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Post by epicgum on Aug 31, 2018 14:06:02 GMT
Jeb says: "If you’re older, bad news: while you were spending time and effort on relationships you were hoping would turn out better, or even happily nestled in a good relationship or two, most of the secure, reliable, sane people in your age group got paired off. They’re married or happily enfamilied, and most of the people your age in the dating pool are tragically unable to form a good long-term relationship. You should always ask yourself, “why is this one still available?”—there may be a good answer (recently widowed or left a long-term relationship), or it may be that this person has just been extraordinarily unlucky in having over twenty short relationships in twenty years (to cite one case!) But it’s far more likely you have met someone with a problematic attachment style. As you age past 40, the percentage of the dating pool that is able to form a secure, stable relationship drops to less than 30%[1]; and since it can take months of dating to understand why Mr. or Ms. SeemsNice is really the future ex-partner from Hell, being able to recognize the difficult types will help you recognize them faster and move on to the next."That sounds a bit harsh, as though everyone should just be snapping up the first available secure and quickly rejecting insecure attachers, who are automatically bad news. I read that 1 in 4 people are able to change their attachment style, so surely there are decent potential partners who are avoidants or anxiouses who have some self-insight and have done some personal growth and are on their way to secure. I'm AP and I don't think I'm "unable" to form a good healthy long-term relationship, and I have had one before. I think many AP and many avoidants can have a good healthy relationship with a secure or their own type; if they work on themselves and ensure they communicate effectively. People can and do work on themselves: qz.com/1206940/attachment-style-changes-with-age/This is the general population rather than the singles pool. But even by Jeb's statistic, 30% is still 6 in every 20 dates. No reason to lose hope. Some people are addicted to the roller coaster ride and will choose to mispair, but then it is better to own this choice than to blame the dating pool. There are always healthy options out there, and the option to stay single also remains. I think this is an important bit from the article: "Chopik argues that we can largely attribute these changes simply to people staying in serious relationships. As we age, we tend to more deeply invest in the roles of partnership—and that changes our interpersonal behaviors and personalities. The emotional bonds developed by maintaining a family make an individual feel more secure." A lot of people speak about needing to "work on yourself" after a breakup as though you can do a bunch of pushups in a cave and emerge free of dysfunctional attachment styles, addictions etc. I think that that impulse is flawed and the way to heal attachment injuries is actually ::within:: relationships, granted maybe they dont need to be romantic relationships, but I do think that is the ideal for healing romantic problems. |
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Post by lilyg on Aug 31, 2018 14:26:29 GMT
Totally, most people are actually decent and not being cruel. Ambiguity is surely the first killer of all type of relationships! Another thought....just like APs need a lot of reassurance in general life, avoidants need LOTS of assurance during conflict. Because if there is conflict and 'angry AP' is yelling at them, they are going to jump to "this person doesn't like me and is stressing me out and I need to run away". APs addressing things to As need to be both very firm and very loving at the same time, and to be clear how much happier it would make them....if it is just angry stick and no carrot, then it is going to "trigger" the As memories of being controlled/punished by parents....they are going to resent you...and they are going to default to seeking independence. At the same time...is IS important to be firm and clear, because the A will have another instinct to dodge and people please and placate to get the stressor to go away. Another important thing is to make an effort to discuss "why" the A feels the way they do about a certain issue, ideally in a non-threatening "academic" manner and what compromises might be possible to get closer to addressing your needs. I've also read it advised to have these sorts of conversations while distracted, doing something together in tandem like bike riding or cooking. This puts you physically parallel to the A so that you are "on the same team" and it is not a confrontation. Hmmm, ok. That's enough rambling thoughts for now!  I'll take note on this, these are verificación interesting points 😊 thank you! |
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Post by alexandra on Aug 31, 2018 17:09:56 GMT
Yes... it just sounds like there may be extra work in making sure you're playing the numbers game... meeting a bigger quantity of people. But still doable once you can figure out signs of what bad matches for you look like. That's the attitude I'm trying to work with right now, anyway  Even if you end up with an insecure, I think better relationship skills can make all the difference. So, after the breakup, my exgf told me how much it caused her anxiety that I didn't always respond to texts right away...I'm not a cruel person, I would have made an effort to be better about that, or figured out another way to calm her anxieties. She always "joked" about me cheating on her, and so I laughed and joked right back....I didn't realize that she was actually seriously freaked out about that possibility. While that is true, it's also the responsibility of your partner to communicate their needs with you. You shouldn't feel the need to overcompensate and anticipate, because then you are overfunctioning in a way that isn't really healthy. You couldn't really do anything about the texting if she'd never said anything, though if she "joked" and brought up cheating you could have asked her for clarification on her feelings. |
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Post by epicgum on Aug 31, 2018 17:27:12 GMT
Even if you end up with an insecure, I think better relationship skills can make all the difference. So, after the breakup, my exgf told me how much it caused her anxiety that I didn't always respond to texts right away...I'm not a cruel person, I would have made an effort to be better about that, or figured out another way to calm her anxieties. She always "joked" about me cheating on her, and so I laughed and joked right back....I didn't realize that she was actually seriously freaked out about that possibility. While that is true, it's also the responsibility of your partner to communicate their needs with you. You shouldn't feel the need to overcompensate and anticipate, because then you are overfunctioning in a way that isn't really healthy. You couldn't really do anything about the texting if she'd never said anything, though if she "joked" and brought up cheating you could have asked her for clarification on her feelings. Oh that's true. She had abysmal communication, almost as bad as mine. Last conversation had her complaining about a whole bunch of stuff that she wanted to do that we never did...and while my avoidant non-confrontational side didn't allow me verbalize it, I was thinking...why didn't you say so? |
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