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Post by ocarina on Jan 17, 2018 11:34:17 GMT
Yes Summer that's pretty much what it was like - and then after prolonged periods apart I just didn't feel close enough to him to want to be physically intimate so it created distance in me. ~His previous partners hung around and drove things - I left and am sure that's why he is still so obsessed.
I always remember someone saying to me: "Two things in life you can't force - a pony tail and a relationship" - makes me laugh but also remember it's true - you can't pretzel yourself or anyone else into a relationship. Or at least not a happy one.
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Post by summer on Jan 17, 2018 13:22:39 GMT
Yes Summer that's pretty much what it was like - and then after prolonged periods apart I just didn't feel close enough to him to want to be physically intimate so it created distance in me. ~His previous partners hung around and drove things - I left and am sure that's why he is still so obsessed. I always remember someone saying to me: "Two things in life you can't force - a pony tail and a relationship" - makes me laugh but also remember it's true - you can't pretzel yourself or anyone else into a relationship. Or at least not a happy one. What is so irritating about my DA is that he advertised "relationship" with his early treatment of me. Pursuing me, then dazzling me with his personality and his tenderness. He behaved very much like someone who is in love, and I was just mesmerized by him. I thought he was the greatest. I fell in love right back. Then the DA behaviors started up, and I didn't know what to make of it. I've wondered many times what would happen if I simply dropped the reigns and stopped taking the initiative on planning our time together... if I just left it all up to him. Would he then be forced to step up and get into the drivers seat? According to your telling of it, Ocarina, he would instead just do nothing and the relationship would stall. Interesting. I don't think mine is that severely DA - I do think he would get in touch - but it wouldn't be soon enough for me. And I'm the sure the same thing would happen that happened with you - feeling disconnected and just not very close to them anymore. I heard a great quote on a You Tube channel by a life coach named Susan Winter. She said that people who run in hot and cold cycles, and do all these types of distancing strategies... these folks can be perfectly lovely people, but they just don't have the skill set for a relationship. This is how I feel about my DA. He is a great guy, terrible boyfriend. I have no doubt he's a perfectly good friend, coworker, brother, son, neighbor, roommate. But when it comes to a serious relationship, he just doesn't have the skills. |
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Post by ocarina on Jan 17, 2018 13:34:24 GMT
My ex would get in touch so nothing completely stalled - just at the last minute, so if I genuinely got on with my own life I wouldn't be free.
I feel much more alive without him in my life in a romantic sense. Have you ever thought your bf is on the autistic spectrum Summer? I have suspicions that mine is - and many of the behaviours fit.
In the end my ex contacted me mid morning today = on the day we should have met, to ask if I was free Friday instead. (I had given him the option of either day and he chose today).Am now away Friday and then holiday for 10 days and travelling on and off for the rest of February. He sounded astounded at that.
He works alone from home and has assignments with deadlines that come in and need completing within x hours or x days - as a result nothing can be planned if only because he needs to work and never knows when this will happen. When I split from him we were on holiday, he spent most of the time in a supermarket carpark looking for 4G so he could work. He thinks he work also gives him freedom and never says no to it.
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Post by mrob on Jan 27, 2018 1:28:27 GMT
It’s certainly not comfortable seeing all these reflections of my actions on others.
I’m terrible with time and messing people around. I had no idea it could come from this, although it makes perfect sense.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 28, 2018 11:27:25 GMT
Yes Summer that's pretty much what it was like - and then after prolonged periods apart I just didn't feel close enough to him to want to be physically intimate so it created distance in me. ~His previous partners hung around and drove things - I left and am sure that's why he is still so obsessed. I always remember someone saying to me: "Two things in life you can't force - a pony tail and a relationship" - makes me laugh but also remember it's true - you can't pretzel yourself or anyone else into a relationship. Or at least not a happy one. Yes yes yes!! I totally can identify with this. It came to a point where he was not telling me his travel schedule (we are Long distance) and I had to keep time for him but he wouldn’t tell me exactly when he was here. I just stopped asking and he would say oh I’m sorry I thought I told you. Here are the dates. But I no longer feel close to him and being intimate with him requires me gathering the mental resources to just deal with it. Funnily, he now reaches out to me when asleep when in the past he would sleep on his own side of the bed, back against me. I had to spoon him if I wanted a cuddle. |
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Post by SpeakCzar on Sept 6, 2023 2:04:30 GMT
My ex liked to say "I might come over"....that gave him an out if he decided to do something else instead.. |
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Post by Deleted on Sept 6, 2023 2:25:42 GMT
My ex liked to say "I might come over"....that gave him an out if he decided to do something else instead. [br Frncepost used to say “if my friends aren’t doing anything then I’ll let you know” as a nice reminder that I am far, far below her friends in terms of who she’s going to be hanging out with that night. Forget ever hearing from the fence post if it was a weekend (read Thursday- Sunday). Fence post couldn’t grasp the idea of making plans with me regardless if their friends were doing anything or if there was a party, just a non-option and encroached on the fence posts independence She was a college kid, and you admitted in your posts that it was emotionally immature of you to try to form a serious relationship with her being so young, not even finished with brain development at her age! So much for living in abundance, you are choosing instead to victim-rant. You aren't actually a victim, you were immature and so was she. Now you just sound mean and forgetful of reality... she wasn't ready and you knew it. |
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Post by SpeakCzar on Sept 6, 2023 15:39:11 GMT
[br Frncepost used to say “if my friends aren’t doing anything then I’ll let you know” as a nice reminder that I am far, far below her friends in terms of who she’s going to be hanging out with that night. Forget ever hearing from the fence post if it was a weekend (read Thursday- Sunday). Fence post couldn’t grasp the idea of making plans with me regardless if their friends were doing anything or if there was a party, just a non-option and encroached on the fence posts independence She was a college kid, and you admitted in your posts that it was emotionally immature of you to try to form a serious relationship with her being so young, not even finished with brain development at her age! So much for living in abundance, you are choosing instead to victim-rant. You aren't actually a victim, you were immature and so was she. Now you just sound mean and forgetful of reality... she wasn't ready and you knew it. I'm being vindictive in my post, appreciate you calling me out on that. She is an adult, age is not an excuse to treat people with disrespect or disregard. I can admit my fault in not ending it sooner, as you put, "not seeing the forest for the trees". It was in alignment with my values and goals to pursue a serious committed relationship, doing that I don't regret doing, and just because of her age I wouldn't change that ideal. If I am to blame for taking her word for it, that she was committed to that ideal too, then it is insofar that I willfully ignored other signs that pointed to that she was not and attached regardless, and for that I take responsibility. Using fencepost is just a way for me to avoid using her name, just a random word. This is not a victim rant, this was an observation that I had made. I should have made it more clear that the most important piece of the information in this post is that I learned to have that boundary for myself, that in a mutually committed relationship, two people should prioritize spending time with each other. |
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Post by Deleted on Sept 6, 2023 15:51:36 GMT
I beg to differ, when you're talking about a 20 year old woman age is a factor in decision making and behavior, as her brain is not fully developed for another few years.
