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Post by notalone on Aug 7, 2018 14:47:04 GMT
I’m really hurting and I’m really scared. I think I just need to sit with that right now and it’s really hard.
I want to share, to give some context about myself, that years ago I was diagnosed with major depression and general anxiety. There’s debate when it comes to mental health as to whether its cause is biological or trauma. I don’t know the answer, but if I had to guess I’d say I think it can be either or both. In my case, I think it’s both.
It was a long weekend where I am, and I kept myself busy for most of it, but I didn’t see anyone yesterday, and recently when I have a full day on my own it gets rough. Knowing this I did my best to keep busy…I did some cooking, went to the gym, cleaned my place and did some work on my computer. But my anxiety started to get bad around 3PM, so I meditated, took a nap, did some yoga, and read, but my depression and anxiety just kept mounting.
The last guy I dated for a really short time but he’s on my mind 80% of the time, and, even with my knowledge of attachment theory, I feel so dysfunctional because of this. There’s this chatter in my head, a back and forth, like there’s 2 of me. One voice has me questioning myself and putting him on a pedestal, saying things like: “he just didn’t like you”, “you messed it up by not being patient enough because you’re AP”, “he’s going to make it work with someone else”. The other voice is more interested in why he isn’t good for me and focusing on myself, and says things like: “he’s shown you he isn’t capable of or interested in a relationship”, “you are wasting your time thinking about him”, “focus on you, not him”. Sometimes I try to push the thoughts away by focusing on something else. Sometimes I say yes to the thoughts and feelings and don’t resist (like putting my head in the mouth of the demon). Sometimes I talk back to the thoughts, and remind myself that this is attachment wounding, it’s about me and not him. BUT THESE VOICES DRIVE ME MAD. I get so exhausted by the chatter that I have little drive to do anything. I push myself to do things that give my life meaning and joy, but even when I do things, it’s really hard to feel anything other than anxiety and sadness. Deep down there’s this part of me that feels that if this guy loved me I’d be ok, which is so wrong. I want so badly to feel satisfaction, meaning and joy outside of a romantic relationship, but there’s this part of me that feels like unless I have a partner that loves me, I’m not ok and I can’t feel ok about anything or anyone else.
I know change is possible, I also know not everyone is successful, and I’m scared s*&%less. I’m not looking for pity, I don’t want pity. I’m just being open, honest and vulnerable. I work hard to change and I’ll continue to, and at the same time I’m acknowledging how hard all this is for me. No one I know (other than you guys, which I appreciate) really understands, and I feel really alone.
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Post by tnr9 on Aug 7, 2018 22:13:41 GMT
Hey notalone...I am sorry you are having a rough day...😕. Does either or both voices sound like the either or both of your parents? Sending hugs and cyberly sitting with you.
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Post by leavethelighton on Aug 8, 2018 0:07:09 GMT
I hear you!
I have found this can be a manifestation of the depression. Find a way to improve the depression, the voices become more tame too. I think it is all biochemically linked. Not that it is always in one's control.... but I think it can also be possible to step back and recognize this-- those voices are a manifestation of the depression, they are not the ultimate reality or the whole truth, they are not the permanent reality. They won't always be there, even if it seems like they've been there a long time.
I also wonder if there could be some way to disrupt them? Like replace them with a radically new voice, or imagine them in a gigantic bubble you blow away, etc.
