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Post by ocarina on Jan 16, 2018 18:43:28 GMT
My ex FA/DA boyfriend asked last week if we could meet - said that he'd been wanting to do this for a long time, that he wanted to talk. My initial reaction was to say no having spent the last few months really working myself into a state of equanimity - however I know that as an FA I will run rather than discuss and that at the end of our relationship I did just that and never really allowed him to speak although he tried.
With this in mind we arranged to meet tomorrow - I have a full on job and family commitments so finding time is never easy. Agreed on the day and he said he would be in contact to sort the when and wheres.
It's now early evening the night before and still nothing. The pattern that I was aware of in our relationship is that he would never ever let me know until just before the time when quite often I had organised something else. Tomorrow is my only free day of the week - and if he phones half way through the day I will either have put my day on hold waiting for him or gone off and done something else.
I am no longer emotionally invested - but interested to know, has anyone else experienced this repeatedly and how do you deal with it? Get on with your own plans or hang around and let the resentment brew. Or do the organising yourself?
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jan 16, 2018 19:17:27 GMT
As a general rule, if something is important, I make definite plans and expect the same from others if they need some of my time, they need to communicate to me what they need.
You might send a quick text or call and say something like, "You mentioned you wanted to meet up, I'd like to give you some time. Is there a specific time you had in mind? "
It opens up the conversation to plan. It acknowledges his need for some fact time but also makes it clear that you have other things to do as well. If he doesn't respond, well, then you have a life to live, I personally wouldn't put things on hold. Time is precious.
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lucy
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Post by lucy on Jan 16, 2018 19:18:29 GMT
Oh how it used to drive me crazy...in a way I calmed down when he stopped doing anything with me in the day time (always too busy), so all our arrangements were in the evenings, and I was able to stop asking when, as it was usually 8pm. He was always fully in charge of when I would see him again. If I knew 2days in advance that was amazing. Often he'd tell me only a few hours in advance that he was free. I used to find it very upsetting and disrespectful. I used to refer to myself as his 'on call' . We broke up one month ago. Part of me relieved, and yet I do want to get back together.
I wish you good luck for tomorrow. Hope he will message you soon with a time , and that the chat will help you find some closure
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lucy
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Post by lucy on Jan 16, 2018 19:21:57 GMT
I did read that the last minute planning is a DA trait. My ex was able to plan ahead with anyone , but me, which was obviously very upsetting. But then its just another way of keeping your partner at a distance sadly
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Post by abolish on Jan 16, 2018 19:50:39 GMT
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damascena
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pregnant, alone and deceived.
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Post by damascena on Jan 16, 2018 20:07:14 GMT
Mine was exactly like this. Everything had to be on his terms. Everything had to be last minute. I found it super disrespectful. Ironically, if I was ever so much as ten minutes late he'd be calling me to demand to know my estimated time of arrival.
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Post by ocarina on Jan 16, 2018 20:37:44 GMT
Good to know I am not alone in this - it must be some kind of need to control and retain personal freedom - although that freedom is ironically some kind of mad illusion in his head since it leads to self sabotage, wrecking of relationships etc
It did make our relationship difficult to manage in practical terms - if I tried to pin him down re times he would be elusive - if I just got on and did my own thing, we would never see each other and he thought I was being elusive. Lose lose situation - interesting to see how being avoidant seeps into a person and affects so many parts of life that it ends up becoming them - or they becoming it.
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Post by abolish on Jan 16, 2018 20:48:10 GMT
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Post by ocarina on Jan 16, 2018 21:03:53 GMT
Good to know I am not alone in this - it must be some kind of need to control and retain personal freedom - although that freedom is ironically some kind of mad illusion in his head since it leads to self sabotage, wrecking of relationships etc
It did make our relationship difficult to manage in practical terms - if I tried to pin him down re times he would be elusive - if I just got on and did my own thing, we would never see each other and he thought I was being elusive. Lose lose situation - interesting to see how being avoidant seeps into a person and affects so many parts of life that it ends up becoming them - or they becoming it. Absolutely, they're paranoid about freedom and independence even when they have it as much as they want. It's a shield often used as an excuse. Their reasoning sometimes seems as if everyone were onto them, just to take it away from them. I've noticed a lot of things resolves around it. Everything wrong I "did" was somehow connected to it, even though it'd be a ridiculous reasoning for anyone else. As soon as the obsessive or unconscious need for something becomes a driver behaviour wise, you've lost your freedom to choose how to react and behave. It kind of makes me smile that his need for freedom fuels the need to control life experience and is the one thing that's actually preventing him from experiencing real liberation! |
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Post by summer on Jan 16, 2018 22:03:15 GMT
My ex FA/DA boyfriend asked last week if we could meet - said that he'd been wanting to do this for a long time, that he wanted to talk. My initial reaction was to say no having spent the last few months really working myself into a state of equanimity - however I know that as an FA I will run rather than discuss and that at the end of our relationship I did just that and never really allowed him to speak although he tried. With this in mind we arranged to meet tomorrow - I have a full on job and family commitments so finding time is never easy. Agreed on the day and he said he would be in contact to sort the when and wheres. It's now early evening the night before and still nothing. The pattern that I was aware of in our relationship is that he would never ever let me know until just before the time when quite often I had organised something else. Tomorrow is my only free day of the week - and if he phones half way through the day I will either have put my day on hold waiting for him or gone off and done something else.
