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Post by kristyrose on Jan 19, 2018 19:24:43 GMT
Hi Everyone,
So today is finally the day me and my ex FA are going to sit down and talk about the state of things. A lot of you know my story, but for those who don't I will lay it out and concise as possible.
In april of last year he broke up with after 2 yrs of dating because he claimed we fought too much and he didn't have strong enough feelings for me to try and work it out. I was devastated and went NC for almost 2 months. During that time he reached out a lot, finally sending me an angry text about how he was hurting too and that I was making it worse for him. At any rate, I went to his house, we talked and essentially started dating again since last May. During the past 9 months we have barely had one argument, we get along great, he is more open with me, we go on dates, we spend the night at each others houses, we have toothbrushes at each others houses, we text daily, we see each other 3 times a week on average.
Ok, so in early Dec he sent me a long text saying he felt that we should make a greater effort to move on more, that he is unhappy being stuck in limbo, but that he was not drawing a line in the sand. I tried to have a talk with him then, to get clarity because it did seem to be a line in the sand, however he would not talk to me, so I went NC for 10 days. He came back and we became even closer than ever, spending more time than ever. So, I figured at this point its time to have a talk. I mean, this has been beyond crazy making as we are back together, however I did not want to burst the lovely bubble we were in so I told him i needed a talk, but that was 2 weeks ago, I kept putting it off.
Well last night, he texted me about hanging out saturday, I said i can't, have plans how about tomorrow, he said OK< but no sleepover. I asked why and he told me to refer to the moving on text from early dec. Well, this was a trigger for me, I told him we should talk tonight then and he agreed but keeps saying is this gonna make us feel weird or upset? I told him I hope not but I woke up so nervous, barely slept.
Basically I wanted to tell him that its obvious neither one of us is ready to move on, we are happy being together, can we just be together with no pressure, and just work with each of our needs? I'm moving towards secure so the space and distance no longer trigger me like before, what triggers me is his insistence that we are not together. Now I fear he will just run, but he always comes back. Not sure if the talk is worth it due to timing, but now I feel like he's pushed the issue.
Kicking myself for waiting too long and very nervous today. Bad butterflies and worried I will lose my footing during our talk.
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Post by kristyrose on Jan 19, 2018 21:47:24 GMT
Hi comeheregoaway,
Thank you so much for reading my post and providing some advice and support.
I just read the article and it resonated with me in many ways. I have done A LOT of work on myself and have also spent a great deal of time learning more about my ex's attachment style and his needs as well. I do feel I can approach our relationship with a new set of eyes and a new mindset. My biggest concern is that he is still very wedded to the idea that things will be the same and he will feel engulfed and trapped. I feel that I have in many ways shown him these past 9 months that I can let things just "be" and can continue to carry on in that same manner, provided we can both agree on some new terms.
I pray he is receptive, and my only glimmer of hope is that not only does he keep consistently spending time with me and initiating plans, but he is actually willing to talk tonight and hear me out. Those are positives I will try and keep with me during our talk.
Also, your advice on focusing on the content is perfect! I need to just keep the emotion out, stay with the facts, my beliefs and know that is all I can do and control.
Many thanks for this!
btw, i do use xanax as well, but can only take at night, makes me too sleepy!
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Post by Jaeger on Jan 19, 2018 21:52:27 GMT
I'm moving towards secure so the space and distance no longer trigger me like before, what triggers me is his insistence that we are not together. I just wanted to mention that another part of secure behaviour is placing clear boundaries and acting upon them when the dynamic between you and another person isn't healthy. Reading your posts I worry whether or not this is the case. Do with that little observation what you will and I wish you happiness with whichever choice you make. |
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Post by yasmin on Jan 19, 2018 21:52:52 GMT
All the advice I can give you is to love yourself as much as him. You're a fantastic person and you deserve to be happy
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Post by kristyrose on Jan 19, 2018 22:10:22 GMT
I'm moving towards secure so the space and distance no longer trigger me like before, what triggers me is his insistence that we are not together. I just wanted to mention that another part of secure behaviour is placing clear boundaries and acting upon them when the dynamic between you and another person isn't healthy. Reading your posts I worry whether or not this is the case. Do with that little observation what you will and I wish you happiness with whichever choice you make. Hi Jaeger, Thank you for the observation. You are right, I do not have clear boundaries with my ex, I'm hoping to establish them in this talk. I think creating boundaries scares me because i believe somehow it will push him away forever, however, as you pointed out having boundaries and acting on them is part of being secure. I will definitely keep your words in mind, definitely. Many thanks! |
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Post by kristyrose on Jan 19, 2018 22:13:52 GMT
All the advice I can give you is to love yourself as much as him. You're a fantastic person and you deserve to be happy   Yasmin you make me well up! Thanks so much for your never-ending support. Means a lot to me. |
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Post by tnr9 on Jan 19, 2018 22:17:25 GMT
Sorry I am late to this thread Kristyrose...I really don't have any advice...but I am here for you....cheering you on from the sidelines. No matter how it goes...know that you have done your very best and it would not be because of you that he would walk away...it would be due to his own insecurity....and that you don't own.