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joan
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Post by joan on Aug 8, 2018 4:02:15 GMT
I’m really hurting and I’m really scared. I think I just need to sit with that right now and it’s really hard. I want to share, to give some context about myself, that years ago I was diagnosed with major depression and general anxiety. There’s debate when it comes to mental health as to whether its cause is biological or trauma. I don’t know the answer, but if I had to guess I’d say I think it can be either or both. In my case, I think it’s both. It was a long weekend where I am, and I kept myself busy for most of it, but I didn’t see anyone yesterday, and recently when I have a full day on my own it gets rough. Knowing this I did my best to keep busy…I did some cooking, went to the gym, cleaned my place and did some work on my computer. But my anxiety started to get bad around 3PM, so I meditated, took a nap, did some yoga, and read, but my depression and anxiety just kept mounting. The last guy I dated for a really short time but he’s on my mind 80% of the time, and, even with my knowledge of attachment theory, I feel so dysfunctional because of this. There’s this chatter in my head, a back and forth, like there’s 2 of me. One voice has me questioning myself and putting him on a pedestal, saying things like: “he just didn’t like you”, “you messed it up by not being patient enough because you’re AP”, “he’s going to make it work with someone else”. The other voice is more interested in why he isn’t good for me and focusing on myself, and says things like: “he’s shown you he isn’t capable of or interested in a relationship”, “you are wasting your time thinking about him”, “focus on you, not him”. Sometimes I try to push the thoughts away by focusing on something else. Sometimes I say yes to the thoughts and feelings and don’t resist (like putting my head in the mouth of the demon). Sometimes I talk back to the thoughts, and remind myself that this is attachment wounding, it’s about me and not him. BUT THESE VOICES DRIVE ME MAD. I get so exhausted by the chatter that I have little drive to do anything. I push myself to do things that give my life meaning and joy, but even when I do things, it’s really hard to feel anything other than anxiety and sadness. Deep down there’s this part of me that feels that if this guy loved me I’d be ok, which is so wrong. I want so badly to feel satisfaction, meaning and joy outside of a romantic relationship, but there’s this part of me that feels like unless I have a partner that loves me, I’m not ok and I can’t feel ok about anything or anyone else. I know change is possible, I also know not everyone is successful, and I’m scared s*&%less. I’m not looking for pity, I don’t want pity. I’m just being open, honest and vulnerable. I work hard to change and I’ll continue to, and at the same time I’m acknowledging how hard all this is for me. No one I know (other than you guys, which I appreciate) really understands, and I feel really alone. Everything you wrote here is exactly what I go through so you are not alone. I also find it to be difficult to be without a romantic relationship, and have lived off of crumbs like the one I'm in now just to not be alone. It feels like I don't even exist if I'm not involved with someone. Sure when I'm single I go out more, I make the effort to be more social, and all that but it's like this not being able to rest easy until I get into my next relationship. I will even get desperate and reach out to guys I may not have been that interested in just to have I guess attention, validation of some sort. Or I may start to romanticize a guy I'd previously dated and he'll start to seem more attractive to me. Like you when I'm doing things that are supposed to give my life meaning there's still a sadness if I'm single or in this weird quasi relationship I'm currently in. Sometimes I'll feel okay, especially if the guy I'm with is texting me often throughout the day and things are good between us. However, if I don't hear much from him no matter what other good things I may have going on I feel bummed out and I carry that feeling with me even if I'm out and supposed to be having a good time. It's like I'm invisible if he's not noticing me. I too wish romantic relationships weren't the be all end all for me. Feeling loved by someone is a great feeling, and I carry it with me where I do feel like I can focus on other aspects of my life like my career, health, friends and hobbies. It's when I don't feel loved that my world shrinks. I no longer care about going out, my hobbies or taking better care of myself. It's a struggle to do those things. It definitely feels like depression but my therapist said it's more of a situational depression because of the bad relationship I'm in. I know it's the attachment wounding but my therapist doesn't seem to give that much weight. She just pushes me to join activities, be more social, meditate, do yoga, and basically force myself to get out of my head and be active. It's all great in theory but it's a real struggle sometimes to just to go to the grocery store. |
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Post by notalone on Aug 8, 2018 12:14:26 GMT
Hey notalone...I am sorry you are having a rough day...😕. Does either or both voices sound like the either or both of your parents? Sending hugs and cyberly sitting with you. Thanks for the hugs and thoughts tnr9. I don't think either voice sound like my parents. One is more my rational, adult self and the other is more my childish, AP self. Both me. I suppose the rational adult one is more in line with my mother, but it's also what I believe is best for me to focus on. |
