boyfriend dumped me last night

Hey lovebunny I don't want to minimize or discount what you are experiencing in any way,but as a fellow mid-life woman I want to bring up hormonal fluctuations as they relate to our emotions. Perimenopause/Menopause can add extra confusion and emotional liability, not that your process isn't painful. Considering the role my perimenopausal physiology plays in my emotional experience has enabled me to be more aware of what I need to feel well during this time in my life.

I'm so glad you're posting and finding support here. 🧡

Just about 2 months since the breakup. I still walk around feeling brain damaged, I still cry very easily. (Breakup & menopause.) I hate that I see him driving around the island, but can't help glancing at vehicles that might be his. I have dreams of chasing him around, only to find him with OW. Dreams of him rejecting me over and over.

I had one slip up a few days after valentine's day because I forgot to change the address on an automatic delivery. I asked him for it twice, waiting several days in between. I really should've just waited until he brought it on his own which I'm sure he would've eventually. Let's be honest, it was an excuse for contact.

Of course, the contact ended up dinging me and I texted him emotional words I apologized for moments afterwards. I *know* he doesn't owe me anything just because he used to love me (last I knew, he says he still does.) Last time I saw him, he said he'd leave how much contact we have up to me.

After I left my exhusband I wanted to see him and know that he was still there, but then when I did see him I was flooded with guilt and pain. I don't want exbf to associate me with guilt and pain. I just ended up stringing exhusband along, thinking I was being kind when I slept with him, keeping him hooked for years. I didn't know any better.

Anyway, I felt as if him forgetting to bring the package means he does not think about me. It is another sign that I've lost his protection, his resources, his caring. He apologized, said he'd had it in his bag but had a lot going on with his mom in town, son's birthday, blah blah, and he got the package to me (we didn't see each other I had him put it in my mailbox.) It hurt to see him use my name in text, he always called me by a petname, and the use of my name felt deliberate, like a scolding down. I've made no contact since, I cannot right now tolerate any more dings.

The loneliness is hard to manage. I'm spending too much money going out. I reach out to my tribe, but they're often busy with their own lives. People are flaky, and they aren't like me, all lonely and desperate for contact. Letting people know how needy you feel is a sure way to repulse them. I hate this part of being alone, the having to "put yourself out there" and go places alone, or text everyone to try to find someone to spend time with, especially when they say no. Like today, I have a day off, I've been trying all weekend to get friends to do something with me, no one can or will. I can't be all PLEASE PLEASE I'M SO LONELY I'M GOING NUTS. It's not their job to drop whatever they're doing so I can feel better emotionally, especially since it's been 2 months now.

Exbf, at least, he spent time with me, and now he's gone.

I'm realizing I carry Big Relationship Energy. I guess I'm supposed to spend more time at work or on hobbies or projects, but I hate being busy just for the sake of being busy, and deep down inside what I really want is not busy-ness but PEOPLE. I do not have many people, partially because I'm an empath/HSP and very selective about who I let in, but also because everyone just seems so darned busy that they don't have time for deep, one-on-one interaction, which is what my soul craves. I want a partner or someone to consider family so f***ing bad. I'm thinking of taking a trip to visit my bestie from high school, haven't seen her in 25 years. She might feel like family.

I've had good moments, fun with friends and alone. I have taken myself out when I haven't been able to find company, and actually enjoyed myself. A couple weeks ago I went alone to my favorite gay karaoke bar, and was thrilled when a cute, straight, single man sat next to me and we really hit it off and he was a great singer and I thought for a second I'd found my soulmate lol, but alas, we talked deeper and I found out some things that showed he was far removed from my values. I made out with him though, before friendzoning. I also took myself out to lunch at a pub down the road and I've decided I'll start going there regularly I liked the vibe so much.

Last night, another lonely weekend, I took myself to an arts event and was glad to get to interact with some friendly acquaintances there. I felt love for my community, for my island, for art. But then, as I was watching this prominent local family who really seem to enjoy each other's company, I was overcome with envy. Then I got looped into thoughts about exbf and his family, and more envy. I have been excluded from that particular kind of safe, secure base in this lifetime, and that feels unfair.

I am also currently excluded from the comfort of having someone else to romance/sex on a regular basis. I did get to go away last weekend with the guy I started seeing as a "secondary" while still with bf. Having that blast of endorphins and oxytocin put me in a good mood for a few days, but of course, that guy isn't a serious, longterm thing, he's a poly guy already in a primary relationship who lives in another state--exactly what I DO NOT want for a primary attachment so I'm not trying to deepen that friendship.

