Does this read DA?

New here. Trying to absorb as much as possible so I can make some decisions.

Me-in a newer relationship a year plus or so with guy I have known acquaintance level for a while. He seemed to be a deep thinker, sensitive, good with words and expressing. I thought very emotionally connected. It was attractive, he made me feel special once he told me he had feelings. Flattering. I was told he felt neglected as a child. like he never was seen nor got what he felt like he deserved out of life. He had work published but it failed to make him feel accomplished and he often ruminates on his perceived "failure".

At times he goes silent. Runs hot and cold. When I questioned it at first the was there love bombing again saying GOD NO it wasn't me, that he didn't want me to see any tarnish or ugliness on him because everything that he loves and feels like he wants leaves him so he would understand if I wanted out. I said-you are sabotaging this relationship with those thoughts and behaviors.  I hadn't planned on going anywhere but if you keep disappearing and going quiet, I am not sure what to think? Am I Wanted? Am I annoying you by checking on you?" There would be a good talk and he would ensure me there was deep love, he needs and wants me and he would never leave me. (? ok, well what about me feeling ignored on the regular?) then for days or weeks everything would be fine. But then he has routinely said things like "bear with me if I go quiet and dark/hide/disappear."  Then without warning, he becomes emotionally unavailable. Missing. Reading but not responding to messages. I said "feels like you say one thing and do another.  I have asked-if you need space and time, to work on whatever is going on in your head, TELL me so I don't look around and you are just GONE. So I know you are going through one of those times." I have considered but I don't have any reason to think there is another woman happening. I think this may be a behavioral and maybe mental health thing. He takes medications for anxiety, sometimes forgets and then tells me how bad it feels. Told me he is used to dealing with demons on his own, doesn't want to burden anyone with them. But I ASKED-just alert me.  Is that not appropriate to ask?

He is in a cycle now. It's been a week. Now it feels like breadcrumbing. A tiny message yesterday and an emoji. This going dark, quiet, avoiding answering my texts or finding time to see me, has been lasting anywhere form a day to a week (this is long for our history). I don't double text, but there are 24 hours at a time sometimes more that there is no contact from someone who professes with poetry to love me.  My dignity is taking a hit.  I am pretty secure in myself and have no issues busying myself while someone in in their head, but also find this is making me anxious.  What can anyone tell me about if this behavior is normal for DA or should I RUN? Or approach it differently to help him see that I am CLOSE to running but don't WANT to run, I have serious "helper" instincts (not always good for me I know) and he is a really good guy-when he is not in a hole. self fulfilling prophecy of "everything I love leaves me anyway." 

Doesn’t sound like a DA at all….the hot/cold but with low self esteem is more aligned with FA…..but, it sounds like there is more to it if he is on medication for anxiety and likely is struggling with depression as well.  It also sounds like he is aware that he disappears….but doesn’t have an awareness of when that will happen, so he just “goes silent”.  Personally, having anxiety/depression alone can be a tough battle (especially if he is not taking his prescribed medication), but to add onto it insecure attachment can really throw someone’s behavior and mood in all directions.  This does not sound like someone who is at all ready for a relationship because he hasn’t worked through the underlying medical issues he has going on.  It might be good to try going back to being friends.

Have you had a narcissist relationship in the past because you use terminology that is tied to narcissistic behavior…such as love bombing and bread crumbing.  Attachment issues are very different from NPD although some behaviors can feel narcissistic in the moment.  

My responses in red



I agree it sounds more FA.

I did date a DA who did the disappearing parts (without the sabotage and low self esteem). He would get overwhelmed with life once in a while and disappear without warning for about a week and a half. It was nothing personal, and he'd hole up in his room working or working on his hobbies the entire time. Nothing to do with other women, since that was something we definitely discussed after the first time it happened. The truth was, I had to just be okay with him doing this sometimes, or not, and decide if I wanted a relationship like that. Whether or not I accepted that it was part of who he was at the time and if it still met my needs adequately was up to me. I did not know or recognize it as an avoidance coping mechanism at the time since I knew nothing about attachment styles, and neither did he.

