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Post by faithopelove on Oct 26, 2018 2:33:12 GMT
Yes, I would only be friends with an ex or hang out if I wanted him back. I wouldn’t be able to be platonic with an ex I was harboring feelings for- no way my feelings wouldn’t get in the way of a “normal” friendship. I am not friends with any other exes...which is why this has been even more challenging...I have no road map for how that works. I had truly hoped my feelings would soften but they have not. I get that. I think it’s the part of us that won’t completely close the door. I remember after my break going to a therapist and she told me I could never contact my ex. EVER. I immediately started sobbing in her office at the thought of going the rest of my life without seeing him. I’ll go a few weeks of no contact, but that is it. I’ve also never seen a person after a break up before. We would either be done or get back together. No inbetween. So I’ve said the exact same thing to my ex before- I wish I had a road map. This is def uncharted territory to me...and my feelings haven’t changed either. My anxiety is def more manageable but my feelings remain. |
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Post by tnr9 on Oct 26, 2018 3:20:53 GMT
I am not friends with any other exes...which is why this has been even more challenging...I have no road map for how that works. I had truly hoped my feelings would soften but they have not. I get that. I think it’s the part of us that won’t completely close the door. I remember after my break going to a therapist and she told me I could never contact me ex. EVER. I immediately started sobbing in her office at the thought of going the rest of my life without seeing him. I’ll go a few weeks of no contact, but that is it. I’ve also never seen a person after a break up before. We would either be done or get back together. No inbetween. So I’ve said the exact same thing to my ex before- I wish I had a road map. This is def uncharted territory to me...and my feelings haven’t changed either. My anxiety is def more manageable but my feelings remain. Yeh..and if it came down to contact with suffering or no contact without suffering....I know which I would choose....so ideally I would like contact without suffering....but have yet to reach that state. I feel incredibly trapped by my own attachment system....I would love to be free of the fleshy/possessive/needy/jealous/insecure bits...I would love to be able to navigate friendship in love without the desire for a second chance...but that just isn't happening....even with medication and a greater access to more rational thinking...I still can't turn those things off around B. But I so appreciate faithopelove that I am not the only one in this space....somehow we will make it through. |
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Post by leavethelighton on Oct 26, 2018 3:52:01 GMT
I get that. I think it’s the part of us that won’t completely close the door. I remember after my break going to a therapist and she told me I could never contact me ex. EVER. I immediately started sobbing in her office at the thought of going the rest of my life without seeing him. I’ll go a few weeks of no contact, but that is it. I’ve also never seen a person after a break up before. We would either be done or get back together. No inbetween. So I’ve said the exact same thing to my ex before- I wish I had a road map. This is def uncharted territory to me...and my feelings haven’t changed either. My anxiety is def more manageable but my feelings remain.
Faithhopelove, why did your therapist say this?
