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Post by madamebovary on Feb 26, 2018 14:25:34 GMT
So it's all up to him ? How about calming down your nervous system, so that you don't get flooded with the emotions of abandonment from the past and try to get "up on the balcony", so that you can see what is going on and then try to set some boundaries ? YOU can block him! You are the one who allows him to treat you like that! You are so much more than a victim! Oh well, this is true. And dammit if I wasn’t going along fine for over a month of NC on my end (he tried to text but I ignored him) without him and then I got complacent and he messaged and I was pulled in again and I didn’t even realize it. Ugh... I hate this so much. I hate thinking I’ve got it all together and realizing I was sucked in again without even realizing it. Back to square one. Bloody hell. |
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Post by Deleted on Feb 26, 2018 14:35:01 GMT
So it's all up to him ? How about calming down your nervous system, so that you don't get flooded with the emotions of abandonment from the past and try to get "up on the balcony", so that you can see what is going on and then try to set some boundaries ? YOU can block him! You are the one who allows him to treat you like that! You are so much more than a victim! Oh well, this is true. And dammit if I wasn’t going along fine for over a month of NC on my end (he tried to text but I ignored him) without him and then I got complacent and he messaged and I was pulled in again and I didn’t even realize it. Ugh... I hate this so much. I hate thinking I’ve got it all together and realizing I was sucked in again without even realizing it. Back to square one. Bloody hell. just keep the focus on you, it's the only way out of this mess! ❤️ |
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Post by madamebovary on Feb 26, 2018 14:35:39 GMT
If it was only about balls and respect, this forum wouldn’t need to exist. O it's really crazy to me how the AP side insists that it is up to the DA to make a final full stop ending when they are unwilling and unable to do it themselves. somehow they get a free pass to keep engaging and blaming and not taking responsibility? what about growing some ovaries and kicking it to the curb? no, they continue to engage and get angry their partner hasn't slammed the door. its about more than balls and respect, it is about attachment injury but the only way out for either side is awareness and personal responsibility . self respect is a thing, too. if someone doesn't respect you, and you allow it, it's a mirror of your self respect and relief comes when you improve that. it's all an inside job! SIDE NOTE: AP does not want it to be over and have spent the entire relationship resisting an ending. If the partner were to end it and go no contact, then AP abandonment would be triggered. We have all seen how that plays out on this forum. It's not pretty. The key to AP healing lies within the AP themselves, but they look to an external source as the determining factor. When you choose an emotionally unavailable partner to run the show, you get what you get. not trying to slam anyone but neither am i co-signing any attachment type, BS blame shifting. It does not honor reality to overlook the well established , researched, observable patterns of the AP/ DA dance. I find it a little condescending to be chastised on the AP aside by someone that is so vocally avoidant. I don’t mind when other APs try to point out my behavior because they understand my POV and can maybe help me through it. This has been an up and down for me, this process. And I enjoy reading Avoidant posts to get a better sense of how my actions have felt to my avoidant, but when someone is hurting, or triggered (which I clearly was) to have someone that speaks mostly for the other side telling me how wrong my feelings are... it seems slightly disingenuous. I try to avoid commenting on the DA side (mostly because you asked for a safe space there) but this doesn’t feel like a safe space for an AP, to be honest. I’m happy that you all are so far ahead of me in this process... it’s been two steps forward and three back for me. Some of us move a little slower. |
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Post by Deleted on Feb 26, 2018 14:39:45 GMT
@madamebivary i respect your feelings and won't comment further on your posts but you didn't post in the support section so i thought you wanted all feedback.
my bad!
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Post by madamebovary on Feb 26, 2018 14:46:26 GMT
@madamebivary i respect your feelings and won't comment further on your posts but you didn't post in the support section so i thought you wanted all feedback. my bad! Tgat, honestly... it’s fine. I’m mostly angry at myself. I appreciate the feedback I was just feeling a little.. ganged up on. Between the attachment stuff coming back round (when I didn’t even realize it was happening) and my feelings being very intense anyway (I have adhd pretty bad which makes for very intense feelings) and perimenopausal hormones running high.... I think I’m just... overwhelmed. I’m sorry I snapped at you. That’s lame and I appreciate and welcome your thoughts. Really. It was a momentary...snap. Honestly. I’m sorry. And I guess I didn’t realize I was supposed to post on AP support, either. I’m just feeling a little defeated at the moment. |
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Post by Deleted on Feb 26, 2018 14:54:24 GMT
@madamebivary i respect your feelings and won't comment further on your posts but you didn't post in the support section so i thought you wanted all feedback. my bad! Tgat, honestly... it’s fine. I’m mostly angry at myself. I appreciate the feedback I was just feeling a little.. ganged up on. Between the attachment stuff coming back round (when I didn’t even realize it was happening) and my feelings being very intense anyway (I have adhd pretty bad which makes for very intense feelings) and perimenopausal hormones running high.... I think I’m just... overwhelmed. I’m sorry I snapped at you. That’s lame and I appreciate and welcome your thoughts. Really. It was a momentary...snap. Honestly. I’m sorry. And I guess I didn’t realize I was supposed to post on AP support, either. I’m just feeling a little defeated at the moment. it's all good, i understand! i just want to help you keep it real because that's where your empowerment lies. my ex DA would have loved to go on ambiguously also but i drive this train! i just want to see you drive your own train!  |
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Post by mrob on Feb 26, 2018 17:25:45 GMT
I’m sorry, Madame. Condescension isn’t my intention either. I was trying to draw attention to the fact that there really is more than one reality to a situation. I hope it really isn’t the case of “them and us” with a big gulf in the middle.
