bluex
New Member
Posts: 31
|
Post by bluex on Feb 6, 2023 21:19:04 GMT
And I am saying that you and a few active posters are simply ignoring specialist advice and information outside without any thought just because of your own experience, and then trying to suggest to someone who disagrees with you here to leave this forum. That's the opposite of what mature and secure behaviour looks like. A toxic forum is one where some active posters have already closed their minds to information outside and are just repeating their stereotypes and cookie cutter philosophy. I am just saying that it seems to me we are not providing you the answers you seek and you are simply growing more and more defensive. You are certainly welcome to stay but the advice is the same. |
|
|
|
Post by tnr9 on Feb 6, 2023 21:23:58 GMT
And I am saying that you and a few active posters are simply ignoring specialist advice and information outside without any thought just because of your own experience, and then trying to suggest to someone who disagrees with you here to leave this forum. That's the opposite of what mature and secure behaviour looks like. A toxic forum is one where some active posters have already closed their minds to information outside and are just repeating their stereotypes and cookie cutter philosophy. I am just saying that it seems to me we are not providing you the answers you seek and you are simply growing more and more defensive. You are certainly welcome to stay but the advice is the same. Please provide a list of these experts…I’m sure I have read them all. |
|
bluex
New Member
Posts: 31
|
Post by bluex on Feb 6, 2023 21:25:42 GMT
I suppose your understanding of collective equals a few active posters and I suppose this is your idea of wisdom as opposed to any other sources of information, including those from therapists and counsellors who specialise in this area, some of whom were themselves FAs, which the few of you have dismissed without reading? That closed mindedness and petty defensiveness sounds like the opposite of wise. Certainly not very mature or secure. Haha So it wasn't our "collective wisdom" you were after... 😆 I'm sorry you got broken up with, best of luck and stick to the experts for the best results possible. |
|
bluex
New Member
Posts: 31
|
Post by bluex on Feb 6, 2023 21:36:01 GMT
You may have read but perhaps you haven't understood. Thais Gibson Paulien Timmer Elizabeth Gillette Yangki Akiteng There are other websites as well but I am not going to look through my history to list them here. It doesn't look like it will change your mind since you have already closed your mind to other sources of information despite claiming to have read them. Just run for the hills immediately and leave the FA, otherwise something is wrong with you right? That's your "expert" advice right? Haha Please provide a list of these experts…I’m sure I have read them all. |
|
|
|
Post by mrob on Feb 6, 2023 21:45:35 GMT
Welcome to the board. I’m FA, I’ve spent time working on my attachment style, and times where I’ve accepted it and worked with it, and before that, 20+ years of being unaware.
If you follow what you’ve outlined, you may get the result you’re after. My suggestion isn’t to cut and run. You obviously really like this person. I would say, however, be honest with yourself regularly. Is this what you want? Is balancing the relationship escalator - which I still don’t entirely believe in - working for you? If it is, then I reckon go for it.
As an FA, I can sniff out a covert agenda, and if I feel the slightest bit of manipulation, I’m on my way.
|
|
bluex
New Member
Posts: 31
|
Post by bluex on Feb 6, 2023 21:55:09 GMT
Thanks for being more respectful and open than the other active posters. As I said, I understand that trying to make it work with an FA is difficult and the chance is not high. I have only started reading this and trying to understand for two months and so far at least I managed to get her to reopen communication and even initiate hanging out together, even after I was honest and made it clear I still like her and hope to get back together. I don't know if it will work out but I understand the chance is not high with an FA. However, I do not think it is zero, and I do not think all those therapists and counsellors specialising in this are spouting nonsense with their advice on how to be a safe, consistent and secure partner for an FA ex to return and to start working on themselves. Welcome to the board. I’m FA, I’ve spent time working on my attachment style, and times where I’ve accepted it and worked with it, and before that, 20+ years of being unaware. If you follow what you’ve outlined, you may get the result you’re after. My suggestion isn’t to cut and run. You obviously really like this person. I would say, however, be honest with yourself regularly. Is this what you want? Is balancing the relationship escalator - which I still don’t entirely believe in - working for you? If it is, then I reckon go for it. As an FA, I can sniff out a covert agenda, and if I feel the slightest bit of manipulation, I’m on my way. |
|
|
|
Post by tnr9 on Feb 6, 2023 21:56:26 GMT
You may have read but perhaps you haven't understood. Thais Gibson Paulien Timmer Elizabeth Gillette Yangki Akiteng There are other websites as well but I am not going to look through my history to list them here. It doesn't look like it will change your mind since you have already closed your mind to other sources of information despite claiming to have read them. Just run for the hills immediately and leave the FA, otherwise something is wrong with you right? That's your "expert" advice right? Haha Please provide a list of these experts…I’m sure I have read them all. I have read or watched podcasts from all of these experts….during the time I dated a guy who also had FA attachment wounding and also after he broke up with me. I believed if I did all the secure things…gave him freedom, was agreeable, no conflict, no arguments etc. that it would keep us going….but it did not change what was going on inside him. You are certainly welcome to pursue your path…but what we have all been saying is that it did not work for a single person on these boards….take a couple of handfuls of “experts, specialists and counselors” (a few of which were FA) over hundreds of people who have posted here. That is a choice you can make…but to negate the advice of those of us here who have read and written back to all of those individuals through those years as closed minded…when you haven’t even been here a day. I do wish you well and hope for the best…but I stand by my earlier comments. |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Feb 6, 2023 22:06:21 GMT
I suppose your understanding of collective equals a few active posters and I suppose this is your idea of wisdom as opposed to any other sources of information, including those from therapists and counsellors who specialise in this area, some of whom were themselves FAs, which the few of you have dismissed without reading? That closed mindedness and petty defensiveness sounds like the opposite of wise. Certainly not very mature or secure. Haha So it wasn't our "collective wisdom" you were after... 😆 I'm sorry you got broken up with, best of luck and stick to the experts for the best results possible. Thais says there is no point in doing the work with someone who isn't healthy and who isn't showing up to do the work with you. There's relationship advice, and then there is breakup advice... you've been broken up with. Listen to her disclaimer, she's an expert... www.google.com/search?q=thais+gibson+fa+broke+up+with+me&oq=thais+gibson+fa+broke+up+with+me&aqs=chrome..69i57.9252j0j4&client=ms-android-sprint-us-revc&sourceid=chrome-mobile&ie=UTF-8#fpstate=ive&vld=cid:0645d92f,vid:2Kb9lEUjkpQ,st:342 |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Feb 6, 2023 22:11:57 GMT
I mean, if you don't mind, please quote her "important disclaimer" here to enlighten us? Since we are so immature and defensive and stuff? It starts at 5:42.