I was okay with it at the time since he was a very sweet person, and we were young and not living together / so serious yet that I needed his daily support (we were dating like this a year and half and broke up amicably for other incompatibility reasons, but since we were very young we weren't rushing into living together or engagement or similarly serious milestones... if we got that serious, I wouldn't have still been okay with disappearing). He'd continue periodically doing it and coming back recharged, and I'd do my own thing while he was silent. I'd asked him to try to give me warning when he needed that kind of space, but he just couldn't because he didn't understand it himself at the time. Anyway, to get to what my next point will be, I can tell you the outcome was that he wouldn't be ready for serious commitment and marriage for another 15 years or so, though he's happily married now.

In a situation like this, I personally think the most important thing is if the partner having difficulties is doing anything about it on their own. Your boyfriend is getting medication for his anxiety, but is he also getting therapy?  It isn't a promising sign if he's pushing you away and telling you you're better off without him, as opposed to taking more accountability and recognizing 1. he needs more help to manage his mental health issues 2. it isn't your responsibility to do it for him 3. it's not fair for him to take it out on you or disrespect you even when he's having an anxious episode. You can absolutely be loving and supportive, since he is struggling, but you don't want to cross the line into enabling or co-dependent. You also don't want to shove your own needs far to the side, and you need to stay honest with yourself about if you can be satisfied with this dynamic if it never changes. You can empathize with his situation while recognizing if he's not in a place to help himself, and maybe that means it isn't the right situation for you after all. Figuring that out is all part of dating and getting to know someone over time.

**He isn't in any therapy.  Should I be suggesting this?  Is it offensive to say "I think you need therapy" to someone? How do you bring that up in a loving way? He doesn't WANT me to leave him but its the esteem thing that says "She will probably leave anyway because once she sees your issues and I don't blame her?" and yes yes yes.  I am trying hard not to shove my feelings to the side.  To ask for what I need.  I did have a talk with him once about how I would LIKE timely contact (doesn't have to be overboard or constant) but please don't go radio silent without telling me you are dealing with something. And is there anything I can do to help you?  I feel like he heard me and completely forgot. But I am reading via responses that they are not always aware the issues are coming.

I'd personally have a discussion with him when he's not triggered or withdrawn and he is calm about how you love him and want to be with him, but this isn't sustainable for you as is. **This sounds like a game plan I am going to have to navigate.  Again, I tried the "I Want to be here and be with you but I NEED a few things from you."  Maybe he isn't able to provide those things? There needs to be some kind of game plan for how he's going to proceed, and you will absolutely be supportive of him seeking help and be understanding of his need for space sometimes if he's actively trying to work through it. But if he's going to wallow and hide and be in this cycle of repeating it over and over, then it's hard for you to grow together the way you're looking for in a relationship. Be brief and concise, avoidants don't do well with walls of words in stressful situations and can't always process them. **He has mentioned this before. How he takes time to process and respond to things and this has frustrated people in his past. I had let the lack of responses to serious questions go. Sometimes he comes back with answers, mostly not though. But you should still be honest, both with him and yourself, and then give him some time to think about what he wants to do from there. If you can't get through to him and he retreats into insecurity and self-pity, then he may simply not be ready or willing to confront his own trauma yet. And that's okay, but it may mean the timing isn't right for you two to be together, depending on what kind of relationship you are looking for. If he does earnestly want to proceed with seeking help, make sure you back up your words with your actions consistently and do be supportive and still present in the relationship but give him enough space and patience to do his own work. If he's ready, he will stop with the hot and cold and start being consistent. If he can't do that, you should re-assess what you want. **This was so helpful.  Thank you

My experience has also been that if people come to you saying they want help or something needs to change, it is far more likely (though not always the case) that they're ready and motivated enough to make changes. If you need to go to them, it may be a wakeup call, but it may still take some time for them to be able to listen and follow through. **It would be a wake up call because I would be the one going to him.  Or they may need many wakeup calls over many different relationships, there's no way to tell how someone else's process will go if you don't want the same things out of a relationship at the same time. So again, he may not be in the same emotional place you are in terms of wanting the type of romantic relationship you want and being ready for it. And unfortunately, that just happens sometimes, and then it hurts, but by that point you've communicated your piece and then need to let go with love.

chase if you are ap

jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/1072/healing-anxious-ambivalent-attatchment-tricks

jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/3399/tips-healing-ap-incl-tools