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Post by madamebovary on Feb 26, 2018 19:09:22 GMT
I’m sorry, Madame. Condescension isn’t my intention either. I was trying to draw attention to the fact that there really is more than one reality to a situation. I hope it really isn’t the case of “them and us” with a big gulf in the middle. Listen, I am a Democrat who was married to republican for a very long time and we are still very good friends. If we can meet in the middle, I’m sure anyone can. Like I said... a lot of very emotional stuff happening all at once for me and I think I was looking more for understanding right at that moment, but that’s not always what you need to help you grow. No harm, no foul. I didn’t mean to freak out. It was a knee-jerk, totally defensive reaction. |
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Post by leavethelighton on Feb 28, 2018 0:17:30 GMT
If it was only about balls and respect, this forum wouldn’t need to exist. O Okay, that's true. I guess what I wrote struck a nerve with Tgat too. I agree that it is a form of distorted thinking and I can see how it is part of the DA-AP dance for the AP person to sometimes place more of the blame on the other person... |
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Post by tnr9 on Mar 17, 2018 11:37:51 GMT
I love how we can come together as "human beings" and not simply our attachment styles. I think in the end...that is what it comes down to....human beings who choose to do life together.
The break up I experienced was different...he looked so very scared when he told me....and he kept saying all these incredibly sweet things to counteract the sting of it. I so appreciate that about him. I do own my own process...and I don't want to lose hope...as dim as it may be....I can honestly say that I love him...and no, not just the parts that did not activate me..but also the messy, wounded parts...because we all have those. But it is hard to love someone and know they have moved on and that it won't matter what you say or do now because you are squarely in that person's past, but not necessarily in his future. That is what makes me sad....I feel I barely got to know him after 10.5 months.
And if I am completely honest...I want a different outcome....I want to rewrite the script....and my APness tells me that should be possible...like a Hollywood movie....change the dialogue, the scenery...but don't change the actor. It means I can easily go into thinking of various ways that I could have done things differently and ends up with me always feeling this tremendous weight of responsibility..like I have to convince someone else that I am worthy of him. But this is my attachment pain speaking...that somehow I must prove myself over and over and over again. So everything is personal and I end up feeling like I have this power to make people want to leave me....believe me...I don't want to view things that way...but that is where it all flows from...this irrational thought that I have control...that I can change an outcome by changing myself if I only could know what "you" want. And if you don't tell me, heck even if you do, I will put my own special negative but hopeful spin on it....and it is constantly on my mind, like a record on repeat. Sigh. 😐
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Post by nic on Mar 18, 2018 5:17:11 GMT
If it was only about balls and respect, this forum wouldn’t need to exist. O it's really crazy to me how the AP side insists that it is up to the DA to make a final full stop ending when they are unwilling and unable to do it themselves. somehow they get a free pass to keep engaging and blaming and not taking responsibility? what about growing some ovaries and kicking it to the curb? no, they continue to engage and get angry their partner hasn't slammed the door. its about more than balls and respect, it is about attachment injury but the only way out for either side is awareness and personal responsibility . self respect is a thing, too. if someone doesn't respect you, and you allow it, it's a mirror of your self respect and relief comes when you improve that. it's all an inside job! SIDE NOTE: AP does not want it to be over and have spent the entire relationship resisting an ending. If the partner were to end it and go no contact, then AP abandonment would be triggered. We have all seen how that plays out on this forum. It's not pretty. The key to AP healing lies within the AP themselves, but they look to an external source as the determining factor. When you choose an emotionally unavailable partner to run the show, you get what you get. not trying to slam anyone but neither am i co-signing any attachment type, BS blame shifting. It does not honor reality to overlook the well established , researched, observable patterns of the AP/ DA dance. Tgat, What you say is true in so many ways. APs do give all the power to the DAs and we know its crazy. And everyone is different but I can relate to the original poster in being overly accommodating at the expense of my own stripped down needs just to keep him from distancing even further. Because any further would send me over the edge. Usually knowledge is value but this attachment stuff can be enabling when youre an empath and you can logically talk yourself out of not taking things personally while your heart is still screaming "this hurts"! Plenty of times I have gotten out only to be met with the new and improved version of him - everything I ever wanted in a partner. And then fizzle.... So while its easy to say if you dont like it leave. It goes both ways. If a DA doesnt like having to be responsible for his/her partners feelings because they require more than what is capable then dont just distance, stay gone. I get it that DAs need a reset and distancing is a way of self care but they too are circling back to what triggers them. I know you've been through it and youve overcome a lot but not everyone is there yet. Your message is strong and I agree with most of it. Except for the get a backbone part because Im currently still growing mine. |
