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Post by tnr9 on Apr 18, 2023 20:39:17 GMT
I think it's good you're having open communication about these issues, although you need to wait and see if he really follows through on what he's saying. He will, on his own, monitor his meds better is ehhhh, but if he means doing it with the help of a doctor more seriously to get the trial and error right then that's a step in the right direction. The warning flag I see here is you need to make sure he doesn't turn YOU into his therapist. He needs to get help for himself because he wants to, not for you, or it won't stick. But it's good that he was open to the discussion, though a little less good that he did it by showing up unannounced in the middle of your workday. That sounds like a pretty distracting time and totally on his schedule preference, which isn't great. In the meantime, you introspecting on your own family dynamics and looking into therapy for yourself is absolutely a good course of action, no matter what he does or how things go with this relationship. I am going to add another warning flag….it is one thing for an insecure person to see his/her own issues and want to work on him or herself, but when wanting to work on him or herself is tied to a perceived request (even if not specifically spoken) or the perceived fear of losing someone (even if not specifically spoken), there is a much lower success rate. I would also watch for signs that you are “over caring” for him. He may not have received much “care” when younger and can end up relying on your caring as a crutch. This can feel good in the moment, but it ends up in a codependent relationship. |
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chase
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Post by chase on Apr 19, 2023 14:42:30 GMT
I think it's good you're having open communication about these issues, although you need to wait and see if he really follows through on what he's saying. He will, on his own, monitor his meds better is ehhhh, but if he means doing it with the help of a doctor more seriously to get the trial and error right then that's a step in the right direction. The warning flag I see here is you need to make sure he doesn't turn YOU into his therapist. He needs to get help for himself because he wants to, not for you, or it won't stick. But it's good that he was open to the discussion, though a little less good that he did it by showing up unannounced in the middle of your workday. That sounds like a pretty distracting time and totally on his schedule preference, which isn't great. In the meantime, you introspecting on your own family dynamics and looking into therapy for yourself is absolutely a good course of action, no matter what he does or how things go with this relationship. I am going to add another warning flag….it is one thing for an insecure person to see his/her own issues and want to work on him or herself, but when wanting to work on him or herself is tied to a perceived request (even if not specifically spoken) or the perceived fear of losing someone (even if not specifically spoken), there is a much lower success rate. I would also watch for signs that you are “over caring” for him. He may not have received much “care” when younger and can end up relying on your caring as a crutch. This can feel good in the moment, but it ends up in a codependent relationship. Both VERY excellent and sage advice to be aware of. He did say he would talk to a dr about meds during the med check. I didn't get the drift that he meant he would try on his own. I will ask about this and how it's going to make sure he is doing it and not just saying it but you are right-I don't want to be used as a therapist. Yes, I was rather surprised when he just showed up in my workspace. I'd looked at it as a nice surprise before, but you are right. It was on HIS time, not mine or both agreed upon to have a conversation like that. It worked, but you are right. I want to make sure to not over care for him as well. is asking about if he talked to a Dr, overcaring? For what it's worth, I am somewhere grounded in reality with a realization that this may not work out. It will not be easy as some days I am stronger than others in conviction. I suppose that is normal. |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 19, 2023 14:53:05 GMT
I am going to add another warning flag….it is one thing for an insecure person to see his/her own issues and want to work on him or herself, but when wanting to work on him or herself is tied to a perceived request (even if not specifically spoken) or the perceived fear of losing someone (even if not specifically spoken), there is a much lower success rate. I would also watch for signs that you are “over caring” for him. He may not have received much “care” when younger and can end up relying on your caring as a crutch. This can feel good in the moment, but it ends up in a codependent relationship. Both VERY excellent and sage advice to be aware of. He did say he would talk to a dr about meds during the med check. I didn't get the drift that he meant he would try on his own. I will ask about this and how it's going to make sure he is doing it and not just saying it but you are right-I don't want to be used as a therapist. Yes, I was rather surprised when he just showed up in my workspace. I'd looked at it as a nice surprise before, but you are right. It was on HIS time, not mine or both agreed upon to have a conversation like that. It worked, but you are right. I want to make sure to not over care for him as well. is asking about if he talked to a Dr, overcaring? For what it's worth, I am somewhere grounded in reality with a realization that this may not work out. It will not be easy as some days I am stronger than others in conviction. I suppose that is normal. I find it odd, the way he "communicates". A heart emoji in response to an articulate message expressing some concern.... giving no indication of an actual intention to discuss. Then a surprise meeting at work. He maintains a tight grip on control here... when asked to give you heads up about needing space, he doesn't. When an articulate response to your concern is appropriate, he doesn't offer one. But when least expected, at work, there he is, to talk about himself. Talk about keeping someone guessing and pushing drama... he's keeping you on your toes for sure and all because he struggles to take responsibility for his emotional health on his own without being pressed to do so. He's a tricky one. |
