jess92
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Post by jess92 on Aug 27, 2018 7:40:23 GMT
I'll apologise in advance if there have already been discussions about this elsewhere on the forum - I've had a little hunt but can't quite find what I'm after.
As some of you may know, I've recently come out of what was seemingly a good relationship (for the most part) with a possible FA, and in the aftermath have confirmed that I am AP. I'm diving right in to working on my own attachment trauma in the hope that I can earn secure, but I'm left thinking "what now?" in terms of my future 'love life' ...
Some people might be reading this thinking 'classic AP' because I'm already thinking about moving on, but that's not the thought path at all. I really do just want to be alone to concentrate on myself for the forseeable future but I acknowledge that unless by some form of a miracle, my ex decides to work through his own attachment (and other) issues and begs for us to rekindle... I'm eventually going to be on the dating scene again. And how the hell do you sift through people to try and avoid ending up in this mess again?
I am in the process of readings Jeb's books and I know he gives some good advice in working out whether someone is compatible in terms of what their attachment style may be, but does anyone else have any advice? I just feel like I've been sold a lie by my ex, in some ways. He made one comment around 6 months in, that he thought he might be a commitment phobe based on past relationships, but then (having already asked me several times) proceeded to move me in with him, and suggested we buy a house, before again getting cold feet. This is on top of what was already quite a whirlwind, breath taking romance anyway. Should I have run for the hills at the 6 month mark?
Just to clarify, I'm not saying I want to completely rule out any other insecure attachment style for future suitors, that would be hugely hypocritical given my own attachment style but at the moment, all I can think of, is asking everyone "So, do you know what your attachment style is, and are you willing to work through any unresolved trauma?" and that probably wouldn't be the best chat up line... I just wish there was a fool proof way to establish what attachment style someone is, and whether they have the willingness to work through it.
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Post by lilyg on Aug 27, 2018 8:47:44 GMT
Hi  Well, dating is a way to get to know someone, so first of all you should take your time getting to know someone. Don't rush it and enjoy the experience of dating. We always risk ourselves when dating so it's normal for relationships to end sometimes, even if we find someone secure. It's a bit difficult, isn't it? I've read and reflected about secure attachment and maybe these points help. When inviting someone to be your partner, you can reflect upon these points: - Being able to reflect on him and his life in an open, insightful, and emotionally connected way. This makes him to acknowledge his limitations and mistakes while seeing you and him in a positive light. He's a good communicator or places communication with you in a positive way. - He is consistent in his behavior towards you. He can have bad days but in general you know he'll react well towards you. You know where you stand with him. He's clear about it. - He's the same way with his family or the people who are closer to him as he is with you. - You both become more stable and relaxed as time passes. You trust each other more and understand each other better. The relationship progresses. - He's ready for a relationship (availability). I think these are the most important things for a relationship to last. Maybe you can add compatibility like having similar interests and things like that but of course these things show with time. |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 27, 2018 13:27:59 GMT
jess92 , if you continue to work at your unconscious attachment patterns, your instincts for choosing a healthier mate will improve, as you will be more aware of red flags and signals that your attachment is in overdrive. also, when i dated a little bit , after a little rapport was established. i just asked my potential date guy to take jeb's attachment style test, in the interest of full disclosure of my own attachment style. we sent each other screen shots of our results. it was fun and just two people talking about personalities. (he was secure close to anxious, i was secure close to avoidant) it turns out he was a really shallow and unkind person, who lacked some basic manners and sensitivity but he was apparently a secure unkind person lol!!
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Post by goldilocks on Aug 27, 2018 16:45:36 GMT
I would just ask after you have been on a few dates.
Openly discussing the topic would also help him understand where you are coming from, as you can explain you are AP and may have different needs than the average person.
I am more secure than DA now but still have different needs than the average person and prefer a man who signs up for that with both eyes open.
Aside from attachment, knowing what a potential partner does to maintain physical and mental health is important to me.
