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Post by blueunif on Oct 21, 2018 0:43:31 GMT
Tonight I thought about some of what I am struggling with and if I am honest...I don't understand how B is able to move on...but because he has and I...haven't...I feel like I look foolish/selfish and childish while he looks open/accepting and realistic. While he was over we talked about a girl that he is now friends with in the community. She has invited him to various group activities. He says she is very nice and he finds her attractive...but he has not pursued anything with her because he isn't ready and he doesn't want to hurt anyone else the way he hurt me. I had such mixed feelings....I knew he did not mean to hurt me...but I also felt a bit angry that he was taking extra measures to protect other girls but did not protect me...and yet...I can't stay angry because at the same time....I could have also slowed things down between us. So I am really conflicted. I also can't shake my AP desire to figure him out so that I can change myself to be what he wants so that I could have a second chance.....and the awareness of that hurts because I don't want to manipulate things...but I do....so again...a lot of conflicted feelings. Sometimes it just sucks. I so know what you mean, esp your last sentence. I'm doing the same at the moment, sometimes ok, functioning, other times spinning out and getting caught in a ruminating nightmare trying to figure it all out. Know that it goes up and down and try and ride the waves. (Although I know that when it's bad there is no other reality!) Be gentle with yourself. Usually when I manage to do that I cry for a long time - it must be the healing process where we are holding the inner child. Go easy  |
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Post by Deleted on Oct 21, 2018 2:20:48 GMT
Tonight I thought about some of what I am struggling with and if I am honest...I don't understand how B is able to move on...but because he has and I...haven't...I feel like I look foolish/selfish and childish while he looks open/accepting and realistic. While he was over we talked about a girl that he is now friends with in the community. She has invited him to various group activities. He says she is very nice and he finds her attractive...but he has not pursued anything with her because he isn't ready and he doesn't want to hurt anyone else the way he hurt me. I had such mixed feelings....I knew he did not mean to hurt me...but I also felt a bit angry that he was taking extra measures to protect other girls but did not protect me...and yet...I can't stay angry because at the same time....I could have also slowed things down between us. So I am really conflicted. I also can't shake my AP desire to figure him out so that I can change myself to be what he wants so that I could have a second chance.....and the awareness of that hurts because I don't want to manipulate things...but I do....so again...a lot of conflicted feelings. Sometimes it just sucks. I am so sorry. I see the pain in your post. I wish I could give you some advice because I know the process is easier for me and wish I could help take your pain away. Every person has their own timetable and process. As others have said, it is a story in your head that he will do for others what he didn't do for you. More than likely he is the same person and will make the same mistakes again. You can grow and give your best self to someone who is deserving of you. My process involves closing my mind to information about my ex and focusing on what is best for me, my feeling and my process. Its like shutting the door and gaining some distance. I hope you feel better soon. |
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Post by notalone on Oct 21, 2018 3:45:08 GMT
Cut contact with him completely, or as much as you can. If you want to be friends once you’re really truly over him, you can explore that then. It’s not a real option now. It’s just a way to hold on.
