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Post by leavethelighton on Apr 23, 2018 0:14:46 GMT
Do you want to continue dating her? Also is it possible you sent mixed messaging over those 2 days? What do you mean by "bargain"-- were you definitely on the same page as to what exactly the bargain was?
I think it's best that you said something, however-- pretending would have been worse.
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Post by leavethelighton on Apr 23, 2018 0:16:19 GMT
Yasmin, what are these stages you are writing about ("stage 5 clinger")?
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Post by yasmin on Apr 23, 2018 6:48:55 GMT
It's just a line from a movie  |
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Post by mrob on Apr 23, 2018 7:25:11 GMT
Thanks so much, yasmin . I really appreciate what most people would see as obvious. I really flipped out over only a few words. Now I feel that it's all ruined. Sad part is that I'm not sure I'm worried about it being over, just "not again!" As she said last night, if to love you is a crime, then I'll move on. Cried afterwards, because that's exactly how loving me seems to be. Sigh. The need to change gets more imperative. |
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Post by yasmin on Apr 23, 2018 11:19:15 GMT
Thanks so much, yasmin . I really appreciate what most people would see as obvious. I really flipped out over only a few words. Now I feel that it's all ruined. Sad part is that I'm not sure I'm worried about it being over, just "not again!" As she said last night, if to love you is a crime, then I'll move on. Cried afterwards, because that's exactly how loving me seems to be. Sigh. The need to change gets more imperative. I'm sending you a big hug. I identify so much with how you feel right now. It doesn't sound ruined though...it just sounds like you're doing your best. |
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Post by Deleted on Apr 23, 2018 13:06:46 GMT
It's obvious to me too that it's too soon to say that, and it's not cool to "check up" on you on FB, etc. I'd feel my boundaries violated in your shoes. Love is something that builds up over time, like a ripening fruit. However, do bear in mind that when women have sex with their partners, we get this dose of oxytoxin that trigger intense bonding. I'm always a fan of taking it slow to see if we can be friends first before sleeping together, eg 3 months of casual dating?, because it means my emotions might get caught up if physical intimacy begin too soon. And yes, Stage 5 clingers sound scary!  |
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Post by yasmin on Apr 23, 2018 14:07:00 GMT
Yes I agree. I'd feel pressured and violated too but I also agree that women feel vulnerable after sex at times and a dose of reassurance can calm any sense of anxiety quite easily. If she's AP though a dose of reassurance might not be enough!
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Post by Deleted on Apr 23, 2018 17:09:20 GMT
Thanks so much, yasmin . I really appreciate what most people would see as obvious. I really flipped out over only a few words. Now I feel that it's all ruined. Sad part is that I'm not sure I'm worried about it being over, just "not again!" As she said last night, if to love you is a crime, then I'll move on. Cried afterwards, because that's exactly how loving me seems to be. Sigh. The need to change gets more imperative. Her behavior seems over the top for seeing someone for 4 weeks. She sounds very anxious. I think you are seeing your internal workings in light of her reactions and if her reactions are over the top, yours will, in a sense, seem "worse". If you date someone more balanced, I think you will see something different. |
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Post by yasmin on Apr 23, 2018 18:38:30 GMT
I'll speak up a little in defense of mrob s new mystery woman here... I'm 40 now, and most of my friends are around 35 - 50 and I have quite a few who are divorced and on the dating scene. We actually have a little group of single gals who chat daily with updates of their dating escapades - some stories funny, some scary and some would turn your hair white. Most of these girls go on 20 -30 dates a year and they're pretty active with dating. I am the only one who isn't! The point of this is that I hear a LOT of what goes on for single women in this age range who are out dating right now, and I think it could turn even the most secure person into a neurotic mess. I honestly believe the current environment (particularly online dating) is pretty destructive to the warmth, trust and openess that should be just inherent when you start dating someone new. I'd say on average that out of every 10 dates I hear about my friends going on - 9 of them the guy is a liar, seeing lots of women, blows hot and cold or is "not ready for a relationship" or starts looking for someone else online as soon as he gets sex. The environment has become a battlefield and so I think women in general are approaching the first few weeks of a new relationship (especially once sex is on the table) with a degree of vigilance. We call it "candy store mentality", which I think the likes of Tinder and other apps have created where men will often be texting back and forth with various women and constantly looking for the next best thing. These apps have turned regular guys into real casanovas, and there's also a total lack of manners and basic dating courtesy - with behavior like "ghosting" being almost accepted as normal now. When my 40 something friends go on a good date, almost every time they are back at home that night or the next day watching in dismay as the guy suddenly doesn't reply as quickly