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Post by 8675309 on Oct 26, 2018 11:49:08 GMT
You dont need to close the door forever, you just need to close it for now to help yourself get over the romantic feelings. Dont think its forever.  I am in this space with you but for me my rational/secure side takes over and I have to do whats best for me to be out of this emotional turmoil. To get out, its no contact or seeing them in any way. Im leaving it to the universe. Its not like I dont want to talk to him... I want to talk to him badly and if I reached out he'd chat back and probably want to see me. But there Id be stuck in the trap again. My own emotional health trumps what feelings I have for them or how bad I may want them. Also not everything is about attachments. We are just people. I cannot just turn my feelings off either, this is not just an attachment thing, its a human thing. Im a secure so what does this tell you?  You're attachment what is keeping you trapped in turmoil instead of just letting it go and doing what is best for yourself right now. From your posts, hes is just not good for your mental health. You're trying to heal yourself and you just staying trapped to him is prolonging your healing, the healing you need to do that has nothing to do with him. There is no map because its not a healthy thing to do continuing to contact and hang out with an ex you still have feelings for putting yourself in emotional turmoil. |
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Post by tnr9 on Oct 26, 2018 12:09:54 GMT
You dont need to close the door forever, you just need to close it for now to help yourself get over the romantic feelings. Dont think its forever. I am in this space with you but for me my rational/secure side takes over and I have to do whats best for me to be out of this emotional turmoil. To get out, its no contact or seeing them in any way. Im leaving it to the universe. Its not like I dont want to talk to him... I want to talk to him badly and if I reached out he'd chat back and probably want to see me. But there Id be stuck in the trap again. My own emotional health trumps what feelings I have for them or how bad I may want them. Also not everything is about attachments. We are just people. I cannot just turn my feelings off either, this is not just an attachment thing, its a human thing. Im a secure so what does this tell you? You're attachment what is keeping you trapped in turmoil instead of just letting it go and doing what is best for yourself right now. From your posts, hes is just not good for your mental health. You're trying to heal yourself and you just staying trapped to him is prolonging your healing, the healing you need to do that has nothing to do with him. There is no map because its not a healthy thing to do continuing to contact and hang out with an ex you still have feelings for putting yourself in emotional turmoil. So...I have an incredibly AP question...there is this "thought" that if I had just been able to stick things out in the community he and I used to attend together (I am taking a break from it, he still attends) that I would have remained special to him....and now that I am not there, someone else has become his "rock" so to speak. Put another way..I used to feel as if I was important and special to him, even after we broke up and now I feel I am losing that to another girl (who is able to be a friend)...which is in part, driving a compulsion in me to stay in touch. Do you think my perspective is off base? I cannot seem to shake that on my own. |
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Post by 8675309 on Oct 26, 2018 13:10:02 GMT
You dont need to close the door forever, you just need to close it for now to help yourself get over the romantic feelings. Dont think its forever. I am in this space with you but for me my rational/secure side takes over and I have to do whats best for me to be out of this emotional turmoil. To get out, its no contact or seeing them in any way. Im leaving it to the universe. Its not like I dont want to talk to him... I want to talk to him badly and if I reached out he'd chat back and probably want to see me. But there Id be stuck in the trap again. My own emotional health trumps what feelings I have for them or how bad I may want them. Also not everything is about attachments. We are just people. I cannot just turn my feelings off either, this is not just an attachment thing, its a human thing. Im a secure so what does this tell you? You're attachment what is keeping you trapped in turmoil instead of just letting it go and doing what is best for yourself right now. From your posts, hes is just not good for your mental health. You're trying to heal yourself and you just staying trapped to him is prolonging your healing, the healing you need to do that has nothing to do with him. There is no map because its not a healthy thing to do continuing to contact and hang out with an ex you still have feelings for putting yourself in emotional turmoil. So...I have an incredibly AP question...there is this "thought" that if I had just been able to stick things out in the community he and I used to attend together (I am taking a break from it, he still attends) that I would have remained special to him....and now that I am not there, someone else has become his "rock" so to speak. Put another way..I used to feel as if I was important and special to him, even after we broke up and now I feel I am losing that to another girl (who is able to be a friend)...which is in part, driving a compulsion in me to stay in touch. Do you think my perspective is off base? I cannot seem to shake that on my own. I wouldn't say its just an AP thing, its human, Ive had similar types of thoughts. Your AP side is driving the compulsion to keep staying in contact though instead of cutting it off. Your AP side may be trapping you in these thoughts. Own them and move on from them. Tell yourself everyday you are special, you're awesome, Im going to find an open secure healthy man in time,(because you will when you let go of B, trust this, the universe will send him because your putting in the work on yourself) Ive become aware of myself. Becoming aware and working on things is huge, so much bigger than any man. See that hugeness!
Real reality for you... Focus on the real reality. Trust, this girl wont have him, no gal will until he does the work. His 'rock' is fake because hes not his own rock yet. Shes just a gal in the community he hangs with to fill some void and that void is his own attachment issues. Its not about you or her, its about him. If she goes down that road with him she will be where you and I are right now, he hasnt done the work yet. Even if shes a secure, hes still avoidant just like mine. Her secure-ness wont make him better nor will they have it better that what you had.