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Post by tnr9 on Oct 21, 2018 12:22:41 GMT
Don't get tricked by the AP negative talk. There's room for his feelings (moving on) and yours (moving on at a different speed). Having feelings that are not perfectly mirroring each other doesn't make you less than, as it's not a competition or any point of comparison. I used to do that a lot. I'm so pathetic because it's been X amount of time and he just is so over it and I'm not. Does this reflect how a caretaker made little tnr9 feel at some point? No room for your feelings, the adult will instead tell you how to feel. Maybe the adult will insist you are inferior for having different feelings than they want you to. Maybe that attachment figure appeared to take better care of others, too. Didn't protect your feelings or little tnr9, but appeared to try harder for someone else. Maybe it's not that, but I don't believe the negative feelings and narrative you're going through right now are directly about B. AP patterns developed for protection. Is there anything deeper you can uncover if you keep the focus on yourself and how you're feeling? Does anything about the patterned thoughts seem really familiar but maybe unrelated?Hey alexandra...it does....there are a ton of old wounds that are bubbling to the surface.....the divorce really did a number on all three of us, but for me...everything felt so personal...like somehow I caused my parents to divorce...and oftentimes, I was told my feelings were wrong or selfish when I knew something was up. About 5 years ago...my brother was really struggling with resentment and on a drive, my mom said wasn't it a shame that my brother could not get the attention he needed when he was 7 because I was getting the lion's share of attention because I was so emotional....I was 9...and the attention wasn't positive. It hurt in such a core place. I have been fighting a scarcity model...not enough love, time, money..and my lens is very skewed. I am trying to peel back the layers and understand why I have all these deep feeling surrounding B...what about him specifically drives the reactions in me...I am still exploring. |
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Post by tnr9 on Oct 21, 2018 12:26:50 GMT
Tonight I thought about some of what I am struggling with and if I am honest...I don't understand how B is able to move on...but because he has and I...haven't...I feel like I look foolish/selfish and childish while he looks open/accepting and realistic. While he was over we talked about a girl that he is now friends with in the community. She has invited him to various group activities. He says she is very nice and he finds her attractive...but he has not pursued anything with her because he isn't ready and he doesn't want to hurt anyone else the way he hurt me. I had such mixed feelings....I knew he did not mean to hurt me...but I also felt a bit angry that he was taking extra measures to protect other girls but did not protect me...and yet...I can't stay angry because at the same time....I could have also slowed things down between us. So I am really conflicted. I also can't shake my AP desire to figure him out so that I can change myself to be what he wants so that I could have a second chance.....and the awareness of that hurts because I don't want to manipulate things...but I do....so again...a lot of conflicted feelings. Sometimes it just sucks. You are caught up in the story - it is just that - a story. So real that it feels like the truth but infact it's just your habitual patterns chattering away again. It matters not if it is true or not but your job going forward is to take a step back from the jabbering (internally) and allow it to flow on past and your feelings to surface, be nurtured and also flow on past. Trying to understand it or yourself is just a veiled mechanism to self protect from real experience. Once you learn to to this you are well on your way to being free in the long term. Stop thinking and start feeling! www.youtube.com/watch?v=FLlVV3dKl9wThis one is for you x Thanks ocarina...I will certainly watch the video later. It is interesting you suggest letting the feelings happen...I have noticed myself spending a ton of time watching Netflix...and I think that is because I don't want to feel and would rather numb. |
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Post by tnr9 on Oct 21, 2018 12:29:57 GMT
Tonight I thought about some of what I am struggling with and if I am honest...I don't understand how B is able to move on...but because he has and I...haven't...I feel like I look foolish/selfish and childish while he looks open/accepting and realistic. While he was over we talked about a girl that he is now friends with in the community. She has invited him to various group activities. He says she is very nice and he finds her attractive...but he has not pursued anything with her because he isn't ready and he doesn't want to hurt anyone else the way he hurt me. I had such mixed feelings....I knew he did not mean to hurt me...but I also felt a bit angry that he was taking extra measures to protect other girls but did not protect me...and yet...I can't stay angry because at the same time....I could have also slowed things down between us. So I am really conflicted. I also can't shake my AP desire to figure him out so that I can change myself to be what he wants so that I could have a second chance.....and the awareness of that hurts because I don't want to manipulate things...but I do....so again...a lot of conflicted feelings. Sometimes it just sucks. I am so sorry. I see the pain in your post. I wish I could give you some advice because I know the process is easier for me and wish I could help take your pain away. Every person has their own timetable and process. As others have said, it is a story in your head that he will do for others what he didn't do for you. More than likely he is the same person and will make the same mistakes again. You can grow and give your best self to someone who is deserving of you. My process involves closing my mind to information about my ex and focusing on what is best for me, my feeling and my process. Its like shutting the door and gaining some distance. I hope you feel better soon. Thanks @mary.....i own that I could close the door..and that I choose to keep it open...I am looking to see what positive changes I can make for me...I really appreciate your support. |
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Post by tnr9 on Oct 21, 2018 12:32:59 GMT
