|
|
Post by faithopelove on Oct 23, 2018 23:43:12 GMT
Kristy, he’s your ex. He’s been your ex for a fair while. It’s time to give up. He has told you exactly as it is for him, and the small talk follows on from that. This now isn’t about his behaviour. It’s about yours. It’s about looking at the three fingers pointing back. He’s been upfront. It’s now up to you to fight or accept it. There are people I cannot be friends with, and I’ve tried. Contact sends me into a tailspin, and I’ve just had enough. I’m tired. Yes, the contact is putting me through the ringer. when things were quiet I was moving towards acceptance, now he is texting about dinner and I just feel kinda sick about it. It seems to be the way people say it goes- when you let go and feel good, they come back. I wouldn’t know bc I’ve been pursuing my ex since our break. I’m not contacting now and it’s very difficult for the AP in me. I’m wondering if it’s easier for me to give in and see him casually twice a month at his comfort level or deny myself all contact in an attempt to focus on me? I have to say that the silence of the past 2 weeks distracts me from myself. 😏 |
|
|
|
Post by faithopelove on Oct 23, 2018 23:44:30 GMT
Kristy, he’s your ex. He’s been your ex for a fair while. It’s time to give up. He has told you exactly as it is for him, and the small talk follows on from that. This now isn’t about his behaviour. It’s about yours. It’s about looking at the three fingers pointing back. He’s been upfront. It’s now up to you to fight or accept it. There are people I cannot be friends with, and I’ve tried. Contact sends me into a tailspin, and I’ve just had enough. I’m tired. Yes, the contact is putting me through the ringer. when things were quiet I was moving towards acceptance, now he is texting about dinner and I just feel kinda sick about it. Is he willing to reconcile or just see you casually? |
|
|
|
Post by kristyrose on Oct 23, 2018 23:51:50 GMT
No, no reconciliation was ever on his mind.
This is what we do- our dance and he always sends me an email or text about not acting as if we are dating, then there is distance, then we go right back to quasi-dating for months, then rinse and repeat. So, basically because I told him this time I would need some time to respond to his email, he seems like he is panicking because I'm acting differently this time. I am not rushing back to see him when he first reached out last weekend to hang.
I'm working on feeling sad and gaining true acceptance of who we are with each other. My goal is to let him go. And when he comes back like this, it's extremely hard and causes me anxiety. It used to cause me absolute elation and joy knowing he's back- but now that I know it doesn't yield any new results, all I feel is sad and trapped.
|
|
|
|
Post by kristyrose on Oct 23, 2018 23:53:02 GMT
Yes, the contact is putting me through the ringer. when things were quiet I was moving towards acceptance, now he is texting about dinner and I just feel kinda sick about it. Is there anything you can do to focus on where your anxiety is actually coming from? I know it seems like it's from him, and I don't doubt that the dynamic is currently toxic for you both. However, maybe you can use the opportunity to hone in on what exactly your AP side is being activated by. What I should have done is ask for space more directly. I didn't do that so now he just keeps reaching out. so at this point, that is what I need to do and just keep working on myself. |
|
|
|
Post by faithopelove on Oct 24, 2018 0:06:26 GMT
No, no reconciliation was ever on his mind. This is what we do- our dance and he always sends me an email or text about not acting as if we are dating, then there is distance, then we go right back to quasi-dating for months, then rinse and repeat. So, basically because I told him this time I would need some time to respond to his email, he seems like he is panicking because I'm acting differently this time. I am not rushing back to see him when he first reached out last weekend to hang. I'm working on feeling sad and gaining true acceptance of who we are with each other. My goal is to let him go. And when he comes back like this, it's extremely hard and causes me anxiety. It used to cause me absolute elation and joy knowing he's back- but now that I know it doesn't yield any new results, all I feel is sad and trapped. Oh, gotcha and I can relate bc my ex and I have been doing this casual dance for 11 months. No phone calls or dates. I want more and he can’t give it. I do almost all initiating and I think his logical side, along with his depression, said enough is enough. Hard to tell bc his silence is typical. I understand that trapped feeling living in limbo. How long has this been going on? I’m here when you need support 💗 |
|
|
|
Post by kristyrose on Oct 24, 2018 0:08:00 GMT
As mrob so bluntly put it- I've not accepted that its over and has been for a while. He's right. I chose to believe that every time he kept coming back over and over despite his protesting we are not together as a sign that he loves me and wants to be together. Truth is, he is playing out his own attachment stuff that he has no interest in examining but I know it's not about some great love for me. He pushes very hard then pursues equally if not harder and for me that has become irresistible. Had I just accepted the reality, I would not still be participating in this. |