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Post by kristyrose on Jan 19, 2018 22:25:45 GMT
Sorry I am late to this thread Kristyrose...I really don't have any advice...but I am here for you....cheering you on from the sidelines. No matter how it goes...know that you have done your very best and it would not be because of you that he would walk away...it would be due to his own insecurity....and that you don't own. Hi tnr9! No need to be sorry, I am so appreciative of all your support throughout my time on these boards!! Just knowing I am being heard here and that others understand and support me, means the world to me! Thank you so much for your kindness, always. |
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Post by Deleted on Jan 20, 2018 6:03:14 GMT
Hey kristyrose,
good luck with the talk! I think one very good thing to keep in mind is that - if he runs, the world will not collapse and you will move on. for me, this has really helped me be secure, because my world is not dependent on his presence. what I am seeing in your post is that you have an agenda for the talk, which is essentially to stay together while both of you work on your issues. Jaeger is right; perhaps, the talk should be about boundaries on relationship dynamics, not about what you want in terms of the status (though I know having certainty is soooo important).
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lucy
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Post by lucy on Jan 20, 2018 12:49:11 GMT
Hi. How did your chat go?
This forum is so good to see there are others with similar problems like me out there. I also had chat with me DA last night. They are such hard work.
Same as you I am feeling like I am much more moving to a secure person. We broke up a month ago, and though our chat came to no conclusion yet again, I am not in pieces today.
Hope your chat went well...though even if it did...it is a constant struggle. I am still hopeful though its possible for a DA or FA to realise what and why they do things they way they do and try to improve
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Post by kristyrose on Jan 21, 2018 19:41:51 GMT
Hi. How did your chat go? This forum is so good to see there are others with similar problems like me out there. I also had chat with me DA last night. They are such hard work. Same as you I am feeling like I am much more moving to a secure person. We broke up a month ago, and though our chat came to no conclusion yet again, I am not in pieces today. Hope your chat went well...though even if it did...it is a constant struggle. I am still hopeful though its possible for a DA or FA to realise what and why they do things they way they do and try to improve Hi Lucy and everyone, Well the chat went horribly. I stuck my agenda of calling out how we are interacting, that we obviously still enjoy being with each other etc. and that I would like to just acknowledge and enjoy what we have now with no pressure and expectations. Well he had a different idea. He said that while he hasn't been dating at all since our break-up, he wants to be open to meeting new people and that his main goal is for us to stay friends. He basically denied that we have spent the past 9 months dating! He was very stoic and said we simply hung out, it was fun, but he doesn't want a relationship. He said he regards his friends very highly, that he wants to know if I can see myself as his friend. I said it would take NC and probably years to even consider that. He said, well I'm willing to take the risk of you taking a break while you decide if you want to be my friend. I was so shocked. I did not expect this. I thought if anything he would possibly agree to some terms of where we are at- not deny reality entirely! We have been going on dates, spending weekends at each other house, and he acts like we were just buddies after 2.5 yrs. I lost it and started crying. It was just too much. I told him I don't want to lose him, but obviously we want different things. We argued back and forth about stupid details like who texted who first and when i pointed out all the times he reached out when I tried to get space, he basically downplayed it and said maybe he was just bored essentially. It was crazy making and the past two days I'm just numb and hurt. I know I went along with it but I had hope. I told him how much I cherished the past 9 months he said he cherished our time as a couple ,but didn't feel the same as me about the 9 months. It was shocking! I know know he is avoidant, so tried to keep that in mind, but this was so cold as if I wasn't even there. I am at a total loss. |
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Post by yasmin on Jan 21, 2018 20:39:27 GMT
I'm so sad to read this.
