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Post by yasmin on Feb 16, 2018 22:01:44 GMT
Side question: is it common for APs to attach to new people quickly and easily?
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Post by Deleted on Feb 16, 2018 22:31:19 GMT
Side question: is it common for APs to attach to new people quickly and easily? I have read that that can be the case, and Jeb’s article on that says that an AP partner will tend to settle for a partner too fast because of a hunger for love or validation (paraphrasing, i would have to go review for accurate phrasing) alpenglow seems to have good awareness and was trying to differentiate between attraction and having his attachment system activated. that must be a tough challenge. I am so impressed by the level of awareness of the physical sensations related to that! |
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Post by yasmin on Feb 16, 2018 22:41:40 GMT
I don't think I can differentiate attraction very well either.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 16, 2018 22:47:58 GMT
I don't think I can differentiate attraction very well either. honestly, and i hate to admit it, sexual attraction is the biggest blind spot for me. it makes or breaks connections so easily for me. I am going to try to be VERY aware and open minded and honest when i am ready to date again. I hope i find a boring sexy guy who needs a lot of space and thinks i am hilarious so i can make all my stupid jokes and not be annoying. is that too much to ask? is it so wrong? 🤔😂 |
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Post by Jaeger on Feb 16, 2018 22:50:21 GMT
I don't think I can differentiate attraction very well either. honestly, and i hate to admit it, sexual attraction is the biggest blind spot for me. it makes or breaks connections so easily for me. I am going to try to be VERY aware and open minded and honest when i am ready to date again. I hope i find a boring sexy guy who needs a lot of space and thinks i am hilarious so i can make all my stupid jokes and not be annoying. is that too much to ask? is it so wrong? 🤔😂 I say you pull a rib out of some random guy and make one. |
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Post by Deleted on Feb 16, 2018 22:54:00 GMT
honestly, and i hate to admit it, sexual attraction is the biggest blind spot for me. it makes or breaks connections so easily for me. I am going to try to be VERY aware and open minded and honest when i am ready to date again. I hope i find a boring sexy guy who needs a lot of space and thinks i am hilarious so i can make all my stupid jokes and not be annoying. is that too much to ask? is it so wrong? 🤔😂 I say you pull a rib out of some random guy and make one. OH MAN! And i could take orders. all of you could just give me the specs and i could hook you up. this forum has turned into more than i thought it could ever be. Thank Me! ( can we please change this from God to Verbose One) puuuuhhhleeeeeze |
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Post by yasmin on Feb 17, 2018 1:46:34 GMT
I don't think I can differentiate attraction very well either. honestly, and i hate to admit it, sexual attraction is the biggest blind spot for me. it makes or breaks connections so easily for me. I am going to try to be VERY aware and open minded and honest when i am ready to date again. I hope i find a boring sexy guy who needs a lot of space and thinks i am hilarious so i can make all my stupid jokes and not be annoying. is that too much to ask? is it so wrong? 🤔😂 I don't feel sexual attraction until waaaaaay in. No wonder I'm single... |
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Post by Deleted on Feb 17, 2018 1:54:23 GMT
honestly, and i hate to admit it, sexual attraction is the biggest blind spot for me. it makes or breaks connections so easily for me. I am going to try to be VERY aware and open minded and honest when i am ready to date again. I hope i find a boring sexy guy who needs a lot of space and thinks i am hilarious so i can make all my stupid jokes and not be annoying. is that too much to ask? is it so wrong? 🤔😂 I don't feel sexual attraction until waaaaaay in. No wonder I'm single... i am certain that if that were the case for me i would never ever even look for a relationship! but i don’t care for casual “relationships “ or arrangements. not my style either! what a mess sometimes |
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Post by alpenglow on Feb 17, 2018 7:31:31 GMT