|
|
|
Post by kristyrose on Oct 24, 2018 0:09:16 GMT
No, no reconciliation was ever on his mind. This is what we do- our dance and he always sends me an email or text about not acting as if we are dating, then there is distance, then we go right back to quasi-dating for months, then rinse and repeat. So, basically because I told him this time I would need some time to respond to his email, he seems like he is panicking because I'm acting differently this time. I am not rushing back to see him when he first reached out last weekend to hang. I'm working on feeling sad and gaining true acceptance of who we are with each other. My goal is to let him go. And when he comes back like this, it's extremely hard and causes me anxiety. It used to cause me absolute elation and joy knowing he's back- but now that I know it doesn't yield any new results, all I feel is sad and trapped. Oh, gotcha and I can relate bc my ex and I have been doing this casual dance for 11 months. No phone calls or dates. I want more and he can’t give it. I do almost all initiating and I think his logical side, along with his depression, said enough is enough. Hard to tell bc his silence is typical. I understand that trapped feeling living in limbo. How long has this been going on? I’m here when you need support 💗 Together 2 years, post break up stuff 1.5 so in total 3.5 years of this. |
|
|
|
Post by epicgum on Oct 24, 2018 0:29:33 GMT
I think under stress we all become less controlled and revert more strongly back to our original attachment style. Yes, I agree with that Epicgum. I know i do! I am surprised that after he sent that just a few days later he wants to hang out. I mean, his whole email was about how great the space was and how it made him realize he wants to spend less time with me and have his freedom. I'm trying to just take his words at face value, but it can be hard when his actions almost always never match up. Why even make small talk for the past 3 days? For what? To make sure I'm still that little dog waiting at the door?! I'm sorry kristyrose it is very cruel to push and pull you like that. I dont know if it will help but I'll try to provide my insight on it. I never did or said anything quite that cruel, but the push-pull things I did engage were because I was both afraid of loss and abandonment and also afraid of the other person's feelings (the consequence of which would be loss of autonomy/engulfment/being overwhelmed or abandonment), and because of those intense fears I sought to control the relationship so that my partner would like me, but not so much that they overwhelmed me with their needs. The cruel distancing may (I am speculating) also be expressing some anger, which, because of the above mentioned insecurity and lack of trust, he can only express when he feels totally in control, which he does feel when he is rejecting you and you want him back. This anger could be a reaction to a perceived attempt on your part to engulf/manipulate/control him or possibly a wound to his ego when you criticize him, or he realizes that he failed to meet your needs, feels hurt and gets angry and lashes out in response the most hurtful way he knows how. (I have experienced something like this when my partner pushed for us to move in together suddenly after some time apart (traveling for work) and I felt like I was being cornered and I shut her down and said we would never live together--not angrily, but out of anger and fear of engulfment. Being FA that memory really hurts now as I miss her.) It could also be that this anger is not even at you, but at people in his past who bullied, humiliated and hurt him and having internalized those lessons he now (subconsciously) reenacts those patterns with himself in the power position and takes his revenge on you. The only thing I could think to do is to make it clear to him in a non-judgmental way that does not aggravate his wounds, how much incredible pain this causes you, as theres no way I would have knowingly inflicted this degree of pain on my partner, and then share with him the attachment stuff in the same "safe" manner as my natural curiosity would have driven me to understand it. Sadly, I'm sure you've done both of these things and he's uninterested in learning (which would be the first step to changing), so I'm not sure what else you can expect other than for him to blindly stumble down the same self destructive pattern. I'm sorry that you are in so much pain kristyrose. These angry, maladaptive and manipulative actions dont have anything to do with you or your value, but are manifestations of his own issues. (That I see reflected in some form in my own past.) These are just my own thoughts, they maybe wrong and I dont wish to hurt or offend you in your time of pain hopefully it helps. You have lots of love here on this forum, sending hugs and support. |
|
|
|
Post by kristyrose on Oct 24, 2018 0:35:27 GMT
epicgum, This helps more than you know.
|
|
|
|
Post by 8675309 on Oct 24, 2018 0:39:52 GMT
He pushes very hard then pursues equally if not harder and for me that has become irresistible. I feel your pain! LOL
I didn't see mine on some of the come backs because the come back was 'lack luster', as much as I wanted to see him, pffft you have to work for it, you just vanished on me... Then others he came back blazing hard seeming to actually put in real effort. I caved and saw him. Then poof.