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Post by notalone on Aug 8, 2018 12:22:34 GMT
I hear you! I have found this can be a manifestation of the depression. Find a way to improve the depression, the voices become more tame too. I think it is all biochemically linked. Not that it is always in one's control.... but I think it can also be possible to step back and recognize this-- those voices are a manifestation of the depression, they are not the ultimate reality or the whole truth, they are not the permanent reality. They won't always be there, even if it seems like they've been there a long time. I also wonder if there could be some way to disrupt them? Like replace them with a radically new voice, or imagine them in a gigantic bubble you blow away, etc. Thanks for the thoughts compassionateavoid (I can't seem to tag you?) I do my best to manage the depression. MY routine is my biggest defense: gym, yoga, regular eating, regular sleeping, meditation, medication, therapy, seeing friends. I also do a combination of methods to manage the voices. I'll consider your suggestions next time they act up. |
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Post by notalone on Aug 8, 2018 12:40:23 GMT
I’m really hurting and I’m really scared. I think I just need to sit with that right now and it’s really hard. I want to share, to give some context about myself, that years ago I was diagnosed with major depression and general anxiety. There’s debate when it comes to mental health as to whether its cause is biological or trauma. I don’t know the answer, but if I had to guess I’d say I think it can be either or both. In my case, I think it’s both. It was a long weekend where I am, and I kept myself busy for most of it, but I didn’t see anyone yesterday, and recently when I have a full day on my own it gets rough. Knowing this I did my best to keep busy…I did some cooking, went to the gym, cleaned my place and did some work on my computer. But my anxiety started to get bad around 3PM, so I meditated, took a nap, did some yoga, and read, but my depression and anxiety just kept mounting. The last guy I dated for a really short time but he’s on my mind 80% of the time, and, even with my knowledge of attachment theory, I feel so dysfunctional because of this. There’s this chatter in my head, a back and forth, like there’s 2 of me. One voice has me questioning myself and putting him on a pedestal, saying things like: “he just didn’t like you”, “you messed it up by not being patient enough because you’re AP”, “he’s going to make it work with someone else”. The other voice is more interested in why he isn’t good for me and focusing on myself, and says things like: “he’s shown you he isn’t capable of or interested in a relationship”, “you are wasting your time thinking about him”, “focus on you, not him”. Sometimes I try to push the thoughts away by focusing on something else. Sometimes I say yes to the thoughts and feelings and don’t resist (like putting my head in the mouth of the demon). Sometimes I talk back to the thoughts, and remind myself that this is attachment wounding, it’s about me and not him. BUT THESE VOICES DRIVE ME MAD. I get so exhausted by the chatter that I have little drive to do anything. I push myself to do things that give my life meaning and joy, but even when I do things, it’s really hard to feel anything other than anxiety and sadness. Deep down there’s this part of me that feels that if this guy loved me I’d be ok, which is so wrong. I want so badly to feel satisfaction, meaning and joy outside of a romantic relationship, but there’s this part of me that feels like unless I have a partner that loves me, I’m not ok and I can’t feel ok about anything or anyone else. I know change is possible, I also know not everyone is successful, and I’m scared s*&%less. I’m not looking for pity, I don’t want pity. I’m just being open, honest and vulnerable. I work hard to change and I’ll continue to, and at the same time I’m acknowledging how hard all this is for me. No one I know (other than you guys, which I appreciate) really understands, and I feel really alone. Everything you wrote here is exactly what I go through so you are not alone. I also find it to be difficult to be without a romantic relationship, and have lived off of crumbs like the one I'm in now just to not be alone. It feels like I don't even exist if I'm not involved with someone. Sure when I'm single I go out more, I make the effort to be more social, and all that but it's like this not being able to rest easy until I get into my next relationship. I will even get desperate and reach out to guys I may not have been that interested in just to have I guess attention, validation of some sort. Or I may start to romanticize a guy I'd previously dated and he'll start to seem more attractive to me. Like you when I'm doing things that are supposed to give my life meaning there's still a sadness if I'm single or in this weird quasi relationship I'm currently in. Sometimes I'll feel okay, especially if the guy I'm with is texting me often throughout the day and things are good between us. However, if I don't hear much from him no matter what other good things I may have going on I feel bummed out and I carry that feeling with me even if I'm out and supposed to be having a good time. It's like I'm invisible if he's not noticing me. I too wish romantic relationships weren't the be all end all for me. Feeling loved by someone is a great feeling, and I carry