I don't think it's as black and white as attachment style, because there's variations isn't there? For example: I am FA but totally happy to give lots of verbal reassurance, consistency, affection, loyalty, clear messages etc. Okay. I DO need a lot of space  and I can get freaked out, but I think I also give SO much verbal reassurance and consistency and I am good at talking it out, so I don't think I would trigger an AP if I was dating one because I wouldn;t do stuff like disappear for days or walk away from them when they needed reassurance etc. What I couldn't tolerate was clinginess, controlling behavior, jealousy etc. so some APs with really deep needs for constant togetherness would drive me way. Other APs would actually work really well for me though because they'd probably be able to provide quite well to my own FA needs. So maybe a sliding scale there! Us FA's are very complicated and even we don't fully understand what we want or don't want or need and don't need but I think our primary need is a partner who can tell us they are not going to leave if we trust them - which maybe APs are actually quite good at. It becomes a problem though, when the FA is the type of FA who had strongly avoidant behaviors and then it can become uber toxic of course. I think maybe make a list of your own needs, versus things that you know trigger you and look for partners who are happy to provide for those needs and don't do the stuff that triggers you. I am FA, but I know that my needs are for consistency, lots of affection and closeness, clarity, open communication and also a good degree of independence. Can you ask her what HER needs are? If she is aware, she probably knows! xx This forum helps me to see that there is indeed quite big variations within each attachment style! It makes sense, but I find it quite surprising. Especially FAs must be quite different from one another, because of the special mix between avoidant and anxious tendencies! Yay to verbal reassurance, consistency, affection, loyalty, clear messages! I already have a list of my needs, and those you mentioned (and can actually provide!) are among them. As for her needs, I could ask her of course. She might not know them though, not having been in a relationship. My need for togetherness is very strong in the beginning, because this is how my attachment system assesses whether I am liked or not, and soothes my abandonment fears in the beginning. Once committed, that need decreases, as I feel safe that the person is attached to me and not going to leave. |
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Post by alpenglow on Feb 17, 2018 7:46:28 GMT
Side question: is it common for APs to attach to new people quickly and easily? I have read that that can be the case, and Jeb’s article on that says that an AP partner will tend to settle for a partner too fast because of a hunger for love or validation (paraphrasing, i would have to go review for accurate phrasing) alpenglow seems to have good awareness and was trying to differentiate between attraction and having his attachment system activated. that must be a tough challenge. I am so impressed by the level of awareness of the physical sensations related to that! I find the this description very accurate regarding APs. I sure settle for a partner, or at least imagine being in a relationship with a partner too fast because of a hunger for love or validation. This is exactly what I felt during my last mini-relationship with the woman I slept with. She could feel it emanating from me even without having said anything about it. Anyway, for me it works in this order: - physical/sexual attraction: without this, I wouldn't approach. Something which can be felt instantaneously and which I think is quite universal, except maybe if we have big avoidant walls? Physical attraction for me translates into enjoying looking at someone who is physically attractive (subjectively of course), and whom I could imagine holding close to me, or kissing, or having sex with. Perhaps this type of attraction is more common among males. Takes a few seconds. Sometimes longer, over time. - emotional connection/attraction: bonding with someone over personality traits, values and interests: again, this goes very quickly for me, even in the case of platonic relationships. 10 mins to one hour. - attachment: this one is difficult to define, because I don't quite understand the difference. I would go for the definition which touches on attachment theory and triggers. If I fear loosing the person (abandonment fear trigger), I know that I am attached. Or when I feel anxious about the person not being there, or not knowing if the other person really likes me. And yes, this is what develops way too quickly for APs in general. And very quickly in my case. |
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Post by alpenglow on Feb 17, 2018 7:48:56 GMT
I don't feel sexual attraction until waaaaaay in. No wonder I'm single... What makes you want to go on a date with someone then? Do you distinguish between physical and sexual attraction? I'm very curious. |
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Post by Jaeger on Feb 17, 2018 8:01:12 GMT
I don't feel sexual attraction until waaaaaay in. Wink wink, nudge nudge |