But it's another level of unfairness that exbf gets to jump right into the arms of OW. I know from experience that it's sooooo much easier to get over someone if you've already moved on to having the hots for someone else. I'd much rather my erotic fantasies feature someone who hasn't destroyed my heart otherwise they drift back to the exbf.

Dating sites aren't yielding fruit for me right now. One promising guy I was texting with ghosted. Another guy made his way into my DM's then I started to see how damaged he was and I firmly let him down this morning.

I keep thinking about the end of my longest relationship, my marriage, which ended 8 years ago. Am I any happier/better off now than I was in that mediocre marriage? Is all this working on myself actually DOING anything? I felt so hopeful after I finally left exhusband, I was sure I'd find a more passionate, compatible love. Instead...well, there's definitely been passion, but the rest has been a mess.
I've spent years dating Peter Pans, women with personality disorders, and FA's. When I'm not in a relationship, I'm fighting anxiety and loneliness and fixated on relationships.

I'm seeking signs that I'm not going to live the rest of my life alone, or lovesick from being constantly expelled from romantic relationships. A secure home base within myself is all well and good, but the disadvantage of not having a secure family/partner base for support....it's hard to ignore that it is rough to go it alone in the world.

I understand that, in theory, the problem is I'm "choosing" wrong. But I also point out that it's not like I'm turning down a bunch of "right" people, generally as long as there's nothing glaringly red-flaggy and I think I could possibly become attracted to someone once I got to know them, I'll give it at least a few dates. Truth is, I'm in a small dating pool, even being open to all genders.

I feel stunned to be where I am. I'm a reasonably attractive woman, college-educated, kind, self-aware... yet I'm nearly 51 with no partner or family, living in a tiny rental apartment (albeit in paradise.) The need for positive change in my circumstances is becoming pressing. Sometimes I feel like I cannot go on like this, it isn't reasonable to expect someone who has wanted nothing more for herself than DEEP CONNECTION to be happy with alone-ness.

The most helpful books I've read so far are by Susan Anderson: The Journey from Abandonment to Healing, and Taming Your Outer Child. She stresses the need for ACTION, you cannot think your way out of heartbreak. You have to physically move, change and do. I swear I'm trying. Every day I try to do nice things for myself, adult harder, but also try to recognize that right now I'm the walking wounded and need a lot of rest and shouldn't try to make big changes.

Sometimes all this inner work just feels like placebo, or like one of those buttons at a crosswalk that don't really do anything except make people feel a little more in control of circumstances we can't actually control.

I'd love to hear of any other books that y'all feel might help me. Reading is one of the few things that, no matter what, can hold my focus.

I don't know what I need from y'all, besides books. I'm hoping it helps to just get this out. If you have any wisdom, go for it. Otherwise, I hope maybe journaling here about this breakup might help others going through something similar. Maybe I just need a mirror to feel seen.

I have only read parts of this thread so may have missed some key events. But I am most definately rooting for you. having been on both sides of the FA dance I know the pain well. It can be life consuming for quiet a while.

In your original post it stood out when you said he was particularly cruel in his interactions toward the end. Which was quiet the juxtoposition compared with his nature previously.

It reminded me of a time toward the end of one of my relationships when the girl was crying and I actually felt like laughing at her! I had no explanation for such a reaction in a heated breakup situation or why I would act so callous when only months before I treat her in the sweetest manner, in fact I couldn't even remember it until weeks after the fact.

In hind sight I realise that I was triggered intensely avoidant by her emotion and neediness, and my sentiment/compassion was completely shut down and replaced by contempt.
A month or 2 after the event I had a sudden wave of shame and recall hit me. A sort if "my god, what have I done!" type moment. Then the self hatred kicked in.

I would add Im also ADHD as many people are on these forums, which I think contributes but doesnt excuse the unregulated interest you saw in his actions.

Conversely I have also been blind side dumped by a lady I was starting to fall for just around a year and a half or so ago. And I recieved the same painful thoughtless behaviour, followed by shame reaction and attempts at reconnection.
I talked about it on here and got support from the forum. Spent about maybe 3 or 4 months trying to get over it, drinking quiet a lot, barely sleeping etc. But I feel fine about it now.