No gal will have my guy either until he does the work. Doesn't mean it wont bug me right now if he was dating someone though. Im still in my feels about him, its still 'fresh'. In time it wont bug me.
I feel bad for the next gal because she will probably be AP as thats what they tend to attract. I know Im not like others he dated because Im not AP. Hes used to being chased down and expected me to do the same and I didnt, I told him its not healthy more than once. His mom was also AP so thats what he saw, chasing.
You will have a place with him forever, you taught him lessons. I will have a place with mine too because Im not like the others.
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Post by faithopelove on Oct 26, 2018 21:29:22 GMT
I get that. I think it’s the part of us that won’t completely close the door. I remember after my break going to a therapist and she told me I could never contact me ex. EVER. I immediately started sobbing in her office at the thought of going the rest of my life without seeing him. I’ll go a few weeks of no contact, but that is it. I’ve also never seen a person after a break up before. We would either be done or get back together. No inbetween. So I’ve said the exact same thing to my ex before- I wish I had a road map. This is def uncharted territory to me...and my feelings haven’t changed either. My anxiety is def more manageable but my feelings remain.
Faithhopelove, why did your therapist say this?
My therapist said no more contact - meaning I could never initiate contact with my ex again since he was the one who broke up with me. She said if he wanted to get back with me then he would contact me. She seemed very judgmental of him bc she knew of his avoidant ways by my description of our interactions and she very much thought I would live an empty, unfulfilling and lonely life with him. She was only focused on my self-love and self-esteem and my willingness to accept less than what I needed which she linked to my childhood, which I don’t doubt....but I never accepted her stance against him and told her my heart was still open for my ex...and maybe obtainable goals like 1-4 weeks of not reaching out and then possibly longer would be something to work towards but I rejected her saying I could never and should never reach out again. |
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Post by tnr9 on Oct 27, 2018 12:32:48 GMT
So...I have an incredibly AP question...there is this "thought" that if I had just been able to stick things out in the community he and I used to attend together (I am taking a break from it, he still attends) that I would have remained special to him....and now that I am not there, someone else has become his "rock" so to speak. Put another way..I used to feel as if I was important and special to him, even after we broke up and now I feel I am losing that to another girl (who is able to be a friend)...which is in part, driving a compulsion in me to stay in touch. Do you think my perspective is off base? I cannot seem to shake that on my own. I wouldn't say its just an AP thing, its human, Ive had similar types of thoughts. Your AP side is driving the compulsion to keep staying in contact though instead of cutting it off. Your AP side may be trapping you in these thoughts. Own them and move on from them. Tell yourself everyday you are special, you're awesome, Im going to find an open secure healthy man in time,(because you will when you let go of B, trust this, the universe will send him because your putting in the work on yourself) Ive become aware of myself. Becoming aware and working on things is huge, so much bigger than any man. See that hugeness!
Real reality for you... Focus on the real reality. Trust, this girl wont have him, no gal will until he does the work. His 'rock' is fake because hes not his own rock yet. Shes just a gal in the community he hangs with to fill some void and that void is his own attachment issues. Its not about you or her, its about him. If she goes down that road with him she will be where you and I are right now, he hasnt done the work yet. Even if shes a secure, hes still avoidant just like mine. Her secure-ness wont make him better nor will they have it better that what you had.
No gal will have my guy either until he does the work. Doesn't mean it wont bug me right now if he was dating someone though. Im still in my feels about him, its still 'fresh'. In time it wont bug me.
I feel bad for the next gal because she will probably be AP as thats what they tend to attract. I know Im not like others he dated because Im not AP. Hes used to being chased down and expected me to do the same and I didnt, I told him its not healthy more than once. His mom was also AP so thats what he saw, chasing.
