Need some support- having serious talk with FA tonight

been thinking about you as i go about my day Kristyrose.  we are in a similar spot, mine is not quite as fresh but still fresh enough to be uncomfortable.
i catch myself playing all kinds of mental games with myself, to avoid finality.  frustrating.  there is nothing in me that wants to reach out and fix things, it’s just there in my mind as if it isn’t really over.  
I haven’t been through a relationship or breakup of this nature and today is just not a great day. 
anyway, thinking of you too.  One day at a time. 

oh, that sounds hard.
I typically don’t stay away from the place my ex and i have in common and just take a run-in in stride if it happens, but i realize that this weekend i need to keep the distance and let things sink in. Let it be real. We have been able to pull back together with no real change (just relief) and I know that time has passed for me. I know that’s a sign of getting healthier, but i feel like i am in some kind of slowed down time warp or something. Like....here it is. this is the new normal. yep, this is it.
sitting with feelings but i am not sure what they are.
sharing the experience here helps, and i am not trying to make it about me i am just offering myself as a comrade to you. knowing that i am doing this the best way i can and you are too.
Hugs and high fives!

I’m sorry he has amped up the contact and is being so casual, AS IF you could be excited about going to a long planned event facing the rejection you feel. 
I recognize the behavior, as one of my own defenses.  That’s actually why i want to pull back and not play those games with his head and my head.  I understand that that kind of behavior in me is completely defensive and putting a bandaid over a serious wound.  It’s true that it has worked for me in the past to soothe my ego and get me by, but that doesn’t fit with the growth i have undergone and it makes me feel icky and dishonest and like i am losing ground emotionally.  And it’s just not good for either of us.  
Thats why it’s a rough day, i am physically and emotionally tired and am trying to deny myself quick fixes.  not every day is rough, some days i have a brighter or at least more balanced perspective. 
The practical stuff like good self care and healthy habits really are going to make a difference this time, if i can just get through days like this without backtracking too much.  at the same time trying to be gentle with myself and allow the process. 
sometimes there’s just nothing to do but be with it. 

Yeah it is so hard to understand why he does this, reaches out even more. I'm trying to understand and not assume he is doing anything hurtful on purpose, but it comes across as insensitive. i want to hear from him of course, but i have to protect myself because it gets my hopes up again that he truly can't be away from me.

I really truly admire how you are handling your feelings. The fact that you catch yourself when you feel the pull towards old habits is really amazing. I am learning to do the same! It takes a lot of work,but starts to get easier over time. 

the self care is ideal for times like these. I think being with it, is truly all we can do. i like to literally just take one day at a time. i tend to think about the future, the weeks to come, the days etc., but taking one day at a time takes the pressure off.

Kristyrose, i don’t believe he is intentionally trying to hurt you.
When i have done something like that it really has been an attempt to distance myself from feelings. It’s kind of acting as if everything is better than it is.
i really can’t speak for him of course, our situations are different in that i am more in your position this time around than his! it’s confusing, all of it.

More later, i have to work for a bit

i know i have abandonment issues triggered even when i end things and that impacts my behavior quite a bit.

i am struggling with a block of feelings i don’t have a name for.

i literally don’t know what it is but it is painful.
conflicted.

going to rest from it for a little bit!
big hugs. i appreciate you so much.

thank you kristyrose, i was trying to rest but i am thinking instead.
when i stop trying to tell myself how i SHOULD be feeling, i realize it’s simple sadness and disappointment.
I rarely feel anxious these days, because i generally have a lot of confidence in things working out in the big picture and enjoy most challenges, so what i am feeling is more a let down feeling.
I also feel a little bit of shame about not having this figured out yet when other people seem to. I have a lot of competencies but this not one.

on the other hand, i do remind myself how far i have come and that this is just another stage.
and it’s just a portion of my life, i am able and do compartmentalize but i don’t think that is necessarily bad because it makes things manageable if there is something very difficult, and it has made me able to accomplish things while hurting. that’s been very helpful through the trauma i have had.

I am remembering something he said when i broke it off. He is even more avoidant than i am so it was kind of stunning. He said, you make ending this look so easy. I was so surprised. I thought he could see me bleeding out.

I feel sad that he thinks i had such an easy time walking away from him, but trying to explain it to him puts us on the merry go round. I did tell him it was wrenching but that i had to stop investing in what was providing no security to me.
So, i know he is hurting and he has told me he misses so much about me but deals with it by keeping busy.
i know he is hurting a lot and i wish we both were better.

I also appreciate you so much. I have not had such a painful ending before and i have always been quite stoic about things, to people around me.
Today i told a friend how much i was hurting and she was so supportive too. She’s the only one i told so far, it’s been a month. I am glad i am not dealing with it all by myself. i mean, i told people i broke up with him but didn’t say how i really felt about it. i haven’t even told my therapist yet because i was working so hard on my issues i thought it would work. i don’t want to talk to her yet because i feel somehow embarrassed.
i don’t feel embarrassed about my effort i feel embarrassed about my optimism.

Also i feel mad about some things on the forum that i encountered when i got here but i hope it’s behind me so i can just continue to be here, i feel so sad.