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Post by Deleted on Mar 20, 2018 16:57:35 GMT
its about more than balls and respect, it is about attachment injury but the only way out for either side is awareness and personal responsibility . self respect is a thing, too. if someone doesn't respect you, and you allow it, it's a mirror of your self respect and relief comes when you improve that. it's all an inside job! SIDE NOTE: AP does not want it to be over and have spent the entire relationship resisting an ending. If the partner were to end it and go no contact, then AP abandonment would be triggered. We have all seen how that plays out on this forum. It's not pretty. The key to AP healing lies within the AP themselves, but they look to an external source as the determining factor. When you choose an emotionally unavailable partner to run the show, you get what you get. Wow. Great, great comment. This really shifted my thinking today in the way I needed - super appreciate your open mindedness. |
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Post by leavethelighton on Mar 21, 2018 23:41:04 GMT
. . . And if I am completely honest...I want a different outcome....I want to rewrite the script....and my APness tells me that should be possible...like a Hollywood movie....change the dialogue, the scenery...but don't change the actor. It means I can easily go into thinking of various ways that I could have done things differently and ends up with me always feeling this tremendous weight of responsibility..like I have to convince someone else that I am worthy of him. But this is my attachment pain speaking...that somehow I must prove myself over and over and over again. So everything is personal and I end up feeling like I have this power to make people want to leave me....believe me...I don't want to view things that way...but that is where it all flows from...this irrational thought that I have control...that I can change an outcome by changing myself if I only could know what "you" want. And if you don't tell me, heck even if you do, I will put my own special negative but hopeful spin on it....and it is constantly on my mind, like a record on repeat. Sigh. 😐 I can relate to this, wanting to endlessly rewrite the script. Why can't we rewrite the script?  LOL Hope can spring eternal. I'm not sure that's all bad because it means we are open to possibility, we don't just throw people away... but it can be unhealthy because it can draw energy from our actual life. I know what you mean about wanting to keep rewriting the script though... |
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Post by sorinamaria31 on Apr 27, 2018 10:22:58 GMT
i.pinimg.com/736x/6c/11/a3/6c11a3ffc00c305d93d4fcea23d3d824--madmen-joan-holloway.jpgI couldn’t post the image so I had to post the link, but I’ve been rewatching Mad Men and Joan said something that made me think of the way several of my avoidant exes have ended things with me (because of course, as an AP, I’ve had several avoidant relationships of all kinds... familial, romantic and friendships). The quote is about men, but I think maybe it could go for all avoidant types, of any gender. The quote is “Men don’t take the time to end things, they ignore you until you insist on a declaration of hate.” This is basically how I felt my DA ex ended things with me. Ignore-distance-ignore-distance-avoid having a real conversation and the problem will just go away! And I eventually did but I was *really f*cking confused and ANGRY* (yes, APs get angry, especially when they’re being told one thing but their partners actions are speaking volumes of something else). Anyway... is this typical of how avoidants, I guess DAs in particular, end relationships? If you are AP and have been with an avoidant... is this how your relationship ended? Not with a bang but with a “what the hell is even happening?” because you’re just being ignored until you realize it’s over? Hello there! I can totally relate to what you're saying. Unfortunately, it's true. Avoidant partners are called like that since they usually avoid confrontations and behave in a way that could make you give up the relationship without trying to fix it. However, there are ways to recognize this pattern in their behavior and bring light to it before it's too late. Even with avoidants if you have the right conversation, it can save things before it's too late. Here's what I found useful in regards to the ways you can relate to the avoidant pattern: mindfultricks.com/how-to-relate-to-attachment-patterns-the-key-to-relationship-success/ |
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Post by notalone on Jun 18, 2018 20:05:26 GMT
Ouch. This thread is tough. Valuable, but tough...
I agree the AP needs to end what is not healthy for them, AND as an AP I know how incredibly hard that can be. I think it's important to be gentle here. It took me 38 years to FINALLY understand my attachment issues, to exercise better boundaries, and to end relationships that aren't healthy. But for me, the pain of ending things is so painful it can feel like I'm dying, I cry for weeks, shake, and have muscle twitching. So while it's the healthiest thing to do it's really friggin hard.
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LOL