|
|
Post by bedlam71 on Feb 2, 2018 21:23:17 GMT
Having thoughts about how we will never share our lives together. Having a lot of insecure thoughts. We broke up officially on December 23. Have barely seen each since dec 5th. She broke up with me because of the constant arguing, but the frustrating part was she never saw her role in any of them. I know she tried in our relationship, but she couldn't maintain consistency. The other issue was my moods due to being perimenopausal and trying to get them regulated.
A week after we broke up, she had surgery. I sent her a text hoping it goes well. After surgery, she texted me that it went well. She also texted "I love you. I want you to know that." I asked why. She repeated I just want you to know. She has never wavered in that in 3 years. We talked on the phone like a week or so later. She said she was not interested in anyone and a relationship was the furthest from her mind. She said again we are not together because of all the arguing.
I opened the door to being friends because she said she wanted that eventually but wasn't ready for it yet. We have property that we need to get back from each other. I told her I would email her about it in the next week but never did.
So it's been a month since I offered the friendship and I haven't heard a word. My mind is going places...there must be someone else or else she would have been back, I've been replaced, she doesn't give a crap and many other things. Here I am suffering and she just goes on with her life.
I just needed to share what I am dealing with right now.
|
|
|
|
Post by bedlam71 on Feb 2, 2018 21:28:54 GMT
She would get physically ill when we argued. The last time we had a big break up, she was apparently out of work for 5 weeks. She has been struggling with IBS half her life. I believe it is her body's response to not dealing with her trauma history.
|
|
|
|
Post by madamebovary on Feb 2, 2018 21:43:23 GMT
“My mind is going places...there must be someone else or else she would have been back, I've been replaced, she doesn't give a crap and many other things. Here I am suffering and she just goes on with her life.” That’s the worst. Mine has been NC for almost two weeks but we haven’t seen each other and things were on the downslide since early December, and all I can think is how I’m sad and thinking of him every day and he’s just going on with his life apparently. I mean... how can you get so close to someone and talk about the future and then just unceremoniously cut them out of your life? I don’t get it. I’m sorry you’re going through this. |
|
|
|
Post by bedlam71 on Feb 2, 2018 21:46:37 GMT
I don't get it either. It sucks. Sucks is the only way I can describe it.
|
|
|
|
Post by bedlam71 on Feb 2, 2018 21:56:10 GMT
I would really like for anyone to challenge my thinking on my post to hopefully help me get unstuck.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Feb 2, 2018 23:12:49 GMT
I would really like for anyone to challenge my thinking on my post to hopefully help me get unstuck. bedlam, i have just a moment and i don’t have anything challenging to say but i want you to know i recognize your sadness and i am so sorry. I will come back and read more closely and reflect later when i can. |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Feb 2, 2018 23:34:03 GMT
Having thoughts about how we will never share our lives together. Having a lot of insecure thoughts. We broke up officially on December 23. Have barely seen each since dec 5th. She broke up with me because of the constant arguing, but the frustrating part was she never saw her role in any of them. I know she tried in our relationship, but she couldn't maintain consistency. The other issue was my moods due to being perimenopausal and trying to get them regulated. A week after we broke up, she had surgery. I sent her a text hoping it goes well. After surgery, she texted me that it went well. She also texted "I love you. I want you to know that." I asked why. She repeated I just want you to know. She has never wavered in that in 3 years. We talked on the phone like a week or so later. She said she was not interested in anyone and a relationship was the furthest from her mind. She said again we are not together because of all the arguing. I opened the door to being friends because she said she wanted that eventually but wasn't ready for it yet. We have property that we need to get back from each other. I told her I would email her about it in the next week but never did. So it's been a month since I offered the friendship and I haven't heard a word. My mind is going places...there must be someone else or else she would have been back, I've been replaced, she doesn't give a crap and many other things. Here I am suffering and she just goes on with her life. I just needed to share what I am dealing with right now. I am not sure what the question is, but I think that avoidants are better about getting on with their life after a breakup. However, even though I am not thinking about what he's thinking, doing or if I've been replaced, I was/am completely devastated by the break up. I am so sorry you are suffering. I think it's somewhat natural to think you are suffering and they are not, but I think both suffer in their own way. |
|
|
|
Post by bedlam71 on Feb 3, 2018 0:02:50 GMT
This is true. Just because I'm not seeing her suffering outwardly that doesn't mean she isn't.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Feb 3, 2018 0:08:33 GMT
This is true. Just because I'm not seeing her suffering outwardly that doesn't mean she isn't. i agree wholeheartedly with mary, and i just broke up with my ex on Dec 24 so it’s about the same amount of time. I grieved publicly here because i didn’t want to do it by myself and i wanted to go through it honestly instead of succumbing to old patterns. Now, i feel a sense of acceptance and I am sad, but in a letting go way, not a holding on way. It doesn’t mean i wouldn’t try again if there was some effort of substance on his part. However, i am not reaching for it, nor am i sharing my emotions with him. Simply because that feels like beating a dead horse to me, and i find it better to deal with myself and move on. But yes, i feel the loss. For sure. |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Feb 3, 2018 0:29:53 GMT
Avoidants and AP’s really do process emotions and breakups in very very different ways.