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Post by Deleted on Feb 17, 2018 8:06:43 GMT
I don't think it's as black and white as attachment style, because there's variations isn't there? For example: I am FA but totally happy to give lots of verbal reassurance, consistency, affection, loyalty, clear messages etc. Okay. I DO need a lot of space and I can get freaked out, but I think I also give SO much verbal reassurance and consistency and I am good at talking it out, so I don't think I would trigger an AP if I was dating one because I wouldn;t do stuff like disappear for days or walk away from them when they needed reassurance etc. What I couldn't tolerate was clinginess, controlling behavior, jealousy etc. so some APs with really deep needs for constant togetherness would drive me way. Other APs would actually work really well for me though because they'd probably be able to provide quite well to my own FA needs. So maybe a sliding scale there! Us FA's are very complicated and even we don't fully understand what we want or don't want or need and don't need but I think our primary need is a partner who can tell us they are not going to leave if we trust them - which maybe APs are actually quite good at. It becomes a problem though, when the FA is the type of FA who had strongly avoidant behaviors and then it can become uber toxic of course. I think maybe make a list of your own needs, versus things that you know trigger you and look for partners who are happy to provide for those needs and don't do the stuff that triggers you. I am FA, but I know that my needs are for consistency, lots of affection and closeness, clarity, open communication and also a good degree of independence. Can you ask her what HER needs are? If she is aware, she probably knows! xx This forum helps me to see that there is indeed quite big variations within each attachment style! It makes sense, but I find it quite surprising. Especially FAs must be quite different from one another, because of the special mix between avoidant and anxious tendencies! Yay to verbal reassurance, consistency, affection, loyalty, clear messages! I already have a list of my needs, and those you mentioned (and can actually provide!) are among them. As for her needs, I could ask her of course. She might not know them though, not having been in a relationship. My need for togetherness is very strong in the beginning, because this is how my attachment system assesses whether I am liked or not, and soothes my abandonment fears in the beginning. Once committed, that need decreases, as I feel safe that the person is attached to me and not going to leave. Omg I said exactly the same to my DA today! We had a talk again about how im building up resentment and how I’m seething, and it all just came out once the dam was opened. It being everything I feel and how his reactions just make it worse - by the way, having conversations isn’t enough if an AP felt dismissed or not assured or rejected. We had conversations but it often made things worse because I felt rejected and dismissed, which is part of a DA’s repertoire, either by minimising or shutting convos or shutting themselves down. In any case, I said I could raise a conversation if I am unhappy, but it would mean that he has got to avoid dismissing and/or rejecting me. Otherwise, I wouldn’t raise conversations because I don’t feel safe! I also need “verbal reassurance, consistency, affection, loyalty, clear messages“, so that I feel safe, which reduces my need to have conversations over time. Wow I’m so proud of myself for even saying it, even if I didn’t really believe or hope that it’ll work out. |
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Post by alpenglow on Feb 17, 2018 8:16:21 GMT
Good job on saying all this to him, anxious!
It's very important to express your feelings. What's equally important is not to blame the other person, or else communication won't be possible, both partners will feel triggered and even more resentful for not being heard and understood. Do you see what I mean? This is what creates the AP/DA dance and what makes a relationship toxic over time.
A discussion is the first step, but not enough, you're right, it does have to be followed by actions. Only concrete actions (even if it's with words of reassurance) can lower your anxiety and make you calm down and feel safe.
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Post by yasmin on Feb 17, 2018 10:04:40 GMT
Well. I guess I subjectively know they're attractive bit I don't feel desire until after an emotional connection is established.
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and I can get freaked out, but I think I also give SO much verbal reassurance and consistency and I am good at talking it out, so I don't think I would trigger an AP if I was dating one because I wouldn;t do stuff like disappear for days or walk away from them when they needed reassurance etc.