jess92
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Post by jess92 on Aug 29, 2018 7:02:49 GMT
i absolutely love being able to work through my dismissive attachment with my dismissive partner. i'm the "book learner" of the two of us- i have to keep the material like anne has posted about dismissive attachment right in front of my face so i can work through deactivation when it happens. it's like having a manual. i'm not always very skilled at it but i make progress. my partner is a more "low level" dismissive in a lot of ways, and does not deactivate as radically, although he is less aware and has leaned about "what's wrong with us  " mostly through me, as i try to work through my deactivation with him. we've come to the point of being able to be very open and vulnerable with each other and articulate much better than we used to. he doesn't judge me, and we both have gotten so much better at understanding and expressing our feelings and needs and heading problems off before they get too big. And, when i do deactivate in a more profound way, we are able to repair a lot more quickly and usually come out noticeably stronger with a new skill. I don't believe i could be successful at a relationship at this point without having help with deactivation, even as secure as i am typically. my dismissive roots are strong and deep and even as aware as i am i can't always stop it in time. anyway, what i am saying, is that since we are injured, all of us with insecure attachment, it's a real bonus to be able to be in a relationship that can support us as we continue to heal, instead of having to "arrive" before we can have a relationship. i would not be able or have a need to grow if i was in my default mode of single and solitary. so this is my best shot , to work though it with a gracious and strong partner who can forgive me and help me repair even as he learns and grows himself. i don't know how it would work with ap/da, depends on the individuals, the severity and the commitment to growth on both parts. for us, we both recognize that we are really not good at intimacy unless we both consistently work at it together. that attitude has moved mountains for us. That sounds like such a good dynamic juniper - I'm definitely a "book learner" too and have been finding it very empowering reading all that I can about attachment types. It helps me to read through things multiple times and I do the same if I feel like I'm getting a bit of an AP trigger, and will read through various threads. I have about 4/5 constantly open on my laptop so that I can refer to them when needed, some of which are from anne  I suppose a lot of your openness with your partner comes from the fact you are able to discuss your dismissive tendencies and deactivating strategies? It strikes me as quite an intimate thing to be able to acknowledge with one another (as you've said) "Here's what's wrong with us" and then work through that together. Yes! That's exactly it for me, it's not that I want to eventually earn secure and 'cure' myself of an AP style, because I'm sure that will never fully go away, nor do I want to absolutely find someone that is 100% secure. But just to be able to have that openness and consequent support for myself and prospective partner. I'm possibly going off on an tangent here, as I've seen another thread about attachment styles in other relationships (friends/families) and I just want to say that I think I'm very similar to you in the sense that I anticipate a lot of my growth will be as and when I enter a new romantic partnership with someone, because that is when I'm most likely to be triggered. I'll do all that I can to heal myself beforehand, but the real 'test', if you will, is going to be with the next lucky Mr! Thanks juniper, very insightful and supportive, as always. |
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jess92
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Post by jess92 on Aug 29, 2018 7:17:03 GMT
Hi Jess92 I think the mistake that many people make is to fall headlong in the face of the wonderful, romantic, breathtaking, whirlwind romance - it's that Disneyesque fantasy romance that we all kind of want to believe but it's dangerous because in the face of that "high" judgement is clouded and it becomes really difficult to really clearly evaluate what's on offer. The other crucial point is to really listen to what a potential partner has to say and what his or her behaviour reveals - and to believe it. Again - when in the midst of being swept of your feet, the last thing you feel like doing is believing the throwaway lines that often reveal incompatibility and therein lies the danger of that instant connection. I think you're absolutely right ocarina, there's a really good chapter in one of Jeb's books about that.... which I read after having such a relationship! I can't quite remember if it was in Jeb's book or another article but it said that if dating someone just feels "okay" or "good" and not "amazing", then it probably is actually okay. It is hard to know what the expect when we have often been scoialised into expecting this 'fairytale', like you've said. I feel like I'll be on high alert for anything that suggest incompatibility, but as someone else has said, this may be a bit of a self fulfilling prophecy. Maybe I'll just be so anal and uptight that I'll drive someone away anyway. Once upon a time, I thought reading "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" was enough of a dating manual, but gosh it feels like there is so much more! Thank you |
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jess92
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Post by jess92 on Aug 29, 2018 7:44:02 GMT
