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Post by yasmin on Feb 16, 2018 17:57:45 GMT
I don't think it's as black and white as attachment style, because there's variations isn't there? For example: I am FA but totally happy to give lots of verbal reassurance, consistency, affection, loyalty, clear messages etc. Okay. I DO need a lot of space  and I can get freaked out, but I think I also give SO much verbal reassurance and consistency and I am good at talking it out, so I don't think I would trigger an AP if I was dating one because I wouldn;t do stuff like disappear for days or walk away from them when they needed reassurance etc. What I couldn't tolerate was clinginess, controlling behavior, jealousy etc. so some APs with really deep needs for constant togetherness would drive me way. Other APs would actually work really well for me though because they'd probably be able to provide quite well to my own FA needs. So maybe a sliding scale there! Us FA's are very complicated and even we don't fully understand what we want or don't want or need and don't need but I think our primary need is a partner who can tell us they are not going to leave if we trust them - which maybe APs are actually quite good at. It becomes a problem though, when the FA is the type of FA who had strongly avoidant behaviors and then it can become uber toxic of course. I think maybe make a list of your own needs, versus things that you know trigger you and look for partners who are happy to provide for those needs and don't do the stuff that triggers you. I am FA, but I know that my needs are for consistency, lots of affection and closeness, clarity, open communication and also a good degree of independence. Can you ask her what HER needs are? If she is aware, she probably knows! xx |
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Post by Deleted on Feb 16, 2018 20:24:22 GMT
Should I run away before I get too attached to her? This is an avoidant's game. just sayin'. Well, to be honest Mary, it's a conscious, pre-emptive decision here. The avoidant game is to do it unconsciously and when it's already far in. |
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Post by Deleted on Feb 16, 2018 20:37:27 GMT
This is an avoidant's game. just sayin'. Well, to be honest Mary, it's a conscious, pre-emptive decision here. The avoidant game is to do it unconsciously and when it's already far in. i think also, the tendency to attach prematurely to unsuitable partners is a factor. the risk of attaching quickly to a problematic partner is high because of the motivation of the anxious, which differs from the motivation of an avoidant. it could be a good thing to run before attachment in a case where difficulty seems likely based on the vulnerability of both partners. surely there are smaller risks out there, was my perspective. |
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Post by kristyrose on Feb 16, 2018 20:45:50 GMT
Well, to be honest Mary, it's a conscious, pre-emptive decision here. The avoidant game is to do it unconsciously and when it's already far in. i think also, the tendency to attach prematurely to unsuitable partners is a factor. the risk of attaching quickly to a problematic partner is high because of the motivation of the anxious, which differs from the motivation of an avoidant. it could be a good thing to run before attachment in a case where difficulty seems likely based on the vulnerability of both partners. surely there are smaller risks out there, was my perspective. Hi everyone, To add my 2 cents, I do not attach quickly at all- even as an AP, it takes me a while to feel attached to someone. Once I start feeling anxious I can tell I'm getting attached. But the first few months even I may behave either a little avoidant, or secure, but mostly avoidant. For instance my ex came on pretty strong when we first met, so I found myself keeping a bit of a distance in between dates. |
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Post by Deleted on Feb 16, 2018 20:53:07 GMT
i think also, the tendency to attach prematurely to unsuitable partners is a factor. the risk of attaching quickly to a problematic partner is high because of the motivation of the anxious, which differs from the motivation of an avoidant. it could be a good thing to run before attachment in a case where difficulty seems likely based on the vulnerability of both partners. surely there are smaller risks out there, was my perspective. Hi everyone, To add my 2 cents, I do not attach quickly at all- even as an AP, it takes me a while to feel attached to someone. Once I start feeling anxious I can tell I'm getting attached. But the first few months even I may behave either a little avoidant, or secure, but mostly avoidant. For instance my ex came on pretty strong when we first met, so I found myself keeping a bit of a distance in between dates. specifically, alpenglow suspected he was already too much into this girl after the first date, and noticed physical sensations that he attributed to clicking emotionally with her. so i was tailoring my own responses to what he had shared in his New Dating Round thread. i believe i have the right girl and understanding, there was one that was kinda boring and one he felt a little activated with, (this one) unlesss i misunderstood. so i was alerting to an already growing sense of attachment that i understood him to be sharing in the other thread. |
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Post by kristyrose on Feb 16, 2018 21:15:27 GMT
Yeah I hear ya T. Just giving input on the way I attach. I wonder too sometimes if I have some avoidant aspects of myself, as much as I identify with AP and did take a few self assessments, I have been thinking on how I have shown up in other relationships. The one before my ex, I was avoidant all the way, but he was pretty controlling and I think AP.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 16, 2018 21:21:40 GMT
Yeah I hear ya T. Just giving input on the way I attach. I wonder too sometimes if I have some avoidant aspects of myself, as much as I identify with AP and did take a few self assessments, I have been thinking on how I have shown up in other relationships. The one before my ex, I was avoidant all the way, but he was pretty controlling and I think AP. it gets weird doesn’t it? i think we shift a little depending on the dynamic that our partner brings. it can get pretty complicated with other factors too! |
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Post by alpenglow on Feb 16, 2018 21:23:41 GMT
This is correct, tgat!
