FA input needed. Did my friend mess up my no contact?

Yes! Once I did more research I realized I was an AP here so I’ve been working on that. I’m upset I didn’t know about attachment theory before. The whole thing has been so enlightening and I’m thankful for this forum for giving insight in FAs bc I’m really lost.

I did more research on FA bc I wanted to get whatever answers I could about the situation and him in general. Once I learned about their triggers and them needing space that’s why I decided to go no contact and give space (he never said he needed it). Plus, bc of my own AP tendencies, the ghosting thing was overwhelming me too.

But this is the longest time I haven’t heard from him.

I always assumed he was anxious (he’s definitely anti-confrontational as he mentioned it after I blew up on him) but as for depression idk. He never mentioned it even though we were close and he confided a lot to me. When I read about FA everything else kind of clicked and I assumed maybe he was depressed about something in his life? But bc I haven’t heard from him (he’s not great at communicating his needs) and I don’t have him social media nor do I know any of this other friends I don’t really have any way of connecting with him and finding out.

And after the first time he ghosted he didn’t see it as ghosting nor did he realize he was doing it which I’ve read is common in FAs.

It sucks bc this is a friend I care about and I just don’t know what to do. I feel like J put me in a room and turned off all the lights and im stuck trying to find my way in the darkness. I don’t know which way to move.

I have a close friend who stopped answering me a month ago. I know he's been going through a lot that he's sought therapy for the last few months, and he's been acting very FA (he's aware of it). Anyway, the difference is, I know it's nothing personal and don't take it that way, plus I have my own stuff to do. I've checked in periodically to see if he's okay, but I'm not dwelling on it otherwise and simply hope he's okay. It's no reflection on me, he's just floundering in dealing with his situation, I've tried to help where I can over several months, and he still needs to get his own headspace in order before he can properly accept more help or for it to have any impact.

That's where focusing on your own attachment and security instead of on your friend comes into play. Feeling like you're in a locked room and trying to figure out which combination of games and no contact may get you out of it has nothing to do with your friend. Your fear of abandonment is triggered and you don't know how to self-soothe, emotionally self-regulate (looking towards others to do it for you), or how to be enough on your own, accepting yourself instead of abandoning yourself in a situation like this. This is all very typical for APs to feel, and is the starting point for your own research into improving your own ability to be secure and kind to yourself even when in a situation with uncertainty.

If you had no falling out, either your friend will come back eventually. Or if your friend doesn't come back, then they aren't much of a friend -- again, probably very little to do with you and more to do with their own issues. And those issues are their own to figure out so they can participate in friendships. With anyone, you can be a good friend to the extent you are able, but you can't take on someone else's issues or fix them for them without it becoming codependency. And those friendships don't tend to last in a healthy way, so it's better to focus on what you can control, which involves how you emotionally support yourself.

I'm not FA so others can speak up, but it isn't my experience that FAs don't want to hear from you unless they're really completely done with the connection. They just don't want to feel any pressure to respond, but they also like knowing you're still there (remember, they fear both engulfment and abandonment). They can also go numb to their feelings in deactivation and not even realize a lot of time has passed without them having responded, because they're very slowly dealing with processing whatever is going on with them or at least unfreezing themselves (all subconsciously, not necessarily aware of it). So it's back to, only be no contact if you need space and want to be, or if it's too upsetting to you to reach out if you won't hear back. But in general, depersonalize it, don't treat him with kid's gloves, unless you did something that you were in the wrong about with anyone (not just, you struck a nerve with him because he's got issues, but if you said something to him that you'd apologize for if it was anyone else... don't rack your brain looking for things to blame yourself and apologize for though, as that's an AP pattern to seek reconnection).

It's trickier when it's romantic because the intimacy is more triggering, though insecure friendships can be volatile as well. I think there's less advice about platonic friendships online because people don't ask about it as much, whereas they're more likely to fixate on romantic distress. But don't play games to get a response, and don't overfunction. Focus on yourself and then reassess if this friendship works for you or if maybe it doesn't and you'd rather let it fade out.