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Post by alexandra on Aug 27, 2018 16:48:05 GMT
I agree with juniper that the more towards earned secure you get, the more you're going to be able to recognize when others are unavailable and the less attractive it's going to seem. There's another recent thread that discusses this, too (started by asking about DA but it covers more). jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/1213/earned-secure-early-warning-signsIn my opinion, talking about past relationships and gauging if they were all tumultuous or patterned, and noticing incongruent behavior (words not matching actions, inconsistency) are the big tells. |
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Post by alexandra on Aug 27, 2018 16:53:54 GMT
I also want to add that if you work on strengthening your boundaries, something all APs need to do, that's also going to allow you to tell. You'll feel if your boundaries are being stepped on, which (especially) unaware AP/FA styled partners who aren't doing their work yet are likely to do. Bonus: it will protect you from getting involved with certain types of personality disordered partners!
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 27, 2018 17:51:04 GMT
I would just ask after you have been on a few dates. Openly discussing the topic would also help him understand where you are coming from, as you can explain you are AP and may have different needs than the average person. I am more secure than DA now but still have different needs than the average person and prefer a man who signs up for that with both eyes open. Aside from attachment, knowing what a potential partner does to maintain physical and mental health is important to me. absolutely. and , even as earned secure there are traits and preferences in my DA style that i consider to be permanent and welcome in my life. I couldn't make an AP styled partner happy, and they couldn't make me happy either, even with emotional security it's a totally different lifestyle. i think it's as reasonable to bring up this stuff as it is any personality test or indicators. why not? |
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jess92
Junior Member
Posts: 50
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Post by jess92 on Aug 28, 2018 21:09:58 GMT
Hi Well, dating is a way to get to know someone, so first of all you should take your time getting to know someone. Don't rush it and enjoy the experience of dating. We always risk ourselves when dating so it's normal for relationships to end sometimes, even if we find someone secure. It's a bit difficult, isn't it? I've read and reflected about secure attachment and maybe these points help. When inviting someone to be your partner, you can reflect upon these points: - Being able to reflect on him and his life in an open, insightful, and emotionally connected way. This makes him to acknowledge his limitations and mistakes while seeing you and him in a positive light. He's a good communicator or places communication with you in a positive way. - He is consistent in his behavior towards you. He can have bad days but in general you know he'll react well towards you. You know where you stand with him. He's clear about it. - He's the same way with his family or the people who are closer to him as he is with you. - You both become more stable and relaxed as time passes. You trust each other more and understand each other better. The relationship progresses. - He's ready for a relationship (availability). I think these are the most important things for a relationship to last. Maybe you can add compatibility like having similar interests and things like that but of course these things show with time. Thanks lilyg. Yes, it's definitely difficult. I've always been the one that advises my friends to give things a chance, and to remember that even if something doesn't work out, one day it will all work out with someone. I guess it's just knocked me for six having thought I knew someone, and what they wanted, only for it to now feel like a lie, almost. I completely understand relationships breakdown for a multitude of reasons, almost all of my previous breakups have happened because it's become apparent we don't have the same life goals or future vision and whilst they're still hard when you have grown close or been in love with someone, usually they're understandable. But this one has just left me confused I suppose, and very cautious about meeting someone else and it going the same way. But you're right, I guess it's just that risk and I need to take the advice I've previously given people and just believe that one day it will all work out. Thank you |
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jess92
Junior Member
Posts: 50
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Post by jess92 on Aug 28, 2018 21:28:08 GMT
I agree with juniper that the more towards earned secure you get, the more you're going to be able to recognize when others are unavailable and the less attractive it's going to seem. There's another recent thread that discusses this, too (started by asking about DA but it covers more). jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/1213/earned-secure-early-warning-signsIn my opinion, talking about past relationships and gauging if they were all tumultuous or patterned, and noticing incongruent behavior (words not matching actions, inconsistency) are the big tells. Thanks both! That's an extremely good point. I read recently that quite often APs and FA's are often attracted to each other, which creates the 'dance' between the two attachment styles, so you're absolutely right.... by earning secure, I'll be less likely to seek that avoidance that replicates my childhood. Also a great idea from juniper and goldilocks to simply talk about attachment styles and doing a test because ultimately, I want someone that would be willing to work through any issues they may have and someone that is happy to support me doing that for myself. And actually, I don't think discussing attachment styles