it with me where I do feel like I can focus on other aspects of my life like my career, health, friends and hobbies. It's when I don't feel loved that my world shrinks. I no longer care about going out, my hobbies or taking better care of myself. It's a struggle to do those things. It definitely feels like depression but my therapist said it's more of a situational depression because of the bad relationship I'm in. I know it's the attachment wounding but my therapist doesn't seem to give that much weight. She just pushes me to join activities, be more social, meditate, do yoga, and basically force myself to get out of my head and be active. It's all great in theory but it's a real struggle sometimes to just to go to the grocery store. Hi joan , It sounds like we experience a lot of the same feelings. Thanks for sharing that with me. I use to date guys just to be with someone, or accept crumbs. I'm currently refusing to do either. I ended things with the last 2 guys I dated because both were not interested in commitment or capable of real intimacy. I'm taking the stance that if it's not healthy and fulfilling for me, and the other person isn't willing to work on it together, I leave. Leaving is torture, I feel like I'm dying inside and I cry like (and feel like) a baby that's starving to death, but I hope it's a step in the right direction. I feel very overwhelmed when it comes to knowing the right approach to change these feelings. I find there seems to be 2 schools of thought: One says get out of your head and live your life in a way that's TRULY present and you'll feel better. The other says you need to heal a wound to feel better. I saw a therapist who deals with codependence for the last year, she was great, and I made some progress. She worked on both living in the present and healing. But I'm still really struggling, and I learned about attachment theory a few months ago, so I'm looking for a therapist who deals with attachment and trauma. I have a trial session with one today. Given how strongly I attach, I'm really sad to leave my therapist, but I think it's worth trying a therapist who specializes in attachment and trauma. |
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Post by brokenbiscuit on Aug 8, 2018 12:54:48 GMT
A good attachment therapist will work wonders
Mine is also a child trauma specialist which I personally believes ties in to the whole narrative of attachment theory perfectly
Although its a little weird for me to be doing my sessions in a room full of cuddly toys, but seems strangely right as well
Good luck!
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Post by Deleted on Aug 8, 2018 13:03:04 GMT
I see you are in severe pain, and treading forward through tremendous difficulty. Nothing i say can can be adequate to alleviate it  I can only say, that there is no separation between living fully present, and healing. It seems trite or commonsensical - but the ultimate reality is, the present moment is the only true life you have. The agony of the past and fear for the future are ghosts, that haunt you, and only when you are rooted in the present can you dispel them and release yourself from their grip. There is the component of phisiologocal realities- depression connected to chemical imbalance, etc. I am not invalidating that. But there is a powerful connection between mind/body. It is proven that mindfulness of present moment, by say, focusing and bringing your concentration to your breath going in and out, affects the Autonomic nervous system in beneficial ways, lowering heart rate, blood vessels, stress responses. the research is clear. Being in that present moment awareness, aware that you are not in the past or future, may allow you to experience feelings and thoughts without getting dragged into the past or present- feeling them as they are, now, in your body. And allowing present moment awareness to understand the root of the thoughts and feelings, in order to gain a new perspective that dissipates the messaging behind all that emotion. I know this may seem like an inadequate approach to such tremendous pain. But for many people, learning to ground themselves in their present reality enables them to have perspective and gain insight, into how exactly to heal. The past and the present impact your mind very heavily- but your body cannot go to the past to correct it, nor can it go to the future to control what will happen there. to be caught in debilitating fear or pain about either the past or future is not real. Only in the present can you actually live your life and have power. What you do today determines your tomorrow. There is no other way to influence your future than to be fully present making conscious choices with your mind rooted in the moment your body is living in, now. There is a lot of teaching about present moment awareness that may benefit you if you practice and train yourself to come back to here, now. here, now, when viewed realistically, is not nearly as terrifying as the past and the future. It may feel so, but look at the reality of your present moment, you will see you are not in actual danger, fighting for your life. You have fear, of repeating the past. You are absorbed by future and past, which are both horrific. Live where your body is- now. It is the only place you have power and influence over your condition. I don't know if this perspective is helpful to you right now. stay in your body today and allow hope. 🌸 |
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Post by ocarina on Aug 8, 2018 13:08:25 GMT
I am really sorry you're going through this - it's really tough.