I know mine will be back again...
Hes been deleted in my phone and I muted him on social media so I cant see his stuff. Out of site out of mind so to speak.
|
|
|
|
Post by faithopelove on Oct 24, 2018 2:07:03 GMT
Oh, gotcha and I can relate bc my ex and I have been doing this casual dance for 11 months. No phone calls or dates. I want more and he can’t give it. I do almost all initiating and I think his logical side, along with his depression, said enough is enough. Hard to tell bc his silence is typical. I understand that trapped feeling living in limbo. How long has this been going on? I’m here when you need support 💗 Together 2 years, post break up stuff 1.5 so in total 3.5 years of this. Sorry...sounds like both painful to leave and stay. I hope you find your peace. You’re not alone 💐 |
|
|
|
Post by faithopelove on Oct 24, 2018 2:13:32 GMT
No, no reconciliation was ever on his mind. This is what we do- our dance and he always sends me an email or text about not acting as if we are dating, then there is distance, then we go right back to quasi-dating for months, then rinse and repeat. So, basically because I told him this time I would need some time to respond to his email, he seems like he is panicking because I'm acting differently this time. I am not rushing back to see him when he first reached out last weekend to hang. I'm working on feeling sad and gaining true acceptance of who we are with each other. My goal is to let him go. And when he comes back like this, it's extremely hard and causes me anxiety. It used to cause me absolute elation and joy knowing he's back- but now that I know it doesn't yield any new results, all I feel is sad and trapped. If you’re ultimate goal is to let him go, than perhaps a clean break is what you need? A chance to heal and get over him without salt being poured in your wound and without you needing to resist his advances. Could you just communicate your need for time to heal away from him? Just be honest and tell him this cycle is just all too much and you need time alone? If I really wanted to be done with a guy that I was trapped in a cycle with for several months, I’d need to say my part and block his number. I blocked my ex husband so I could move on peacefully with my life. Sometimes you have to create those firm boundaries. For me, that would be the only way. Hugs 🌺 |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Oct 24, 2018 3:45:14 GMT
also, i know that all the insecure attachment behaviors have deep roots in survival. i agree that the overtbehaviors have more potential to be punishing and violent, and are activated by the fight response of the nervous system which is by nature more aggressive. Hey, Juni  Yes, I can fully confirm when I’m activated and without emotional self-control, I am completely in fight or flight mode. I fight for my safety and it makes me incredibly focused on me and soothing myself. I’m hypersensitive to my partner’s withdrawing, whether perceived or imaginary, and NEED to reconnect...and it’s an urgency like my life depends on it. In times past I felt like I had no control over the attempt to reach out and connect. Instead of self-soothing and self-regulation, my soothing comes from feeling like everything is ok between my partner and me. If he’s ok, then I’m ok and that makes me feel safe. If he’s not ok- I feel unsafe and panicked. I haven’t been activated like this for several months, but I still remember how strong the impulse was to chase and reconnect. I felt like my body was HIJACKED in those moments by my emotions. Part of the reason not contacting my ex now is tough bc we ended on a flat note- his response was short and cool. He’s not ok I'm thinking. That thought weighs heavily over me. I want to try to remedy that and already tried with one apogetic text, but I’m resisting the now lower urge to reach out again. I’m still tempted though every day. In the time and space since the break, I haven’t reacted in full blown fight or flight mode since becoming self-aware; although it’s still my default mode and I need to recognize that feeling of being hijacked by my fears and manage them appropriately. When I think how I overreacted in my relationship, I feel so ashamed. One conflict in particular, he shut down and wouldn’t talk, so I dialed his cell multiple times to address the situation. His refusal to answer only made me want to connect more and made him shut down further....and lose his trust. So embarrassed to admit. I don’t think he ever trusted me again after that conflict. It was the first time he said the words “break up” to me. Regarding the other post- as an AP, I don’t view a partner as a villain. I may feel he’s leaving or doesn’t care- but I never thought of him as a bad guy, not consciously anyway. I can now see why the person on the receiving end though of the AP protests may feel deeply criticized. In this case w my ex, he was extremely self-aware of his defenses and limitations- I had zero clue about my own insecurities. That was my downfall. its so crazy how we DO get hijacked. That is the nervous system piece. so for an avoidant, we get hijacked the other way. it feels unavoidable. i've had to work really hard to change the wiring. it's not perfect! it helps to not be in a triggering dynamic though!!! and unfortunately, it does feel like deep criticism and devaluing to be on the receiving end of AP protest behavior. it feels like character assasination, and