to her texts and is logging onto match.com - it's seriously brutal. And I think this environment has created a sense of anxiety and paranoia in women. Only in the first few weeks though, where the woman is having sex with the guy and wondering if she can trust him. She's wondering whether he is okay to be vulnerable. And during that phase even my most sensible friends can turn into paranoid wrecks waiting for that text or that call. It doesn't mean they are going to be anxious partners or that they are needy or clingy - it's just a reflection that the sex has move at a faster speed than the trust. I think men, if they like a woman, should invest a few weeks in making her feel respected, valued, safe- and then once she doesn't feel he is a player or another guy who is going to disappoint her; I think she might relax. Of course not always the case, but it's what I experience with my friends. They are all just waiting for a guy to come along and make them feel comfortable enough to get to the next stage and it feels like nowadays that is a rare find. |
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Post by tnr9 on Apr 23, 2018 18:55:23 GMT
I'll speak up a little in defense of mrob s new mystery woman here... I'm 40 now, and most of my friends are around 35 - 50 and I have quite a few who are divorced and on the dating scene. We actually have a little group of single gals who chat daily with updates of their dating escapades - some stories funny, some scary and some would turn your hair white. Most of these girls go on 20 -30 dates a year and they're pretty active with dating. I am the only one who isn't! The point of this is that I hear a LOT of what goes on for single women in this age range who are out dating right now, and I think it could turn even the most secure person into a neurotic mess. I honestly believe the current environment (particularly online dating) is pretty destructive to the warmth, trust and openess that should be just inherent when you start dating someone new. I'd say on average that out of every 10 dates I hear about my friends going on - 9 of them the guy is a liar, seeing lots of women, blows hot and cold or is "not ready for a relationship" or starts looking for someone else online as soon as he gets sex. The environment has become a battlefield and so I think women in general are approaching the first few weeks of a new relationship (especially once sex is on the table) with a degree of vigilance. We call it "candy store mentality", which I think the likes of Tinder and other apps have created where men will often be texting back and forth with various women and constantly looking for the next best thing. These apps have turned regular guys into real casanovas, and there's also a total lack of manners and basic dating courtesy - with behavior like "ghosting" being almost accepted as normal now. When my 40 something friends go on a good date, almost every time they are back at home that night or the next day watching in dismay as the guy suddenly doesn't reply as quickly to her texts and is logging onto match.com - it's seriously brutal. And I think this environment has created a sense of anxiety and paranoia in women. Only in the first few weeks though, where the woman is having sex with the guy and wondering if she can trust him. She's wondering whether he is okay to be vulnerable. And during that phase even my most sensible friends can turn into paranoid wrecks waiting for that text or that call. It doesn't mean they are going to be anxious partners or that they are needy or clingy - it's just a reflection that the sex has move at a faster speed than the trust. I think men, if they like a woman, should invest a few weeks in making her feel respected, valued, safe- and then once she doesn't feel he is a player or another guy who is going to disappoint her; I think she might relax. Of course not always the case, but it's what I experience with my friends. They are all just waiting for a guy to come along and make them feel comfortable enough to get to the next stage and it feels like nowadays that is a rare find. Thank you Yasmin. 😀 |
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Post by mrob on Apr 23, 2018 19:14:55 GMT
I’d agree with most of those points.
It does work both ways, though. If you’re not a conventionally attractive man, try getting matches on that awful app in the first place! That one wielded one lady that did exactly as you’re saying. I wanted a little more communication, and I was told that if I needed that validation I wasn’t getting it from her! Talk about the boot being on the other foot! She just disappeared. So, I get it, and it happens on both sides.
Can’t we just settle in slowly? At our age, if you have any custody of kids, life is packed. In my case, a partner will not be my first priority. My daughter comes first. My work comes second. I need to provide for my daughter and myself. I have 50% care, so my work weaves in around that. I don’t have the time for a potential partner that someone else has. By necessity, some of this will look like it’s on my terms, and that’s way different than dating in your 20s with no cares in the world. Throw the lunacy of FA in there on top of that, and it’s a minefield!
Bearing in mind what has happened before, when I met this lady, I hid my profile. I can’t be shopping around. I’m honest about my past, and that in itself is enough to trigger anyone. I just want to go slowly. No rainbows and lollipops, no “hopelessly devoted to you”. We’re not in our 20s now. The fairytale is over. This is about getting on with each other. Whether my craziness is compatible with your craziness, as well as the normal compatibility stuff, and tolerance when things do
go a bit pear shaped.
