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Post by alpenglow on Aug 13, 2018 13:36:41 GMT
Thank you very much!  Yes, at any rate, this was rude, regardless of any attachment style! She apologised several times, but still....flying a few hours across Europe to be met this way! That first night, she didn't even rejected me in a mean way. She was completely...frozen? This echoed with what I read about some DAs who completely shut down emotionally. There wasn't any conflict in between us prior to my visit, though. Besides her becoming distant in the two-three days before my arrival. Not sure if she truly used me for sex, because I still think she genuinely cared about me, she was quite open about a lot of things. At least the rest of the weekend was quite pleasant, and the sex was awesome...so it was good for something  But yeah, I'm glad I respected myself! I'm not completely done with her (since I still have some contact), but I did the most important job, and I know that I can stand for myself again if needed! I was a lot more depressed in January than I am now. It still goes up and down. That's why doing something like a trip around the world seems like an interesting direction for me to take at this stage! Tired of my job, my life, lack of local friends...It won't happen just now, 6 months at the earliest, but it's coming! I'll keep you posted  Or even visit board members, wherever they may live! Thanks again for the kind words everyone, makes me feel better (not very surprising for an AP!)  |
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Post by alpenglow on Aug 13, 2018 13:54:21 GMT
Well, I don't know if she's avoidant or not. I guess it's something she should look for herself. I'm absolutely sure this is not a normal reaction, but she could just me immature. I think sometimes LDR make us fall for a fantasy, but if she felt awkard she didn't handle it well. As Juniper says, it seems almost like she used you in some kind of way. I think she didn't mean it but… she's not the most secure person ever, I guess. If she wants to travel and she's dealing with cancer in her family she's mostly trying to run away to find 'answers'. Maybe she's right and she met the right person at the wrong time… but that is something she must resolve within herself. The one that backs away should be the one to close the gap again. Do not wait for her. I think you should focus on how well you handled this and continue in taking decisions that will help you obtain a more secure core and, consequently, the type of relationship you want. It is an attractive way of dealing with this, and you seem like a good guy! Do your own thing: do meaningful things, meet other people, go out with your good friends I agree with you. It's actually up to her to look for herself. Not a normal reaction, no....she must be very conflicted. And, like many of us, had a traumatic childhood (even though she doesn't seem to be aware of it...but her anxious sister definitey is). So, no, I truly do not think she meant it.
In our mini-relationship, she really appreciated the way that I could understand her sister and her, what seemed like, typical AP "protest behaviours". You could say that she used my insight as a way to justify the way she was handling her sister.
Yes, the one that backs away should be the one one to close the gap again!
LDR can make us fall for a fantasy, this is true. I've recently joined a (female) group of backpackers on Facebook (the two sisters were members and invited me...some men are allowed). There are many people in there who've had LTRs, and very few lasted for more than a few months or a year at max. But some worked out and ended with mariages. What's interesting to see is that many of these female backpackers seem to be anxious or avoidant types!
My therapist told me the same thing: that I should keep the focus on how well I handled this! Let's try to continue handling this way, until I meet someone who is not as conflicted, and who can also handle some aspects of my anxious nature, on my way to becoming more secure.
"do meaningful things, meet other people, go out with your good friends": this nicely sums up what I am planning on doing with this trip of mine!
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Post by lilyg on Aug 13, 2018 14:04:43 GMT
Thank you very much! Yes, at any rate, this was rude, regardless of any attachment style! She apologised several times, but still....flying a few hours across Europe to be met this way! That first night, she didn't even rejected me in a mean way. She was completely...frozen? This echoed with what I read about some DAs who completely shut down emotionally. There wasn't any conflict in between us prior to my visit, though. Besides her becoming distant in the two-three days before my arrival. Not sure if she truly used me for sex, because I still think she genuinely cared about me, she was quite open about a lot of things. At least the rest of the weekend was quite pleasant, and the sex was awesome...so it was good for something But yeah, I'm glad I respected myself! I'm not completely done with her (since I still have some contact), but I did the most important job, and I know that I can stand for myself again if needed! I was a lot more depressed in January than I am now. It still goes up and down. That's why doing something like a trip around the world seems like an interesting direction for me to take at this stage! Tired of my job, my life, lack of local friends...It won't happen just now, 6 months at the earliest, but it's coming! I'll keep you posted Or even visit board members, wherever they may live! Thanks again for the kind words everyone, makes me feel better (not very surprising for an AP!) Now that's something great. A friend of mine is currently traveling through Latin America after a nasty divorce and he's sooo happy. He's fallen in love with my home country (I'm not currently living there so I was really envious seeing him enjoying the experience hahaha) and started a blog about traveling and I swear it has been a life-changing experience for him! And that's right, nobody will fight for your own happiness but you. Keep on doing that, continue your therapy, and I'm sure everything else will fall into place. Cheers |
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Post by notalone on Aug 13, 2018 14:07:56 GMT
Whatever her attachment style, I think the important thing is that you sensed something was amiss, and you were right. I often sense things about people but I have a hard time trusting myself, just to find out later my intuition was dead on. I think it's important to take away that you sensed something was off and you were right, and that your intuition is something to take seriously. Now, even though we serve ourselves best by focusing on ourselves and not making guesses about others we don't know well enough, I will say that if I had to take a guess for a million dollars, I'd bet on DA |
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Post by lilyg on Aug 13, 2018 14:10:42 GMT
Well, I don't know if she's avoidant or not. I guess it's something she should look for herself. I'm absolutely sure this is not a normal reaction, but she could just me immature. I think sometimes LDR make us fall for a fantasy, but if she felt awkard she didn't handle it well. As Juniper says, it seems almost like she used you in some kind of way. I think she didn't mean it but… she's not the most secure person ever, I guess. If she wants to travel and she's dealing with cancer in her family she's mostly trying to run away to find 'answers'. Maybe she's right and she met the right person at the wrong time… but that is something she must resolve within herself. The one that backs away should be the one to close the gap again. Do not wait for her. I think you should focus on how well you handled this and continue in taking decisions that will help you obtain a more secure core and, consequently, the type of relationship you want. It is an attractive way of dealing with this, and you seem like a good guy! Do your own thing: do meaningful things, meet other people, go out with your good friends I agree with you. It's actually up to her to look for herself. Not a normal reaction, no....she must be very conflicted. And, like many of us, had a traumatic childhood (even though she doesn't seem to be aware of it...but her anxious sister definitey is). So, no, I truly do not think she meant it.
