Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jan 29, 2018 20:35:54 GMT
Don’t forget, if it’s them that is doing the ignoring it’s stonewalling,
if it’syou, it’s called No Contact.
Im hearing the term stonewalling used in reference to broken up relationships and i am not sure it fits.
It might be exasperation or just not engaging a painful cycle.
DA’s are just better at it 😬
If we all had our ducks in a row productive communication would be happening, but that isn’t the case.
We have to take the focus off of our ex partners and bring it back to us, so we can continue our growth.
Maybe then things can shift. But this is a holding pattern that doesn’t change until something changes and you only have control of yourself.
Saying this for myself as much as anyone, lots of us are trying to do better and it’s hard to break old habits.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jan 29, 2018 20:37:17 GMT
i mean, maybe they are just breaking up. lots of people stop engaging when the relationship got too bad to continue.
|
|
|
|
Post by kristyrose on Jan 29, 2018 20:44:41 GMT
Hey there,
yeah, I guess I call it stonewalling when I send a text or communication that asks for a response and instead of hearing that he doesn't wish to engage or can't respond, he says nothing. I've asked him in the past to just tell me he needs space and I will honor it and that blatantly ignoring me is something I cannot tolerate, it is my boundary. He is testing it this time by completing ignoring me, so my only response to that is to continue my work and stop engaging.
In the past he has told me he ignores me because he needs time to process and doesn't want to say hurtful things in the moment. We agreed that it is painful for both of us to just ignore each other, so perhaps he is trying to send a message that he is really done, without saying it.
I really don't know this time
|
|
|
|
Post by kristyrose on Jan 29, 2018 20:45:53 GMT
Oh and I think that is true, AP's call it no-contact- but that for me is usually when we have come to an impasse and neither one of us has anything to say- however if he reaches out during that time, I always respond. Versus his no response to my reach out if that makes sense.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jan 29, 2018 20:47:50 GMT
yes but when there is an impasse it’s really about who has control.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jan 29, 2018 20:48:44 GMT
unless the choice is made to move on and then the point becomes moot.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jan 29, 2018 20:49:54 GMT
asking for a response could be considered a form of control as well,,especially during a breakup
|
|
|
|
Post by kristyrose on Jan 29, 2018 20:55:43 GMT
I asked if he was done communicating with me all together- maybe that triggered him, don't know.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jan 29, 2018 21:02:17 GMT
you did mention you recognize a lot of him in your reading about NPD, and nobody but a professional who has evaluated him could say for sure but if that’s the case i would guess it’s about control.
but i still maintain that when an AP stops engaging it has a different name but not always a different motive.
NC is used a lot of times to provoke a response , consciously or not.
to me it all comes back to labeling our own behaviors if we are going to do any labeling, it’s just much more empowering. labeling i think makes the other guy look like the unreasonable one when in all fairness, these situations were mutually created.
|
|
|
|
Post by kristyrose on Jan 29, 2018 21:09:14 GMT
I do agree wholeheartedly. In the past my NC was to elicit a response, but the last time I stopped communicating was because I asked if we could have a face to face talk and he refused, but I didn't want to communicate over text.
As for now, he knows I want a response and he knows how much ignoring me hurts, so perhaps its control.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jan 29, 2018 21:11:47 GMT
breakups are just so damn messy, all of it.
any way you cut it!
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jan 29, 2018 21:14:06 GMT
i HATE when i fall into stupid manipulative behaviors but it’s part of the process, i think.
it’s about getting back on track once i recognize it.
i have too much dumb stuff in my own head to worry about his lol.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jan 29, 2018 21:20:42 GMT
For me, I take into account the nature of the relationship. If we are broken up, I consider any attempts to contact are at our own risk. If I reach out and they don't respond, I consider it no contact, because we are broken up and contact is a choice. If we are in a relationship and there was no agreement regarding a period of no contact or space, I would consider it stonewalling on their part.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jan 29, 2018 21:22:31 GMT
mrob just brought up a good point on another thread.
DA’s feel over the top anxiety when pursued and to you it looks like a behavior engineered to punish you but that would be like saying freak outs and clinging behaviors are engineered to punish the DA.
it doesn’t make sense to make one person the bad guy it just doesn’t make sense.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jan 29, 2018 21:23:58 GMT
For me, I take into account the nature of the relationship. If we are broken up, I consider any attempts to contact are at our own risk. If I reach out and they don't respond, I consider it no contact, because we are broken up and contact is a choice. If we are in a relationship and there was no agreement regarding a period of no contact or space, I would consider it stonewalling on their part. exactly, and that’s why in the broken up scenarios i don’t believe the label fits. to me it’s a continuation of a victim mindset by focusing on what appears to be a negative behavior from the other person. |
|