Cut contact with him completely, or as much as you can. If you want to be friends once you’re really truly over him, you can explore that then. It’s not a real option now. It’s just a way to hold on. Hey notalone....I get it...and I agree...I am still holding on..but cutting contact is something that I am not prepared to do....I am however focusing on me and haven't reached out since that day which is huge as before I would have reached out. So glad to see you here. |
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Post by faithopelove on Oct 24, 2018 23:51:56 GMT
Cut contact with him completely, or as much as you can. If you want to be friends once you’re really truly over him, you can explore that then. It’s not a real option now. It’s just a way to hold on. Hey notalone....I get it...and I agree...I am still holding on..but cutting contact is something that I am not prepared to do....I am however focusing on me and haven't reached out since that day which is huge as before I would have reached out. So glad to see you here. Does he reach out to you if you don’t? |
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Post by tnr9 on Oct 25, 2018 0:43:26 GMT
Hey notalone ....I get it...and I agree...I am still holding on..but cutting contact is something that I am not prepared to do....I am however focusing on me and haven't reached out since that day which is huge as before I would have reached out. So glad to see you here. Does he reach out to you if you don’t? Occationally...but often I am the one that checks in first. |
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Post by 8675309 on Oct 25, 2018 14:20:39 GMT
Cut contact with him completely, or as much as you can. If you want to be friends once you’re really truly over him, you can explore that then. It’s not a real option now. It’s just a way to hold on. Hey notalone ....I get it...and I agree...I am still holding on..but cutting contact is something that I am not prepared to do....I am however focusing on me and haven't reached out since that day which is huge as before I would have reached out. So glad to see you here. Id really try to cut it all off. Be the Queen of Swords, you got this. Its going to hurt and you'll want to fight it tooth and nail but deep down you have the strength to cut the cord. I know how hard that part is as Im a secure and I kept a cord attached far too long. Im still in fight mode with this because my cord cutting is still fresh. I know the total reality, I know I will find someone else, etc and its still a fight.
The contact and holding on is not healthy and will prolong any of your healing. deep down you know this too, you have to fight it and bring the Queen of Swords to cut that cord.
This is how most Secures I know move on, you cut it off, its how I do. We cant get out of their energy and fully move forward unless you cut the energy cord. Keeping the cord attached prolongs pain, longing, false hope, etc.
Keeping cords attached also blocks the universe from sending someone better, you're staying stuck in a 'karmic' cycle not learning the lesson so to speak. Take the lessons and break free so the universe will send you someone open and secure. |
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Post by tnr9 on Oct 25, 2018 15:52:15 GMT
Hey notalone ....I get it...and I agree...I am still holding on..but cutting contact is something that I am not prepared to do....I am however focusing on me and haven't reached out since that day which is huge as before I would have reached out. So glad to see you here. Id really try to cut it all off. Be the Queen of Swords, you got this. Its going to hurt and you'll want to fight it tooth and nail but deep down you have the strength to cut the cord. I know how hard that part is as Im a secure and I kept a cord attached far too long. Im still in fight mode with this because my cord cutting is still fresh. I know the total reality, I know I will find someone else, etc and its still a fight.
The contact and holding on is not healthy and will prolong any of your healing. deep down you know this too, you have to fight it and bring the Queen of Swords to cut that cord.
This is how most Secures I know move on, you cut it off, its how I do. We cant get out of their energy and fully move forward unless you cut the energy cord. Keeping the cord attached prolongs pain, longing, false hope, etc.
Keeping cords attached also blocks the universe from sending someone better, you're staying stuck in a 'karmic' cycle not learning the lesson so to speak. Take the lessons and break free so the universe will send you someone open and secure. This is a very interesting perspective for me...I always assumed that secure people could find a way back to friendship because there would be an understanding that things were not personal and each person was autonomous. I always viewed my inability to view B from that perspective as a weakness, a barrier...some kind of flaw in my design....after all...B seems able to view me as a friend without any mixed feeling (except for the physical attraction he brings up from time to time in a boyish way) and is able to hold me very loosely and at a distance...and I can't do that. I had hoped that in time it would get better..that I could be that fun loving friend who can simply hang with him without any expectation...just so I could have some level of contact with him....but every time I see him there are...ripples.....and I know they are not coming from him...they are coming from inside me. I keep praying that God will transform my heart so that I can love B the way He does...but that hasn't happened yet. So I feel like a failure. 😕 |
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Post by goldilocks on Oct 25, 2018 17:33:09 GMT
Hey notalone ....I get it...and I agree...I am still holding on..but cutting contact is something that I am not prepared to do....I am however focusing on me and haven't reached out since that day which is huge as before I would have reached out. So glad to see you here. Id really try to cut it all off. Be the Queen of Swords, you got this. Its going to hurt and you'll want to fight it tooth and nail but deep down you have the strength to cut the cord. I know how hard that part is as Im a secure and I kept a cord attached far too long. Im still in fight mode with this because my cord cutting is still fresh. I know the total reality, I know I will find someone else, etc and its still a fight.
