Angerpattern, boundaries, needs, shamebuttons, healthy anger

Play with your yes. Close your eyes. Say the word yes. Let it fester in your body. Say yes, yes,. yes. Tune into your body. How does it feel to say yes in your body ?

Now close your eyes and say the word NO. Tune into your body and say NO, NO, NO. You can open your eyes and move around while saying NO. Is there anything your body wants to do ?

What stops you from saying no:

Fear of speaking the truth
Fear of social rejection
FOMO
Politeness
Shame and guilt
Being alone
Fear of conflict
Upset others
Sence of obligation
My no won't be respected
Proving worth
Fear of being attacked
Looking to please others
Fear of speaking my truth
Judged
Hero syndrome

What is your primary unhealthy anger pattern?

What are you most often? 

- Aggressive
- Passive
- Passive-aggressive
- Projective-aggressive

It is not abnormal to have different anger patterns in different relationships / situations.
Write down 5 -10 of your relationships and note what anger pattern you are typically in if you have
a conflict with the following:

Mother
Father
Child
Partner
Colleague
Boss
Friend

Find examples that you use or have used all the anger patterns in
different situations / relationships

I react / have reacted aggressively… in relation to / when..
I react / have reacted passively… in relation to / when…
I react / have reacted passively-aggressively… in relation to / when…
I react / have reacted projectively-aggressively… in relation to / when…



Who carried the anger in your family?

How was the anger expressed?

What was your anger pattern and how was it handled?

What did you learn (consciously or unconsciously) about anger from home? (messages, attitudes, beliefs)

Which of your parents do you most resemble (today) when it comes to expressing anger?

Special memories related to anger in your childhood:

Except in the family, where have you experienced anger expressed in destructive, explosive or dysfunctional ways towards you (eg teachers, bosses, boyfriends)?

Given my background / history, it is understandable that I….


Other insights:

It is becoming more and more clear to me that…

Journal:

Anger diary (passive)

Date:
Today I was annoyed / frustrated / sad / disappointed / hurt when…

My thoughts on the situation:

My feelings in the situation:

Triggers (special words, insinuations ect):
What happened?
What was said?
What did I make it mean?
Do I know that interpretation / feeling from earlier in my life?

It reminds me of:

Insights:
I wish I had said / done / had the courage to:

I want to acknowledge (or forgive) myself for:

Advice to myself:

Healthy anger = assertive / mindful / conscious

Characteristics:
Healthy anger does not embarrass, and does not escalate into aggression and attacks.

Healthy anger does not blame, but neither does it ignore, it holds the other
responsible.

Healthy anger may be extreme - but in a responsible way, understood in the sense that there is still a degree of care in anger. We're not trying to destroy or put down the other person. We are open, and not just interested to be right.

Healthy anger is constructive. We are interested in resolving the conflict, not getting stuck in it.

• In healthy anger, we use anger as a signal, not as a weapon.

• Healthy anger always makes room for reflection. Especially self-reflection.

• In the unhealthy anger, we shield ourselves from our vulnerability, and turn up the aggression to hide signs of voulnability or weakness. In healthy anger we dare to show vulnerability.

• In healthy anger, the goal is not to put the other person down, but to cherish our own integrity.

• We are aware of our possible projections, but we are not paralyzed by fear of projecting.

• We understand that we can both be angry at a person and at the same time keep our heart
warm.

• In healthy anger we can show contempt for what has been done, but not against the one who has done it.

• We control our sarcasm and contempt, and maintain respect for the person we are talking to.

• We stick to our own half of the fence. Speaking about ourselves using (I…), and avoiding define the other (you are…)

How to listen with an open heart:

When we are angry, we want to feel heard. We want the other person (s) to understand, why we are
angry. When we feel heard / met, anger usually subsides. But if we do not feel that the other person listen, we often remain angry or become even angrier.
Therefore, the most important thing you can do when others are angry, is to listen to them. Listen to why they are
angry. Listen. Do not discuss, argue, interrupt, become defensive, defend yourself, explain. Just listen.

How to become a better listener:
• Active listening. Stop all other activities and focus all yhour energy on the other person. Make sure
to have eye contact to show, that you hear and understand, what is being said.
• Assume that the other has good intentions. We often assess the other person as our the enemy. Listen based on the knowledge that the other is not a bad person and that he/she has a reason for his/her anger.
• Listen neutrally. That is, to listen with sincere curiosity, as if you are telepathizing “I.
respect you. Your thoughts and feelings are important - even if I do not share them".
• Put yourself in the other person's position. When people are angry, this is what they want; that we are capable
to see things from their perspective.
• Listen with an open heart. Even if you do not agree, you can keep your heart warm and open and believe, that you can learn something about yourself or that you can become wiser.

More about different types of passive anger patterns: The chill girl and spritual bypassing, blind compassion, premature forgiveness ect.

WHAT DOES HAVING A PASSIVE ANGERPATTERN MEANS:

The passive swells the anger, lowers and suppresses. The anger is turned inward, and it can be hard at all to feel any anger and set limits and to say no. It is a evasive pattern, where one implodes  instead of exploding.

• Rarely or never visibly angry
• Turns anger inward
• It is difficult to feel if you are angry
• Recognizes easier disappointment, powerlessness, resignation, sorenes,, dissapointment, frustration, sadness
• Wait too long to express anger
• Cries instead of getting angry
• Keeps silent
• Avoids conflict and confrontation at all costs
• Doubts often on his right to be angry (It's probably just me ...)
• Blames herself, rather than getting angry with others

The chill, the cool girl:

The Chill Girl/the chill guy belongs to the passive anger pattern, but she cheats, because she does not immediately seem like she has got a problem with anger. She just seems like a woman who is in balance with herself and is "cool with everything". Open. Flexible. Always with a laid-back attitude. No problem is her motto.

thoughtcatalog.com/dalyce-lazaris/2017/02/what-it-actually-means-to-be-the-chill-girl/

The Chill Girl is often a catch among men. Other women come to look like angry control freaks compared to the chill girl / guy.