And of course when I mostly got over it and I was able to regulate is when I heard from her with a desire to get back together. Which was of course once again abandoned as soon as I showed any interest. Luckily at this point, like I said there was no pain anymore so I saw her flip flopping in a more detached perspective and it no longer caused pain.

And right now I'm doing okay, with a partner who treats me a lot better than she was capable of.

I'v also experienced the difficulty of losing housing and financial security due to a sudden relationship breakdown so I understand that pain.

If theres any way I can help let me know.

I read through your longer update and the recent ones.

All I kept thinking was there is such a drive for *something* to fix this feeling you have -- it feels like addiction. 

You named that in your last post, so at least there's that.

But this here seems like the loop - "I know I need to want more from life than love (my addiction), but I can't/anything other than (my addiction) feels pointless."

Love addiction is such a tricky thing considering we all need love, we all want to partner and have the benefits that brings. So it can be hard to untangle from the addiction. But you're smart and self-aware, and I'm sure you know what is what in that regard.

You were talking about how busy people are and how you long for one-on-one deep conversation.... I have friends that remind me of how you're writing about yourself now, and as I've gotten clean and sober on my own addiction, I sense their needing me in a way that I won't sort of "whore myself" out to them . . . if someone senses the addictive need in "Please come hang out with me," like you said it repels people -- Of course, I'm more FA and don't do well with people's neediness of me in that way.... but my time is too valuable to be someone's drug of choice....just so they can get their hit and feel better until they need it again.

I'm hopeful that you can find someone who can help. Perhaps even finding a therapist for Internal Family Systems. I love my therapist, and if I could afford 1x a week, I'm sure I'd be making huge progress much more quickly. But I can afford 2x a month right now and it is what it is. It's better than nothing. From the sound of it - if you have some extra money to go out for entertainment, etc. you can probably afford an IFS therapist 2x a month. 


Those addictive parts are protecting something painful. And until you can resolve the younger parts wounds and pain, no friend or sig other or poly dude or old friend or weekend away is going to cut it or be able to heal those wounds and pain. It's a prison. I know, I've been there. 

 I used to think it meant that too. And then rail against the idea of being okay alone for the very same reason: "Humans aren't meant to go it alone." Yes.

But this feels like more love addicted thinking.

It's black and white.

No one is saying to go it alone. I think that's how we --or our wounded younger parts-- interpret it.

It's like an alcoholic saying "And so I can never drink again. Anything. Ever. People need hydration! Fluids!"

Right?

It's still thinking through the addicted mind. And a victimy place of feeling robbed of something - like "You stole my ice cream!" At least that's how it used to feel to me, and still can at times.

I think what most non-codependent, non-insecure-attached, non-addicted folks do is find a partner but don't have the same expectations of them that we do. They're not filling the void for them. 

These people don't want to be alone either. But they survive it. They just don't have that hungry ghost inside them (to use Gabor Mate's term) or that insatiable hole. 

Most stay in relationships -- i.e, how you described the reasons for leaving your ex-husband. A secure likely would not have done that -- unless there were other explicit things I missed about that. 

You sound a lot like me in having an exquisite expectation of what that relationship will deliver, how it will feel, etc.... I think that has less to do with being an "HSP' and more to do with not having needs met early on -- and having mis-attunements, etc. -- longing for that "repair" -- 

Secures and non-addicts need other people. That's not the issue. Addiction is different. 

*"Most stay in relationships -- i.e, how you described the reasons for leaving your ex-husband. A secure likely would not have done that -- unless there were other explicit things I missed about that.*"

Exhusband was alcoholic/drug addict/work addict. He was able to attune to me enough, and loyal, so I felt secure with him, but his addictions made him not present a lot, physically or emotionally. He was often irritable and unpleasant to be around during his down time. I felt neglected and lonely and like I took on too much of the adulting in the relationship. But the other day, a friend asked me if I thought I'd have stayed with him if it weren't for the addictions, even though we weren't a super-passionate couple like me and exbf. I honestly couldn't say.

*"I think what most non-codependent, non-insecure-attached, non-addicted folks do is find a partner but don't have the same expectations of them that we do. They're not filling the void for them."

Right. They get their intensity through parenting or rock climbing or their work or art. I could just be happy with my friends and my writing and my paddling instead of fretting about sex and romantic love. My life is a far cry from horrible. So why am I in pain so often? I get it on an intellectual level.


You've certainly given me food for thought, Seeking my friend, thank you!