Understanding Each Other is Important

ocarina, i have to make it clear though. it was more an internal change for me to settle in happily to this. my partner is willing and demonstrates that by showing up, and being honest. But honestly, we never have agreed that we are in a "relationship" and we never have talked about the future. i could do that more easily than he could but it isn't important to me now i accept myself and him as is.

i used to think that those things (promises and labels) were required to have something i could settle into. i didn't know because i don't have good experience with decent relationships so i was just going with what's out there.

so i would read articles and have conversations where other people would strike fear in me because they did not see the validity of my connection with him.
I actually had anxiety in myself because of the conflict about how i felt about him and what i was willing to do for us, what i knew we meant to each other, and the outward appearance of it all that lacked all the "right" signs of a relationship. that word is way over rated.

so i left him a couple times over that because i was afraid of getting it wrong and plus he was defensive about my confusion and we got angry with each other.

Time away from him, spent getting to understand my own avoidant nature, gave me the ability to accept him with his issues as well. And i relaxed enough to just begin to speak plainly to him because i realized with his narcissistic traits he does not intuitively know what i don't tell him about myself and what is important to me. But he likes knowing when i tell him and he responds in a touching way.

It is ironic because my growth has meant saying what i feel and knowing what is going on with me.
His growth is listening. He needs me to tell him things other people naturally pick up on. He has a handicap. but his heart is really kind.

now, if he weren't responding in a way that met my needs i wouldn't just accept his handicap as something i could work with. This isn't about self sacrifice actualky, it's something we both show up to and put effort in to be good to each other.

For example. We were together for months and he never came to see my business that i built and am proud of. i felt invisible in that sense. It hurt me. he didn't seem interested and i assumed he didn't care. Then i told him it would mean a lot to me if he came to see what i do because it is a big part of my life. That's all it took, he is happy to do that for me, and happy for me. He is avoidant and very busy, like lots of avoidants. I took it personally. until i learned to tell him about what i want and need and let him make me happy, he wasn't good at it. haha. what a buffoon.

so maybe that is too much work for some people, but that's what we do. if he needs or wants something to make him happier, he just tells me. so we don't assume or play games. it's pretty straightforward and we just agree that we like to be together.

But we don't have a "relationship" that we talk about. We just care about and respect each other day by day. if we get sideways because of some issue ,or impatient, we blow up and then calm it down. knowing we don't like to be apart is the driving thing, it's enough to make us work things out. but i get triggered by unexpected things because of my history, so does he. it takes one or the other of us being aware to work through it.

so it's not like a promise till death do us part, that means nothing to me. it's a day by day doing what feels right for ourselves and each other. i always fogure there are no guarantees for anything and like to just stay more in the moment anyway. it is what makes sense to me.

we are very independent in many ways from each other but there is nothing like the time we are together and it's just a given that we maintain it.

we have a custom built relationship to our own standards and it works for us even tho it wouldn't work for others. we know it. a lot of people need something completely different but this works good for us.

juniper, Like you, I would be perfectly fine without a label. Labels don't define a relationship. I think if it works, it works. I, too take my relationship day by day and I can relate to what you say completely. Being present in the happy moments is awesome.

mary, the whole labeling thing just ruins things for me.  when i was trying to research what a good relationship looked like that was a big requisite. 
there is a lot of information on relationships that just doesn't work for me as an avoidant.  i can't imagine being happy with what a lot of people are happy with in regard to that.  

i imagine that is what it feels like for a left handed person in a world of righties.

the good thing is that i had to learn a lot to figure out why i kept failing and that's how i found out about being dismissive.  also it's how i found out how to work with who i am and appreciate my partner for who he is.

relationships are very individual.  one size doesn't fit all.  and sometimes there are two lefts.  it makes you have to  figure out yourself and be true to how you really feel, having to navigate all that.

ocarina, i am so sorry. i understand everything you wrote very well, it is a good description of me and my partner for the most part , only our time frame is shorter and we are still negotiating a way forward.