|
|
|
|
Post by mrob on Feb 6, 2023 22:12:26 GMT
Honestly, I don’t think what others have said here is wrong. I also wouldn’t say that they’re disingenuous. I just know that if I hadn’t experienced it for myself, I wouldn’t have believed it. Who doesn’t want someone they like to have the opportunity to recover and live well? For secures, insecure thinking makes absolutely no sense. The flip flop of an FA even more so. Entirely alien.
I’ve tried every combination here in the last 6 years. My longest relationship was with my secure second wife, before this, but I there were some really significant internal troubles that ended up manifesting outwardly eventually.
With recovery, there has been progress. I still don’t want to do what society seems to expect and I don’t know how to reconcile that. Anyway, another story for another day.
|
|
bluex
New Member
Posts: 31
|
Post by bluex on Feb 6, 2023 22:15:35 GMT
Your failure has probably made you bitter and biased, and conveniently conclude that everyone else have failed. Most likely I will fail too, going by statistics and the experts' own caution. But at least I will not be bitter and I will not falsely conclude that no one can succeed just because I don't succeed. The world is big and there are other cases and stories and real persons. Don't be so closed minded and don't hide your bitterness behind your fellow bitter posters who also want everyone else to cut and run. I have read or watched podcasts from all of these experts….during the time I dated a guy who also had FA attachment wounding and also after he broke up with me. I believed if I did all the secure things…gave him freedom, was agreeable, no conflict, no arguments etc. that it would keep us going….but it did not change what was going on inside him. You are certainly welcome to pursue your path…but what we have all been saying is that it did not work for a single person on these boards….take a couple of handfuls of “experts, specialists and counselors” (a few of which were FA) over hundreds of people who have posted here. That is a choice you can make…but to negate the advice of those of us here who have read and written back to all of those individuals through those years as closed minded…when you haven’t even been here a day. I do wish you well and hope for the best…but I stand by my earlier comments. |
|
bluex
New Member
Posts: 31
|
Post by bluex on Feb 6, 2023 22:18:07 GMT
Apparently you don't know how to read. I did say my goal is for my FA ex to start working on herself and if not I will back away after a certain time. Do learn to read first before replying. Hehe, your immaturity and insecurity is showing more and more. |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Feb 6, 2023 22:29:30 GMT
Apparently you don't know how to read. I did say my goal is for my FA ex to start working on herself and if not I will back away after a certain time. Do learn to read first before replying. Hehe, your immaturity and insecurity is showing more and more. I'm sure you're lovely in person. |
|
|
|
Post by sunrisequest on Feb 6, 2023 22:36:40 GMT
If you're familiar with Paulien Timmer, you might have come across some of her videos, which are actually an amazing resource. Here's one you might or might not have seen, but she lays it all out as clearly as anyone could. If you want to be in a relationship with someone who has fearful avoidant attachment wounds... but also, I think this applies to anyone who wants to be in a relationship with anyone at all... I think you need to be prepared to love them for exactly who they are at that moment in time. Not who they may or may not become... no clauses, no expectations for them to figure things out in a certain timeline. You need to decide what you want in a partner, and what is acceptable for you, and figure out if this person is able to give it to you. I think it's all workable, no matter the attachment style, as long as the other person has the desire, willingness and capacity to keep showing up and working on things, making changes as they're needed, growing together. Some people want to but they just can't. Only you can figure out where this woman sits in that area. www.youtube.com/watch?v=4h3cby1SgOA |
|
bluex
New Member
Posts: 31
|
Post by bluex on Feb 6, 2023 22:38:39 GMT
Hehe, I am certainly not someone who obsessively hangs around a forum like this for almost a year, posting shallow criticisms, assertions and assumptions without even learning to read first, just to hide their own bitterness and inability to move on. *Wink wink* I'm sure you're lovely in person. |
|