would really differ much from discussing previous partners, which some people find uncomfortable anyway, and others don't. Thanks for the link to the other thread alexandra, I've had a read through that too and it's really useful. Funny you should mention talking about past relationships and whether they were problematic etc. My ex was very 'short' about his past relationships, although I remember that what I did get out of him, suggested all of the break-ups had been the fault of the girlfriend as opposed to him and he speaks to none of them, whereas comparatively, I am still happy to speak to all but one of my ex boyfriends, and it's very amicable. I do wonder what he'll have to say about me to his next 'conquest' .... I've read Jeb's section on personality disorders (the scary ones!) so many times so that will hopefully set me up to avoid them. Thanks to everyone for your advice, most grateful! |
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Post by lilyg on Aug 28, 2018 21:40:35 GMT
Hi Well, dating is a way to get to know someone, so first of all you should take your time getting to know someone. Don't rush it and enjoy the experience of dating. We always risk ourselves when dating so it's normal for relationships to end sometimes, even if we find someone secure. It's a bit difficult, isn't it? I've read and reflected about secure attachment and maybe these points help. When inviting someone to be your partner, you can reflect upon these points: - Being able to reflect on him and his life in an open, insightful, and emotionally connected way. This makes him to acknowledge his limitations and mistakes while seeing you and him in a positive light. He's a good communicator or places communication with you in a positive way. - He is consistent in his behavior towards you. He can have bad days but in general you know he'll react well towards you. You know where you stand with him. He's clear about it. - He's the same way with his family or the people who are closer to him as he is with you. - You both become more stable and relaxed as time passes. You trust each other more and understand each other better. The relationship progresses. - He's ready for a relationship (availability). I think these are the most important things for a relationship to last. Maybe you can add compatibility like having similar interests and things like that but of course these things show with time. Thanks lilyg. Yes, it's definitely difficult. I've always been the one that advises my friends to give things a chance, and to remember that even if something doesn't work out, one day it will all work out with someone. I guess it's just knocked me for six having thought I knew someone, and what they wanted, only for it to now feel like a lie, almost. I completely understand relationships breakdown for a multitude of reasons, almost all of my previous breakups have happened because it's become apparent we don't have the same life goals or future vision and whilst they're still hard when you have grown close or been in love with someone, usually they're understandable. But this one has just left me confused I suppose, and very cautious about meeting someone else and it going the same way. But you're right, I guess it's just that risk and I need to take the advice I've previously given people and just believe that one day it will all work out. Thank you 😊 I can understand where are you coming from. You're welcome! |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 28, 2018 21:54:26 GMT
i absolutely love being able to work through my dismissive attachment with my dismissive partner. i'm the "book learner" of the two of us- i have to keep the material like anne has posted about dismissive attachment right in front of my face so i can work through deactivation when it happens. it's like having a manual. i'm not always very skilled at it but i make progress. my partner is a more "low level" dismissive in a lot of ways, and does not deactivate as radically, although he is less aware and has leaned about "what's wrong with us  " mostly through me, as i try to work through my deactivation with him. we've come to the point of being able to be very open and vulnerable with each other and articulate much better than we used to. he doesn't judge me, and we both have gotten so much better at understanding and expressing our feelings and needs and heading problems off before they get too big. And, when i do deactivate in a more profound way, we are able to repair a lot more quickly and usually come out noticeably stronger with a new skill. I don't believe i could be successful at a relationship at this point without having help with deactivation, even as secure as i am typically. my dismissive roots are strong and deep and even as aware as i am i can't always stop it in time. anyway, what i am saying, is that since we are injured, all of us with insecure attachment, it's a real bonus to be able to be in a relationship that can support us as we continue to heal, instead of having to "arrive" before we can have a relationship. i would not be able or have a need to grow if i was in my default mode of single and solitary. so this is my best shot , to work though it with a gracious and strong partner who can forgive me and help me repair even as he learns and grows himself. i don't know how it would work with ap/da, depends on the individuals, the severity and the commitment to growth on both parts. for us, we both recognize that we are really not good at intimacy unless we both consistently work at it together. that attitude has moved mountains for us. |
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Post by ocarina on Aug 28, 2018 22:01:28 GMT
Hi Jess92
I think the mistake that many people make is to fall headlong in the face of the wonderful, romantic, breathtaking, whirlwind romance - it's that Disneyesque fantasy romance that we all kind of want to believe but it's dangerous because in the face of that "high" judgement is clouded and it becomes really difficult to really clearly evaluate what's on offer.
