Don't know what to do anymore

If it makes you feel better, it doesn't sound to me like the work was wasted time at all. You're extremely aware of the situation and dynamic and have made some really good decisions so far (not bringing children into an unstable situation). Getting back together wasn't necessarily a bad decision, as you got to see things through and find spots you're still working on. It sounds like you learned a lot from being together again, and it's made you think hard about what you actually want. Dating and relationships (prior to very serious commitment) are supposed to do just that, help you explore what you want and if the person you're with is the right partner for you.

One big thing to consider is this: in the past, you've been depressed and anxious being away from him due to the anxious attachment. So now that you are feeling badly again, you're assuming it's still your own anxiety speaking, your fear of abandonment, feeling the pull of avoidance, and all the things you were trying to work through on your side. However, I think this time around your anxiety is telling you something different and it is NOT due to anxious attachment. It is actually telling you that the situation is making you unhappy for a concrete reason, not due to past trauma getting projected, and that staying in a situation in which you have real doubts is creating anxiety that you are abandoning yourself this time. But with all that work you've done and increased self-esteem and security, you no longer feel okay with pushing all your own needs away to avoid a breakup and disconnection. You want to do what's right for yourself, but you're scared because it's scary for APs to leave relationships.

While it sounds to me like this relationship has run its course and you've outgrown it, it's up to you if you are willing to break up with him or not. Similar to anne's suggestion, write down what you want in life at this point. For example, do you ever want to have kids? If so, it doesn't sound like you want to have them with him, in which case, is staying with him going to help you meet your goals? Or are you comfortable never having children? Things like that, which will help you decide if staying with him is a short term bandaid to avoid breakup pain but will lead to more and more unhappiness as time goes on, in which case you should rip off the bandaid, mourn the relationship, process your emotions instead of getting stuck in them like last time when you were unaware AP without the tools from therapy, and open yourself up for the partner you truly want.

Most importantly, listen to your instincts about your concerns with him being a parent. It is REALLY important to choose the right partner to help you with all the responsibility, if you are aware and in a position to do so. Having someone who won't be in your corner is going to make your life a lot more difficult. There are men out there who are looking forward to being dads and will put in the effort to be part of a strong support system to raise a kid. If you don't trust that he will step up, that's a really, really good reason for a relationship to not work out. Because whether you even decide you want kids or not, a relationship in which you feel you don't or can't trust your partner in some way isn't healthy or safe.

I am wondering what type of man do you really want / need / think you deserve deep down ?

A more masculine or a more feminine leaning man ?

Of course it also depends if you in your core are more feminine or more masculine leaning

If you want a more masculine leaning man who wants to provide, then it is recommended that you learn how to receive as a woman. He can have a mix of maybe 20 % feminine and 80 % masculine energy ?

Aps gets in contact with their wounds from childhood, when they have to receive.

Also a lot of women needs to be in their masculine energy in todays society/ at work ect. which sometimes can make it challenging to switch into her more feminine energy after work / in her relationship with a man

You are also already taking care of your dad, which makes me think it would be nice to have a supportive partner, if you dare to let a man in and support you ?!

How would it feel to you/in your body if a man said to you: “I can see that you are under a lot of stress. It’s okay. You can lean on me. Will you let me be your rock and let me support you and take care of you right now ?”
You can try to notice/track your body sensations …and see what comes up…

Also being under a lot of stress, can make difficult to let love in, because you are in survival mode

Reading these lines actually made me cry.

This is basically one of my deepest longings and why I also started working with a male therapist who can (at least to some extent) provide this masculine "I am here, this is a safe space, you are allowed to just be yourself" energy which I have never experienced in my life (very early divorce of my parents, a stepfather who didn't particularly like me and vice versa). I am used to women being the ones I can lean onto in hard times, but never men. 

My partner has a strong feminine side which he likes to suppress though, he grew up in a belief system where men are not allowed to cry, always need to be hard on themselves and others, talking about feelings is considered wrong and weird etc.

Thank you for all the helpful links and threads. I am just reading through everything, and it makes a lot of sense to me (or fits my current situation). 

Thread about how to listen to your intuition esperanta

jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/1970/intuition

There are 3 types of intuition:

Your bodily intuition:
Your bodily intuition is the part that we call our belly sensation/the gut. But the body has no language. Our body senses. We read other people and the outside world with our body. We enter a meeting room and sense a mood. We listen to others and sense if they do not speak the true.
The most basic tool is to know your "yes" and your "no" in the body. The first is your truth signal, your "yes". It is your body that tells you that this is the right choice. When the body says "yes" you will typically experience it as a sense of expansion in the body. Your chest opens up. You straighten your body. You can experience chills in different places on the body. Your body feels lighter and full of energy. When you notice your body's "yes" reactions, you will begin to feel feelings, such as joy, curiosity, security, calmness and serenity. You can feel something is the right decision because it feels good, calm and safe.
The second signal is your warning signal. It's your body that says "no". You can feel that your system is contracting. Your body collapses a little. The stomach contracts. Often, a no feeling is empty. Your bodily intuition tells you that this is not the right solution.

The more you notice your body's signals, the easier it will be for you to make the right decisions. Many of us have been accustomed to ignoring our body signals. We have learned to base important decisions solely on logic. In fact, listening to what the body tells you is far more sustainable and strategically wise.

Your cognitive intuition
Our brains have two sides, the left and the right half. In our society, we have been brought up to primarily use our left brain. It is the part of the brain that thinks logically and rationally. It is really good at solving problems. To weigh for and against. To think things through an extra time. You use your left brain when you solve problems, write to-do lists or research on the Internet. For most of us there is a non-stop inner dialogue from we wake up until we fall asleep at night. It is the left hemisphere that is active.
Our cognitive intuition is primarily located in the right hemisphere. Our right brain half perceives and processes emotions, sensations, music and art. Right brain half thinks holistically and creatively, but it is without language. Right brain half communicates in pictures, in visions and music. The right hemisphere typically presents us with a solid solution.
If you want a greater access to your overall potential, then you must consciously learn to draw on both the right and left brain. A simple exercise is to take a piece of paper and write down a problem that you would like a solution to. Your left hemisphere job is to take notes that come from your right hemisphere. The most important thing is that, without judging, you write down everything that comes to you. Try it and you'll be surprised at what answers you get.

Your emotional intuition
Our heart is an important tool for strengthening our intuition. At the HeartMath Institute, scientists have found a concept that they call heart coherence - which means "to be logical, coherent, consistent and understandable". When there are similarities between our three intuitive systems: body, brain and heart, we experience heart coherence.
Heart coherence activates feelings of calm, coherence, attachment to others and security. You can train your ability to experience heart coherence.
…..

It sounds like he does not have the testicular fortitude to do the job and end it. You have agency here as well, and can choose to end it. It doesn’t mean he gets off scot free, he will continue with his insecure attachment style for years (or in my case decades) aimlessly wandering through peoples lives.
You, on the other hand, are looking to change so this doesn’t happen again.