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Post by Deleted on Mar 18, 2018 19:16:52 GMT
I would struggle to forgive this - although forgiveness in the end is something you do for your own benefit so as not to have to carry the weight of hatred around rather than condoning the act. For me it would speak so loud of my partner that he even contemplated saying this that I would lose all respect - and for myself if I remained. I guess I didn't mean forgiveness, because I know I will forgive and not carry that burden. I've already started to dismiss it. I guess I'm asking if you would stay, which you answered. I think the same. How can I respect myself and stay? |
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Post by Deleted on Mar 18, 2018 19:18:05 GMT
this is an issue of betrayal and not just inconsiderate behavior.
the way i feel it.
it seems like a real betrayal.
an obliteration of trust.
that points to more than discomfort, to me it points to dangerZ
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Post by Deleted on Mar 18, 2018 19:20:52 GMT
I would struggle to forgive this - although forgiveness in the end is something you do for your own benefit so as not to have to carry the weight of hatred around rather than condoning the act. For me it would speak so loud of my partner that he even contemplated saying this that I would lose all respect - and for myself if I remained. I guess I didn't mean forgiveness, because I know I will forgive and not carry that burden. I've already started to dismiss it. I guess I'm asking if you would stay, which you answered. I think the same. How can I respect myself and stay? that's how i saw it also- we know how to forgive and unburden ourselves from the weight of someone else's bad bahvior, yes. but staying is another matter. there is a question of dignity, always for me. also, wether i am being true to myself. my first reaction is to slam the door. it might be a good reaction. it sucks. |
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Post by Deleted on Mar 18, 2018 19:27:01 GMT
@mary , i do not know. what did he say? i have come from a long history of very bad abuse, and i don't think abuse is ok. my line has gotten more and more clear over time, i like to think it's pretty good but just when i think i know something, i find out i have much more growing to do. would you mind sharing what he said and how it affected you? the fact that it was said casually in jest from what i understand is very troubling, as not even heat of the moment can explain it. not that heat of the moment insults are ok. i would never want to minimize a wound or bad behavior. i just want to understand more if you are willing to share He and his friend were having a "guy conversation" about blow jobs. I wasn't involved in the conversation, but I was at the table. Then my bf looked over at me and said "sucky sucky 5 dollah?". You can probably guess I am Asian. His friend was even appalled. Is there even an excuse for that?? no. ouch. very degrading. i hate it. |
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Post by Deleted on Mar 18, 2018 19:38:44 GMT
Yea, I've racked my brain for some explanation or some understanding of it and I cant think of anything. It was embarrassing, degrading and hurtful and I don't feel any of those things very often.
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Post by ocarina on Mar 18, 2018 19:39:12 GMT
I would suggest that is bordering on abusive.
You are absolutely right Mary - how could you tolerate being spoken to in that way and hold onto your self respect at the same time?
I am not sure if this is a universal avoidant behaviour but in my attempt to avoid conflict I very often find myself being incredibly accepting - accepting of the unacceptable, numbing feelings just to avoid having to take action. When is something not ok? I find this difficult to know - since I am not great at experiencing feelings and reacting appropriately. Whilst I know I have caused hurt to others by being avoidant I have also caused immense damage to myself by being over accepting - not sure if this resonates for you at all Mary - boundaries are tricky beasts....