My friend will reappear eventually, and that's fine. We've been friends for many years and I generally know what's going on with him, so I'm not attached to any specific behavior or outcome, and this won't impact our friendship. You don't need to make any decisions now and can just see how you feel if he resurfaces.

Yes, blowing up at someone is never good, but you haven't provided any details. I was reading it as, "he has an established pattern of disappearing sometimes" and not "we had a big fight." But why did you blow up at him, what did that entail, and did you apologize for anything that was your fault and out of line? AP tend to take on too much blame through overfunctioning which is why I said focus on yourself and didn't press, but if there's more to the story then do take responsibility / accountability if you were out of line and leave a brief apology. Then respect his boundaries by leaving him alone unless he comes back around. If you have a tendency to lash out at others or engage in protest behaviors, that's a good place for you to start to do some self-work in addressing any anxious tendencies you have. That is connected to the emotional self-regulation, especially when faced with abandonment triggers, that I mentioned earlier.

First of all again I truly appreciate this website and all the people giving feedback. It has been so great.

I blew up on him because of things he did over time. FYI I hardly ever blow up (super uncharacteristic of me) unless it's something that has been brewing for a long time. Basically he was doing inconsiderate things such as saying we will link up and chill but then cancelling last minute or not responding at all. But then I'd hear from other not-as-close friends that they would meet up here and there. He used to spam facetime me until I picked up and text me literally every day. I didn't mind it because I now know that I'm an AP so it worked for me. He confided in me in a lot of personal things that he didn't even tell his best friend. And then over time he began to hold back.

When I would call him and ask why we don't facetime as much anymore he'd say "I don't like talking on the phone, I prefer texting." And this wouldn't make sense to me at the time because HE used to spam call me. So then when I'd try to text, his texting became more and more distant. When I asked about his life and interests he would respond "there's nothing interesting about me. I'm boring." And yet he used to openly and excitedly tell me about his interests, goals or new things he learned, etc. So I got frustrated because it seemed like he didn't want to meet in person, talk on the phone or text. And I was patient for months, but now it was getting concerning for me. It's like I was watching him cut me out of his life gradually and at the time I couldn't understand why.  And that's where my AP side started to kick in.

All these things I addressed with him multiple times over many months and he'd be like "it's not like that. I'm not trying to avoid you." And looking back on it now (especially after reading about FAs) I think he felt like he was getting too close and was naturally pulling away, especially since he opened up to me and was vulnerable.

So it all came to a head one day when again, I tried to make plans with him and another mutual friend said, "oh yea he and I having been hanging out a lot." I blew up out of hurt rather than anger. My emotions were strong that day and I did yell, again out of pain and hurt. I was tired of the excuses and I couldn't believe it when he would say he didn't realize he was doing those things. I told him that he couldn't possibly be that oblivious. But again after reading about FAs I can now see that it is possible to not realize what they're doing since it is subconscious.

I feel bad now for not understanding his FA attachment. But I genuinely thought he was being an inconsiderate asshole.

We ended up speaking again (when I asked a mutual friend if she had heard from him and she decided to hit him up for me even though I told her not to) and I addressed some of the issues and he was receptive. He even took notes during our talk. And things started to go well again. However, this time I noticed that I was initiating all the convos. And then his responses became more and more spread apart. I texted him to ask if everything was good between us because I noticed he was pulling away again, and that if we could have an actual phone chat to catch up since our texts convos take weeks. He responded that he was "ok," that everything was good between us and that he was sorry for pulling away again and that we could talk another time. And then *poof* he disappeared a second time. This time it's been 3.5 months as of today.

The "ok" threw me off because he's never said he was "ok." It's ALWAYS been "good" or "chillin'." When he didn't respond to my check-ins texts or calls. I went no contact to give him space.