It helped my anxious sister immensely to really understand that the voices are not a reality - that beneath that it is possible to find a peaceful refuge. You are not alone in your pain - maybe it would help to see it as what it is in the moment and really embrace it. I understand that particularly having suffered from depression in the past, there must be a great deal of fear that this is never going to heal, and in that fear, a tendency not to want to really be with it. Would it help to sit quietly with the somatic sensations - allowing the thoughts to do their thing like clouds in a stormy sky.
I found The Untethered Soul by Michael J Singer a really helpful read - and the lovely Tara Brach has a whole host of free online meditations too. It must be frustrating when you are trying the right approaches and still feel stuck in this way.
I hear the ideas re the two approaches but in my interpretation these are really the same - living in the present whilst acknowledging what comes up and giving it space without attaching IS the way to heal a wound - your experience now is these wounds appearing and asking for your compassionate attention.
Be careful not to attach to the therapy - or to feeling better. When you allow the sorry and hurt to just be without attaching to it or pushing it away, the feeling better will come automatically. When you go out to feel better, you get stuck in this as a striving and it actually impedes the process!
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Post by notalone on Aug 8, 2018 16:47:10 GMT
I see you are in severe pain, and treading forward through tremendous difficulty. Nothing i say can can be adequate to alleviate it I can only say, that there is no separation between living fully present, and healing. It seems trite or commonsensical - but the ultimate reality is, the present moment is the only true life you have. The agony of the past and fear for the future are ghosts, that haunt you, and only when you are rooted in the present can you dispel them and release yourself from their grip. There is the component of phisiologocal realities- depression connected to chemical imbalance, etc. I am not invalidating that. But there is a powerful connection between mind/body. It is proven that mindfulness of present moment, by say, focusing and bringing your concentration to your breath going in and out, affects the Autonomic nervous system in beneficial ways, lowering heart rate, blood vessels, stress responses. the research is clear. Being in that present moment awareness, aware that you are not in the past or future, may allow you to experience feelings and thoughts without getting dragged into the past or present- feeling them as they are, now, in your body. And allowing present moment awareness to understand the root of the thoughts and feelings, in order to gain a new perspective that dissipates the messaging behind all that emotion. I know this may seem like an inadequate approach to such tremendous pain. But for many people, learning to ground themselves in their present reality enables them to have perspective and gain insight, into how exactly to heal. The past and the present impact your mind very heavily- but your body cannot go to the past to correct it, nor can it go to the future to control what will happen there. to be caught in debilitating fear or pain about either the past or future is not real. Only in the present can you actually live your life and have power. What you do today determines your tomorrow. There is no other way to influence your future than to be fully present making conscious choices with your mind rooted in the moment your body is living in, now. There is a lot of teaching about present moment awareness that may benefit you if you practice and train yourself to come back to here, now. here, now, when viewed realistically, is not nearly as terrifying as the past and the future. It may feel so, but look at the reality of your present moment, you will see you are not in actual danger, fighting for your life. You have fear, of repeating the past. You are absorbed by future and past, which are both horrific. Live where your body is- now. It is the only place you have power and influence over your condition. I don't know if this perspective is helpful to you right now. stay in your body today and allow hope. 🌸 Thanks juniper,
I do grounding and have read a lot about living in the present moment. I've read a fair bit by Thich Nhat Hanh and Eckhart Tolle, and I try to practice their teachings. It's helpful sometimes. I also do meditation with focused breathing, and other focused breath work, and it's helpful too. It's all an ongoing practice as the mind is very conditioned to wonder. The thing is, the teachings say there's joy and peace in the present moment. Well I have only managed to get to the point of calming down enough to be capable of pushing through, and I'm just really tired of barely keeping my head above water. I guess I have more practicing to do.