In our mini-relationship, she really appreciated the way that I could understand her sister and her, what seemed like, typical AP "protest behaviours". You could say that she used my insight as a way to justify the way she was handling her sister.
Yes, the one that backs away should be the one one to close the gap again!
LDR can make us fall for a fantasy, this is true. I've recently joined a (female) group of backpackers on Facebook (the two sisters were members and invited me...some men are allowed). There are many people in there who've had LTRs, and very few lasted for more than a few months or a year at max. But some worked out and ended with mariages. What's interesting to see is that many of these female backpackers seem to be anxious or avoidant types!
My therapist told me the same thing: that I should keep the focus on how well I handled this! Let's try to continue handling this way, until I meet someone who is not as conflicted, and who can also handle some aspects of my anxious nature, on my way to becoming more secure.
"do meaningful things, meet other people, go out with your good friends": this nicely sums up what I am planning on doing with this trip of mine!
About LDR, I've meet a lot of people who end up getting married but it only works if both are willing to compromise and there's a specific date to end to the distance. I think it's like being in a relationship on an 'expert level' hahaha. I wouldn't be able to pull that! I call the "do meaningful things, meet other people, go out with your good friends" the athlete way of dealing with a break-up. You'll be ok, I'm sure! Take care! |
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Post by alpenglow on Aug 13, 2018 14:12:04 GMT
Yeah! I heard many similar stories, especially on that Facebook group I mentioned. I think it's even more efficient for those who just went through a difficult breakup! But still beneficial for many, also those who generally suffer from depression or a lack of direction in life. Can be stressing for those who are not yet used to travelling, but I am not worried about that. I have already travelled quite a lot, and this is when I am at my best! (one of the few areas where I have a lot of self-confidence!). Can so understand how you can be envious of your friend by looking at his travel pics Thanks again for the encouragement |
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Post by alpenglow on Aug 13, 2018 14:16:28 GMT
Haha, yeah, I can see how you might view LDRs as relationships on an "expert level"! Definitely a lot of crash and burn, especially for insecure types... The athlete way of dealing with a break-up, right! Not bad I don't feel devastated by this experience, unlike my previous one back in January. Just generally tired of meeting this type of people! I may attract them and I may be attracted to them, but there are statistically many of those around us! |
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Post by alpenglow on Aug 13, 2018 14:28:40 GMT
Whatever her attachment style, I think the important thing is that you sensed something was amiss, and you were right. I often sense things about people but I have a hard time trusting myself, just to find out later my intuition was dead on. I think it's important to take away that you sensed something was off and you were right, and that your intuition is something to take seriously. Now, even though we serve ourselves best by focusing on ourselves and not making guesses about others we don't know well enough, I will say that if I had to take a guess for a million dollars, I'd bet on DA This is a tricky one, right? I had maaaany rounds about this very problem with my secure friend. I have usually good intuition (I was right on this one!), a sense that something is amiss, which I often back up by a rational analysis (based on attachment theory and "red flags"). When I described the whole development of this relationship to my friend as it unfolded, he obviously couldn't "feel" it the way I did it, and could only base his interpretations of my account of what happened between that girl and I. Since he is secure, he gives people the benefit of the doubt. Whereas APs are more prone to jump to conclusions, without enough information. And since we have a negative bias, we can be wrong many times. ("why didn't s/he text me back already?? Oh, right, s/he actually had a good excuse").
So yeah, it's really not easy to differentiate the right intuition from the default negative bias! It seems to me that secure people use facts a lot more than we insecures do. They look at behaviours, without any bias, and then make a judgement. While we insecures automatically make some sort of judgement because we get activated by something amiss way more quickly than secures do.
