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Post by notalone on Jul 16, 2018 17:30:09 GMT
And if I am completely honest...I want a different outcome....I want to rewrite the script....and my APness tells me that should be possible...like a Hollywood movie....change the dialogue, the scenery...but don't change the actor. It means I can easily go into thinking of various ways that I could have done things differently and ends up with me always feeling this tremendous weight of responsibility..like I have to convince someone else that I am worthy of him. But this is my attachment pain speaking...that somehow I must prove myself over and over and over again. So everything is personal and I end up feeling like I have this power to make people want to leave me....believe me...I don't want to view things that way...but that is where it all flows from...this irrational thought that I have control...that I can change an outcome by changing myself if I only could know what "you" want. And if you don't tell me, heck even if you do, I will put my own special negative but hopeful spin on it....and it is constantly on my mind, like a record on repeat. Sigh. 😐 tnr9 I think that trying to change, fix or control someone else isn't healthy, but I think that trying to change our own unhealthy attachment patterns is healthy. Not because it makes us "worthy", we are all already worthy, but because if we have unhealthy attachments we are not capable of having healthy relationships. In this sense I think we all have the "power" to push others away or not. There's so much written about managing AP-DA relationships. Isn't that what a lot of them say? If one behaves a certain way the relationship between 2 people can be stronger? Of course, one could behave in a healthy way and the other person might still not behave in a healthy way, in which case it would not change anything. BUt I think we have some responsibility and power here? What do you think? Is my APness clouding my vision? Does this make sense to you?
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Post by tnr9 on Jul 17, 2018 0:31:22 GMT
And if I am completely honest...I want a different outcome....I want to rewrite the script....and my APness tells me that should be possible...like a Hollywood movie....change the dialogue, the scenery...but don't change the actor. It means I can easily go into thinking of various ways that I could have done things differently and ends up with me always feeling this tremendous weight of responsibility..like I have to convince someone else that I am worthy of him. But this is my attachment pain speaking...that somehow I must prove myself over and over and over again. So everything is personal and I end up feeling like I have this power to make people want to leave me....believe me...I don't want to view things that way...but that is where it all flows from...this irrational thought that I have control...that I can change an outcome by changing myself if I only could know what "you" want. And if you don't tell me, heck even if you do, I will put my own special negative but hopeful spin on it....and it is constantly on my mind, like a record on repeat. Sigh. 😐 tnr9 I think that trying to change, fix or control someone else isn't healthy, but I think that trying to change our own unhealthy attachment patterns is healthy. Not because it makes us "worthy", we are all already worthy, but because if we have unhealthy attachments we are not capable of having healthy relationships. In this sense I think we all have the "power" to push others away or not. There's so much written about managing AP-DA relationships. Isn't that what a lot of them say? If one behaves a certain way the relationship between 2 people can be stronger? Of course, one could behave in a healthy way and the other person might still not behave in a healthy way, in which case it would not change anything. BUt I think we have some responsibility and power here? What do you think? Is my APness clouding my vision? Does this make sense to you?
I think being authentically "you" just as you are and loving yourself as you are is the most important shift that can be made. I think "change" is not as important as "self acceptance". That is just my perspective.  |
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Post by notalone on Jul 17, 2018 17:16:53 GMT
I think being authentically "you" just as you are and loving yourself as you are is the most important shift that can be made. I think "change" is not as important as "self acceptance". That is just my perspective. I often feel so torn between what’s authentically me at my core, and what’s my AP behaviour that I’d benefit from changing. |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 17, 2018 17:38:27 GMT
I think being authentically "you" just as you are and loving yourself as you are is the most important shift that can be made. I think "change" is not as important as "self acceptance". That is just my perspective. I often feel so torn between what’s authentically me at my core, and what’s my AP behaviour that I’d benefit from changing. i'm with you on this. notalone. i don't see it as rejection of the self to be able to have the courage and progressive intention to accurately assess where one has become dysfunctional and emotionally deteimental to themselves and others, with a loving and dedicated intention to evolve and transform negative thoughts and behaviors. in fact, i think that self acceptance only goes so far when it's emphasized over emotional maturity or health. The most loving thing I can do for anyone around me is to love and accept them weakness and all, while supporting their own internal hunger for change and personal evolution. If i love my flowers, i don't just appreciate their beauty as it is today, i water them and provide conditions for their growth and evolution- i know that they are not just what they are now, they are also, what they will become. i see this in myself also- i love myself enough to emphasize my capacity for change and transformation. |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 17, 2018 18:07:54 GMT
it is the same, of course, in raising children.
To love them is to see where they are struggling and encourage their evolution and expansion.
We can do this for ourselves, also.
Until one can successfully change (grow) themselves, they aren't too inspirational or effective in helping others.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 17, 2018 18:47:56 GMT
It is only when one has true confidence and self-esteem that one is able to open self to listen to unvarnished truths, subsequently changing for the better and grow. That is real growth, real strength of character. It is unhealthy when one's defenses against invalidation of self by a parent, care-giver, during childhood are centered around constant seeking of validation in adulthood, at the expense of hearing truths that do not validate or condone one's views or behavior. The reason is obvious - it is because we are often wrong. If we stubbornly insist on our way, thinking that refusal to change in adulthood = strength/standing up to critical parent in childhood, we will be stuck, lost in an endless wilderness, in the mistaken belief that being "true" to this false "strength/standing up for self" brings redemption. Not changing is simply staying the same. And if one has thought/believed/behaved wrongly, to remain in the wrong. It has nothing to do with true self-acceptance. True self-acceptance means to love oneself enough to be rooting for self, pushing for the betterment of self. The parenting analogy is right - if you are a parent and you love your child, you will guide your child on the right path if she has wandered to the wrong one. Accepting your child means you love her, care for her, stay with her, hold her, guide her. It doesn't mean that you accept her making mistakes over and over, it doesn't mean you let her do whatever she wants to do. In fact, if you love her, you try your best to bring her back to the path she must travel towards a better future for her. We are not our thoughts, deeds, behavior. We are not even our Ego. We are certainly imperfect, and blind to our imperfections. As Alain de Botton puts it so well, it is only through the lens of others that we can see ourselves better, yet we seldom hear the truth from our family and friends because they love us too much to offer unpalatable truths or simply prefer to spend a happy evening with us instead of "going deep". www.youtube.com/watch?v=DCS6t6NUAGQThe higher Self is the one above the Ego, the Self that is capable of learning, of reflection, of thinking, of accepting criticisms or disagreement, of improving, of changing. The Self is the parent who unconditionally loves, seeking truths, taking on the *responsibility* of "parenting self" throughout one's life. That is true self-acceptance, true self-parenting.
It is most certainly not the "little child's voice", stamping its feet, stubbornly shaking its head in the mistaken belief that not changing = standing up to others = ultimate acceptance of self, but the adult, mature, wise, good-humored, tolerant, loving voice, that lights one's path. |
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malley
New Member
I haven't heard from my long distance boyfriend in 2 weeks after being together for 4 years.
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Post by malley on Jul 29, 2018 17:51:44 GMT
After a 4 year loving relationship, he did the same thing to me. He just stopped calling. I have been abandoned. I would never have dreamed this could have happened.
He said I was his "rock", "the love of his life", I was "perfect" for him and that I had changed his life.
I didn't even know him for him to have done this. I didn't even know him.
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