The contact and holding on is not healthy and will prolong any of your healing. deep down you know this too, you have to fight it and bring the Queen of Swords to cut that cord.
This is how most Secures I know move on, you cut it off, its how I do. We cant get out of their energy and fully move forward unless you cut the energy cord. Keeping the cord attached prolongs pain, longing, false hope, etc.
Keeping cords attached also blocks the universe from sending someone better, you're staying stuck in a 'karmic' cycle not learning the lesson so to speak. Take the lessons and break free so the universe will send you someone open and secure. It may help to do a cord cutting ceremony on your own or with a therapist. |
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Post by 8675309 on Oct 25, 2018 23:47:09 GMT
Id really try to cut it all off. Be the Queen of Swords, you got this. Its going to hurt and you'll want to fight it tooth and nail but deep down you have the strength to cut the cord. I know how hard that part is as Im a secure and I kept a cord attached far too long. Im still in fight mode with this because my cord cutting is still fresh. I know the total reality, I know I will find someone else, etc and its still a fight.
The contact and holding on is not healthy and will prolong any of your healing. deep down you know this too, you have to fight it and bring the Queen of Swords to cut that cord.
This is how most Secures I know move on, you cut it off, its how I do. We cant get out of their energy and fully move forward unless you cut the energy cord. Keeping the cord attached prolongs pain, longing, false hope, etc.
Keeping cords attached also blocks the universe from sending someone better, you're staying stuck in a 'karmic' cycle not learning the lesson so to speak. Take the lessons and break free so the universe will send you someone open and secure. This is a very interesting perspective for me...I always assumed that secure people could find a way back to friendship because there would be an understanding that things were not personal and each person was autonomous. I always viewed my inability to view B from that perspective as a weakness, a barrier...some kind of flaw in my design....after all...B seems able to view me as a friend without any mixed feeling (except for the physical attraction he brings up from time to time in a boyish way) and is able to hold me very loosely and at a distance...and I can't do that. I had hoped that in time it would get better..that I could be that fun loving friend who can simply hang with him without any expectation...just so I could have some level of contact with him....but every time I see him there are...ripples.....and I know they are not coming from him...they are coming from inside me. I keep praying that God will transform my heart so that I can love B the way He does...but that hasn't happened yet. So I feel like a failure. 😕 We can find our way to a friendship but thats after the romantic feeling are gone. I dont see this as an attachment thing, its a human thing. How can you get over it if they are still lingering in your energy not taking the space to move on from the feelings?
I personally wont be friends with an ex when he wants me back/has feelings. Its not fair to him, gives him false hope and leaves him trapped in my energy. I let him go so he can move on, I cut that cord. I do whats best for him and myself. Your ex should let you go as well, hes not being fair to you either. You still have feelings and want him back. You are trapped and he partly enables it by still communicating and sexual talk.
And in general exes are exes for a reason and there is a reason why many are not friends. Doesn't mean you dislike each other, wish them well, etc. Being friendly with them when you run into each other sure but you are not really friends, they are an ex.
How many of us go chatting and hanging out with exes? Most dont. Do you hang out and chat with your other exes?
You cannot hang out with him and just be friends without it hurting, you still have feelings. I cannot hang out with mine either as friends right now, I have feelings and it will just bring me down. I know myself, I just cant, trapped...