You will have a place with him forever, you taught him lessons. I will have a place with mine too because Im not like the others.
I wanted to sit on this a couple of days and really think about it. My first reaction was...but at least she gets to have "connection" with him. I know this dwelling, this coming up with scenarios....this is simply to 1. Deal with having reduced contact with him and 2. Trying to put some level of control into things...prepare for the worst so to speak. I don't think B is doomed to fail in his relationships. I think he has made a lot of amazing changes...stopped smoking, cut down on alcohol, reduced his presence on FB...but I get what you are saying about doing the internal work....and for some reason, I am feeling incredibly protective of him..so my internal response is...but she is different and that is the key...she will succeed because she won't have any of the AP neediness, she will tell him where she needs him to change and he will respond (I kept a lot of my needs bottled up), she will be chill and happy and stable...you get my drift. I thought I was more logical today...but it seems lack of sleep is driving a bit of a backslide.😕 I also think I regret being super honest with him the last time he came over....I had a plan to keep it very surface and not bring up my true feelings...but they poured out of me anyways. 😕 This just isn't the best moment to respond I guess. **I am revisiting this....I am leaving what I wrote because the above is the struggle....if I am honest, will you reject me...I was considering the number of truths that B has shared that were not to my liking...but did not change how I viewed him....so why can't I even consider the same back from him? It is very curious how the more I try to grow..the ore resistance I bump up against.** |
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Post by faithopelove on Oct 27, 2018 13:27:32 GMT
I wouldn't say its just an AP thing, its human, Ive had similar types of thoughts. Your AP side is driving the compulsion to keep staying in contact though instead of cutting it off. Your AP side may be trapping you in these thoughts. Own them and move on from them. Tell yourself everyday you are special, you're awesome, Im going to find an open secure healthy man in time,(because you will when you let go of B, trust this, the universe will send him because your putting in the work on yourself) Ive become aware of myself. Becoming aware and working on things is huge, so much bigger than any man. See that hugeness!
Real reality for you... Focus on the real reality. Trust, this girl wont have him, no gal will until he does the work. His 'rock' is fake because hes not his own rock yet. Shes just a gal in the community he hangs with to fill some void and that void is his own attachment issues. Its not about you or her, its about him. If she goes down that road with him she will be where you and I are right now, he hasnt done the work yet. Even if shes a secure, hes still avoidant just like mine. Her secure-ness wont make him better nor will they have it better that what you had.
No gal will have my guy either until he does the work. Doesn't mean it wont bug me right now if he was dating someone though. Im still in my feels about him, its still 'fresh'. In time it wont bug me.
I feel bad for the next gal because she will probably be AP as thats what they tend to attract. I know Im not like others he dated because Im not AP. Hes used to being chased down and expected me to do the same and I didnt, I told him its not healthy more than once. His mom was also AP so thats what he saw, chasing.
You will have a place with him forever, you taught him lessons. I will have a place with mine too because Im not like the others.