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Post by Deleted on Sept 6, 2023 15:53:42 GMT
And I appreciate and respect the fact that you realize that your own approach is the one to focus on, you made mistakes and so did she. Have as much compassion for her as you do for yourself and you will be free to grow into someone capable of choosing a good partner for a secure relationship. Anger has a place but so does forgiveness and moving on from what didn't work for a variety of reasons. It doesn't have to be her fault.
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Post by SpeakCzar on Sept 7, 2023 1:52:48 GMT
And I appreciate and respect the fact that you realize that your own approach is the one to focus on, you made mistakes and so did she. Have as much compassion for her as you do for yourself and you will be free to grow into someone capable of choosing a good partner for a secure relationship. Anger has a place but so does forgiveness and moving on from what didn't work for a variety of reasons. It doesn't have to be her fault. The problem I have with emphasizing her age in the equation is it would be an easy concession to make, as in, “she’s young, if I just wait for her to grow up, she’ll treat me how one ought to treat someone, with respect” That’s a fallacy, regardless of her age, she’s unable to treat her partner with any sort of respect or dignity, *right now*. Not in whatever idealized or fantasized version of her I’m hypothetically waiting to “grow up” and turn the corner. And actually, that’s precisely what I did, and the behavior and treatment I made this precise excuse for robbed me of my self respect and esteem. As you’ve pointed out, the only thing that matters in this equation is why I not only stayed for a year but took her back in the first place. That is where my answers lie. Something like this. She clearly shows I’m about as low as her priority list as I can possibly be, somewhere nobody who respects themself as one part of the whole that is a relationship should find themselves. Rather than maintain my self respect and call it out, I gave the excuse that she’s young. So where did I stay? Right at the bottom. That does something to a man overtime. I’m not struggling with the break up. I’m struggling with the whiplash of being discarded harshly one moment and weeks later being begged via email back. It’s completely disorientating and leaves me feeling a bit confused. It’s almost like I have to make her decision for her. But I know that’s not the right way to go about it. The right way is to look at what’s best for me, and that is to find someone who can treat me how someone ought to treat their partner. Again, with respect and dignity, something that I am willing, able, and ready to do for my partner also. |
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Post by Deleted on Sept 7, 2023 2:19:49 GMT
There's no reason to assume that when she gets older she will be an appropriate partner. But at 20, in college and you aren't? Two different worlds, lifestyles, maturity levels (presumed).
And yes- you accept her as she is and make a decision for yourself. You will get over it, and in time be able to move on from it.
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Post by Deleted on Sept 7, 2023 2:22:26 GMT
NOTE:
Choose a partner for the reality of them, not for the potential you imagine. Never for potential. That's a fantasy. Live and learn.
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Post by SpeakCzar on Sept 7, 2023 2:24:12 GMT
There's no reason to assume that when she gets older she will be an appropriate partner. But at 20, in college and you aren't? Two different worlds, lifestyles, maturity levels (presumed). And yes- you accept her as she is and make a decision for yourself. You will get over it, and in time be able to move on from it. I actually am in college, but I get what you mean. I had made attempts to transfer schools to her school, but she was walled off and avoided any conversation about the possibility. |
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Post by SpeakCzar on Sept 7, 2023 2:26:31 GMT
There's no reason to assume that when she gets older she will be an appropriate partner. But at 20, in college and you aren't? Two different worlds, lifestyles, maturity levels (presumed). And yes- you accept her as she is and make a decision for yourself. You will get over it, and in time be able to move on from it. And for the record, for her sake, I really hope she grows into someone capable of intimate and vulnerable relationships. As it is right now, she can’t, and based on her inability to take accountability for her avoidance and lack of empathy, she likely won’t for while. As you and I both noted, it’s not right to expect her to grow into that anytime soon, if at all. If she turns that corner and decides to contact me in sincerity and not manic hysterics, then I might be open to chat, in the highly unlikely event I haven’t found someone. |
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