My first thought was that talking about attachment styles and admitting yours isn't secure will likely make most other people run...BUT obviously I have a lot of bias in this topic. Maybe a secure person wouldn't run? I think to someone familiar with attachment theory, admitting it means the person is aware and working on it which I think is half the battle. Would depend on how much I liked the person, the severity, and how self aware they were / how much real work they'd put in. If it was just, I'm this insecure attachment and I'm never planning to change so deal with it, I'd be out real fast. Yes, I can see where you're coming from compassionateavoid - I guess it would have to be a very tactful conversation. But it almost seems to me like it could come up in conversation in some circumstances anyway, purely for the fact that I've taken a really keen interest in it. Often people will discuss hobbies, or whether they like reading, what they read etc. I wouldn't feel so ashamed about discussing my interest into psychology and subsequently, what sparked such an interest. From experience, my longest relationship was with a secure style and retrospectively, I know I had a few AP outbursts throughout the relationship. The first being about 6 months or so in and he took a few days after that to contemplate, and we carried on. So I think it's probably dependent on a lot of other things, as to how someone might react. Granted, we didn't know at the time that my outbursts were because of this attachment style, although he often told me I had "Daddy Issues". But my point is, he did 'stay' after I'd displayed quite a shocking side to myself. I definitely agree, if I only learn one thing from this breakup, it's that if something is too good to be true, it almost certainly is just that! There could well have been other things that I just didn't pick up on, I do recall wondering why he wouldn't discuss his past relationships in much detail. I'm not expecting a dissertation on relationship history but when you only really get one line about why a relationship ended, and it's aimed at the past partner, it probably should have been a red flag at that point too. In terms of the security though, I did have one instance before we were officially "boyfriend and girlfriend" which again sticks out in my head, where he hadn't messaged all evening (when he usually would have) and I knew he was at an event and I had convinced myself that he was with someone else - now, I totally recognise that as AP behaviour. But after that, when we had what I perceived as commitment as boyfriend and girlfriend, I didn't ever worry, even when he was out during an evening without me, but strangely I absolutely knew when he was messaging another girl (see my OP) within about 24 hours of him doing so. Cannot fault my gut/intuition. Anyway, I digress... I would be open to dating another insecure attachment style, as long as conflict between the two could at least be navigated by a willingness to work together. Like alexandra has said, it would speak volumes to me if someone were to say "I have struggled with x/y/z but I'm doing ..... to better myself". And all I can really hope for if I do discuss my attachment style with someone else, is that they would receive it the same way and be willing to support my journey. Thanks to both you and alexandra |
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jess92
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Post by jess92 on Aug 29, 2018 8:08:46 GMT
I'm not sure about the idea of telling people your attachment style and asking theirs. I've read that it can be important for people with insecure attachment styles to protect themselves from opening up about certain things too fast. Some therapists even recommend not telling therapists too much until you have developed some trust. I know for me as an AP when I have been open with someone I haven't been dating very long about some of my insecurities I can feel regretful about it and wonder if it will scare/did scare them away. It can actually feed my AP tendencies, worrying I revealed myself to someone I had no reason to trust or feel secure with yet. Just like how you might not reveal your deep secrets on a first date (or 5th date or whatever) or ask the other person theirs, revealing your attachment style and asking them theirs can be a very vulnerable thing and possibly lead to worries of misunderstandings and prejudice. There are other more subtle questions you can ask and ways of observing their behavior that will help you determine someone's emotional availability or relationship readiness. I think that paying close attention to someone's actions over time is more important than their words. I also think that others above are right that working on ourselves helps us attract and be attracted to people who are healthier choices and to be able to see warning signs that we aren't a good match sooner. I have learned so much from every one of my "failed" relationships. I do think that there is a risk of self-fulfilling prophecies though. If we are hypervigilant for any signs that someone might be avoidant, we may behave in a way that brings out avoidance in people. One thing I am not sure yet how to do is to avoid getting attached to someone too early, while still in the phase of figuring out if someone is a good match for me. If I don't feel strongly drawn to someone I can't be bothered to put in the time to fully get to know the person and see if something develops - it's hard to spend my limited free time and energy on someone I'm not excited about - and conversely if I am strongly drawn to them I get attached before enough time has gone by to really get to know them and see how we work over time. I've read that