Telling an avoidant that I am an AP?

Short update on this story:

I'm still in contact with this girl, mostly in the form of a group chat with her sister.
I have a hard time adjusting to this new dynamic. Things are not how they used to be in the beginning, obviously. I would get all sorts of compliments from her before, but not anymore, since we're no longer "together".

This is something I miss and makes me feel uncomfortable. Since my self-worth is so attached to that of what others think of me, a lack of positive interactions makes me seriously doubt my self-worth. Especially when that something was there and went away. I also notice that I get a bit jealous when they talk about people they meet during their travels, and in my head, these people are "more interesting" (meaning, have more worth) than me. I've been thinking that I should go no contact with her, in order to ease the pain of having to compare myself to people I don't even know.

So I had a chat with her, and explained the situation. We went over what happened between us. We both agreed that it was good to stop our relationship in early July before it went any further because we could both clearly see how incompatible we would be with each other (AP/DA). I explained to her what I just wrote, that my self-worth tends to be tied to what others think of me, and wrote that it might be best for us to go no contact, as this makes me suffer. She doesn't understand my position of course, because she's already adjusted to having me as a friend, and nothing more. For an AP, we all know how difficult it is to let go....she ended up being frustrated and upset with me, she doesn't understand why I'd want to stop having contact with her only because I don't want to face my issues and adapt to the new situation. She sees this as an act of cowardice, and wonders why she should even be in my life if I'm entertaining the thought of cutting her off in order to ease my suffering. She also views the whole thing as an attempt for me to be comforted and reassured of my own self-worth. Most likely true....and she stated many times that she hates having to reassure someone.

Given the situation, what do you guys think? Is it an act of cowardice for me to want to go NC instead of trying to adapt to a new situation where we are just friends? If this makes me suffer, isn't it best for me to let go of someone who will never be able to reassure me for anything, even as friends? My true real (secure) friends always manage to reassure me (not about the realtionship we have together as friends, which I never question, but for other things).

Had I been secure, I would have managed to get used to this new dynamic. But since I am not, until I get to that point maybe one day in the future, isn't it best to remove as many sources of stress as possible? Is this avoidance or is this healthy behaviour?

Thanks for your commet, lilyg!
Yes, I think I will be affected by her no matter what I do. It takes time (especially for APs) to get over romantic feelings. She doesn't understand that, because she can apparently quickly get over it and be interested in someone else (she told me about a guy she was interested in, that she later met during her travels, which of course triggered some jealousy in me).
I insisted on what made me suffer, I didn't blame her, but she only thought that I was crazy and needed a therapist. Well, that part is true, but I can clearly see how I became activated/triggered when I'm in contact with her now.

She's already got mad at me, and you're right, how could she be a good friend if she doesn't even understand that I'm having a hard time because I still have feelings for her. She stated that she doesn't see where the problem lies, as far as she is concerned. We brought things to an end on a romantic level 1,5 months ago, she is fine with it, and can keep a friendship with me without being emotionally affected, while I still struggle to come to terms with it. Even as a friend, she can't even meet my most basic need of feeling reassured/accepted no matter the cause.

Thanks for confirming that it wouldn't be a cowardly thing to do. My secure friend told me the exact same thing!

😊 You are not a coward, and c'mon, you're not crazy. Even the most secure person feels heartbreak and needs time to heal.

Yeah! Even secure people need time to heal from a heartbreak. That secure friend of mine (slightly anxious) said to me he would have had a hard time in my shoes, and would probabably have gone no contact as well, in order to heal.

Great slogan, juniper! I should definitely trust my gut feeling more. Sometimes it's overactivated, but many times, it's actually quite spot on.
If something feels very off and I feel on the edge, I should heed these signs.
Still learning! Thanks again

that's how we learn to trust and take care of ourselves.
the whole business of doubting our gut and trying to convince ourselves that bad shit is actually ok, and that we are the ones that need to just stop stinking.... well, that's gotten me nothing but shit.
so much shit.
no more shit, k?

never has anything that truly felt good, i mean, really felt safe and ok, been bad for me.  
so i go for what feels good, safe and ok.
i don't have to force myself to trust what feels bad.  i don't need to twist myself into a pretzel to make someone else feel good either .
real love is simpler than this.
real love is a lot more relaxing. it's not full of pitfalls and second guessing.

100% 😄🙌👌

It sounds like you're doing great!!! 

Regarding "Had I been secure, I would have managed to get used to this new dynamic," I disagree. Secure people vary significantly in their preferences for navigating breakups and in many, many other aspects of their personalities and psychology. All they have in common is their ability to be close with others while also honouring and taking care of themselves. 

I know you're not secure yet, but you did some seriously working-towards-secure stuff in this story:

You told your ex your true needs and feelings straight-up. BRAVE OF YOU!

When she didn't listen to you or accept what you shared of yourself, you still did what you knew you needed to do instead of what she was trying to shame you into doing (ugh). SO BRAVE OF YOU!

It all sounds like the opposite of cowardice, really.