I am no longer emotionally invested - but interested to know, has anyone else experienced this repeatedly and how do you deal with it? Get on with your own plans or hang around and let the resentment brew. Or do the organising yourself? Oh boy. I had to reply to this one. As soon as I saw the title of this thread I about spit out my tea I was laughing so hard, and note how many people have already responded. This has definitely touched a nerve! Thank you so much for starting this thread - it gives me so much relief to hear others sharing that they are dealing with the same behaviors. And now I finally have a definite explanation for why my DA boyfriend of 6 months is so flaky with time. It's been such a running theme in our relationship. For example, I have to pin him down at the end of a date and get him to commit to the next day we are going to see each other. Otherwise, I can bet you he wouldn't bother reaching out to see if I'm free until the last minute. My life would be in perpetual limbo, wondering when I was going to see my boyfriend again or even talk to him. Once we have a day established, guaranteed I will be the one to follow up. I learned early on that planning the night before is just too much to ask of him. So I will usually end up texting the morning of the day we are supposed to see each other, to finalize plans. I end up resenting that I am usually the one taking the initiative, not him. Oh, he would eventually reach out, but it wouldn't be until the last minute, by which point I would be seething with anger. Just not worth it. This pattern started up only a few weeks into our relationship, and was definitely a major red flag. This has driven me INSANE at times. It really has. It's such a relief to hear that it's all part of him being DA. |
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Post by ocarina on Jan 16, 2018 22:22:27 GMT
Summer I feel your pain!
It kind of makes me laugh in hindsight - once I went away on a course and he was umming and ahhing about coming too - in the end I used to just leave him to it and get on with my own thing. I went, had a really good time staying in a great hotel by the sea, was driving home and I had an sms from him saying he was on his way! only four days late....
The thing about all of this is that unless you give up your own life to hang around waiting for your partner you really only have a non existent relationship. I found that once I found myself so to speak I wanted to be able to plan my life, to have it full of the things I love and not to be left resentful and in limbo.
Baffling how this last minute thing can continue even when I had asked on multiple occasions. Some things never change!
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Post by ocarina on Jan 16, 2018 22:24:24 GMT
And yes - never organises when we will see each other next even though we had been together for six years and he assured me - still does, that he never wants to be with anyone else. Bizarre.
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Post by fatalcharm on Jan 16, 2018 22:38:36 GMT
It's more like reluctance to commit to plans until the last minute.
Mine lived 3 hours away, so that made it really hard. It was often down to "I'll let you know that morning".
Even when we made concrete plans there was always the looming feeling (and possibility) that she'd cancel last minute.
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Post by tnr9 on Jan 16, 2018 23:17:18 GMT
My ex liked to say "I might come over"....that gave him an out if he decided to do something else instead.
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Post by summer on Jan 16, 2018 23:37:59 GMT
Summer I feel your pain! It kind of makes me laugh in hindsight - once I went away on a course and he was umming and ahhing about coming too - in the end I used to just leave him to it and get on with my own thing. I went, had a really good time staying in a great hotel by the sea, was driving home and I had an sms from him saying he was on his way! only four days late.... The thing about all of this is that unless you give up your own life to hang around waiting for your partner you really only have a non existent relationship. I found that once I found myself so to speak I wanted to be able to plan my life, to have it full of the things I love and not to be left resentful and in limbo.
Baffling how this last minute thing can continue even when I had asked on multiple occasions. Some things never change! Ocarina, Are you saying that in your experience, dating someone like this requires you to give up your own life and wait around on the DA, because if you just get on with your own thing and don't worry about them, or chase after them to spend time together, the relationship will be nonexistent? Meaning if you don't bend over backwards to accommodate their flakiness, and aversion to planning, and you don't initiate plans and do all the follow-thru, then you will hardly see them? Is this your experience? |
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