It's been a rough few days. I explained about Monday already, then yesterday I was deep in my thoughts (clearly not in the moment) and I drove my car into a pole and scratched the heck out of the side of my car. That's going to cost me a bunch of money I don't have. Then last night the power went out at my building and I couldn't get my car out to get to work this morning, so I had to take a cab to work. Such is life.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 8, 2018 17:04:27 GMT
I see you are in severe pain, and treading forward through tremendous difficulty. Nothing i say can can be adequate to alleviate it I can only say, that there is no separation between living fully present, and healing. It seems trite or commonsensical - but the ultimate reality is, the present moment is the only true life you have. The agony of the past and fear for the future are ghosts, that haunt you, and only when you are rooted in the present can you dispel them and release yourself from their grip. There is the component of phisiologocal realities- depression connected to chemical imbalance, etc. I am not invalidating that. But there is a powerful connection between mind/body. It is proven that mindfulness of present moment, by say, focusing and bringing your concentration to your breath going in and out, affects the Autonomic nervous system in beneficial ways, lowering heart rate, blood vessels, stress responses. the research is clear. Being in that present moment awareness, aware that you are not in the past or future, may allow you to experience feelings and thoughts without getting dragged into the past or present- feeling them as they are, now, in your body. And allowing present moment awareness to understand the root of the thoughts and feelings, in order to gain a new perspective that dissipates the messaging behind all that emotion. I know this may seem like an inadequate approach to such tremendous pain. But for many people, learning to ground themselves in their present reality enables them to have perspective and gain insight, into how exactly to heal. The past and the present impact your mind very heavily- but your body cannot go to the past to correct it, nor can it go to the future to control what will happen there. to be caught in debilitating fear or pain about either the past or future is not real. Only in the present can you actually live your life and have power. What you do today determines your tomorrow. There is no other way to influence your future than to be fully present making conscious choices with your mind rooted in the moment your body is living in, now. There is a lot of teaching about present moment awareness that may benefit you if you practice and train yourself to come back to here, now. here, now, when viewed realistically, is not nearly as terrifying as the past and the future. It may feel so, but look at the reality of your present moment, you will see you are not in actual danger, fighting for your life. You have fear, of repeating the past. You are absorbed by future and past, which are both horrific. Live where your body is- now. It is the only place you have power and influence over your condition. I don't know if this perspective is helpful to you right now. stay in your body today and allow hope. 🌸 Thanks juniper,
I do grounding and have read a lot about living in the present moment. I've read a fair bit by Thich Nhat Hanh and Eckhart Tolle, and I try to practice their teachings. It's helpful sometimes. I also do meditation with focused breathing, and other focused breath work, and it's helpful too. It's all an ongoing practice as the mind is very conditioned to wonder. The thing is, the teachings say there's joy and peace in the present moment. Well I have only managed to get to the point of calming down enough to be capable of pushing through, and I'm just really tired of barely keeping my head above water. I guess I have more practicing to do.
It's been a rough few days. I explained about Monday already, then yesterday I was deep in my thoughts (clearly not in the moment) and I drove my car into a pole and scratched the heck out of the side of my car. That's going to cost me a bunch of money I don't have. Then last night the power went out at my building and I couldn't get my car out to get to work this morning, so I had to take a cab to work. Such is life.
