The process of letting go is hard

Personally for me I cannot be friends until Im over my feelings and Im a secure. I have to cut all contact to help me move on from my feelings for them. I will never get over it/prolongs pain if they are still in my life. We can move to being friends when Im over it. If he really wants to be friends he will understand you need the space to move on from him romantically.

hi tnr9

well done on recognizing your patterns and narratives, for communicating honestly with yourself and with B, and for being kind with yourself as you're feeling sad and frustrated. <3

Pausing and reflecting on that so that you can break up the fixated/ruminating thoughts is essential. DA/FA/AP, we all have tendencies to blast off into old ways of thinking, so congrats on slowing that down some.

I do understand those feelings of sadness. keep being compassionate toward yourself and perhaps explore that feeling a little further. You've asked "Are there any suggestions on how I can find my way to love B as a friend?". Some wise owl on the boards suggested to me not long ago to try and let go of any attachments you may have around a certain outcome. A different question you could ask is 'what is the deepest root of that sadness and is there some way you can attend to it that does not involve B in any way?'  If there is a deep unmet need or belief underlying your attachment to B, there may be ways to attune and tend to that without placing him at the centre.

I'm not AP, so not sure if my comments will be of any help (or even if they make sense). I think 8675309 offers some really good practical advice above.

-Camper78

tnr9, you've made a lot of progress. Even if you feel like seeing him has set you back for the moment, you're able to understand what's going on now and will recover from seeing him much more quickly. 1 step back, 2 steps forward is very typical for where you are in the healing process so continue to be patient with yourself.

You'll still feel these pulls towards him no matter how long it's been if you're still AP and haven't found a new romantic attachment figure. Just how the pattern tends to play out. You can't rush it, unfortunately, only do what's best for yourself and keep building your own self esteem and healing. As you move towards secure, it will get easier to stay present in regards to the actual issue at hand and not feel like you're drowning under feelings magnified by attachment injury that's unrelated to him. If interacting with him triggers you, that's okay. Just means you're not healed yet and that it's not time to reenage with him in a meaningful way yet, as friends or anything, because you're not done healing your insecure attachment.

Stay focused on it being about you, not him, and be proud of the progress you've made and your ability to identify, question, and maybe stop/change your patterns and behaviors.

There are a lot of stages of a break up...denial, hope, fear, anger, sadness, etc.  You will go through all of them and bounce between them once or many times.  The one that has been the most powerful and helpful for me is anger.  Once I really felt the anger and let myself be angry about it, it became easier to let go and move forward. Then I let go of the anger too.  Everyone is different.  You will find YOUR way of letting go.  I do think though that a period of space is a must before you can even think of a friendship.  Take the period of space to really think about what is best for you and only you.  Close your mind for a period of time to what anyone else wants.  Sometimes, what others want of us can cause confusion and limbo.  

You're gonna make it, tnr9 Make this weekend all about you and try to relax. If you feel sad post on PM whenever you like!

Maybe the wanting to feel OK and the frustration at not being able to progress quick enough is the problem? Feeling you should feel differently?

It's paradoxical but by wanting rid of the feelings they will hide below the surface ready to reappear when triggered - sit with them instead, allow what you feel to be real and watch it in your body with compassion and kindness - without attaching to the story, but without wishing it gone and going all out to feel better. That's where true healing happens.

It'ts normal - you're doing great!

Don't get tricked by the AP negative talk. There's room for his feelings (moving on) and yours (moving on at a different speed). Having feelings that are not perfectly mirroring each other doesn't make you less than, as it's not a competition or any point of comparison.

I used to do that a lot. I'm so pathetic because it's been X amount of time and he just is so over it and I'm not.

Does this reflect how a caretaker made little tnr9 feel at some point? No room for your feelings, the adult will instead tell you how to feel. Maybe the adult will insist you are inferior for having different feelings than they want you to.

Maybe that attachment figure appeared to take better care of others, too. Didn't protect your feelings or little tnr9, but appeared to try harder for someone else.

Maybe it's not that, but I don't believe the negative feelings and narrative you're going through right now are directly about B. AP patterns developed for protection. Is there anything deeper you can uncover if you keep the focus on yourself and how you're feeling? Does anything about the patterned thoughts seem really familiar but maybe unrelated?