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Post by Deleted on Mar 18, 2018 19:46:35 GMT
Yea, I've racked my brain for some explanation or some understanding of it and I cant think of anything. It was embarrassing, degrading and hurtful and I don't feel any of those things very often. well honestly i think it's a good sign you feel those things in response to this. i relate completely to ocarina 's following post about being to accepting due to being cut off from feelings. yes yes yes i have tolerated so much being impenetrable. i can't say if anything that hurt me along the way has remained a scar. i am not sure i let it in for long. but nowadays when i take a knife to my back i feel it. i don't have anyone in my life who is willing to cut me like that and certainly not in my inner circle. but i used to be surrounded. it was normal. so yeah, you're ok. you felt the pain from a painful action and noticed it. and that will guide your decisions. bettwr than navigating on autopilot anyway. this seems like meager encouragement but i am sincere. |
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Post by Deleted on Mar 18, 2018 19:48:43 GMT
I would suggest that is bordering on abusive. You are absolutely right Mary - how could you tolerate being spoken to in that way and hold onto your self respect at the same time? I am not sure if this is a universal avoidant behaviour but in my attempt to avoid conflict I very often find myself being incredibly accepting - accepting of the unacceptable, numbing feelings just to avoid having to take action. When is something not ok? I find this difficult to know - since I am not great at experiencing feelings and reacting appropriately. Whilst I know I have caused hurt to others by being avoidant I have also caused immense damage to myself by being over accepting - not sure if this resonates for you at all Mary - boundaries are tricky beasts.... Oh Definitely. He has made lots and lots of hurtful jokes in the past, not this bad, but I'm sure they wouldn't have been tolerated by other people. I didn't "feel" them for so long until one day it did hit me. It was like they had to build up for me to notice or I just avoided it. But this one hit me hard. I'm also mad at myself for letting it go on this long. It's like it had to punch me in the face before I realized this is wrong. |
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Post by Deleted on Mar 18, 2018 19:53:53 GMT
Yea, I've racked my brain for some explanation or some understanding of it and I cant think of anything. It was embarrassing, degrading and hurtful and I don't feel any of those things very often. well honestly i think it's a good sign you feel those things in response to this. i relate completely to ocarina 's following post about being to accepting due to being cut off from feelings. yes yes yes i have tolerated so much being impenetrable. i can't say if anything that hurt me along the way has remained a scar. i am not sure i let it in for long. but nowadays when i take a knife to my back i feel it. i don't have anyone in my life who is willing to cut me like that and certainly not in my inner circle. but i used to be surrounded. it was normal. so yeah, you're ok. you felt the pain from a painful action and noticed it. and that will guide your decisions. bettwr than navigating on autopilot anyway. this seems like meager encouragement but i am sincere. Thank you, I do appreciate it. Yes, I'm ok. I guess I'm lucky, I can dismiss him and the pain, but I am left with being mad at myself  |
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Post by Deleted on Mar 18, 2018 19:54:13 GMT
I would suggest that is bordering on abusive. You are absolutely right Mary - how could you tolerate being spoken to in that way and hold onto your self respect at the same time? I am not sure if this is a universal avoidant behaviour but in my attempt to avoid conflict I very often find myself being incredibly accepting - accepting of the unacceptable, numbing feelings just to avoid having to take action. When is something not ok? I find this difficult to know - since I am not great at experiencing feelings and reacting appropriately. Whilst I know I have caused hurt to others by being avoidant I have also caused immense damage to myself by being over accepting - not sure if this resonates for you at all Mary - boundaries are tricky beasts.... Oh Definitely. He has made lots and lots of hurtful jokes in the past, not this bad, but I'm sure they wouldn't have been tolerated by other people. I didn't "feel" them for so long until one day it did hit me. It was like they had to build up for me to notice or I just avoided it. But this one hit me hard. I'm also mad at myself for letting it go on this long. It's like it had to punch me in the face before I realized this is wrong. story of my life. youre not alone. but we are here talking about it so maybe that's progress. every little bit of awareness and self compassion we can eke out of these experiences is a bonus. some people never stop betraying themselves, some people never wake up. at least we are stirring. i am ever the optimist. |
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Post by Deleted on Mar 18, 2018 19:55:45 GMT
if you're like me you have spent many years getting run over and never telling anyone .
until you were almost dead.
so we're here for what it's worth.
i'm sorry.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 18, 2018 19:56:54 GMT
@mary you will forgive yourself and draw even closer to your truth.
my guess.
good for you.
