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Post by mrob on Apr 16, 2018 8:39:00 GMT
I’ve been seeing someone way over the other side of town for 3 weeks. In the beginning, she said she was happy with morning and evening texts. We have been texting more though. Yesterday afternoon my phone ran out and I left it there. Sunday afternoon, everything’s taken care of workwise, could do with some quiet time. Turns out she messaged me, and saw me on FB, that I was using with my iPad. Anyway, I plug the phone in, and go to send a goodnight message to see 3 there from earlier on. Way earlier on. So I send a message, apologising, making a bit of a joke with the good humour in the message. This morning I get an irate message. I’ve activated all of her insecurities. Now I’m activated, and doing the best I can not to say anything, and feeling like a slave to the phone. I understand it’s reasonable and a misunderstanding, but I didn’t expect it to blow up like this!
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Post by tnr9 on Apr 16, 2018 13:00:54 GMT
I’ve been seeing someone way over the other side of town for 3 weeks. In the beginning, she said she was happy with morning and evening texts. We have been texting more though. Yesterday afternoon my phone ran out and I left it there. Sunday afternoon, everything’s taken care of workwise, could do with some quiet time. Turns out she messaged me, and saw me on FB, that I was using with my iPad. Anyway, I plug the phone in, and go to send a goodnight message to see 3 there from earlier on. Way earlier on. So I send a message, apologising, making a bit of a joke with the good humour in the message. This morning I get an irate message. I’ve activated all of her insecurities. Now I’m activated, and doing the best I can not to say anything, and feeling like a slave to the phone. I understand it’s reasonable and a misunderstanding, but I didn’t expect it to blow up like this! First of all...I am sorry that you are activated. I truly think the best way to address this is to have a face to face conversation with her. Life happens and her insecurities being activated is going to happen...and so will yours. So I think having open communication with a game plan for "what ifs" is good. FB really isn't a good tool for relationships....I really wish I had deleted mine during the time I dated B because I would see him online but not yet respond to a text and I would think he had seen my text and was ignoring it while choosing to engage with others. It was a completely fabricated attachment pain story that made me go down the wrong rabbit hole far too often. I agree with Future's suggestion of looking into attachment theory together. Hang in there. |
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Post by tnr9 on Apr 16, 2018 14:27:52 GMT
Actually, I just wanna know if she's aware of it because I would think mrob's approach would be different depending on that. Three weeks in and already freaking out about texts is a tad over the top. Maybe freaking out to yourself but sending an irate text back? Idk.... I would say that she likely is aware of her insecurities...but perhaps not tied specifically to attachment theory. I still think open dialogue is best. |
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Post by yasmin on Apr 16, 2018 22:47:37 GMT
Can you just try honesty and provide the reassurance? State to her "I like you, please don't read anything into things like that because they don't mean anything and I still like you just as much. I just don't have the same communication needs but I'll try and meet you halfway".
I'm FA and that would settle me. It's when people don't settle me that I get more and more activated. You've got the self awareness now to deal with this and the simple honesty might relax her considerably and thus she will happily give you all the space you need (hopefully)
Most of the AP posts on here are about them not understanding and trying to read the DAs mind. Maybe 50% of the pt9blem could be resolved with just open communication. Doesn't need to be emotional;)
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Post by Deleted on Apr 17, 2018 1:05:41 GMT
I’ve been seeing someone way over the other side of town for 3 weeks. In the beginning, she said she was happy with morning and evening texts. We have been texting more though. Yesterday afternoon my phone ran out and I left it there. Sunday afternoon, everything’s taken care of workwise, could do with some quiet time. Turns out she messaged me, and saw me on FB, that I was using with my iPad. Anyway, I plug the phone in, and go to send a goodnight message to see 3 there from earlier on. Way earlier on. So I send a message, apologising, making a bit of a joke with the good humour in the message. This morning I get an irate message. I’ve activated all of her insecurities. Now I’m activated, and doing the best I can not to say anything, and feeling like a slave to the phone. I understand it’s reasonable and a misunderstanding, but I didn’t expect it to blow up like this! Personally, I don't see her action as reasonable. No one should be a slave to the phone. |
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Post by scheme00 on Apr 17, 2018 4:47:15 GMT
I’ve been seeing someone way over the other side of town for 3 weeks. In the beginning, she said she was happy with morning and evening texts. We have been texting more though. Yesterday afternoon my phone ran out and I left it there. Sunday afternoon, everything’s taken care of workwise, could do with some quiet time. Turns out she messaged me, and saw me on FB, that I was using with my iPad. Anyway, I plug the phone in, and go to send a goodnight message to see 3 there from earlier on. Way earlier on. So I send a message, apologising, making a bit of a joke with the good humour in the message. This morning I get an irate message. I’ve activated all of her insecurities. Now I’m activated, and doing the best I can not to say anything, and feeling like a slave to the phone. I understand it’s reasonable and a misunderstanding, but I didn’t expect it to blow up like this! Personally, I don't see her action as reasonable. No one should be a slave to the phone. I agree with Mary. She is being unreasonable and needy. I am AP, this would make me put up my defenses. This would really frustrate me too. I’ve actually broke up with people I’ve been starting to date before because of actions like this because it will most likely only get worse. She is not being reasonable at all and may be on the extreme end of AP which is not good for anyone. Nobody wants a “stage 5 clinger!” |
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Post by mrob on Apr 17, 2018 21:06:22 GMT
Thanks, everyone. Just getting it out there relieved the worst of my madness.