the key to finding joy and peace in the present life is- what? it's gratitude. as bad as you have it, as overwhelming as your mood feels, there is plenty to be truly thankful for. If you cannot find something to be humbly and fully thankful for, you haven't suffered enough yet. I am not being harsh at all. nor am i minimizing your pain. it is not hard to see how you could have it worse. there are mothers dying while they hold their dying children, starving and wracked with pain. There are people walking long distances to do what they need to do. you have a vehicle, the means for a cab. You may feel stress about a cosmetic flaw in the vehicle you have, but- need i go on? You likely had a shower and breakfast. with clean water, and food that meets your needs. that you selected from a super market. and purchased with your resources. Be careful about a negative mindset. Of course i understand that depression feeds negativity, and negativity feeds depression. At my loneliest and most financially difficult time of my life i made bread pudding from the stale bread and milk and eggs and sugar i had. I cut it up and put it on plates and delivered it to all the lonely seniors on my block. I am not trying to shame you. Please be inspired to find someone around you who suffers more, and help them. It is the most powerful antidepressant available. |
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Post by Deleted on Aug 8, 2018 17:17:22 GMT
what i am saying, is that even at your lowest point you have some abundance to share.
perhaps there is an isolated senior in your area that you know, who could use a ride to the grocery store in your scratched car ❤️
you can be a blessing even when you feel awful about yourself or your circumstances.
it's really healing.
i can't tell you how blessed i felt to sit with lonely people and visit them and give them bread pudding, which was delicious by the way.
i had very little but i gave myself and what i had and i was blessed in return. and my loneliness was healed.
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Post by notalone on Aug 8, 2018 18:32:49 GMT
I do practice gratitude most days, and sometimes it helps. Other times I just feel like an asshole because I am very aware that many people dream of having what I do, and yet I still feel how I do. This is especially sensitive for me because when I was little and sad, my mother would buy me things to cheer me up. She also use to tell me how spoiled I was all the time. I'd tell her I'm not spoiled, I'm lucky, the difference is I'm grateful for what I have and I don't take it for granted. Looking back I realize that yes, I got all the physical things I wanted, but the nurturing I needed to feel safe and secure is something I didn’t get, so I’ve always felt empty and alone. There's a documentary on Netflix about happiness where they discuss that some of the happiest people live in some of the poorest conditions. Happiness is a state of mind and has a lot to do with healthy connections between people. When you’re overcome with depression and have difficulty with relationships, joy and peace are impacted significantly. My close friends are what I'm most grateful for. And at the same time, no matter how much I try to be present with them I often feel absent and insignificant, unable to connect and be joyful. Instead I feel overtaken by obsessive thoughts and feelings that I'm not ok, not valuable, not fun, and that’s a horrible place to be. Tara Brach refers to the feeling of missing out on life because a person has not been present as soul sadness, and it’s a perfect description. I’ve spent my life hiding these feelings and I still do most of the time. I have to in order to function. There’s only one person I can be totally honest with and trust unconditionally to stand by me no matter what. There are no words to explain how grateful I am for her. But I assure you, although gratitude is a beautiful thing, it does not cure this pain. If it did I’d be in a very different place. I know you mean well, and I appreciate it, and I'm going to be as honest as you always are on this one... I find it really offensive and ridiculous when anyone suggests that another person "hasn't suffered enough yet". There's no magic threshold of pain that produces any particular result. Suffering enough does not inevitably cause gratitude, or anything else. Also, you can't know how much another person suffers. And even though your post upset me , I’m still grateful for your sharing, and for you. I’m not trying to piss you off back, I’m just saying what I really feel. Lastly, I'll look into helping someone. I try to help people when I can anyways, but I'll make an asserted effort and will report back.  |
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Post by happyidiot on Aug 8, 2018 18:51:57 GMT
You are not alone! Personally when I am feeling that way I find it helpful to accept that BOTH voices likely have a kernel of truth in them, it doesn't have to be just one or the other, but both voices are being too harsh and blame-seeking. Yes, I could have done things differently, but no one is perfect and I can choose to learn and grow from that and be a better version of myself in the future. And yes, he could have done things differently, but it was probably not malicious and he needs to work on his own growth. I think both FA and AP types feel like they need to be perfect. We can do things like choose more suitable partners in the future rather than beating ourselves up over choosing someone unavailable or over our "if onlys," like thinking if only we had done everything perfectly we would have never pushed the last one away.
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