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Post by tnr9 on Jun 2, 2018 11:02:24 GMT
So in saying all that about people treating us badly and we still give ...i am right in saying that this guy is being thoughtless and disrespectful? The problem i have is trusting my own judgement when it comes to relationships...i can never decide whether his kind of behaviour is in fact crappy behaviour or just misunderstood? What if you took a risk this time and trusted what you are feeling? Because it seems to me that you have your answer...you just need to believe in yourself. If it comes from yourself, it will have more of an impact. 😀 |
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Post by ocarina on Jun 2, 2018 11:44:36 GMT
So in saying all that about people treating us badly and we still give ...i am right in saying that this guy is being thoughtless and disrespectful? The problem i have is trusting my own judgement when it comes to relationships...i can never decide whether his kind of behaviour is in fact crappy behaviour or just misunderstood? You don't need to judge his behaviour or to trust your judgement - most people who behave in damaging ways do so because they are damaged themselves. Instead allow and validate your feelings. What you need to look at is how the behaviour makes you feel - if it makes you feel crappy and you've asked him to change and he hasn't then your answer is loud and clear. He's making you feel bad so don't engage - it doesn't matter what his motive or why or whether he's a poor lost miserable soul. You can't do anything about that jazz - but you can control your own actions - don't engage. Full stop. You can still feel compassion for him and detach yourself from his mess. |
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Post by sandiew662 on Jun 2, 2018 11:45:46 GMT
Trust my view in tne opinion that hes behaving crappy?
Iv spent a lot of time reading up about avoident types and due to what hes been through in the past and the fact that i also saw a caring affectionate side to him ..i have difficulty defining what is and isnt acceptable in the circumstances. Some books wld say give him space ..empathise...hes afraid etc...some wld say ... its disrespectful behaviour regardless of his past experiences. This is my biggest problem ..indecision! i have a strong opinionated no bullshit side and a soft forgiving doormat side ...that may be reinforcing his behaviour.
I flip flap between the 2 opinions ...in other areas im indeoendant...feisty but fair ..i struggle to decide whether in this situ im being 1. A desperate clinger or a consustent empath.
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Post by sandiew662 on Jun 2, 2018 11:50:05 GMT
Iv just seen ur last post ..yeah i agree...i suppose if i leave it now my door is open for respectful contact and im looking after myself too by not reacting to his recent ignore..or repeatedly being open to more ignoring I suppose in instances like this , my non response would say a thoussnd words.
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Post by ocarina on Jun 2, 2018 11:56:29 GMT
You don't need an opinion about him or his behaviour - you need instead to look only at how you feel.
It doesn't matter what he is - it matters that you listen to your feelings - and really experience them, putting the focus back on you.
Treat yourself as though you matter and the rest will follow - and when I talk about yourself - I don't mean your image of yourself as a saviour, rather the human being inside.
Tricky stuff but it gets easier with practice.
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Post by tnr9 on Jun 2, 2018 12:19:14 GMT
The best way that I have seen it stated is that as APs, we will give to our partners what we need...thinking in our giving it to them, they will then reciprocate. Perhaps it might be easier to write on a sheet of paper all the things you would give to your partner (space, love, affection, forgiveness etc) and start applying them to yourself. That is how self confidence grows...by loving yourself first.
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Post by sandiew662 on Jun 2, 2018 12:43:45 GMT
I think that tnr9 has kinda hit the nail on the head when she said that we give what we would like to recieve...i know i wldv liked him to show me some cobsideration too...but there ya go thats my i secure self seeking validation from someone else rather than myself . Im not sure ocarina that i agree completely with the stance of "it doesnt matter what he does or dsnt do" because were not robots and we are all affected by others actions..thats what makes us human ..but i get your drift of it not being healthy for me to prioratise his behaviour above my own feelings xx and thankyou all for trying to help me understand this all better. Its a long long process isnt it !  |
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Post by leavethelighton on Jun 3, 2018 23:59:35 GMT
Detaching is very challenging for me...I suspect it may be for others with AP. It is a feeling of "giving up" on someone. When I was a child I never "gave up" on my mom or my dad...because there was this tremendous "hope" that things could change..so detaching in a sense reawakens in me a desire to cling even further. What works just a tad better for me is to own my attachment..to tell myself, I am choosing to stay attached to this person....however, that person is an autonomous individual and I am not responsible for the choices that he makes and nothing of what he is doing is personal or about me. It requires a lot of reminding, but it seems to be working.
Yes, I find it extremely difficult to give up. I can mostly do it eventually, but it takes years and years and I have to basically force myself to and I'm not sure it's ever really complete.
Giving up feels like failure.
It feels like doing to someone the opposite of what we wanted them to do to us. We wanted them to never give up on us, and even if they did-- it's hard to not want to prove that we wouldn't give up or the importance of the thing by in some way sticking around.
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Post by leavethelighton on Jun 4, 2018 0:03:41 GMT
The best way that I have seen it stated is that as APs, we will give to our partners what we need...thinking in our giving it to them, they will then reciprocate. Perhaps it might be easier to write on a sheet of paper all the things you would give to your partner (space, love, affection, forgiveness etc) and start applying them to yourself. That is how self confidence grows...by loving yourself first. I like this idea of an actual written list. I am going to try this. |
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Post by mistakes on Jun 4, 2018 5:37:04 GMT
Detaching is very challenging for me...I suspect it may be for others with AP. It is a feeling of "giving up" on someone. When I was a child I never "gave up" on my mom or my dad...because there was this tremendous "hope" that things could change..so detaching in a sense reawakens in me a desire to cling even further. What works just a tad better for me is to own my attachment..to tell myself, I am choosing to stay attached to this person....however, that person is an autonomous individual and I am not responsible for the choices that he makes and nothing of what he is doing is personal or about me. It requires a lot of reminding, but it seems to be working. Reading the dialogue on this post is like my inner dialogue too! Back and forward between totally detach or commuting to support by neglecting self need is a crazy process, it’s even more painful to see myself not able to stop myself from such process... the way you settle yourself does help to redirect the process to one focus: taking care of self, to have the strength to respect the other person’s autonomy! Thanks all for sharing~^^ |
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