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Post by mrob on Feb 6, 2018 4:02:08 GMT
Maybe. Just a little  I posted that because there are two sides to any relationship, and I thought it might be helpful to show what could be the other side. The dance is painful from both sides. That’s why I called it. I could see she was going through a different, more intense pain in the dance than me. |
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Post by bedlam71 on Feb 6, 2018 19:06:24 GMT
Maybe. Just a little I posted that because there are two sides to any relationship, and I thought it might be helpful to show what could be the other side. The dance is painful from both sides. That’s why I called it. I could see she was going through a different, more intense pain in the dance than me. I'm really glad you shared. It was awesome that you owned your part and could express that it is painful. When i read these posts, it seems that avoidants just end things and that's that. No looking back. No missing the person. No emotion. No caring. If that's the case, I do envy the ability to do that. |
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Post by bedlam71 on Feb 6, 2018 19:10:46 GMT
Mrob,
My ex sounds similar to you. She tried over and over, but said she just didn't have it in her to try anymore. She cannot handle conflict. As a result, this shut down communicating and problem-solving, which led to arguing and stonewalling. She has "Sometimes I don't think I'm good for you."
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Post by Deleted on Feb 6, 2018 19:15:58 GMT
Maybe. Just a little I posted that because there are two sides to any relationship, and I thought it might be helpful to show what could be the other side. The dance is painful from both sides. That’s why I called it. I could see she was going through a different, more intense pain in the dance than me. I'm really glad you shared. It was awesome that you owned your part and could express that it is painful. When i read these posts, it seems that avoidants just end things and that's that. No looking back. No missing the person. No emotion. No caring. If that's the case, I do envy the ability to do that. if you read the post kristyrose and i shared on in the AP support section you will see quite a bit of feeling from me. i had a grief process i just worked through it. the feelings were tremendous but i focused on myself during my healing and not my ex. i think that is a huge difference between AP And Avoidant. I was concerned with my own process of healing and didn’t spend all my energy focusing on what might be in his head or process. |
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Post by Deleted on Feb 6, 2018 19:19:43 GMT
I'm really glad you shared. It was awesome that you owned your part and could express that it is painful. When i read these posts, it seems that avoidants just end things and that's that. No looking back. No missing the person. No emotion. No caring. If that's the case, I do envy the ability to do that. if you read the post kristyrose and i shared on in the AP support section you will see quite a bit of feeling from me. i had a grief process i just worked through it. the feelings were tremendous but i focused on myself during my healing and not my ex. i think that is a huge difference between AP And Avoidant. I was concerned with my own process of healing and didn’t spend all my energy focusing on what might be in his head or process. you may be reading with bias confirmation in play because you are missing a lot of what is typed on these boards by avoidants. I’m sorry you e missed it. |
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Post by Deleted on Feb 6, 2018 19:20:32 GMT
Maybe. Just a little I posted that because there are two sides to any relationship, and I thought it might be helpful to show what could be the other side. The dance is painful from both sides. That’s why I called it. I could see she was going through a different, more intense pain in the dance than me. I'm really glad you shared. It was awesome that you owned your part and could express that it is painful. When i read these posts, it seems that avoidants just end things and that's that. No looking back. No missing the person. No emotion. No caring. If that's the case, I do envy the ability to do that. Yes, I do think that is the perception from the outside that we move on because we don't care or don't miss them. That's not the case for me and I don't think it's the case for most. Our grieving process is different, but it doesn't mean we don't grieve. There is a line between grieving and getting stuck. Some people are better at not getting stuck in the process. |
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Post by Deleted on Feb 6, 2018 19:22:52 GMT
bedlam, it’s like you totally missed where mary and i shared our pain but i know you liked posts on the threads? are you forgetting? maybe because you feel the pain of your ex not returning and you don’t know what’s going on with her?
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Post by bedlam71 on Feb 6, 2018 19:23:15 GMT
Ok...Thank you all for helping me make sense of this. I feel much relief!
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Post by Deleted on Feb 6, 2018 19:25:49 GMT
Ok...Thank you all for helping me make sense of this. I feel much relief! there is something here i want to point out, and it’s just that with AP’s i have felt very much not heard and this post here is an example. i know that you are in pain but you seem to tune out other things a little and it actually seems to be hurting you. like a kind of bias confirmation that confirms your worst fears? |
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Post by bedlam71 on Feb 6, 2018 19:26:18 GMT
I woke up this morning from a crappy dream and was feeling sad. It sucks because I was actually starting to feel happy and then poof! my old friend sadness and unlovable show up.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 6, 2018 19:27:51 GMT
I woke up this morning from a crappy dream and was feeling sad. It sucks because I was actually starting to feel happy and then poof! my old friend sadness and unlovable show up. just be aware, and it might help to be really present to yourself and that sadness and where it comes from. you will never heal from inside her head it will have to be inside yours. it’s vwry difficult, i totally get that. but i do it too, i heal inside my head and not inside anyone else’s. |
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Post by Deleted on Feb 6, 2018 19:32:20 GMT
I woke up this morning from a crappy dream and was feeling sad. It sucks because I was actually starting to feel happy and then poof! my old friend sadness and unlovable show up. the fastest way to feel unlovable, i have found, is to ask someone who doesn’t love themselves to try to love me. They can’t. FAST TICKET TO PAIN. Thats the old me. The new me doesn’t look for love out there as validation. I just try to enjoy loving me and loving someone else and allow them to do the same. it’s not a value statement on anyone other than “ain’t life grand, i love you, you love me, yay!” sounds dumb maybe but thats where im at. if someone can’t love me, that’s ok. totally. |
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Post by bedlam71 on Feb 6, 2018 19:57:29 GMT
No. That's wisdom, Tgat. Truly happiness is never outside of us. We spend so much energy rearranging the chairs on the deck of the titanic(changing external conditions) and it always sinks at some point. I attend classes at the Buddhist center, I meditate, I practice DBT skills. I lost "me" in this relationship and i'm finally starting to reconnect again. Mornings are always the hardest though. Honestly I think it's hormone related. As the day goes on, my mind improves. We are all a work in progress. I love that we can all talk and help each other see different perspectives.
Thank you Mary and Kristin for your feedback too!
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Post by kristyrose on Feb 6, 2018 20:35:08 GMT
Hi,
Speaking of sadness, I'm doing a number on myself today.
My ex told me he is "open to dating" and it makes me sick to my stomach. Reason being, I cannot understand how he can go from sleeping with me and going on dates past 2.5 years to seeing others without any kind of real break in between? It's like he's just over me! And that hurts so badly, it hurts to breathe.
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Post by bedlam71 on Feb 7, 2018 1:48:24 GMT
I'm sorry to hear this. The thing is is I'm guessing he knows you are there. He can do what he wants and you will still be there. It sucks when ppl disregard your loyalty. At point is this avoidant behavior vs. just being an arsehole?
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