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Post by tnr9 on Mar 18, 2018 21:28:25 GMT
well honestly i think it's a good sign you feel those things in response to this. i relate completely to ocarina 's following post about being to accepting due to being cut off from feelings. yes yes yes i have tolerated so much being impenetrable. i can't say if anything that hurt me along the way has remained a scar. i am not sure i let it in for long. but nowadays when i take a knife to my back i feel it. i don't have anyone in my life who is willing to cut me like that and certainly not in my inner circle. but i used to be surrounded. it was normal. so yeah, you're ok. you felt the pain from a painful action and noticed it. and that will guide your decisions. bettwr than navigating on autopilot anyway. this seems like meager encouragement but i am sincere. Thank you, I do appreciate it. Yes, I'm ok. I guess I'm lucky, I can dismiss him and the pain, but I am left with being mad at myself How thoughtless of him....Mary.....I am so very sorry....There really isn't anything else I can say. You are a very strong and beautiful woman and I so appreciate your strength and not just sweeping that remark asise. |
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Post by ocarina on Mar 18, 2018 21:31:36 GMT
I would suggest that is bordering on abusive. You are absolutely right Mary - how could you tolerate being spoken to in that way and hold onto your self respect at the same time? I am not sure if this is a universal avoidant behaviour but in my attempt to avoid conflict I very often find myself being incredibly accepting - accepting of the unacceptable, numbing feelings just to avoid having to take action. When is something not ok? I find this difficult to know - since I am not great at experiencing feelings and reacting appropriately. Whilst I know I have caused hurt to others by being avoidant I have also caused immense damage to myself by being over accepting - not sure if this resonates for you at all Mary - boundaries are tricky beasts.... Oh Definitely. He has made lots and lots of hurtful jokes in the past, not this bad, but I'm sure they wouldn't have been tolerated by other people. I didn't "feel" them for so long until one day it did hit me. It was like they had to build up for me to notice or I just avoided it. But this one hit me hard. I'm also mad at myself for letting it go on this long. It's like it had to punch me in the face before I realized this is wrong. Mary - I can relate to this - please don't be mad at yourself - we have all built these behaviour patterns as self protection and the tolerance is just part of that. I have sometimes felt that the world could literally explode all around me and I would carry on looking just fine. Same with my relationship, the little hurts built up again and again and again until the straw that broke the camels back. Funny that so often as avoidants we are vilified for hurting others but we endure with real fortitude such a huge amount of hurt - but it doesn't show, it just leaves scars inside at least I think it does. Sometimes there is such a time delay in my actually feeling things that it is difficult to tell but I think from experience, most hurts come out some way down the line. |
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Post by Deleted on Mar 18, 2018 21:45:16 GMT
Oh Definitely. He has made lots and lots of hurtful jokes in the past, not this bad, but I'm sure they wouldn't have been tolerated by other people. I didn't "feel" them for so long until one day it did hit me. It was like they had to build up for me to notice or I just avoided it. But this one hit me hard. I'm also mad at myself for letting it go on this long. It's like it had to punch me in the face before I realized this is wrong. Mary - I can relate to this - please don't be mad at yourself - we have all built these behaviour patterns as self protection and the tolerance is just part of that. I have sometimes felt that the world could literally explode all around me and I would carry on looking just fine. Same with my relationship, the little hurts built up again and again and again until the straw that broke the camels back. Funny that so often as avoidants we are vilified for hurting others but we endure with real fortitude such a huge amount of hurt - but it doesn't show, it just leaves scars inside at least I think it does. Sometimes there is such a time delay in my actually feeling things that it is difficult to tell but I think from experience, most hurts come out some way down the line. the way i see it, is that the biggest injured group being hurt by DA's is the group at the other end of the insecurely attached spectrum, so the blaming of the DA is really part of the dysfunction. it's all messy. we are all engaged in self defeating beliefs and behaviors. so it's just roles and illusions as far as i am concerned. i don't worry about that any more. my avoidant traits aren't all bad, either. i am good at things that others aren't, i have stability to offer in other ways, i'm very resilient and reasonable about lots of things... many facets to an individual and there isn't a flaw in every single facet! i would never want someone to betray or hurt themselves to be with me, i know my limitations. i am trying hard to honor myself and the ones i am involved with, friends, family, acquaintances, all people. i haven't always been awake. i got hurt, others got hurt. let someone throw rocks in the glass house. i can't waste my energy on that argument , i've got healing to do. i'm with you ocarina, i have to pay attention to how i have harmed myself, unconsciously. once i get a handle on that i can be better to others also. i'm working on it. there's a lot of good i do accomplish for myself and others, but my purpose on this board is to examine my weakness. so here we are. |
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