I test heavy secure, some DA, and 2% anxious. Secures are not 100%, none of us are. Mine triggered my anxious side but my secure logical side kept my behavior in check. I didn't project my anxiousness on him, I sat in it alone. After stumbling on attachment it relived my anxiousness totally.
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Post by faithopelove on Oct 26, 2018 1:11:10 GMT
This is a very interesting perspective for me...I always assumed that secure people could find a way back to friendship because there would be an understanding that things were not personal and each person was autonomous. I always viewed my inability to view B from that perspective as a weakness, a barrier...some kind of flaw in my design....after all...B seems able to view me as a friend without any mixed feeling (except for the physical attraction he brings up from time to time in a boyish way) and is able to hold me very loosely and at a distance...and I can't do that. I had hoped that in time it would get better..that I could be that fun loving friend who can simply hang with him without any expectation...just so I could have some level of contact with him....but every time I see him there are...ripples.....and I know they are not coming from him...they are coming from inside me. I keep praying that God will transform my heart so that I can love B the way He does...but that hasn't happened yet. So I feel like a failure. 😕 We can find our way to a friendship but thats after the romantic feeling are gone. I dont see this as an attachment thing, its a human thing. How can you get over it if they are still lingering in your energy not taking the space to move on from the feelings?
I personally wont be friends with an ex when he wants me back/has feelings. Its not fair to him, gives him false hope and leaves him trapped in my energy. I let him go so he can move on, I cut that cord. I do whats best for him and myself. Your ex should let you go as well, hes not being fair to you either. You still have feelings and want him back. You are trapped and he partly enables it by still communicating and sexual talk.
And in general exes are exes for a reason and there is a reason why many are not friends. Doesn't mean you dislike each other, wish them well, etc. Being friendly with them when you run into each other sure but you are not really friends, they are an ex.
How many of us go chatting and hanging out with exes? Most dont. Do you hang out and chat with your other exes?
You cannot hang out with him and just be friends without it hurting, you still have feelings. I cannot hang out with mine either as friends right now, I have feelings and it will just bring me down. I know myself, I just cant, trapped...
I test heavy secure, some DA, and 2% anxious. Secures are not 100%, none of us are. Mine triggered my anxious side but my secure logical side kept my behavior in check. I didn't project my anxiousness on him, I sat in it alone. After stumbling on attachment it relived my anxiousness totally.
Yes, I would only be friends with an ex or hang out if I wanted him back. I wouldn’t be able to be platonic with an ex I was harboring feelings for- no way my feelings wouldn’t get in the way of a “normal” friendship. |
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Post by tnr9 on Oct 26, 2018 1:19:57 GMT
We can find our way to a friendship but thats after the romantic feeling are gone. I dont see this as an attachment thing, its a human thing. How can you get over it if they are still lingering in your energy not taking the space to move on from the feelings?
I personally wont be friends with an ex when he wants me back/has feelings. Its not fair to him, gives him false hope and leaves him trapped in my energy. I let him go so he can move on, I cut that cord. I do whats best for him and myself. Your ex should let you go as well, hes not being fair to you either. You still have feelings and want him back. You are trapped and he partly enables it by still communicating and sexual talk.
And in general exes are exes for a reason and there is a reason why many are not friends. Doesn't mean you dislike each other, wish them well, etc. Being friendly with them when you run into each other sure but you are not really friends, they are an ex.
How many of us go chatting and hanging out with exes? Most dont. Do you hang out and chat with your other exes?
You cannot hang out with him and just be friends without it hurting, you still have feelings. I cannot hang out with mine either as friends right now, I have feelings and it will just bring me down. I know myself, I just cant, trapped...
I test heavy secure, some DA, and 2% anxious. Secures are not 100%, none of us are. Mine triggered my anxious side but my secure logical side kept my behavior in check. I didn't project my anxiousness on him, I sat in it alone. After stumbling on attachment it relived my anxiousness totally.
Yes, I would only be friends with an ex or hang out if I wanted him back. I wouldn’t be able to be platonic with an ex I was harboring feelings for- no way my feelings wouldn’t get in the way of a “normal” friendship. I am not friends with any other exes...which is why this has been even more challenging...I have no road map for how that works. I had truly hoped my feelings would soften but they have not. |
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