I wanted to sit on this a couple of days and really think about it. My first reaction was...but at least she gets to have "connection" with him. I know this dwelling, this coming up with scenarios....this is simply to 1. Deal with having reduced contact with him and 2. Trying to put some level of control into things...prepare for the worst so to speak. I don't think B is doomed to fail in his relationships. I think he has made a lot of amazing changes...stopped smoking, cut down on alcohol, reduced his presence on FB...but I get what you are saying about doing the internal work....and for some reason, I am feeling incredibly protective of him..so my internal response is...but she is different and that is the key...she will succeed because she won't have any of the AP neediness, she will tell him where she needs him to change and he will respond (I kept a lot of my needs bottled up), she will be chill and happy and stable...you get my drift. I thought I was more logical today...but it seems lack of sleep is driving a bit of a backslide.😕 I also think I regret being super honest with him the last time he came over....I had a plan to keep it very surface and not bring up my true feelings...but they poured out of me anyways. 😕 This just isn't the best moment to respond I guess. Hey, tnr9....regarding the end of your post, that is the AP rumination of regret and what could’ve been done differently and “if only I had done this” narrative, then “this could of occurred” type of obsessive and unproductive thinking. I understand this behavior as I do it myself too and it can mess me up mentally for days. 😞 I’m trying to recognize that it’s not helpful to obsess over what I could’ve done differently but rather recognize what I WILL do differently next time I have the chance. And there will always be a next time...it’s a journey. You’ve got this! 🙂 Also I try to remind myself that I often blow up this ruminated scenario in my own head and make it much larger than it is to S...who is my ex DA. If I stay away and distance myself bc I feel ashamed or feel like I majorly screwed up our interaction- and then finally reach out, he’s usually unaffected and asks me where I’ve been....in essence, I was making the scenario much worse and more negative than needed while he was living his life. Sometimes the avoidant pulls away and needs space for reasons that have nothing to do with us and our actions but we often attribute every one of their perceived or actual distancing behaviors as a consequence or punishment of our shortcomings...the narrative that we do nothing right and are undeserving of love seems to resonate here. In reality, it’s not always about us AP’s need to remember that. I recall one recent incident with my ex, I assumed we had a fairly negative interaction bc I felt I overshared emotionally in person and then again later in a text and I was beating myself up over it...keeping score as an AP tends to do. I assumed his delayed text and an ignored text was his disappointment or anger toward me- I always assume I must have done something wrong, that I somehow pushed him away bc I’m such a pain. It’s actually a very self-centered way of thinking...I make it all about me. In this case, I backed off for a few days with my texting, ruminating every day and feeling badly about how I shouldn’t have protested his opinion or later sent another protesting text...when I finally reached out, expecting to met with indifference or worse yet, rejection...he was upbeat and unaffected by our last two exchanges. I thought he would be irritated and he instead told me he had ordered a toy for me that past weekend...totally unexpected response from him, to say the least. Lol He had never done that before. I share this with you to remind myself and you how we can often misread and exaggerate our partner’s behaviors. They do not think or react like us. I was beating myself up for days and he was searching Amazon for a toy. My gross misinterpretation of his behavior and motivation for his behavior led me to me feeling hurt, rejected, overreacting, overthinking and assuming the worst, most negative scenario in every situation..which can THEN lead to a self-fulling prophecy of my partner actually pulling away due to my reactions. My AP default is to assume he doesn’t care, doesn’t want me and doesn’t want to be bothered- when in fact there are many other things in his life that could be causing him to respond the way he does- least of all his own attachment wounds. So be kind to yourself and try to let go of the negative narrative. Most likely nothing you said or did at a meet up will cause irreparable damage. Secondly, this new friend of B’s may be secure and have different behaviors from an AP like you and me, but that doesn’t mean B will be any more responsive to changing his behaviors. This change and growth, as you know, can only manifest if he makes a choice to change. And...if this girl is secure, she’s FAR less likely to bother to hold onto a relationship with an insecure that will not fully meet her needs or expectations. A secure will cut ties and walk away to find an easier and more productive path. Finally, don’t be so hard on yourself! Be encouraged that you and B share a connection and history that no new friend will have and recognize all your growth and hard work you’ve accomplished in becoming aware and managing your AP ways. Your work and effort will pay off- for you, your future relationships and with your current relationship with B. I think we can heal from attachment trauma while being in contact with our exes....IF we’re mindful. Remember your limitations and create protective boundaries, celebrate your successes and, hard as it is, do NOT beat yourself up for little setbacks. At least not for long. Set a timer and move on! Practice being gracious to yourself and it will overflow to others. I found this to be key- loving and being more gracious to myself allows me to do the same for others around me. Recognize these setbacks are opportunity for growth. Failure is the best teacher. Both personally and as a teacher by profession, I see that in practice. Mess up and learn from it...and I have a feeling B isn’t going anywhere any time soon. Neither is S. The sun will set and will rise tomorrow and with it you will have more opportunities to be strong and show your strength. Be proud of you. Be patient with you. Love yourself and know you’re lovable 💗 |