This stuff is scary! Aren’t I allowed to be freaked out? The stakes are huge now. Mind you, they always were, but in my 20s I didn’t care.
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Post by tnr9 on Apr 23, 2018 19:23:21 GMT
I’d agree with most of those points. It does work both ways, though. If you’re not a conventionally attractive man, try getting matches on that awful app in the first place! That one wielded one lady that did exactly as you’re saying. I wanted a little more communication, and I was told that if I needed that validation I wasn’t getting it from her! Talk about the boot being on the other foot! She just disappeared. So, I get it, and it happens on both sides. Can’t we just settle in slowly? At our age, if you have any custody of kids, life is packed. In my case, a partner will not be my first priority. My daughter comes first. My work comes second. I need to provide for my daughter and myself. I have 50% care, so my work weaves in around that. I don’t have the time for a potential partner that someone else has. By necessity, some of this will look like it’s on my terms, and that’s way different than dating in your 20s with no cares in the world. Throw the lunacy of FA in there on top of that, and it’s a minefield! Have you raised that with her? That your priorities are first to your daughter and second to provide for her? It seems reasonable enough to put what priorities you have on the table. That way, she understands when you aren't able to respond right away there is a good chance you are addressing 1 of the 2 other priorities. It may seem obvious to you...but who knows where her thoughts go when she doesn't hear back. |
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Post by yasmin on Apr 23, 2018 19:27:08 GMT
oh sure, I know it happens both ways. There is still this problem though where women have their hands tied a little. If a guy likes you and calls you 3 times a day or texts a few times, it's romantic. If a woman did that?  ? OMG, you'd be getting a restraining order. Women just have to sit there and wait and see. they can't even ask what's going on because even a request for honesty is taken as being clingy. Social media does not help. The pressure of seeing someone has read your message but didn't reply, seeing they've posted on FB or logged onto the dating site but STILL didn't reply. Ugh. Breading ground for paranoia even for a sane person. When I was dating in my 20s it was always a guy I KIND of knew - from work, through friends or similar and we'd go on a date and I don't remember ever wondering if the guy was a "player" (don't think the word existed) or of there being a possibility that he was a liar, a jerk, married, using a fake name (happened to me twice online dating) and it was also understood that sex followed AFTER the friendship grew. Now it's a jungle! Now it seems like people jump into bed on the first date and before you know it the guy who was last night so romantic and sweet is right back swiping for someone else and you're wondering why he didn't call. This happens to my friends every single week. Before he's even bothered to DATE the first girl he is looking for a new one. So how does he even KNOW if he likes her or not?! It all feels like it's become very shallow. I know it does work both ways though! What I would really love is to meet someone who just said upfront "I'm not interested in chasing lots of women, I just want to enjoy getting to know you". And I'd like a reliable goodnight text and 2 dates a week doing something fun. the lack of transparency and honesty is a huge factor in why I don't date at all anymore. |
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Post by yasmin on Apr 23, 2018 19:30:59 GMT
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Post by mrob on Apr 23, 2018 19:36:51 GMT
Sorry, I went back and put more in in the last 10 minutes or so. I’d agree with most of those points. It does work both ways, though. If you’re not a conventionally attractive man, try getting matches on that awful app in the first place! That one wielded one lady that did exactly as you’re saying. I wanted a little more communication, and I was told that if I needed that validation I wasn’t getting it from her! Talk about the boot being on the other foot! She just disappeared. So, I get it, and it happens on both sides. Can’t we just settle in slowly? At our age, if you have any custody of kids, life is packed. In my case, a partner will not be my first priority. My daughter comes first. My work comes second. I need to provide for my daughter and myself. I have 50% care, so my work weaves in around that. I don’t have the time for a potential partner that someone else has. By necessity, some of this will look like it’s on my terms, and that’s way different than dating in your 20s with no cares in the world. Throw the lunacy of FA in there on top of that, and it’s a minefield! Bearing in mind what has happened before, when I met this lady, I hid my profile. I can’t be shopping around. I’m honest about my past, and that in itself is enough to trigger anyone. I just want to go slowly. No rainbows and lollipops, no “hopelessly devoted to you”. We’re not in our 20s now. The fairytale is over. This is about getting on with each other. Whether my craziness is compatible with your craziness, as well as the normal compatibility stuff, and tolerance when things do go a bit pear shaped. This stuff is scary! Aren’t I allowed to be freaked out? The stakes are huge now. Mind you, they always were, but in my 20s I didn’t care. |
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? OMG, you'd be getting a restraining order. Women just have to sit there and wait and see. they can't even ask what's going on because even a request for honesty is taken as being clingy.