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Post by tnr9 on Apr 19, 2023 15:21:17 GMT
Both VERY excellent and sage advice to be aware of. He did say he would talk to a dr about meds during the med check. I didn't get the drift that he meant he would try on his own. I will ask about this and how it's going to make sure he is doing it and not just saying it but you are right-I don't want to be used as a therapist. Yes, I was rather surprised when he just showed up in my workspace. I'd looked at it as a nice surprise before, but you are right. It was on HIS time, not mine or both agreed upon to have a conversation like that. It worked, but you are right. I want to make sure to not over care for him as well. is asking about if he talked to a Dr, overcaring? For what it's worth, I am somewhere grounded in reality with a realization that this may not work out. It will not be easy as some days I am stronger than others in conviction. I suppose that is normal. I find it odd, the way he "communicates". A heart emoji in response to an articulate message expressing some concern.... giving no indication of an actual intention to discuss. Then a surprise meeting at work. He maintains a tight grip on control here... when asked to give you heads up about needing space, he doesn't. When an articulate response to your concern is appropriate, he doesn't offer one. But when least expected, at work, there he is, to talk about himself. Talk about keeping someone guessing and pushing drama... he's keeping you on your toes for sure and all because he struggles to take responsibility for his emotional health on his own without being pressed to do so. He's a tricky one. I used to get heart, smile emojis as responses….later I learned that whenever a question or statement felt too vulnerable or there was a possibility of conflict, B would use emojis. I agree…it is an odd and frustrating. Same with just showing up unannounced and convenient for him get togethers…B did the same. He would also ask about getting together and if I did not immediately reply, he would make other plans. It definitely was a form of control for B…but he also had ADD….so who knows how that played into it. |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 19, 2023 15:46:07 GMT
I find it odd, the way he "communicates". A heart emoji in response to an articulate message expressing some concern.... giving no indication of an actual intention to discuss. Then a surprise meeting at work. He maintains a tight grip on control here... when asked to give you heads up about needing space, he doesn't. When an articulate response to your concern is appropriate, he doesn't offer one. But when least expected, at work, there he is, to talk about himself. Talk about keeping someone guessing and pushing drama... he's keeping you on your toes for sure and all because he struggles to take responsibility for his emotional health on his own without being pressed to do so. He's a tricky one. I used to get heart, smile emojis as responses….later I learned that whenever a question or statement felt too vulnerable or there was a possibility of conflict, B would use emojis. I agree…it is an odd and frustrating. Same with just showing up unannounced and convenient for him get togethers…B did the same. He would also ask about getting together and if I did not immediately reply, he would make other plans. It definitely was a form of control for B…but he also had ADD….so who knows how that played into it. It's never an indication of relationship-ready, regardless of the root cause of the behavior. It can be intentional control, subconscious stuff, neurodivergence, what have you. My experience is that people don't grow into appropriate partners within one relationship, but I'm sure there is contrary experience out there. I tend to keep it fairly simple though, meaning, if there is behavior present early on in the relationship that halts progression because it's just that difficult, then the relationship is better left on the ground, it's not going to fly. However, the process of trying to work it out is extremely helpful as well. I learned a lot about myself while struggling in bad relationships. I continue to learn, it's an ongoing process. That said, a skeptical view can balance out the AP tendency to be over-accomodating, to have blind tolerance, to question one's own feelings and perceptions, to take responsibility for another's personal growth. Sometimes a person just isn't capable of the relationship you want, end of. Working through that can get you ready for the relationship you want that you weren't ready for although you though you were. I believe we all end up in what we are ready for. If that means you're with someone who has barriers to intimacy, you do as well, and the whole process of wrestling with "another person's issues" reveals issues of your own that need to be addressed, barriers in your own psychology that you yourself must remove. Thats been my experience. |