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Post by alexandra on Oct 27, 2018 14:45:47 GMT
I don't think B is doomed to fail in his relationships. I think he has made a lot of amazing changes...stopped smoking, cut down on alcohol, reduced his presence on FB...but I get what you are saying about doing the internal work....and for some reason, I am feeling incredibly protective of him..so my internal response is...but she is different and that is the key...she will succeed because she won't have any of the AP neediness, she will tell him where she needs him to change and he will respond (I kept a lot of my needs bottled up), she will be chill and happy and stable...you get my drift. I thought I was more logical today...but it seems lack of sleep is driving a bit of a backslide.😕 I also think I regret being super honest with him the last time he came over....I had a plan to keep it very surface and not bring up my true feelings...but they poured out of me anyways. 😕 Two things. First, I want to remind you of something I know we've discussed before. Superficial changes mean nothing in regards to healing attachment style and relationship issues. So you don't know if it changes anything that B drinks less etc. My FA ex recently lost 30 of the pounds he put on after our first breakup and is taking better care of himself in many ways. Yet, he hasn't actually changed and is still too scared to work on his insecure attachment issues so repeats his sabotaging relationship behaviors. I was almost secure the second time we tried to date and my behaviors changed significantly. His repeated. The changes come from the person, not from the inspiration and "correct cool girl" behavior from the partner. My ex said I did everything right the second time and he can't overcome his personal issues at this time. So, don't ruminate in a space of comparing yourself to her, because that is falling into a classic AP trap. You're weighing your own value against someone else and deriving your self worth from it, and if you perceive her as "better" then you are "worse." Which probably comes from the dynamics little tnr9 experienced from her adult caretakers. Second, sharing your authentic feelings and standing up for yourself by communicating is very important to practice and will get you a step closer to healing, so consider feeling pride not regret! I know you didn't get the desired result, but you shared it and survived. Keep that up. Big hug |
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Post by 8675309 on Oct 27, 2018 15:37:54 GMT
I don't think B is doomed to fail in his relationships. I think he has made a lot of amazing changes...stopped smoking, cut down on alcohol, reduced his presence on FB...but I get what you are saying about doing the internal work....and for some reason, I am feeling incredibly protective of him..so my internal response is...but she is different and that is the key...she will succeed because she won't have any of the AP neediness, she will tell him where she needs him to change and he will respond (I kept a lot of my needs bottled up), she will be chill and happy and stable...you get my drift. I thought I was more logical today...but it seems lack of sleep is driving a bit of a backslide.😕 I also think I regret being super honest with him the last time he came over....I had a plan to keep it very surface and not bring up my true feelings...but they poured out of me anyways. 😕 Two things. First, I want to remind you of something I know we've discussed before. Superficial changes mean nothing in regards to healing attachment style and relationship issues. So you don't know if it changes anything that B drinks less etc. My FA ex recently lost 30 of the pounds he put on after our first breakup and is taking better care of himself in many ways. Yet, he hasn't actually changed and is still too scared to work on his insecure attachment issues so repeats his sabotaging relationship behaviors. I was almost secure the second time we tried to date and my behaviors changed significantly. His repeated. The changes come from the person, not from the inspiration and "correct cool girl" behavior from the partner. My ex said I did everything right the second time and he can't overcome his personal issues at this time. So, don't ruminate in a space of comparing yourself to her, because that is falling into a classic AP trap. You're weighing your own value against someone else and deriving your self worth from it, and if you perceive her as "better" then you are "worse." Which probably comes from the dynamics little tnr9 experienced from her adult caretakers. Second, sharing your authentic feelings and standing up for yourself by communicating is very important to practice and will get you a step closer to healing, so consider feeling pride not regret! I know you didn't get the desired result, but you shared it and survived. Keep that up. Big hug Agreed on some of your post. She doesnt even know if this gal is secure, its an assumption. She could be more AP than the OP, its just not triggered as they are friends at this time. The drinking, etc really doesn't matter either if he is not doing internal work. Im a secure and my DA was still triggered. Secure doesn't mean its going to work. Im also that cool gal that has lots in common with him and the same hobby...and guess what, still triggered! haha. When he pulled back I pulled back instantly, I did this even before knew about attachment, I always took the approach hes not talking, hes 'just not into me' so I never chased. Its what us secures do. They want me they will come for me.