I haven’t spent time tihinking about what’s in his head or if he has moved on because the point is moot .
We tried the best we both could and weren’t able to reach a place that was suitable for each of us.
I imagine that if he had a new suggestion he would tell me about it, and if not he may have moved on or not but the relationship wasn’t healthy for me the way it was and i accept that.
If he had broken up with me ultimately i would come to the same place with it.
I can’t make a square peg fit in a round hole no matter how i try so i save myself the brain damage it just is too painful to not know when to fold.
|
|
|
|
Post by bedlam71 on Feb 3, 2018 0:50:04 GMT
It does seem avoidants can be more matter of fact. Like... It isn't working. I wish it would, but it is what it is. Where as me being on the anxious side, I have thoughts that my ex didn't really love me and I'm replaceable (which is really a reflection of how I feel about myself),
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Feb 3, 2018 1:09:12 GMT
Yes, bedlam. I believe the anxiety comes from a sense of rejection and triggers abandonment and feelings of being unloved?
I felt that in a sense when i realized he could not or would not meet me halfway to make things work, but ultimately all the work i have done and all the healing i have contributes to my ability to see it more rationally.
This tends to be the way i deal with any loss or change tho, and maybe because i value my autonomy and independence so much, i value that for other people too and don’t expect them to do things according to my preference when clearly they have their own way of thinking or doing.
I just cant wrestle someone to go against their own will, as i would not like to be wrestled against mine.
I think that is the way i have always been.
But- certainly the work i have done makes this breakdup a more transparent and honest process as far as my feelings. I am not sure i am making sense. I am just very aware and connected now. so it hurt more than i expected. but my way of thinking about it is kind of a live and let live approach.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Feb 3, 2018 1:11:05 GMT
It does seem avoidants can be more matter of fact. Like... It isn't working. I wish it would, but it is what it is. Where as me being on the anxious side, I have thoughts that my ex didn't really love me and I'm replaceable (which is really a reflection of how I feel about myself), i have lived most of my life with the sadness of feeling unloved and replaceable and just reacted to it a totally different way. Same insides. I am sorry you are hurting bedlam. |
|
|
|
Post by mrob on Feb 5, 2018 15:00:58 GMT
That Christmas week must be bad for everyone.....My last ex tried to get me to out more effort in, meet her halfway, she would pull towards me and I would pull away. The more she did, the more railroaded I felt to act her way, to respond in the way she wanted me to. Last time I went along like that, I was married. That wasn't happening. For the first time, I stuck up for myself. On Dec 23, when she brought the argument on, I told her how it was. Right now, I'm not interested in anyone at all. In fact, I struggle to see what I could bring to any relationship.
I just want to say to her that she could not have tried any harder. I just can't do it. As cliche as it sounds, it's not her, it's actually me!
|
|
|
|
Post by bedlam71 on Feb 5, 2018 18:04:54 GMT
Mrob, are you avoidant leaning?
|
|