personality degradation. it feels like condemnation. i'm touched that you recognize that. And, i can understand why avoidant retreat feels cruel, as well. i get it. the two styles wound each other, unless there is a mutual commitment to individual and couple work. but the patterns are so deep, so strong, so much damage can be done just trying to keep it together. it can happen, but mostly i think it's safest to not remain in the dynamic, for both partners. i try to share the DA side just so there is an understanding, of what drives us and how we think so differently. i don't mean it to be painful although i know it can be. one thing that is natural to DA is an analytical and straightforward communication style that i have learned is difficult for some, although i mean well. that right there is a way that i feel misunderstood but i don't know how possible it is to be another way, although i do try to adjust. some have far more grace in their speech than i do. but to me, talking candidly is a kindness. so i have to keep working on that but i've been working on a LOT with just getting though the deactivation piece. anyway, i digress. it's a lot to change your attachment style and we are all works in progress. secure attachment with opposite LEANING, could be good. but insecure opposites? very painful both ways. just so painful. |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Oct 24, 2018 3:51:32 GMT
I am surprised that after he sent that just a few days later he wants to hang out. I mean, his whole email was about how great the space was and how it made him realize he wants to spend less time with me and have his freedom. I'm trying to just take his words at face value, but it can be hard when his actions almost always never match up. Why even make small talk for the past 3 days? For what? To make sure I'm still that little dog waiting at the door?! I don't think he's doing it on purpose. I am starting to suspect that some FAs who haven't done any self work and don't have awareness yet can't emotionally regulate themselves well. So they are very reactionary to their moods and that's it... if they are deactivated (afraid of engulfment), they push and don't introspect, and if they are anxious (afraid of abandonment), they pull. When faced with an attachment figure and still not processing their own issues, they're in a constant state of trying to relieve their anxiety or their discomfort, and can feel "bored" if not being compelled in one of those two directions. Not bashing FAs at all. I don't think it's intentional, it seems to be a difficult and painful state of being. I'm sorry there's still a lot of instability. I otherwise have the same thing to say as always... own your mistakes and acknowledge them (apologize if you were in the wrong), move on from them after and don't ruminate but do try to reflect and work on them for your own sake, do what's best for yourself at the moment (which sounds like it's taking a break of indefinite length), and don't take his issues personally. YES. i believe FA get hijacked in both directions. how could it not be? AP get hijacked by activation. DA get hijacked by deactivation. Poor FA get yanked around both directions all the time by their own nervous system. Think about this. It's got to be incredibly confusing and difficult. i know how i was before awareness. i had no clue about me, or anyone. i was just going on deep instincts. I have loads of empathy for how wrenching this must be for FA. we have to remember this. hijacked BOTH WAYS. it's beyond what any straight up style has to bear. the climb is steep for FA . am i wrong? this is just what makes sense to me. |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Oct 24, 2018 4:01:48 GMT
and i was wondering... is it possible that seeing a partner as the villain is kind of like a mini-deactivation to repel the hope that overwhelms, as you mentioned tnr9 ? a protection measure, against one's own longing that feels overwhelming and unstoppable? i mean, i've seen partners as villains in deactivation. deactivation is about just getting safe. but i eventually realized that staying in that mindset seemed to be very disempowering to me. it kept me angry and tangled up. i'm just spitballing here. |
|
Yes, I can fully confirm when I’m activated and without emotional self-control, I am completely in fight or flight mode. I fight for my safety and it makes me incredibly focused on me and soothing myself. I’m hypersensitive to my partner’s withdrawing, whether perceived or imaginary, and NEED to reconnect...and it’s an urgency like my life depends on it. In times past I felt like I had no control over the attempt to reach out and connect. Instead of self-soothing and self-regulation, my soothing comes from feeling like everything is ok between my partner and me. If he’s ok, then I’m ok and that makes me feel safe. If he’s not ok- I feel unsafe and panicked. I haven’t been activated like this for several months, but I still remember how strong the impulse was to chase and reconnect. I felt like my body was HIJACKED in those moments by my emotions. Part of the reason not contacting my ex now is tough bc we ended on a flat note- his response was short and cool. He’s not ok I'm thinking. That thought weighs heavily over me. I want to try to remedy that and already tried with one apogetic text, but I’m resisting the now lower urge to reach out again. I’m still tempted though every day.