What is ironic with mine...he expects chasing yet it totally triggers him! LOL He thinks chasing is normal and if you dont chase you gave up. I told him more than once I wont chase any man that acts like they are not interested/just not interested, its not healthy. We should be mutually 'chasing' each other. I dont think he'd go chasing down a gal that doesn't what him either so its odd.
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Post by 8675309 on Oct 28, 2018 12:59:42 GMT
Faithhopelove, why did your therapist say this?
My therapist said no more contact - meaning I could never initiate contact with my ex again since he was the one who broke up with me. She said if he wanted to get back with me then he would contact me. She seemed very judgmental of him bc she knew of her avoidant ways by my description of our interactions and she very much thought I would live an empty, unfulfilling and lonely life with him. She was only focused on my self-love and self-esteem and my willingness to accept less than what I needed which she linked to my childhood, which I don’t doubt....but I never accepted her stance against him and told her my heart was still open for my ex...and maybe obtainable goals like 1-4 weeks of not reaching out and then possibly longer would be something to work towards but I rejected her saying I could never and should never reach out again. Going no contact is not closing your heart off but you do have to close it, it just not necessarily locked up forever. You can only unlock it if he comes back putting in the real work to make it work. We all know its not impossible if two people put in the work together just dont live in that possibility, live in the right now reality. Its not working, you need healing that has nothing to do with them and they need to do their own work.
No contact doesn't mean ignore them when they contact but its you not reaching out ever again. If its a casual how are you text weeks from now reply but dont keep engaging unless they are. Just respond in a friendly manor and go on with your day. They need to keep the contact going, they need to do the work, they need to prove them self. You're doing the work so they need to as well.
By going no contact you can do the healing, if you stick to it for months they could come back and you dont even want them anymore. It can finally hit you, and you're like what am I doing!?! Screw this I want new and healthy Im done with this... No contact is for healing, realizations, moving on, etc. You could even meet someone better in this time that is emotionally healthy that will just help you heal more because you're already doing the work.
Shes trying to get you to secure. Secure people cut it off when broken up with to heal and if they want us back they will come. We dont keep contacting like that. We don't continue to take less than either, its why I cut mine off. I will not reach out to him again. He will be back but Ive also accepted the real possibility we will never speak again. Im ok with it, it is what it is. Sure it hurts, hurts a lot but its a healthy thing to do. Secures know in time it will hurt less and feelings will start to fall off even though a person will have a soft spot in their heart. Mine has a spot.
We know someone new will come in time.
Mine would have to do the work for us to work, and if hes not willing then Im not going to stay in something one sided and unfulfilling no matter how much I want them. My heart is closed right now for him, I will only open it if he wants to do the work on himself. Im closed all together right now, Im still in his energy, I need to give it a couple months before Id open the dating door, I need to get out of the energy and that takes a bit of time. Im in hermit mode doing me. Dating would trigger my DA side right now.
The unfulfilling life is a real possibility with your person if the work is not done on themselves. Self love its the healthy thing to do, shes right. Im self loving so thats why its cut off. Im doing whats good for me, Im out of the trap.