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Post by tnr9 on Apr 19, 2023 17:20:30 GMT
I used to get heart, smile emojis as responses….later I learned that whenever a question or statement felt too vulnerable or there was a possibility of conflict, B would use emojis. I agree…it is an odd and frustrating. Same with just showing up unannounced and convenient for him get togethers…B did the same. He would also ask about getting together and if I did not immediately reply, he would make other plans. It definitely was a form of control for B…but he also had ADD….so who knows how that played into it. It's never an indication of relationship-ready, regardless of the root cause of the behavior. It can be intentional control, subconscious stuff, neurodivergence, what have you. My experience is that people don't grow into appropriate partners within one relationship, but I'm sure there is contrary experience out there. I tend to keep it fairly simple though, meaning, if there is behavior present early on in the relationship that halts progression because it's just that difficult, then the relationship is better left on the ground, it's not going to fly. However, the process of trying to work it out is extremely helpful as well. I learned a lot about myself while struggling in bad relationships. I continue to learn, it's an ongoing process. That said, a skeptical view can balance out the AP tendency to be over-accomodating, to have blind tolerance, to question one's own feelings and perceptions, to take responsibility for another's personal growth. Sometimes a person just isn't capable of the relationship you want, end of. Working through that can get you ready for the relationship you want that you weren't ready for although you though you were. I believe we all end up in what we are ready for. If that means you're with someone who has barriers to intimacy, you do as well, and the whole process of wrestling with "another person's issues" reveals issues of your own that need to be addressed, barriers in your own psychology that you yourself must remove. Thats been my experience. Yep…I was sharing that for some insecures, this practice is a common one…so it isn’t that he is the exception. And I agree….these are not good signs for the relationship. I did learn a lot about myself, especially about my tendency to mind read for the other person and make excuses for bad behavior instead of calling it out for what it was. |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 19, 2023 18:09:47 GMT
It's never an indication of relationship-ready, regardless of the root cause of the behavior. It can be intentional control, subconscious stuff, neurodivergence, what have you. My experience is that people don't grow into appropriate partners within one relationship, but I'm sure there is contrary experience out there. I tend to keep it fairly simple though, meaning, if there is behavior present early on in the relationship that halts progression because it's just that difficult, then the relationship is better left on the ground, it's not going to fly. However, the process of trying to work it out is extremely helpful as well. I learned a lot about myself while struggling in bad relationships. I continue to learn, it's an ongoing process. That said, a skeptical view can balance out the AP tendency to be over-accomodating, to have blind tolerance, to question one's own feelings and perceptions, to take responsibility for another's personal growth. Sometimes a person just isn't capable of the relationship you want, end of. Working through that can get you ready for the relationship you want that you weren't ready for although you though you were. I believe we all end up in what we are ready for. If that means you're with someone who has barriers to intimacy, you do as well, and the whole process of wrestling with "another person's issues" reveals issues of your own that need to be addressed, barriers in your own psychology that you yourself must remove. Thats been my experience. Yep…I was sharing that for some insecures, this practice is a common one…so it isn’t that he is the exception. And I agree….these are not good signs for the relationship. I did learn a lot about myself, especially about my tendency to mind read for the other person and make excuses for bad behavior instead of calling it out for what it was. Yessssss.... the insecure playbook is pretty universal and sadly recognition is only the beginning.. it takes some complicated work to achieve the capacity for relationship and I believe that is very difficult when it's two insecure going at it together. There has to be at least a certain level of healthy functioning in place to begin and to get anywhere. Showing up consistently is a prerequisite. If you can't do that you've got major work to do because the reasons for inconsistency are deep and not corrected easily. |
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Post by alexandra on Apr 19, 2023 18:58:06 GMT
Asking briefly in a couple weeks about his meds isn't overcaring, but it's a much better sign if he brings it up and updates you on his own before then. As we're saying, you don't want to be the main driver for his behavior or any changes he's making, and certainly not the one pushing him to follow through. You need to just lean back and see what he does now that you've talked and decide if things are moving in the right direction for you or not.
In the meantime, follow through and focus on your side instead: start researching some therapists for yourself, maybe schedule a consult. Read some of the AP healing sections of this forum, watch some of Thais Gibson's YouTube videos on AP. Let him do his thing about his issues for now, you do yours.
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