The Chill Girl agrees to everything. She is not boring and not demanding at all.

However, The Chill Girl is in fact conflict avoidant and may have a really hard time saying "I'm actually not okay with this"

She / he says:
"Yes, we can do that"
"Of course"
"Cool"
"No problem"

On the surface, she seems to be completely indifferent to the opinion of others, but basically she is a pleaser.

She is afraid of being - or being seen as:
boring
demanding
needy
troublesome
controlling
a bitch
ordinary
not interesting enough

Shes afraid of becoming a horrible woman www.youtube.com/watch?v=ObH51wwXUiM&list=PLnQlfFpHqQJ1O4n7k7wj5D6uybe6LqjEI&index=17

The Chill Girl has to learn to find a healthy balance between being open and flexible and true to herself. And communicate honestly and genuinely without pleasing - and without shame or fear of not being choosen. You do not become a bitch, because you express your own needs. This can easily be done with kindness. And without becoming a cold bitch.

The Chill girl can also be a Chill Guy

www.youtube.com/watch?v=PaoQNDIf6pY - Cool girl monologue 

www.youtube.com/watch?v=brddpr4DsAU - Happy go lucky- Flamengo

Do no harm, take no shit - www.youtube.com/watch?v=C6chvht8l4s

power pose - www.youtube.com/watch?v=TdU2l0i2Wh0

Spiritual bypassing:

Spritual bypassing is part of the passive anger pattern. This means that one uses spirituality, as an evasive maneuver to avoid feeling unpleasant emotions such as anger. Its like putting ice cream on the poop (Debbie Ford).

Characteristics and danger signals you need to be aware of:

- Excessive focus on being positive
- Excessive eagerness to "find the gift" in everything
- Angerphobia
- Blind compassion 
- Premature forgiveness - www.youtube.com/watch?v=AZNHnIUWZJs
- Reluctance to complain

medium.com/@expandingessence137/blind-compassion-robert-augustus-masters-f386da84d9cd

Do you know any of these characters?

Do you always believe in the best in people?
Do you always strive to be understanding and inclusive?
Do you think anger is a negative emotion?
Do you always try to think positively?
Are you good at forgiving?
At first glance, all this sounds very sympathetic.

To be confident, positive, inclusive, understanding.
But one can also become too confident, too positive, too inclusive and too understanding.
And if you have a tendency to do so, you should be familiar with the concept called spiritual bypassing.

What is spiritual bypassing?
The term 'spiritual bypassing' was developed in the 1980s by the American psychologist and author John Welwood - and means using spirituality (or spiritual virtues such as inclusiveness and forgiveness) as evasive maneuvers ... to avoid dealing with "negative" emotions.

Instead of looking at and relating to what hurts, is difficult or is not ok, one uses spiritual beliefs such as "everything is good" and "there is a meaning to everything" or spiritual practices such as meditation, affirmations, yoga etc. to distance oneself from or transcend reality.

This does not mean that meditation, affirmations or yoga are bad.
Far from.
It just means that if we use meditation, affirmations, yoga and positive mantras to avoid relating to what is difficult or hurting, then it is inappropriate.

Spiritual bypassing is putting on (pink) spiritual blinders, putting a thick layer of Vaseline on the glasses while we say inside our own head: "lalalalalala" - to avoid facing reality.
That is the ugly reality

Spiritual bypassing is a defense mechanism and an almost infantile longing to transcend everything unpleasant in life.
But ....
Spiritual bypassing distances us not only from our pain and dissatisfaction, but also from our authenticity.
The excessive spaciousness, infinite understanding and total acceptance can become too much and make us both frustrated and unhappy.

It can also seem artificial and impersonal. As if you are not a real human being, but rather a wandering positive human being who says: ("Smiiie and the world smiles back at you!")

⭐️ Do you know the tendency to use spirituality as an evasive maneuver?
⭐️ Are you perhaps too positive?

It is understandable and human, but often we will get much more out of addressing the pain we are trying to deny, underplay, or distance ourselves from.

Psychologist Robert Augustus Masters has written a book about spiritual bypassing. A must-read for anyone who deals with spirituality.

When you use spiritual bypassing you have 

Excessive focus on being positive
Excessive eagerness to "find the gift" in everything
Blind compassion
Premature forgiveness

Anger has a bad reputation in some spiritual circles.
And that's a shame.

It is hard to get to know our anger better if we have already decided that anger is ugly, wrong, and unspiritual. Or that it is something we must rise above, transcend or "should" not feel.

Anger is a natural, healthy feeling. We all have it, and we should be happy about that - because anger is a signal that tells us that something needs our attention.
Feeling angry is never an issue in itself. Itś what we do with anger, which can be a problem. This is a problem, for example, when our anger turns into aggression. But it is also a problem when we suppress and deny our healthy and justified anger - or see anger as a sign that we have not succeeded spiritually. Because then we will probably feel ashamed when we get angry.

Anger is not a sign that you are not (self) developed enough. It is a sign that you are a human being. And that there is probably something you need to look at or address.

• Try to look at which "negative" shadows you avoid dealing with, when using
spiritual bypassing. What do you avoid seeing yourself as?
(eg angry, critical, cold, harsh, negative, judgmental ...

The question is do you feel FREE to address what makes you angry, upset or disappointed?
Or whether you put Vaseline on the lens and smile understandingly, even if you are furious or hurt or frustrated

Choose authenticity!