too actually happyidiot, certainly in the context of speaking with therapists. Although I have to admit, I thought when reading it, it was within an article specifically about FAs as it (the one I'd read) mentioned that sometimes there will be a feeling of wanting to "push away" the therapist when they're getting too close. Perhaps there's not really an optimum time to have the 'big reveal' or discuss these things, and maybe it would entirely depend on the person that I'm dating as to whether I want to discuss it, and when that discussion might happen. I can't envisage that it would play out like my discussion with my now ex partner, as I specifically planned to tell him what I'd been reading about attachment styles in the hope he might wish to help himself.... As I mentioned in my response to compassionateavoid, I would almost imagine it as a discussion point related to interests, because that's sort of what it has developed into for me. Obviously I want to work on myself and my healing, but I'm just so intrigued by all of the psychology behind it. I agree with paying attention to actions as opposed to just words. It's quite easy for someone to say one thing, or indeed lots of seemingly positive things and not act that way at all. So I'll definitely be looking out for that. Yes - right there with you in terms of the attachment. Although I can often read through a list of AP behaviours and think "Oh, it's okay, I don't do that.... or that", and similarly, my anxiety on the styles test is right down the middle.... I definitely struggle with getting attached early. For me, I feel like I have a constant stream of thoughts circling my head about a multitude of things, but when I'm talking to someone or getting to know someone I am absolutely 'preoccupied' with them and I could quite easily have them on my mind all day. I've only recently realised this is an AP behaviour so I need to try and 'rewire' my mind to not be so 'preoccupied' with people. Are you working on anything specific to try and change how attached you get? Thanks! |
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Post by happyidiot on Aug 29, 2018 8:51:42 GMT
I'm not sure about the idea of telling people your attachment style and asking theirs. I've read that it can be important for people with insecure attachment styles to protect themselves from opening up about certain things too fast. Some therapists even recommend not telling therapists too much until you have developed some trust. I know for me as an AP when I have been open with someone I haven't been dating very long about some of my insecurities I can feel regretful about it and wonder if it will scare/did scare them away. It can actually feed my AP tendencies, worrying I revealed myself to someone I had no reason to trust or feel secure with yet. Just like how you might not reveal your deep secrets on a first date (or 5th date or whatever) or ask the other person theirs, revealing your attachment style and asking them theirs can be a very vulnerable thing and possibly lead to worries of misunderstandings and prejudice. There are other more subtle questions you can ask and ways of observing their behavior that will help you determine someone's emotional availability or relationship readiness. I think that paying close attention to someone's actions over time is more important than their words. I also think that others above are right that working on ourselves helps us attract and be attracted to people who are healthier choices and to be able to see warning signs that we aren't a good match sooner. I have learned so much from every one of my "failed" relationships. I do think that there is a risk of self-fulfilling prophecies though. If we are hypervigilant for any signs that someone might be avoidant, we may behave in a way that brings out avoidance in people. One thing I am not sure yet how to do is to avoid getting attached to someone too early, while still in the phase of figuring out if someone is a good match for me. If I don't feel strongly drawn to someone I can't be bothered to put in the time to fully get to know the person and see if something develops - it's hard to spend my limited free time and energy on someone I'm not excited about - and conversely if I am strongly drawn to them I get attached before enough time has gone by to really get to know them and see how we work over time. I've read that too actually happyidiot, certainly in the context of speaking with therapists. Although I have to admit, I thought when reading it, it was within an article specifically about FAs as it (the one I'd read) mentioned that sometimes there will be a feeling of wanting to "push away" the therapist when they're getting too close. Perhaps there's not really an optimum time to have the 'big reveal' or discuss these things, and maybe it would entirely depend on the person that I'm dating as to whether I want to discuss it, and when that discussion might happen. I can't envisage that it would play out like my discussion with my now ex partner, as I specifically planned to tell him what I'd been reading about attachment styles in the hope he might wish to help himself.... As I mentioned in my response to compassionateavoid, I would almost imagine it as a discussion point related to interests, because that's sort of what it has developed into for me. Obviously I want to work on myself and my healing, but I'm just so intrigued by all of the psychology behind it. I agree with paying attention to actions as opposed to just words. It's quite easy for someone to say one thing, or indeed lots of seemingly positive things and not act that way at all. So I'll definitely be looking out for that. Yes - right there with you in terms of the