The other crucial point is to really listen to what a potential partner has to say and what his or her behaviour reveals - and to believe it. Again - when in the midst of being swept of your feet, the last thing you feel like doing is believing the throwaway lines that often reveal incompatibility and therein lies the danger of that instant connection.
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Post by leavethelighton on Aug 29, 2018 0:12:00 GMT
My first thought was that talking about attachment styles and admitting yours isn't secure will likely make most other people run...BUT obviously I have a lot of bias in this topic. Maybe a secure person wouldn't run? It's hard to imagine it being a discussion topic that would go well early in any relationship though. Hopefully I'm wrong...?
Maybe the key is to avoid a "whirlwind, breathtaking romance"? If it's really alluring, it's probably a sign that your attachment system is being activated in a way that maybe isn't a good sign?
Maybe aside from that one statement he made, there were early red flags you didn't notice at the time but that you would notice in a new partner? Did you feel secure with him the first 6 months or was there always that nagging voice somewhere that the situation wasn't going to be emotionally safe enough?
Keep asking yourself if the appeal is the situation/person really there, or if the appeal is what you hope/wish would be there.
In the end though, I think if you are going to date, you have to risk dating AP or DA or FA people, maybe even for awhile, before you figure out the dynamic. You just can't always know the first few dates.
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Post by alexandra on Aug 29, 2018 0:40:47 GMT
My first thought was that talking about attachment styles and admitting yours isn't secure will likely make most other people run...BUT obviously I have a lot of bias in this topic. Maybe a secure person wouldn't run? I think to someone familiar with attachment theory, admitting it means the person is aware and working on it which I think is half the battle. Would depend on how much I liked the person, the severity, and how self aware they were / how much real work they'd put in. If it was just, I'm this insecure attachment and I'm never planning to change so deal with it, I'd be out real fast. |
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Post by happyidiot on Aug 29, 2018 6:37:14 GMT
I'm not sure about the idea of telling people your attachment style and asking theirs. I've read that it can be important for people with insecure attachment styles to protect themselves from opening up about certain things too fast. Some therapists even recommend not telling therapists too much until you have developed some trust. I know for me as an AP when I have been open with someone I haven't been dating very long about some of my insecurities I can feel regretful about it and wonder if it will scare/did scare them away. It can actually feed my AP tendencies, worrying I revealed myself to someone I had no reason to trust or feel secure with yet. Just like how you might not reveal your deep secrets on a first date (or 5th date or whatever) or ask the other person theirs, revealing your attachment style and asking them theirs can be a very vulnerable thing and possibly lead to worries of misunderstandings and prejudice.
There are other more subtle questions you can ask and ways of observing their behavior that will help you determine someone's emotional availability or relationship readiness. I think that paying close attention to someone's actions over time is more important than their words. I also think that others above are right that working on ourselves helps us attract and be attracted to people who are healthier choices and to be able to see warning signs that we aren't a good match sooner. I have learned so much from every one of my "failed" relationships. I do think that there is a risk of self-fulfilling prophecies though. If we are hypervigilant for any signs that someone might be avoidant, we may behave in a way that brings out avoidance in people.
One thing I am not sure yet how to do is to avoid getting attached to someone too early, while still in the phase of figuring out if someone is a good match for me. If I don't feel strongly drawn to someone I can't be bothered to put in the time to fully get to know the person and see if something develops - it's hard to spend my limited free time and energy on someone I'm not excited about - and conversely if I am strongly drawn to them I get attached before enough time has gone by to really get to know them and see how we work over time.
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Well, dating is a way to get to know someone, so first of all you should take your time getting to know someone. Don't rush it and enjoy the experience of dating. We always risk ourselves when dating so it's normal for relationships to end sometimes, even if we find someone secure. It's a bit difficult, isn't it? 
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