To make sense of this in your mind: the process of calling someone "just a friend" while acting like their boyfriend is motivated by him wanting all the boyfriend benefits with no responsibility. Then he gets to the around after 9 months and say "hey were just friends!" Because he's already lined up his excuse.
It hurts right now, I'm sorry, but now is the time you HAVE to give him consequences. He's been allowed for 9 months to have everything he wants on his terms with none of the quid pro quo so he's taken you for granted. The ONLY possible resolution is to cut him off completely.
Don't answer his calls, Don't see him, Don't pay him any attention and this way he learns what life is like without you. This is the only way he grows up and learns this lesson.
Friends don't have sex or go on dates or tall about their relationship. He knows this. You're not crazy...He's backlighting and manipulating you.
He wants to take what he wants and play innocent and now he wants you to continue as his "friend" while he sees other people.
I know it's hard (I had to do the same thing) but cut him off!!!
If he truly misses you he will come back eventually having learned how he needs to treat you. If he doesn't.. youvr lost nothing.
Sending much love
Xxx
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Post by tnr9 on Jan 21, 2018 22:41:12 GMT
OH...Kristyrose...I am so sorry....but at least you know the truth...that he was coming at this from a completely different perspective. Gah....Yasmin is right....if he really wants to be in your life...that is a privilege that he must earn. Hugs.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 22, 2018 0:07:39 GMT
This is an issue that goes beyond being avoidant/anxious... Yasmin is right! In any case, he’s made his stance clear, so take care of yourself first. Hugs; sending you all the light and love.
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Post by kristyrose on Jan 22, 2018 6:13:42 GMT
This board is so supportive and helpful! Thank you all.
We met up today to talk some more, I had so much anger and wanted to get it all off my chest. I no longer felt the need to tiptoe, so we met up at a park where I take my dog and I told him how incredibly cold he behaved during our talk and that it felt as though the time we spent even post-breakup meant nothing to him. I also questioned how can we be friends if he is going to start dating others. He said he is not actively going to start dating others, he will just be "living his life"- groan.
At any rate, I also questioned how it can be so easy for him to tell me he just wants to be friends and see others while we are together? Isn't it hard to just do that? makes no sense.He didn't really answer. Just sat on the bench looking pissed. Then he checked his phone, said there was a game on and did I want to catch the last few minutes and we can talk more? I agreed. So we took my dog home and I went to a bar and we talked more. I looked him in the eyes and conveyed how much his tone, his lack of care for my feelings and his words that he felt "trapped" yet still would hang out hurt me deeply. I told him that he treated me as if I were a "companion to f**k" (excuse my harsh language) and he seemed to get so mad I could see his lips quivering. He was mad and said that he obviously enjoyed all of our time, that I do matter to him, I am valuable to him. I had also told him how devalued I felt. I also told him that blaming me for not knowing he felt trapped was wrong, and that taking no responsibility for his actions even worse. He should have told me he felt trapped or wanted to be alone all the times we were together. I realized of course, that is why he pushes me but comes back, once he feels less trapped. I told him had he just told me, we could have worked it out together. He looked at me for a long time and said that he could see so much expression on my face and in my eyes. That he liked seeing that and that I was glowing.
Afterwards we just sat there in silence. Then he asked if I had eaten and what I was doing. I said I ate, (but I hadn't eaten a thing all day) so he suggested we watch part of a second game together at another location if I were free. I said yes, I wanted to see how the day would go and frankly I just wanted to. :-(
So we went to another place but while there he was on his phone a lot and seemed bored, but then looked up and said why don't we eat and see this movie, just looked it up it plays at 630- I said ok, at that point I was starving. We had a nice dinner, he told me some stuff about his family - this is something he does when he wants to get close again. We saw a movie and while walking there he asked if it was ok to put his arm around me. I said it was ok. He was doing a lot of arm around me from the time we got there, inside to the time we left and got to my car. I dropped him home and he hugged me for a very long time and we said goodbye.
We have tickets for a show thursday I bought months ago, but beyond that I think we are just done. I mean, honestly it felt nice to be around him like old times again, but unless he can admit we are together, I just have to walk away.
I just wanted to give you guys the details since you all have been so amazingly kind and supportive, I actually was reading your responses while he was on the phone!
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