attachment. Although I can often read through a list of AP behaviours and think "Oh, it's okay, I don't do that.... or that", and similarly, my anxiety on the styles test is right down the middle.... I definitely struggle with getting attached early. For me, I feel like I have a constant stream of thoughts circling my head about a multitude of things, but when I'm talking to someone or getting to know someone I am absolutely 'preoccupied' with them and I could quite easily have them on my mind all day. I've only recently realised this is an AP behaviour so I need to try and 'rewire' my mind to not be so 'preoccupied' with people. Are you working on anything specific to try and change how attached you get? Thanks! I totally get that, if I am really excited about someone I can think about them almost nonstop! So far I have been trying to do things like: - investing less and seeing if the other person at least meets me half-way (investing and giving make one more attached) - dating multiple people and continuing to make an effort to meet new people until I have a clear idea that a particular one is a good match and wants to make a commitment (this is tough for me for multiple reasons) - not having sex as early on, because for me (and I assume many APs) sex can make me more attached - practicing mindfulness - texting less, because for me texting someone a lot or every day creates attachment and expectations - keeping fantasizing about the future in check or at least being mindful that it's purely fantasy - making sure I plan things I enjoy that are nothing to do with the other person - not adding people I'm dating on social media or staring at their photos How about you? |
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Post by Deleted on Aug 29, 2018 17:38:07 GMT
jess92, you're welcome i really view a healthy relationship as a place to find some refuge and shelter each other as you grow into the best versions of yourself. and, i have a strong belief that what you're ready for, finds you. in dating, as difficult as it was for me to even do it, there came a point where i had enough understanding and compassion for myself, to be self revealing, as consistently as possible. of course there are boundaries and individual considerations. but for an avoidant, the problem of inauthenticity is to reveal little or nothing. for an ap, i suppose there might be a danger of revealing too much. so, individual needs will vary, when it comes to being healthy. but with attachment theory, i know my strengths and weaknesses as an individual and a partner. so, if i am going to date someone, i need a clear presentation and willingness to be humble together and work together if there is an interest. any partner for me would need to be able to have that kind of curiosity, and vulnerability. it's realistic! and, at my age, the dating pool is mostly full of insecurely attached people anyway. the man that i offered the test to was intrigued and interested by the test. he had a great attitude. we were incompatible for other reasons, but now he knows about attachment theory anyway. he was tired of failing at relationships also. now he has another tool to work on it if he wants. so, that's an upshot. it can provide an opportunity for someone to gain something helpful in the experience of dating.
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Post by happyidiot on Aug 30, 2018 6:47:30 GMT
and, at my age, the dating pool is mostly full of insecurely attached people anyway. Same here! The first advice I got when learning about attachment styles was for insecures to only date secures, and I thought oh great, how am I possibly going to find a secure unless they just got divorced or widowed, and in that case they might be emotionally unavailable anyway. I'm feeling more positive now that I'm realizing that a better goal would be to find someone who seems to have some self-awareness, is working on themselves and is willing to work through things in their relationships. But I went through such heartbreak with the brutally abrupt end of my last relationship that I am still terrified of that happening again. My sister's avoidant boyfriend left her abruptly without any discussion after 5 years. He said he just woke up with a feeling that he didn't want to be in the relationship. He'd never expressed any unhappiness with the relationship in any way. She theorizes it may have been triggered by the combination of her expressing a very small need that he did not want to meet and something temporary going on in his life unrelated to her that made him feel vulnerable. She is fairly avoidant too, which is maybe why it worked as long as it did. I guess with both my relationship and hers the communication was not good, maybe that is the key? |
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Post by Deleted on Aug 30, 2018 11:30:51 GMT
communication is the key.
it took some time to realize that my partner and i were both hiding our true selves out of fear.
we are very vulnerable and genuine with each other and it's created an exceptionally strong bond.
it's taken a lot of work inside myself to become able to be who i am in this relationship.
insecurely attached people are lovable, we just need help and support to heal.
my partner and i have been able to provide that to each other.
but we did it focusing on ourselves as individuals to become better individually, so we can be there for the other.
we expose our hearts and minds to each other and it's always safe because we made it that way.
we really work together at it.
i have no idea whatsoever what he talks to his therapist about haha! i've never considered it.
but i know what i work on, it keeps me busy.
something's working, that's for sure.