All of us also have more strength than we think. You can do this no contact thing. |
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elisa
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Posts: 7
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Post by elisa on Oct 28, 2018 15:52:33 GMT
I saw B yesterday...he stopped by before an interview and stayed for a couple of hours. We hugged, we caught up, I revealed that I had not really processed letting him go and that I needed a break from the community because I was noticing how I would get jealous about his interactions with other girls...I owned my stuff. I did slide into cape mode and I acknowledged it. Overall, it was a really good interaction.....but today I am SAD....it actually started last night when I noticed myself slipping into old patterns of rumination...putting together random bits of information to create a story of how B had made someone else special and now I was not anymore...and I couldn't talk my way out of it or even be ok with it....I was going back into possessiveness and I hate when that happens. Somehow I get completely stirred up around B....as much as I want to change..change does not appear to be happening as fast as I would like it to. Are there any suggestions on how I can find my way to love B as a friend? This is so incredibly tiring given that I know intellectually he and I are over romantically. Hi tnr9, I hope you're okay today and I feel your pain. As an AP ruminating again and again, I totally understand the process you're going through. I just wanted to let you know that altough the pain of the story we create feels real and seems to be the truth, it doesn't mean it is. After breaking up with my DA, I went on and on thinking about where it went wrong and tried to fill the missing gaps I identified and kept a close watch on his ex's facebook... Even tough I met her several times and my DA repeatedly said that it was definetly over between them since they divorced. Two weeks after we broke up, my DA's ex changed her Facebook status into 'has a relationship'. I knew she was dating someone but that didn't stop me from thinking that my DA was back with her. I was so convinced that they were giving it another try that I cried for hours and hours... (I am embarrassed to admit that). A weak later his ex posted a picture of herself and her new boyfriend which wasn't my DA... and I felt so stupid for being sad about the story I created in my mind based on little information, I felt stupid for crying about it while I curled myself into a little ball on my bed and I felt stupid that I just can't let go... My best advice for you is to have no contact until you feel fine without him. My coach gave me the same advice which I find very very hard but this is the way he explained it to me: When you're addicted to drugs, alcohol or whatever substance, there's no such thing as getting sober by allowing yourself little sips of wine or having one cigarette... You need to cut off your supply all together. My DA is my addiction... Everytime I see him or speak to him, it sets me back in my healing and causes me pain. Please protect your heart. Sending you love... |
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Post by tnr9 on Oct 28, 2018 15:56:26 GMT
I didn't sleep well...was up really, really late...Halloween party...great time...just tired.....so feelings come to the surface. I am not secure, not with B....disconnection feels unacceptable...it feels like letting him down...it feels like giving up when I told him I would always be there for him.....I have been fighting the desire to reach out...to explain myself and some of the things I said that he may not have received in the manner I meant it...to clarify and wash over the AP ickiness and ensure we are ok. It has been such a challenging week....and I have handled it much better then I have in the past.....which I am incredibly proud of. I can speak to the feelings and let them wash over me and feel them without judgement no matter how child like them seem. I am admittedly surprised how little my feelings about B have changed since being on the medication...but the one thing I am incredibly grateful for is now,..I can access reason...I can be curious as I feel just horrible. So I am trying to really understand who B represents...because I think he is mom and dad if that makes any sense. The reason that is important is that that wound is fresh even though it was decades ago so I know I want to address it....but when I try to explore the who...it feels like it is strictly about B. In any event....I think I have gone on a bit of a tangent......I am missing B...but thank goodness, writing this out has helped me get a bit unstuck...I have loosened the grip on my fixation so to speak...and that is a good thing for me today. So I can survive another day of no contact...but this is a day by day and often hour by hour struggle. Sending you hugs faithopelove . Hoping you are having a better day. |
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Post by tnr9 on Oct 28, 2018 16:03:50 GMT
Thanks elisa....I am sorry you too are familiar with the struggle and the drug comparison is a good one....it definately does feel like an addition to a connection and to contact. |
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You're attachment what is keeping you trapped in turmoil instead of just letting it go and doing what is best for yourself right now. From your posts, hes is just not good for your mental health. You're trying to heal yourself and you just staying trapped to him is prolonging your healing, the healing you need to do that has nothing to do with him.