I don't know the exact difference between liking someone at first sight and attaching. Very quickly, I can like/attach to any given person, whether it's a romantic setting, or a friend, colleague, teacher, whatever.
People can grow on me, but I usually know if I like someone or not within 10 mins. And I rarely change my mind afterwards.
When it comes to attachment styles, I can also like/attach to any type, including secures.
I usually like someone even more quickly if we have several things in common. Isn't that quite natural?
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Post by Deleted on Feb 16, 2018 21:28:42 GMT
This is correct, tgat! I don't know the exact difference between liking someone at first sight and attaching. Very quickly, I can like/attach to any given person, whether it's a romantic setting, or a friend, colleague, teacher, whatever. People can grow on me, but I usually know if I like someone or not within 10 mins. And I rarely change my mind afterwards. When it comes to attachment styles, I can also like/attach to any type, including secures. I usually like someone even more quickly if we have several things in common. Isn't that quite natural? yes and especially if they are also hot. 😂 (in a romantic scenario, that is!) |
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Post by alpenglow on Feb 16, 2018 21:29:14 GMT
Even other people usually like me (when they do) pretty quickly. Mutual interest/attraction is something you can feel pretty easily (again, romantic setting or not).
I guess I'm pure AP all the way, it never changes depending on the person I'm with. I can be triggered more or less, but I don't think I ever turn avoidant (especially not when it comes to dating!).
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Post by alpenglow on Feb 16, 2018 21:31:22 GMT
This is correct, tgat! I don't know the exact difference between liking someone at first sight and attaching. Very quickly, I can like/attach to any given person, whether it's a romantic setting, or a friend, colleague, teacher, whatever. People can grow on me, but I usually know if I like someone or not within 10 mins. And I rarely change my mind afterwards. When it comes to attachment styles, I can also like/attach to any type, including secures. I usually like someone even more quickly if we have several things in common. Isn't that quite natural? yes and especially if they are also hot. 😂 (in a romantic scenario, that is!) Absolutely! Most people can judge physical attraction in a matter of seconds. There's been tons of experiments on this. This is just how humans are wired. |
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Post by Deleted on Feb 16, 2018 21:33:07 GMT
i know for me, i am looking to create bonds on strength and health instead of shared difficulties.
that’s been a little bit of a pattern for me, to pick the challenge.
i think i will prefer stability and less drama in the future.
i am so tired from having relationships be fit for the “counseling couch”
i want to lead with shared successes more than shared struggles
Doesn’t mean we can’t share challenges but i don’t want that to be a major bonding factor lol.
secure sounds better and better.
i just want to be more comfortable. so i am doing lots of work to try to facilitate that for me and my future partner .
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Post by Deleted on Feb 16, 2018 21:34:30 GMT
yes and especially if they are also hot. 😂 (in a romantic scenario, that is!) Absolutely! Most people can judge physical attraction in a matter of seconds. There's been tons of experiments on this. This is just how humans are wired. i’m a believer! |
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Post by alpenglow on Feb 16, 2018 21:42:00 GMT
Please don't misunderstand how I bond or attach, tgat. In this particular case, I may have partially bonded because of shared difficulties, but after the first date with this one, I knew nothing of her difficulties, but I already liked her because we had many other things in common.
The previous woman I really liked, the one I got sexually intimate with, same thing, we bonded on personality and some shared interests.
I'm with you when it comes to bonding on something more positive, this is a lot more interesting!
Otherwise, I'm with kristyrose. I know that I am truly attached when I feel anxious. And I usually get anxious when I'm worried about not being liked, or when my abandonment fear surfaces.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 16, 2018 21:49:04 GMT
Please don't misunderstand how I bond or attach, tgat. In this particular case, I may have partially bonded because of shared difficulties, but after the first date with this one, I knew nothing of her difficulties, but I already liked her because we had many other things in common. The previous woman I really liked, the one I got sexually intimate with, same thing, we bonded on personality and some shared interests. I'm with you when it comes to bonding on something more positive, this is a lot more interesting! Otherwise, I'm with kristyrose. I know that I am truly attached when I feel anxious. And I usually get anxious when I'm worried about not being liked, or when my abandonment fear surfaces. oh i totally get it. i was just relating to when you guys were sharing your attachment issues with each other. i’m relating because my ex DA and i found common ground in our independence (avoidance) but it ultimately was painful. There was a bunch of other stuff attracting us, but i felt the clincher when i knew we could be avoidant together lol. it was a blessing and a curse and finally broke us. i learned a lot tho! |
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and I can get freaked out, but I think I also give SO much verbal reassurance and consistency and I am good at talking it out, so I don't think I would trigger an AP if I was dating one because I wouldn;t do stuff like disappear for days or walk away from them when they needed reassurance etc. 