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Post by goldilocks on Aug 30, 2018 18:12:09 GMT
 At any age and for any style there are still many people in the market that will not result in an anxious/avoidant trap. If you are Anxious and limit yourself to secure and anxious types, that is still 9 in every 20 men. One of the couples making attachment exercises are AP/AP. Some forum members are in DA/DA relationships and happy. Awareness, communication and willingness to work are key. Starting from a reasonable compatible position and both partners having sufficiently healed wounds is another key. |
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jess92
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Post by jess92 on Aug 30, 2018 21:13:22 GMT
- investing less and seeing if the other person at least meets me half-way (investing and giving make one more attached) - dating multiple people and continuing to make an effort to meet new people until I have a clear idea that a particular one is a good match and wants to make a commitment (this is tough for me for multiple reasons) - not having sex as early on, because for me (and I assume many APs) sex can make me more attached - practicing mindfulness - texting less, because for me texting someone a lot or every day creates attachment and expectations - keeping fantasizing about the future in check or at least being mindful that it's purely fantasy - making sure I plan things I enjoy that are nothing to do with the other person - not adding people I'm dating on social media or staring at their photos How about you? I'd actually never realised it was an AP 'thing' that I'd constantly have these things on my mind, so hopefully that's one of the things I can chance as quite frankly, it's really quite annoying. As much as it's nice being excited and caught up in getting to know someone, it makes doing anything else (work, speaking to other people etc) down right difficult. Thanks very much for all of your suggestions, definitely agree on trying to invest a bit less and hope that the investment is returned. And I actually held off having sex with my ex longer than I usually would (sorry if TMI) and I'm going to try and go even longer I think with whosoever my next 'lucky' partner is as I also find it just creates way more of an attachment. To be honest, reading through all of your suggestions, I recognise myself in everything that you have mentioned - the dating multiple people in particular. I have a friend who has always found it really bizarre that I just cannot date multiple people and now I guess I know why I struggle. I'm also trying to practice mindfulness and have been meditating too, and just trying to concentrate on what makes me happy, because I know I can be happy on my own, I have been before. Gym, running, kickboxing and just spending time with friends. If I do meet someone, I will aim to take things slow, I'm just going to try my hardest to have them fit around my life (of course with some compromise) but usually it's me making them the be all and end all. |
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jess92
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Post by jess92 on Aug 30, 2018 21:27:56 GMT
jess92 , you're welcome i really view a healthy relationship as a place to find some refuge and shelter each other as you grow into the best versions of yourself. and, i have a strong belief that what you're ready for, finds you. in dating, as difficult as it was for me to even do it, there came a point where i had enough understanding and compassion for myself, to be self revealing, as consistently as possible. of course there are boundaries and individual considerations. but for an avoidant, the problem of inauthenticity is to reveal little or nothing. for an ap, i suppose there might be a danger of revealing too much. so, individual needs will vary, when it comes to being healthy. but with attachment theory, i know my strengths and weaknesses as an individual and a partner. so, if i am going to date someone, i need a clear presentation and willingness to be humble together and work together if there is an interest. any partner for me would need to be able to have that kind of curiosity, and vulnerability. it's realistic! and, at my age, the dating pool is mostly full of insecurely attached people anyway. the man that i offered the test to was intrigued and interested by the test. he had a great attitude. we were incompatible for other reasons, but now he knows about attachment theory anyway. he was tired of failing at relationships also. now he has another tool to work on it if he wants. so, that's an upshot. it can provide an opportunity for someone to gain something helpful in the experience of dating. I totally agree, having an ultimate goal, whether it be to work on yourselves individual to become a stronger partnership, or even just having mutual long term aspirations. I am already slowly realising that me and my ex just didn't share either of those things really. I think it's really going to stick with me that he'd said a lot of the things he'd suggested i.e moving in together/buying a house, were just because "it seemed the right thing to do" Yes I guess we are both, in our 'raw attachment styles', opposite in terms of revealing too little or too much about ourselves, but then it's about finding that middle ground isn't it. I'm almost certain it will be something I discuss with potential partners going forward, at the right time as like you, I want to eventually be with someone that is intrigued and interested in the way that we all work, be it attachment styles or other psychology and if it happens that they too are an insecure type, then it's something that can be worked through with shared willingness. I like that you mentioned in your other post, how you have both worked together, but also continue to work on yourselves separately and respect those boundaries too <3 I've just seen the graph posted by goldilocks which shows the percentage of different attachment styles by age and it's quite interesting! But it's quite evident from speaking with you, and many others on this forum that there are so many of us 'insecure styles' that are willing to work through it, and that of course isn't depicted on the graph. I think having that acknowledgement and willingness changes so much! |
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Post by happyidiot on Aug 30, 2018 21:47:57 GMT