We spoke that night and I described the feeling of engulfment that happens. That I felt a slave to the phone, and accountable for each minute of my day. We talked about the things that happened to her that made her respond that way.
No, she has no idea of attachment theory, and I’m not sure I want to bring this level of complication in right now.
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Post by tnr9 on Apr 17, 2018 21:17:57 GMT
Thanks, everyone. Just getting it out there relieved the worst of my madness. We spoke that night and I described the feeling of engulfment that happens. That I felt a slave to the phone, and accountable for each minute of my day. We talked about the things that happened to her that made her respond that way. No, she has no idea of attachment theory, and I’m not sure I want to bring this level of complication in right now. That is great news! Glad you were able to discuss things openly. And I agree that posting does help. 🙂 |
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Post by scheme00 on Apr 17, 2018 21:34:54 GMT
I think it would definitely help if she is made aware she’s AP.
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Post by yasmin on Apr 18, 2018 23:38:39 GMT
That's great! Let us know if this helps. I'd be interested to know if that kind of communication can help break the cycle.
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Post by mrob on Apr 21, 2018 14:30:07 GMT
So, today, after two days together, she sends me a message wanting to wake up every morning alongside me. I know it’s a sentiment, but I didn’t want to let it go, to become bigger later. Been there, done that. I tried to get the message across in a way that wouldn’t hurt, but I should have known it was impossible. Then I freak out she’s angry with me, which, of course she was. Goes to show, even with a bit of an idea, it’s still hard!
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Post by yasmin on Apr 21, 2018 14:45:38 GMT
How did it make you feel when she said that?
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Post by mrob on Apr 21, 2018 15:37:35 GMT
Scared and conflicted. If I say nothing, then I’m setting myself up for something I don’t want, if I say something, I’ll be acting in type and setting up a push pull dynamic. Frustrated that people can’t keep to their part of the bargain and get whisked off by premature emotions.
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Post by yasmin on Apr 21, 2018 20:08:57 GMT
mrob, I remember you saying in earlier posts that you equated love with pain or something along those lines. So this woman is saying she wants to wake up with you every morning and I guess the subtext of a comment like that is that this is something someone might say in the early stages of a new infatuation where loving feelings are growing. So she says that, and the meaning (for me anyway is) "I really like you, I am starting to have feelings" and that means love...which for you means pain. Maybe you can try and deactivate yourself a little with some logic... 1. People say shit like that at romantic moments - it doesn't mean love - it means romance and infatuation. 2. Real love takes a long time to feel / grow - this is just enjoying time with someone who really likes you. 3. You can leave at any time you want to. 4. "Most" people would find her saying that kind of sweet - they'd read a compliment into it. 3. The reason you're reacting this way is because for you...love = pain...but that is not truth. Love doesn't really mean pain. Not really. I am FA too, and we activate differently. For me, words like this will help me feel relaxed and safe getting to know the person because I feel like they really like me. For you, words like this create a different effect and mean you're heading towards something you don't want at a speed you don't like and it activates you. What we do share is the fundamental feeling that love = pain. I think that's the core of FA attachment. You must know, like I do, that this statement is just not truth though. Love is actually everything good, everything worth having, everything of value in our lifetime on this planet. For us it means pain because that's been OUR experience. You described your situation with your Mum and Grandma and subsequent marriage and ALL of that was not really your fault - you were just working from a template formed at such a young age. You're different now - you're aware of the stuff. You're aware of yourself. To some degree you have to trust in your own ability to make better choices now that you know more. I'm not saying this woman might not be a stage 5 clinger. She might be! Watch her behavior and actions but also trust yourself to distinguish between someone who's open, warm, loving towards you and someone who's needy, clingy and suffocating. Think about how you feel when you're with her, rather than reactions to off the cuff comments that would be seen by most people as cute and romantic. Also though, I don't think saying something is "acting in type". I think what FAs do when they get scared and confused is pull away, call less, start looking for someone else and tell themselves all the reasons this person is wrong for them. Having a conversation where you say to a person "when you say something like that it makes me feel freaked out. It's premature for me. I need to feel like things move slowly or I react by wanting to step away" then you're being the opposite of avoidant really. You're owning your own reactions, you're communicating, you're actually being intimate by discussing that. If she is the right person, she's going to listen to you. If you say it and she flips out and starts being needy and demanding then I think she is probably the wrong person for you. You're a good guy, it's very clear from all your posts, and you're not broken or damaged - you're healing from all this and you need to be with someone who can get it and who can support you with it. I know that when I begin and kind of relationship the right guy for me is going to want to understand what an FA is, what my triggers are, what my idiosyncrasies are and I don't want to have to feel anxious or marginalise myself to not rock the boat.
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Post by tnr9 on Apr 21, 2018 20:26:02 GMT
So, today, after two days together, she sends me a message wanting to wake up every morning alongside me. I know it’s a sentiment, but I didn’t want to let it go, to become bigger later. Been there, done that. I tried to get the message across in a way that wouldn’t hurt, but I should have known it was impossible. Then I freak out she’s angry with me, which, of course she was. Goes to show, even with a bit of an idea, it’s still hard! Oh...she is 3 steps ahead of you.  . I had that brought up with me as well...and, I had to agree that I was in "future" mode and was adding pressure to something that was so very new. I am sorry this has been so triggering for you. |
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. I had that brought up with me as well...and, I had to agree that I was in "future" mode and was adding pressure to something that was so very new. I am sorry this has been so triggering for you.