I just don't know if I should reach out again to say "hey I hope things are well" since it's already been 1.5 months since my last reach out. Or if I should wait until he reaches out. I hear mixed things from FAs saying a simple low-stakes text check-in where I state I'm not upset or anything and that he can reach out when he's ready. But then others say not to because it'll push them away even more.

I honestly don't know if I triggered him or if he's going through something or a combination of both. I do know he's been talking to another friend (whom I'm not close with) but I don't know how often. So I can't help but to think it's something I did.

"I hear mixed things from FAs saying a simple low-stakes text check-in where I state I'm not upset or anything and that he can reach out when he's ready. But then others say not to because it'll push them away even more."

I stand by what I said before about this. It doesn't push anyone away more unless they're already done with the connection, whether friendship or relationship. If you want to reach out occasionally, reach out, but stop trying to make decisions based on guesses as to how it will make him respond or react. Mind-reading and guessing where his boundaries are to compensate for his lack of ability to communicate is overfunctioning and unhealthy behavior on your side. It is codependency.

Also, do not apologize for anything to do with his FA, whether that's triggering him or not knowing or whatever. It doesn't matter if he's anxious or avoidant-leaning FA. The entire point of learning attachment theory is not to use it to "understand" someone else's behavior and then use that information to find the "correct" formula to control their reactions and get your friendship/relationship/connection needs met in ways they weren't previously. No. The point is for you to be able to understand that there's a lot he does that is about him not you, depersonalize it, and find out what your own wants, needs, and boundaries are in the friendship so you can tend to them yourself in a healthy way that isn't co-dependent. If anything, his FA mirrors your own issues back at you so you can learn where your own work can start. A lot of insecure relationships are great mirrors to look back on yourself rather than trying to completely figure the other person out. Understanding the typical dynamics of how FA are and how AP are, how the two styles typically interact, again, gives you an understanding of why you should depersonalize all of this and not overfunction so you can be healthier yourself. It's not to use the information to influence the other person into changing your dynamic. It's for you to grow and connect better with yourself so your interpersonal relationships are smoother and more satisfying, so you can be there for yourself without abandoning for yourself, so it's easier for you to deal with stress, so you have healthier boundaries and communication skills, etc. Or for you to recognize if you've outgrown a situation and should let go and walk away (with love), since you fully accept them for who they really are and accept that the situation doesn't work. The outcome is it eventually all allows you to also show up as a better friend or partner, after you've attended to your own issues. Kind of like, put on your own oxygen on the plane before helping others so you didn't pass out first and still can show up for others because you're still breathing and able to.

If you want to apologize to him, it would be for how you delivered your feelings, and that you should have been calmer and not blown up, but there's no reason to apologize for your feelings themselves because it was all true. You have tried to talk to him before, and there are aspects of your friendship that aren't working. You may not have had good tools to communicate to resolve it with him (since he doesn't have good tools either, which just makes it harder, which is why insecure messes happen that feel like dark rooms), but the blow up didn't come out of no where and your feelings are valid. Even if there was a better way to express them. No matter how well you expressed yourself doesn't mean it would have had any impact on the problems you two are having, because both people need to be willing and ABLE to problem-solve. AP try so hard to be the one and only person rowing the boat, but friendships nor relationships work that way. They are a two-way street. You can say your piece once (which you already did), see if anything changes, if it doesn't then reevaluate the friendship. It is okay to accept if you two simply have different needs that aren't compatible.

His FA and possible depression aren't your fault. You didn't cause it, you can't fix it for him, and how he's handling it is none of your business unless he wants to talk about it. That's why any apology should have nothing to do with your assumptions about how he feels, it's just focusing on yourself and what you're taking accountability for (you realize that you want to work on expressing your feelings better in general and are sorry you blew up). If you decide to apologize at all, which you also shouldn't do IF it's only to try to get a response. You should do it if you mean it and have zero attachment to the outcome ie even if he never responds you'll be okay because you wanted to apologize for its own sake.