At any age and for any style there are still many people in the market that will not result in an anxious/avoidant trap. If you are Anxious and limit yourself to secure and anxious types, that is still 9 in every 20 men. One of the couples making attachment exercises are AP/AP. Some forum members are in DA/DA relationships and happy. Awareness, communication and willingness to work are key. Starting from a reasonable compatible position and both partners having sufficiently healed wounds is another key. I think there are more male avoidants than female, no? This chart is based on people total and is also an educated guess and not based on, say, making a bunch of single people of different ages take an attachment test, so I'm skeptical that it might be overly optimistic about the percentages of secures. Personally I find it very hard not to have a scarcity mentality, as there are so few men I find interesting AND attractive AND to have similar interests and goals and such to me period. I would rather be single than in a relationship with someone I just feel "ok" about, so that narrows the dating pool even further for me. I'm also curious how/where one goes about meeting cool secures (or nearly-earned-secures), and am wondering if perhaps they don't use dating apps as much as insecures? I know that other social media habits are different for people different attachment styles, with both anxious and avoidants being more likely to be addicted to social media than secures. I don't think I've dated another AP! Well aside from some first dates with men who were obviously AP and I was not interested in going out with again. AP/AP is the rarest pairing, right? AP/AP relationships actually have the most conflict, according to a study I read, but are widely considered a safer match than AP/avoidant. I definitely have the most conflict with my friends who are AP. I don't think I'm romantically/physically attracted to other APs. I can't recall where but I read someone say somewhere that for an AP to be excited about a secure or AP and not dismiss them as "boring" it helps if they think the person is incredibly good-looking, so that lust will be enough for the AP to get involved with them when they are not feeling the butterflies that come from being attracted to an avoidant. EDIT: as I was thinking about this I started to wonder if a particular ex whose attachment style I am not sure of might have been AP! It's possible. If so, that was a very stressful relationship fraught with conflict. But it was never boring. |
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Post by goldilocks on Aug 30, 2018 22:01:27 GMT
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Post by happyidiot on Aug 30, 2018 22:19:01 GMT
Thanks! I think I was editing my post while you were posting this. It's not a bad idea! Maybe I could be interested in another AP who was really hot and fun! Haha. Now I'm really curious if one of my exes might have possibly been AP. It was not a healthy relationship at all but I've grown a lot since then and would have had much firmer boundaries with him if I'd met him now. I'd previously assumed perhaps he was just a very badly behaved secure, since he was definitely not avoidant. |
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Post by epicgum on Aug 30, 2018 22:29:09 GMT
At any age and for any style there are still many people in the market that will not result in an anxious/avoidant trap. If you are Anxious and limit yourself to secure and anxious types, that is still 9 in every 20 men. One of the couples making attachment exercises are AP/AP. Some forum members are in DA/DA relationships and happy. Awareness, communication and willingness to work are key. Starting from a reasonable compatible position and both partners having sufficiently healed wounds is another key. I think there are more male avoidants than female, no? This chart is based on people total and is also an educated guess and not based on, say, making a bunch of single people of different ages take an attachment test, so I'm skeptical that it might be overly optimistic about the percentages of secures. Personally I find it very hard not to have a scarcity mentality, as there are so few men I find interesting AND attractive AND to have similar interests and goals and such to me period. I would rather be single than in a relationship with someone I just feel "ok" about, so that narrows the dating pool even further for me. I'm also curious how/where one goes about meeting cool secures (or nearly-earned-secures), and am wondering if perhaps they don't use dating apps as much as insecures? I know that other social media habits are different for people different attachment styles, with both anxious and avoidants being more likely to be addicted to social media than secures. I don't think I've dated another AP! Well aside from some first dates with men who were obviously AP and I was not interested in going out with again. AP/AP is the rarest pairing, right? AP/AP relationships actually have the most conflict, according to a study I read, but are widely considered a safer match than AP/avoidant. I definitely have the most conflict with my friends who are AP. I don't think I'm romantically/physically attracted to other APs. I can't recall where but I read someone say somewhere that for an AP to be excited about a secure or AP and not dismiss them as "boring" it helps if they think the person is incredibly good-looking, so that lust will be enough for the AP to get involved with them when they are not feeling the butterflies that come from being attracted to an avoidant. EDIT: as I was thinking about this I started to wonder if a particular ex whose attachment style I am not sure of might have been AP! It's possible. If so, that was a very stressful relationship fraught with conflict. But it was never boring. AP's by nature are going to be attracted to DAs or FAs, because these people will make them "chase" love and that is what they were raised to do via inconsistent attention from their parents. (at least that's my understanding of the theory) |
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I suppose a lot of your openness with your partner comes from the fact you are able to discuss your dismissive tendencies and deactivating strategies? It strikes me as quite an intimate thing to be able to acknowledge with one another (as you've said) "Here's what's wrong with us" 
