Need some support- having serious talk with FA tonight

thank you so much for these very kind and wise words. I do not see him as the bad guy, just as much as I do not see myself as a victim, i just loved him so much and had hoped he felt the same. he told me once that he only felt love for another person 1 time in his life and that it was a very fleeting feeling. in a way, i need to remember that he is hurting and struggles as well.

Kristyrose, i know what you mean. That’s how i felt leaving my ex, also avoidant.
I had grown so much during the course of the relationship, and what i learned was how it felt to love in a truer and deeper sense.
But it was only possible because of a more tender and compassionate stance toward myself, coupled with the courage i found to be more authentically me. In the end, it really was my best traits that enabled me to let go, or at least become willing to let go and work toward that... my love and understanding of myself prevailed and allowed me to leave without hatred. In some ways that was more difficult but it was pure enough to facilitate real growth and healing in me.
But nothing changes that feeling when you are looking at the charred remains of what you thought was... but wasn’t.
Let this be your epiphany that inspires your own fearless journey into your own heart.
Be gentle with yourself and just grieve it.

I feel that I have grown so much with this relationship as well. If there are any takeaways, one would be it made me face my anxious attachment style in a more head-on way and get real with how I show up to relationships. No one has ever triggered me like this, however, I now can see that it was a good thing because it made me slow down, be patient and love someone purely for maybe the first time in my life. He become someone I did not need, just someone I wanted and loved in a very pure way. I do not regret a moment of feeling that, because it felt so real to try and understand him, whilst working on myself. It taught me a lot about my own capacity to love, it is far greater than I knew. 

p.s. while i was typing this, a text came in from my ex asking about my morning and telling me about his. I know it is because I haven't been reaching out since our talk, he always is able to sense when i'm trying to focus on myself. 

Kristyrose, i reflected on this some more and you may or may not be able to relate-
Because of the genuine growth and insight I experienced during the course of this relationship, i felt a real sense of indignance when I realized that in spite of my sincerity and raw effort, the relationship just couldn’t be sustained in a healthy way.
It was a hard blow, sent me reeling the same way you described.
I am coming to terms with it, and find hope in the belief that I too have a much deeper capacity for love than I realized. 
On the other hand, there is a real sense of shutting down and going it alone that appeals to me too. 
So i continue to be conflicted, which is really natural at this point of a grief process for anyone I think.

I can totally relate actually! I started feeling this way for the past month or so, which then prompted me to have this conversation that I was absolutely dreading!!! I knew deep down it could end things, but I had gotten to a point where going along with a sort of non-reality with my ex, was too much of a betrayal to myself. Too painful. 

And, as much as I would love for him to want to work on things, there is this feeling I also have of shutting down and wanting to be alone. Friends keep telling me to try and date now, but I know that I cannot give anyone any love right now; i need to give it to the person who needs it to the most, me.

I love this quote by Anais Nin: "And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom"

thank YOU for sharing yours as well and for the amazing support.

When I read your post a bit ago I started to think what I'd feel comfortable with. 

I basically would be fine with carrying on how we do now, even with the friends title, however, that fact that he says he is not actively dating, just open to it, makes me feel like some sort of contingency plan. Like once he finds the perfect one, I will be given my termination papers so to speak. 

I realize asking him to carry on with me in the same way, as "friends" now, but not date others is the same as asking him to be in a relationship with me. So, I guess there is no way I can think of that could work. Now if he were to say he's not interested in dating others for a time, then I may consider still hanging out as we are, until one of us is ready to actually start dating and/or really move on,  then we part ways. That also sounds a bit unrealistic, however, I just can't fathom him being with someone else right now. Hurts too much.

he said if we continue to hang out, it is with the understanding we can both date and we must tell the other person if we decide we are ready to be physical with said person.

That to me sounds so incredibly awful, i definitely can't do that.