't just be thought out of existence. I often feel like I'm some sort of dark soul, a shadow, and when I bump up against someone like my very sunny exbf, I draw their darkness out and show it to them. Now that I'm out of his life he can go back to not dealing with his issues and having shallow relationships, banging multiple women and having a grand ol' time.

Anyway, I'm feeling less panicked and shaky this morning. But also desperate. I feel like people can see my desperation to be loved, my shame at being rejected, again, by someone I wanted to love me. I feel like, who would want me?

I came to the conclusion that the dating sites aren't a bad pasttime for me. I'm actually using them to set my intentions, hone in what I want. I'm not using them for booty calls or anything resembling acting out, so I can invite that to tea.

I know Valentine's day is just a day, it's more about it being the anniversary of the day I met exbf than the holiday itself. I'm sure there will come a time when I no longer associate this day with him, just not there yet. Thanks y'all!