it could be that i have voluntarily relegated this relationship to the small slice of my time and investment i have made available for it, and that i will ultimately outgrow it as i grow. I know that is a possibility. like i said it is a day by day, 'growing in awareness and honesty' situation. it's enough to keep me on my toes striving to be emotionally honest, for sure. that is enough.

i have been more honest and vulnerable over time with this partner than i have with anyone, ever. that means i have had to work through some 180 degree turns as i realize i am not being authentic. then i have to switch course and try again. i realize as i go, how defended i am. so i have gone from being an emotionless shallow actor to someone putting it all out there. and sometimes i still hide and have to catch myself. it's a process. he is understanding so that makes me feel ok but how ok am i really? that's the question for an avoidant i am finding. How ok am i, really? egads.

i have accepted his limitations and found some compassion for them probably because i am so aware of my own! i see it as kind of amazing that either of us has let the other in, at all, given the backgrounds. it's good for now, maybe it won't be later? i don't know. i don't pretend to know.

it comes down to the choice of having something, or nothing for me. I am aware that there are few people i would to have in my life in the capacity of an intimate partner . i could dedicate myself to other things and just have no one in this capacity, or i could have what i have with him. i don't see another option. and it's ok. really, i think i believe it's this or nothing and i choose this. Is that because i limit myself, or because i have limitations imposed on me by the greater scheme? i have no idea. everything i believe points to self sufficiency so actually by being in a relationship of sorts i almost feel like i am cheating at the game of life. that's how my mind works.

i can't imagine letting someone else in.
i chose him specifically and there are many reasons why, reasons i am aware of but probably some reasons i am not yet aware of. i'm still working things out in myself.
i have already let him in and i would like to see him stay.

but, it does drive me further into self sufficiency in some ways! i have no intention to become more emotionally reliant on someone. i will offer myself the best i can, but i don't see needing someone, to the point i would be devastated if they were gone. i don't. i am not accustomed to having a partner ask how i am. for me, it's real growth to just offer that information spontaneously because i want to. when i do that he always listens attentively and offers support if i am hurting or gladness if i am happy. I am handicapped and i know it. he does ask me how my day was. do i need more? it's more than i get when i am alone. i told him one time that was my dream. to have a partner ask how my day was. so he does.

Maybe there is more i should want, i don't know. i am happy that when i send him a picture of something i made, or something i appreciate, he takes the time to answer me even though he is busy. the bar is pretty low haha. it's those little things that make me feel good through the week when we are not together. I am happy or at least ok with very little.

i think maybe we find ourselves in the relationships we need, at the time, to grow. if we can keep growing then it will be sustained. if it begins to limit us, we have to move on.

sigh. my big objective is to keep growing. i have my sights on the bigger picture. he is just a part of it. it's a small part of my life. it means much to me, but everything is relative. we are all going to have to say goodbye, sometimes unexpectedly. i guess i just want to kind of be the best i can be with what is in front of me and strive to grow where i am instead of leaving it and looking for something else.

you may be far ahead of me, i can't say! i have no idea. i'm sorry that in two sentences, you were given such a difficult decision. i get it. it's heavy for the heart.

i'm sorry.

i was going to write, that i am presently less concerned with the outcome of my relationship than wether or not i am showing up honestly in real time, now.
and this is exactly why. you never know when the rug gets pulled.

the biggest fear i have is not that someone will trick and mislead me, but that i will mislead myself.

sobering.
@mary are you ok?

Oh Mary - so sorry - as Juniper said, we, who have the thickest most impenetrable defences finally allow someone in, show our soft underbellies for a brief second and then "boom" we are lost.

That was the hardest thing to come to terms with for me at the end of my relationship - that finally I was brave enough to really say what I needed and ask for help and then suddenly that was it. Nothing. The one thing I really fear was to finally trust and be betrayed - makes it difficult to contemplate ever going there again.

What a horrible thing for you - how are you doing Mary?