I'll make her take an attachment test. Pending approval, I will transfer a million dollars to your account |
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Post by lilyg on Aug 13, 2018 14:29:05 GMT
Haha, yeah, I can see how you might view LDRs as relationships on an "expert level"! Definitely a lot of crash and burn, especially for insecure types... The athlete way of dealing with a break-up, right! Not bad I don't feel devastated by this experience, unlike my previous one back in January. Just generally tired of meeting this type of people! I may attract them and I may be attracted to them, but there are statistically many of those around us! Well I've kissed quite a few frogs myself so I understand. I think almost everybody does until they find someone good for them. As notalone said, you were able to see something was off from the begining (hence this thread), so you're wiser today! |
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Post by alpenglow on Aug 13, 2018 14:32:19 GMT
Yes, this is true for everyone, even in between secure types.
I must say that I derive a great sense of intellectual satisfaction when I guess this sort of thing correctly!!
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Post by notalone on Aug 13, 2018 15:37:05 GMT
Whatever her attachment style, I think the important thing is that you sensed something was amiss, and you were right. I often sense things about people but I have a hard time trusting myself, just to find out later my intuition was dead on. I think it's important to take away that you sensed something was off and you were right, and that your intuition is something to take seriously. Now, even though we serve ourselves best by focusing on ourselves and not making guesses about others we don't know well enough, I will say that if I had to take a guess for a million dollars, I'd bet on DA This is a tricky one, right? I had maaaany rounds about this very problem with my secure friend. I have usually good intuition (I was right on this one!), a sense that something is amiss, which I often back up by a rational analysis (based on attachment theory and "red flags"). When I described the whole development of this relationship to my friend as it unfolded, he obviously couldn't "feel" it the way I did it, and could only base his interpretations of my account of what happened between that girl and I. Since he is secure, he gives people the benefit of the doubt. Whereas APs are more prone to jump to conclusions, without enough information. And since we have a negative bias, we can be wrong many times. ("why didn't s/he text me back already?? Oh, right, s/he actually had a good excuse").
So yeah, it's really not easy to differentiate the right intuition from the default negative bias! It seems to me that secure people use facts a lot more than we insecures do. They look at behaviours, without any bias, and then make a judgement. While we insecures automatically make some sort of judgement because we get activated by something amiss way more quickly than secures do.
I'll make her take an attachment test. Pending approval, I will transfer a million dollars to your account Ha ha ha ha ha please do! I could use the money! Seriously though, how awesome would it be to know someone’s attachment test score before you date them??? |
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Post by alpenglow on Aug 13, 2018 16:08:34 GMT
I know!! A friend of mine, who knows how obsessed I am with attachment theory (without really understanding it) told me that I should create a dating website based on attachment styles. But I told her that it wouldn't work. The few secures would have plenty of people to choose from, but why would they choose insecure dates over other secure ones? But this is what I try to determine early on, everytime I meet someone! This very often prompts me to create threads here, a bit like this one: "does this person seem avoidant to you given X and Y and Z?". I rely on my intuition like I wrote, but like any self-respecting (ah!) AP, I doubt myself and I always end up having to ask other people for confirmation!
Some experts say that attachment style can only reveal itself after 6 months, or even up to two years. In my experience, this can be revealed after 2-4 dates/a few weeks.
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Post by notalone on Aug 13, 2018 18:57:46 GMT
I know!! A friend of mine, who knows how obsessed I am with attachment theory (without really understanding it) told me that I should create a dating website based on attachment styles. But I told her that it wouldn't work. The few secures would have plenty of people to choose from, but why would they choose insecure dates over other secure ones? But this is what I try to determine early on, everytime I meet someone! This very often prompts me to create threads here, a bit like this one: "does this person seem avoidant to you given X and Y and Z?". I rely on my intuition like I wrote, but like any self-respecting (ah!) AP, I doubt myself and I always end up having to ask other people for confirmation!
Some experts say that attachment style can only reveal itself after 6 months, or even up to two years. In my experience, this can be revealed after 2-4 dates/a few weeks.
It would be such a dangerous thing! Narcs be like "here....AP, AP, AP! Muah ha ha ha ha!" Scary! I'm obsessed with attachment theory too! I'm continuously wondering..."what attachment style is this or that person?" |
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Post by alpenglow on Aug 13, 2018 19:16:07 GMT
Hadn't thought about narcs! Yeah, we APs would be in some serious trouble Yep, same here, it's my fav game at the moment. I do it automatically. Even with normal people in non-dating scenarios! It's a lot more difficult to tell, but after quite a long time, you can usually start guessing! |
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Post by tnr9 on Aug 13, 2018 19:29:55 GMT
Hadn't thought about narcs! Yeah, we APs would be in some serious trouble Yep, same here, it's my fav game at the moment. I do it automatically. Even with normal people in non-dating scenarios! It's a lot more difficult to tell, but after quite a long time, you can usually start guessing! Also...it is a self assessment....not saying that anyone would purposely lie...but it can skew results. |
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Or even visit board members, wherever they may live!
